Phil: [aside to camera] What does it take to make a great salesman? It's no big secret. You just follow the ABC's of salesmanship: Always Be Closing. Don't Ever Forget Great Home Ideas Just Keep Lurking Mostly Nearby. Often, People Question Realtors' Sincerity. Take Umbrage. Violators Will- Oh, shoot

Haley: No! No, no, no, no, no! Phone died!
Alex: No biggie. Your battery probably just statically defracticated.
Haley: What?
Alex: It means you can recharge it with static electricity. Just rub it on your hair.

Cameron: [aside to camera] When Mitchell and Claire were kids-
Mitchell: This is interesting to no one.
Cameron: Excuse- Please let me finish. Thank you. When Mitchell was 10.
Mitchell: 11.
Cameron: And Claire was 13, they were competitive ice dancers.
Mitchell: Figure skaters. Oh, for god's sakes, I'll tell the story. Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called "Fire and Nice." I was "fire," 'cause of the red hair. And Claire was "nice," because it was ironic and she wasn't.

Claire: What are you guys doing?
Phil: Pursuing excellence. We made a list of areas the boy might excel at and... baseball.
Claire: Love it.
Phil: Yeah. I read it only takes 10,000 hours to achieve excellence. You've already got, like, what, how many hours playing ball?
Luke: Well, I played, like, one season. So, like, 6000 hours.
Claire: Yeah, I can see why you ruled out math.

Claire: [aside to camera] Yeah, of course I want Luke to be successful. But I don't think that a parent can just force that. I think you just have to have faith that the kid's gonna find his own way. [sighs] Besides, Luke already is the best at something: being my son. [chuckles] It sounded a lot less lame in my head.

Jay: [v.o.] We tell our kids it doesn't matter if you win or lose, but let's be honest. Winning feels pretty great. There's nothing like that golden moment in the sun. I think every parent probably wants that for their child. You know, maybe a little bit for ourselves, too. Sometimes, we push too hard. And that leads to a lot of resentment and guilt. So, how much is too much? Here's where I come out. Guilt fades. Hardware is forever.

Cameron: [aside to camera] And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.
Mitchell: "Some meet"? The 13-and-under regional championships. Just the emerald city at the end of my yellow brick road.
Cameron: Wow. You did it.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: You made figure skating sound even gayer.

Phil: [aside to camera] Did I need the sale? Yes. Was I worried? No. Why? Because. Because why? Because I won't sell anything I don't believe in. And when I believe, you believe. I could sell a fur coat to an Eskimo.

Jay: [aside to camera] Well, when I heard Manny wanted to fence, I was like, "Sure. Uncoordinated kid, lethal weapon. How can this go wrong?"
Gloria: And what do you think now?
Jay: I'm proud of our little Zorro. I mean, I worked with him a little. The kid's got skills.
Gloria: It's in his blood. His father was a master swordsman. He was an artist with his sword. I mean, the way he throws the sword- I mean, he was legendary.
Jay: You know, this nice moment I'm having with your son, you're kind of wrecking it.
Gloria: Sorry.

Alex: Did you know that fencing goes back to the 12th century?
Haley: You know what's even nerdier than fencing? Knowing when it began.
Luke: I don't think you're a nerd, Alex.
Alex: Shut up, dork.