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43Quotes from ‘Games People Play’

Modern Family: Games People Play

423. Games People Play

Aired May 15, 2013

After Phil gets a brand new RV with hopes of taking the family on a summer road trip, Claire decides to let him learn the hard way that the whole family being cooped up in a moving vehicle is a terrible idea. Jay and Gloria go on a wild goose chase for Manny's misplaced backpack, breaking into Claire and Mitchell's houses along the way. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron get into the competitive spirit when they support Lily at a gymnastics class.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Why are you so scattered lately?
Gloria: Aw, he's just nervous because of his poetry reading tonight. But don't worry, papi. I am going to be there to support you.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I don't want my mom there. I'm exploring some darker themes I'm not sure she's ready for, poems like "The Umbilical Noose," "A Jail Called Mom," "Smother Nature." She'll just find some way to make it all about her.

Quote from Haley

Luke: Dad's in the middle of a super sad dude hug.
Alex: We really disappointed him.
Haley: Yeah, maybe we should just suck it up and go to Jellystone this summer.

Quote from Claire

Phil: This summer - you, me, the kids, - Yellowstone National Park. And that's just the Verona, he offered me an Amalfi. An Amalfi, Claire! That makes the Umbria look like a Portofino!
Claire: Well, they should've called it the Roman, 'cause that's what we're about to be doin'.
Phil: I'm really not following you.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Ten days on the road with those kids? Winnebag-no. I hate it when Phil does this.
Now I have to be the bad guy who comes in and squelches his brilliant idea. I said no.
[cut to:]
Claire: I said no. Get it out of my house.
Phil: Fine. [to alpaca] Come on, Jolene.
[back:]
Claire: Fortunately, this time, I don't have to be the wet blanket, because even on just a short spin up the coast, Phil will see what I see every day. The transformation that happens when our kids are locked in a moving metal box. The kraken that is unleashed. I love my kids very, very much.

Quote from Jay

Manny: But my backpack is in there, Jay, my poem for my poetry reading.
Jay: Calm down. Didn't you back it up on your computer?
Manny: What kind of man writes poetry on a computer?
Jay: You could've ended that sentence after "poetry."
Gloria: Come in. And no questions.

Quote from Jay

Manny: My backpack wasn't upstairs. What's that?
Jay: Postcard from a friend of Claire's, Rachel. "Living it up in Club Med Cozumel." Looks like that marriage went down the drain. In other shocking news, Phil subscribes to a trampoline magazine.
Manny: Going through other people's mail, keeping it classy, Jay.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, my backpack isn't in Luke's room.
Gloria: I don't see it in here, either.
Manny: I don't think it would fit in there.
Gloria: Ay, this was open when I came in. I was just looking for an aspirin. I thought that I heard some noises.
Manny: So you were snooping?
Gloria: Oh, so now it's snooping, wanting to know more about your family by looking through their personal things?
Manny: Not just now. Since the invention of things.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Obviously, the novelty of the situation was delaying the inevitable. But I didn't want to get halfway into a trip to Yellowstone before Phil discovered what malevolent hellspawn we have for children. Whom I love very much.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, she's all set. I defy you to find a tighter bun in this gymnasium.
Mitchell: Lot of different ways you could've said that.
Cameron: Oh, and good luck on your floor routine, sweetie. Not that you need it. That's Abby. She's the best in class. She's our competition. I've never wanted to beat a kid so badly.
Mitchell: Are you not hearing these?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Not only do we get blown off, now they're making fun of us. Well, I'm just gonna leave them a little message. As far as I'm concerned, they can all...
Gloria: Horse mouth! That's a good one!
Jay: No, "horse mouth" is not an expression. You can't get this? Look. Donkey.
Gloria: That's not a donkey.
Jay: Look at the ears.
Gloria: Okay. Donkey mouth!
Jay: That's a terrible guess.
Gloria: That's a terrible drawing!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, now you're overcompensating.
Mitchell: I have to! You saw what a monster I was out there. This- This is the exact thing I always hated in my dad, that ugly macho testosterone drive to win, and today it has flowered in me.
Cameron: Well-
Mitchell: No, this ends today, Cam. I am not passing this on to Lily.
Cameron: Well, it's not all on you. You know, I'm beginning to think maybe I did sabotage Abby's hair. I didn't spray. I didn't Beyonce. I basically built a ticking time bun.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Uh, Lily, did you pull the pins out of Julie's hair?
Lily: Yeah, she fell.
Cameron: Oh. Okay, um I- Could I get everyone's attention for just a moment?
Mitchell: We consider what our daughter just did to be an embarrassment to the sport of gymnastics.
Cameron: I assure you, she did not learn this from us.
Mitchell: And as far as we are concerned, that is a sign of weakness.
Cameron: Not the way a winner behaves, but the way-
Both: A loser behaves.
Cameron: Come on, Lily. Let's get your grips and tiger paws. You're going to a time-out.
Mitchell: Yeah. A nice long one.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: I made pre-team, and my daddies get to watch from outside.
Cameron: No closer than 100 feet.
Mitchell: But we're appealing.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: It's true, Jay. I cheated. I cheat a little bit every time that we come to the game night. I think Mitch saw me the last time, and that's why they don't want to play with us anymore.
Jay: But why would you do that?
Gloria: I don't know! Maybe because I don't want you to think that I am not smart.
Jay: I would never think that. And besides, it's my fault, anyway. The kid is right. I'm too competitive. Lost a game of Yahtzee once. The dice are still on the wall.
Gloria: Yeah, but at least you're not a cheater. I feel like such a donkey mouth.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Summer school. I'm failing pre-algebra.
Claire: Why didn't you say something?
Luke: I don't know. I feel stupid. You know what it's like to follow her? All the teachers look at me and think that I'm some kind of irrational remainder.
Alex: Did I use that right?
Luke: No. Dang it.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Yeah, who have you been talking to so much lately? Aaron?
Claire: Who's Aaron?
Alex: Actually, it's two boys, Aaron and Alex.
Claire: Oh, two boys.
Haley: A boy named Alex likes you?
Alex: Yeah, I know. It's weird. But my friend Andi with an "I" - she's a girl - also liked Alex.
Haley: The boy?
Alex: Yes, the boy. I don't refer to myself in the third person.
Luke: I thought Aaron was the third person.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Family fun meeting by the front door, stat! "Stat" means right now!
Haley: Ugh. What is it?
Claire: Ignore her. She's been in a bad mood all day. And Luke isn't home yet.
Luke: I'm right here.
Claire: Where were you?
Luke: This house still holds its secrets.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I sold a home to the one and only Pete Johnson.
Claire: There's only one Pete Johnson?
Phil: Only one who's California's top R.V. dealer. There's 835 others. Nightmare of a deal to paper.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, and this was his way of saying-
Phil: Thank you.
Claire: Of course. He paid a commission, too, right?
Phil: Yes. And he told me I could take Jolene out anytime. Yeah, I named her! Let's take this dirty girl for a spin up the coast!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have a gymnast in our family.
Mitchell: Yeah, Lily goes to gymnastics class.
Cameron: In one short year, I've seen her blossom from a little girl who couldn't do a somersault...
Mitchell: Into one who kind of can. Yeah, and by that standard, we also have a black belt, art prodigy, and prima ballerina in our family, so...
Cameron: You know, what we don't have in our family is two loving, supportive fathers.
Mitchell: I'm just saying, she's 5, you know?
Cameron: And you never let her forget it.

Quote from Cameron

Julie's mom: Excuse me, is that your little girl out there?
Cameron: It is.
Julie's mom: And you did her hair?
Cameron: I did.
Julie's mom: Do you mind helping my Julie with hers?
Cameron: Oh. Oh, do you guys own a convertible?
Julie's mom: No.
Cameron: Oh, no judgment. Yeah, I'll get to work right when Lily's done.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Cam, look. Lily's in second place. 9.2.
Cameron: I told you she's a gymnast. With scores like that, she's gonna make pre-team.
Mitchell: Are you serious?
Cameron: Mm-hmm.
Mitchell: Pre-team? She could make pre- What's pre-team?

Quote from Gloria

Claire: [knocking, shouting[ Claire! Phil! Haley! Luke! Alex!
Jay: Gloria, we've been through the roster three times. They're not home.
Manny: But their cars are here. Where could they be?
Jay: Who knows what these people do?

Quote from Claire

Phil: And a toasty 75 degrees for daughter Haley. You see, the Verona boasts individualized climate zones, Claire. I could literally transport a polar bear and an orchid and not make two trips.
Luke: Dad, I'm freezing. It's, like, 1 degree back here.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Six minutes in, and it begins.
[back:]
Alex: Here. Take the blanket from the bed.
Luke: Thanks, kitten.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Alex, honey, that's a cute sweater. Doesn't Haley have one like that?
Alex: Oh, it actually is hers. I took it from her closet before we left.
Haley: Really?
Claire: Ooh. Sorry, girls. Didn't mean to start a whole thing.
Haley: I am so sick of you... always looking better in my clothes. When did that happen?
Claire: So you're okay with this?
Haley: Oh, yeah. She can wear whatever she wants after I've had it for six months.
Claire: Oh.
Alex: Or I get it automatically if you buy anything that looks like it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: This just feels right. Huh, team? Matter of fact, I was thinking we could all drive up to Yellowstone this summer. But I say, let's take this beeyotch ocean to ocean!

Quote from Gloria

Manny: My backpack's definitely not in there.
Jay: Well, they're not picking up their phone.
Manny: He must've brought it inside.
Jay: Sorry, kid, looks like you're out of luck.
Gloria: Come!
Jay: Don't they have a burglar alarm?
Gloria: Ay, please.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Okay, everybody, split up and search. Jay, you look in the bedroom.
Jay: I'm not looking in their bedroom.
Manny: Fine. Mom, I don't think my backpack is in Cam's bag.
Gloria: I was just closing it for him. I heard a noise.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Looks like the guys threw a little party.
Gloria: I noticed. They brought out the guest soaps.
Jay: How long have you been in here? Hey, this is that bottle of wine I bought Phil when he started his company.
Gloria: And Claire's lipstick is on many of these wineglasses.
Jay: Pictionary. They had game night?
Gloria: But we always go to game night.
Jay: Son of a bitch. They snubbed us.
Manny: Found it!
Gloria: There must've been a dozen players. Pepper was here.
Jay: But Pepper loves me.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I have to admit. Seeing Lily do so well brought out something in me. The pride of being a parent of a child who wasn't just participating but thriving.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Fall. Fall. Fall.
Cameron: Mitchell, I can hear you rooting for a little girl to fall. If I can hear you, other people can hear you.
Mitchell: Yes! I don't know why I said that. I don't- I'm sorry.
Cameron: Yeah, he didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. No, um, he just got caught up. And, uh, you know, we all know competition makes people do crazy things.
Julie's mom: Look at this! Her bun fell apart during the floor exercise. Her hair got in her eyes and she couldn't even finish!
Julie: You did it on purpose!
Cameron: No!
Lily: Daddies! I'm in first place.
Mitchell: [subdued] Yay.
Cameron: [subdued] That's great.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Maybe they didn't invite you because you're a couple of snoops?
Jay: Okay, Mr. Goody two-shoes.
Manny: A trait normal parents would value.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Perfect freaking harmony.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That's when it hit me. Maybe it's not the cold confines of a moving vehicle that brings out the worst in my kids. Maybe I bring out the worst in them. When there's no fun-lovin' Phil around to neutralize my toxins. I was in a full shame spiral. And then something wonderful happened.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Kill it!
Alex: No, don't! Haven't you heard of colony collapse? Bees are endangered!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Are you really not gonna do anything?
Claire: Oh, Phil, you must have known this was gonna happen.
Phil: I know that tone. You're making a point.
Claire: It's better that you find out who they are now than when you're halfway across the country.
Phil: Well, I guess I'm just a naive boob who thought we liked each other! Obviously, it was too much to ask to think that we could take one magnificent trip in a tricked-out, state-of-the-art R.V. to see the sun dancing off the Pacific. What a huge ask! [claps and kills the bee; exits R.V.] Ow!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I can't stand the way everyone's starting at us.
Cameron: Yeah, I know. It's the way we look at people who walk with their pet birds.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Kill the chicken! Chicken fingers! Pigeon man!
Jay: "Pigeon man." "Pigeon man"! You see, Tony, it's not me. Would you invite her to game night?
Tony: I'm gonna go now. They're kinda sticklers about the next-day delivery thing.
Gloria: Bird in the hand!
Tony: There you go. Any slower, she'd be the U.S. mail, am I right? That's gonna kill at the warehouse.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: This was Manny. He forgot to give it to us, and then he came and tried to sneak it in there.
Jay: Why wouldn't he just tell us?
Gloria: Maybe because he doesn't want us to go to the reading. That's why he was talking about the church and the game. He was working us.
Jay: Guess he's not too much of a goody two-shoes.
Gloria: No. He's a lying, scheming little sneak. That's my son.
Jay: Our son.

Quote from Claire

Haley: I've never seen dad freak out like that before.
Alex: I feel terrible.
Claire: Oh, it's partly my fault. I goaded you guys into a fight to prove a point. Why do I always have to win? How did I get this way?

Quote from Phil

Pat: That you?
Phil: Yeah. You?
Pat: Yep. How many kids in yours?
Phil: Felt like 30.
Pat: I got four. But I'm thinking of emancipating two of them early.
Heath: Tell me one of you has cigarettes or a flask.
Phil: Sorry, buddy.

Quote from Phil

Pat: I've been through every state: depressed, catatonic, Arkansas.
Heath: I considered faking my own death in Bryce Canyon National Park. Have you been? Not to be missed.
Phil: I'm gonna miss it. I'm missing every bit of it. I'm not spending another second in that rolling asylum.
Pat: Poor guy. How long you been on the road? Couple weeks?
Heath: Couple days?

Quote from Haley

Haley: You guys wanna feel better? I auditioned to be a Laker girl this morning.
Claire: What? You did?
Alex: No way.
Haley: I took all those dance classes when I was younger, and, I don't know. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, so I saw online that there were open tryouts, so I went down there.
Claire: And?
Haley: I'm the new head Laker Girl, mom. It was a disaster. I was the worst one there. I couldn't even get through my routine.
Alex: You have a routine?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Pat, Heath, you guys have given me the courage to go back in there, stand up to my wife, and tell her she was right all along.
Heath: Happy trails, Phil.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, I have to show you something.
Phil: Don't gloat. I get it. I keep trying to push this family closer together, but they need their space.
Claire: No, no, no. We have too much space. Being in trapped in one room has forced us to actually talk to one another, and I have found out some incredible things about our kids.
Phil: Wait. Incredible good?
Claire: You tell me.


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