Jay: Why are you so scattered lately?
Gloria: Aw, he's just nervous because of his poetry reading tonight. But don't worry, papi. I am going to be there to support you.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I don't want my mom there. I'm exploring some darker themes I'm not sure she's ready for, poems like "The Umbilical Noose," "A Jail Called Mom," "Smother Nature." She'll just find some way to make it all about her.

Luke: Dad's in the middle of a super sad dude hug.
Alex: We really disappointed him.
Haley: Yeah, maybe we should just suck it up and go to Jellystone this summer.

Claire: [aside to camera] Ten days on the road with those kids? Winnebag-no. I hate it when Phil does this.
Now I have to be the bad guy who comes in and squelches his brilliant idea. I said no.
[cut to:]
Claire: I said no. Get it out of my house.
Phil: Fine. [to alpaca] Come on, Jolene.
[back:]
Claire: Fortunately, this time, I don't have to be the wet blanket, because even on just a short spin up the coast, Phil will see what I see every day. The transformation that happens when our kids are locked in a moving metal box. The kraken that is unleashed. I love my kids very, very much.

Manny: But my backpack is in there, Jay, my poem for my poetry reading.
Jay: Calm down. Didn't you back it up on your computer?
Manny: What kind of man writes poetry on a computer?
Jay: You could've ended that sentence after "poetry."
Gloria: Come in. And no questions.

Manny: My backpack wasn't upstairs. What's that?
Jay: Postcard from a friend of Claire's, Rachel. "Living it up in Club Med Cozumel." Looks like that marriage went down the drain. In other shocking news, Phil subscribes to a trampoline magazine.
Manny: Going through other people's mail, keeping it classy, Jay.

Manny: Mom, my backpack isn't in Luke's room.
Gloria: I don't see it in here, either.
Manny: I don't think it would fit in there.
Gloria: Ay, this was open when I came in. I was just looking for an aspirin. I thought that I heard some noises.
Manny: So you were snooping?
Gloria: Oh, so now it's snooping, wanting to know more about your family by looking through their personal things?
Manny: Not just now. Since the invention of things.

Claire: [aside to camera] Obviously, the novelty of the situation was delaying the inevitable. But I didn't want to get halfway into a trip to Yellowstone before Phil discovered what malevolent hellspawn we have for children. Whom I love very much.

Cameron: Okay, she's all set. I defy you to find a tighter bun in this gymnasium.
Mitchell: Lot of different ways you could've said that.
Cameron: Oh, and good luck on your floor routine, sweetie. Not that you need it. That's Abby. She's the best in class. She's our competition. I've never wanted to beat a kid so badly.
Mitchell: Are you not hearing these?

Jay: Not only do we get blown off, now they're making fun of us. Well, I'm just gonna leave them a little message. As far as I'm concerned, they can all...
Gloria: Horse mouth! That's a good one!
Jay: No, "horse mouth" is not an expression. You can't get this? Look. Donkey.
Gloria: That's not a donkey.
Jay: Look at the ears.
Gloria: Okay. Donkey mouth!
Jay: That's a terrible guess.
Gloria: That's a terrible drawing!

Cameron: Okay, now you're overcompensating.
Mitchell: I have to! You saw what a monster I was out there. This- This is the exact thing I always hated in my dad, that ugly macho testosterone drive to win, and today it has flowered in me.
Cameron: Well-
Mitchell: No, this ends today, Cam. I am not passing this on to Lily.
Cameron: Well, it's not all on you. You know, I'm beginning to think maybe I did sabotage Abby's hair. I didn't spray. I didn't Beyonce. I basically built a ticking time bun.