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35Quotes from ‘En Garde’

Modern Family: En Garde

107. En Garde

Aired November 4, 2009

Jay's enthusiastic support for Manny in a fencing tournament opens an old childhood wound for Mitchell. Meanwhile, Phil tries to discover Luke's hidden talent.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] What does it take to make a great salesman? It's no big secret. You just follow the ABC's of salesmanship: Always Be Closing. Don't Ever Forget Great Home Ideas Just Keep Lurking Mostly Nearby.
Often, People Question Realtors' Sincerity. Take Umbrage. Violators Will- Oh, shoot

Quote from Alex

Haley: No! No, no, no, no, no! Phone died!
Alex: No biggie. Your battery probably just statically defracticated.
Haley: What?
Alex: It means you can recharge it with static electricity. Just rub it on your hair.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] When Mitchell and Claire were kids-
Mitchell: This is interesting to no one.
Cameron: Excuse- Please let me finish. Thank you. When Mitchell was 10.
Mitchell: 11.
Cameron: And Claire was 13, they were competitive ice dancers.
Mitchell: Figure skaters. Oh, for god's sakes, I'll tell the story. Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called "Fire and Nice." I was "fire," 'cause of the red hair. And Claire was "nice," because it was ironic and she wasn't.

Quote from Luke

Claire: What are you guys doing?
Phil: Pursuing excellence. We made a list of areas the boy might excel at and... baseball.
Claire: Love it.
Phil: Yeah. I read it only takes 10,000 hours to achieve excellence. You've already got, like, what, how many hours playing ball?
Luke: Well, I played, like, one season. So, like, 6000 hours.
Claire: Yeah, I can see why you ruled out math.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Yeah, of course I want Luke to be successful. But I don't think that a parent can just force that. I think you just have to have faith that the kid's gonna find his own way. [sighs] Besides, Luke already is the best at something: being my son. [chuckles] It sounded a lot less lame in my head.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [v.o.] We tell our kids it doesn't matter if you win or lose, but let's be honest. Winning feels pretty great. There's nothing like that golden moment in the sun. I think every parent probably wants that for their child. You know, maybe a little bit for ourselves, too. Sometimes, we push too hard. And that leads to a lot of resentment and guilt. So, how much is too much? Here's where I come out. Guilt fades. Hardware is forever.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Well, when I heard Manny wanted to fence, I was like, "Sure. Uncoordinated kid, lethal weapon. How can this go wrong?"
Gloria: And what do you think now?
Jay: I'm proud of our little Zorro. I mean, I worked with him a little. The kid's got skills.
Gloria: It's in his blood. His father was a master swordsman. He was an artist with his sword. I mean, the way he throws the sword- I mean, he was legendary.
Jay: You know, this nice moment I'm having with your son, you're kind of wrecking it.
Gloria: Sorry.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Did you know that fencing goes back to the 12th century?
Haley: You know what's even nerdier than fencing? Knowing when it began.
Luke: I don't think you're a nerd, Alex.
Alex: Shut up, dork.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.
Mitchell: Yeah, but, Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.
Cameron: No, I don't.
Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.
Cameron: That's not fair.
Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.
Cameron: To be fair, my vision was-
Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine!
Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Yeah, our kids are great.
Claire: They're the greatest.
Phil: Gosh, we're blessed.
Claire: We are. But, um, are they the best at something? I'd have to think about that.
Phil: Well, Alex is great at every single thing she tries, so, you know, she'll find her specialty.
Claire: She will. And- And Haley is...
Phil: Haley is so pretty.
Claire: Gorgeous. Oh, gosh. Gorgeous girl.
Phil: I mean, so, she can meet someone who's the best at something.
Claire: That's right.
Phil: And then, I guess that leaves Luke. We dropped the ball a little bit on that one.
Claire: Yeah, a little bit.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.
Mitchell: "Some meet"? The 13-and-under regional championships. Just the emerald city at the end of my yellow brick road.
Cameron: Wow. You did it.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: You made figure skating sound even gayer.

Quote from Alex

Haley: There must be something wrong with this phone. I've rubbed it on my head for, like, an hour.
Claire: What? Alex.
Alex: [chuckles]
Haley: Oh, you're such a geek!
Alex: At least I didn't give myself a bald spot.
Haley: Oh, my god! Mom!
Claire: Alex, don't be mean. Haley, stop making yourself such an easy target.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I have got a good feeling about this. This is gonna be your sport.
Luke: Last year, you said basketball was my sport.
Phil: Look, I've said a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can't. What I can do is be the dad you need me to be to help you become masterful. You want to be masterful?
Luke: I guess.
Phil: There's my killer! Okay. Our journey of 10,000 hours begins with a single pitch. I believe in my boy! I ain't gonna quit you. Let's burn one in here.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [on the phone, speaking forcefully in Spanish]
Jay: Everything okay?
Gloria: Yes, I was telling my grandmother how great was Manny today.
Jay: So, that wasn't angry talk?
Gloria: No, silly, that was happy talk.
Jay: Ah, I'm beginning to understand why there's so much conflict on your continent.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] Jay loves to make t-shirts for special occasions. Come on, baby, show them.
Jay: A few years back, my granddaughter Haley ran a 5k, So I had a few of these made up. [holds t-shirt saying "Haley's Comets"] It's just fun.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: He shouldn't be doing anything that makes him nervous. Papi, I support you.
Manny: I'm not nervous. I just don't want to fight a girl.
Gloria: What?
Manny: Defeating a woman would be a mark on my honor.
Gloria: Why? Because men are always so superior to a woman?
Manny: Uh-
Gloria: Uh, uh! So superior that you cannot even finish your sentence?
Jay: Dude.
Gloria: Manny, you always call yourself the lover of women. But if you don't compete with this girl, you're showing me and all the women that you don't respect us.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Did I need the sale? Yes. Was I worried? No. Why? Because. Because why? Because I won't sell anything I don't believe in. And when I believe, you believe. I could sell a fur coat to an Eskimo.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Hey, titans of residential real estate. That's right, I'm talking to you, Sandy Brewster, Skip Woosnum, J.J. McCubbin. Hear those footsteps? That's Luke Dunphy, and he's gonna drink your milkshake.

Quote from Luke

Phil: So, the owner's coming back in an hour with her husband, And I need him. I am telling you, that kid is a genius. There's the rainmaker!
Claire: Why is your iPod in your mouth?
Luke: I'm charging it.
Claire: Alex! Alex!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I guess I'm still a little angry. But, you know, you stole my moment, Claire. Yeah, okay, no, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high-school plays, and, uh, making out with the quarterback, and...
Claire: Oh, come on. You made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Quote from Luke

Luke: My foot! I think it's backwards!
Phil: It's not backwards.
Man: What happened?
Luke: It's the stupid floors. They're too slippery.
Phil: Oak. Also known as nature's pillow.
Luke: It's like ice.
Phil: Now, let's not start blaming the floors. You shouldn't have been running.
Luke: I saw a ghost.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: I'm glad dad's proud of Manny. I am. I just- It would have been nice to see him that proud of us. And by "us," I mean "me."
Claire: [scoffs] And you sincerely thought that the path to dad's approval was going to be through figure skating? Mitchell, I am fairly confident that dad's proudest moment was when you finally took off the flame-red unitard.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So, can we take you and Caroline out for ice cream?
Denise: We can't. She's diabetic.
Jay: Of course she is.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Well, that took a while.
Cameron: Well, she's been asleep for 20 minutes. It just took me some time to sneak out without waking her up.
Mitchell: Kind of like the first time you slept over here.
Cameron: I had a meeting. All right, let's talk about why you got your panties in a bunch.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: So, seeing your dad so proud of Manny didn't stir up any resentment?
Mitchell: Mnh-mnh.
Cameron: Okay. Okay, fine, you always do this. Instead of letting your feelings out, you bury them, and then they bubble up later in hurtful ways.
Mitchell: Okay, you know what, you- Yes, all right. Listen, I might still be holding a little resentment, but that's embarrassing and petty, and it's not a good color on me. It's kind of like you and yellow.
Cameron: You love me in my yellow shirt.
Mitchell: It makes you look like the sun.
Cameron: Okay. Bubbling. Hurtful bubbling. Now you know why I left early that morning.
Mitchell: Ha! I knew you didn't have a meeting, Cam! I knew it!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh! Should have- Should have worn my cup. Should have worn my cup.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: So take back your sword and go fight this girl like a bull!
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: Can't hear you!
Manny: Okay!
Phil: I can't hear you!
Manny: That's really as loud as I can go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: And this is the great room, Although "great" hardly seems to do a room like this justice. Weird squiggly painting not included.
Woman: I actually love it.
Phil: I do, too. It's really beautiful.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?
Mitchell: Nope.
Cameron: Okay, fine. That's your family's way. I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You want to know why I quit? I quit to protect you.
Mitchell: From what? Glory? Fame?
Claire: No, come on.
Mitchell: Press conferences?
Claire: I was bigger than you. I was bigger than you, and I was afraid you wouldn't be able to lift me. You were- You were dropping me in practice, and I didn't want you to humiliate yourself-
Mitchell: I dropped you twice.
Claire: In front of all of those people.
Mitchell: Three times.
Claire: You dropped me all the time.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Stay focused, stay loose, and stay angry. Who's the toughest?
Manny: I am!
Gloria: Who's the bravest?!
Manny: I am.
Jay: Who's the baddest?
Manny: Can you guys ask all the questions now so I don't have to keep lifting this?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Is she your little girl?
Denise: Oh, Caroline? No. No. Sadly, her parents passed away. I'm her nurse down at the children's hospital. But all of my patients are like family to me.
Gloria: Oh.

Quote from Jay

Denise: She's our little miracle. I only wish her father had made it back from Afghanistan to see this. Oh! There's our cheering section! Over here, you guys!
Gloria: [to Jay] Oh, my god, we have to stop him. [signal to Manny]
Jay: Maybe I can pull the fire alarm.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Actually always felt very guilty for quitting. Look, I know how much you loved figure skating.
Mitchell: I never really loved skating.
Claire: Uh, what?
Mitchell: Um, all right. This is gonna sound a little gay. But, um, when- When you and I skated together, you know, you weren't the mean older sister and I wasn't the- the clingy little brother. We were- We were a team.
And, well, let's face it, we've kind of grown apart in the past few years. And- And with mom and dad's divorce, we were on opposing sides, and I just- I- I just- I miss being on your team. That's...
Claire: A little gay.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Let's get out of here. Let's get this thing in the trunk. I can't decide if I'm feeling more proud or mortified.
Gloria: [seeing Claire and Mitchell] How about now?


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