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First Days

‘First Days’

Season 5, Episode 2 -  Aired September 25, 2013

When Luke and Manny start high school, their first day proves to be tougher for Phil and Gloria than the boys. Claire starts work at Jay's closet company but struggles to relate to her colleagues. Meanwhile, as Cameron fills in as a substitute teacher, Mitchell juggles taking Lily to school and an important work meeting.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry. Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Lily: Hey, I've been dressed for an hour. Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Mitchell: Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.


Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I desperately wanted that job. There was just one problem. I don't know much about history.
Mitchell: Hmm. Do you know much biology?
Cameron: Not now, Mitchell.
Mitchell: What about your science book or the French you took?
Cameron: You're lucky I love you.
Mitchell: And I know that if you love me, too.
Both: [singing] What a wonderful world this would be.
Cameron: I really was in a jam, though.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [answering phone] Daddy's office. You sound like a little girl. [hangs up]

Quote from Cameron

Principal Brown: So do a good job 'cause this could be a permanent position.
Cameron: Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest. Because I'm about to "be-dazzling" you.
Principal Brown: I don't know what that means, but okay.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Phil: Hey, save some of that bossing people around for the office, lady.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: After a 20-year vacation, Claire is rejoining the work force.
Claire: Not a vacation. But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company. He's kind of grooming me to take over. I have a background in marketing.
Phil: I'm so proud of her. Oh, uh, speaking of marketing, we're out of milk.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa. It's not even a real job. It's like that summer when I worked for Dad. He was just trying to make me feel good about myself. He didn't really need my help.
Phil: That's not true. I needed your help distributing all those fliers.
Haley: And I did. Wink, wink.

Quote from Haley

Luke: How are you already doing homework?
Alex: It's junior year. I have to get good grades. Don't you know how competitive it is out there? Stop pressuring me!
Haley: You know, this is what happens to kids when they're not sexually active.
Claire: Don't you have some studying to do?
Haley: Please, it's community college. They tell you to bring a glue stick.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher has been eliminated, so I've been working as a high-school sub.
Mitchell: Ka-ching!
Cameron: I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action. I'm kind of like Batman. But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.
Mitchell: Yeah, you found the one difference.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I hate to miss her first day, but do you mind taking Lily to school?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam, today? I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie. I only get him for an hour between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.
Cameron: Okay, you need to confront him. And tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis is making it impossible for you to do your job.
Mitchell: Because he responds so well to criticism. No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up having to get married in your family's barn.
Cameron: Oh, well, we need to book that soon. Because spring is hoedown season, and then you get right into summer stock, so-
Mitchell: I don't believe any of that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Good morrow!
Alex: Oh, boy.
Cameron: Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn? Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces? Are you here to sell your beavers?
Boy: Who are you?
Cameron: The 64-pence question. I crossed the Delaware during the revolutionary war. I spent a brutal winter in valley forge. Who am I?
Alex: I-I have no idea. I-I swear I don't know who this man is.
Cameron: I'm George Washington, of course.
Alex: Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover Native Americans on the Eve of Colonization.
Cameron: Yes. Native Americans. Indians! A majestic, peaceful people, who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter.
Alex: The textbook says many tribes were often at war, with allegiances shifting all of the ti-
Cameron: Shifting all the time!
Boy: So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?
Cameron: Ah! Yes. I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop. [laughs] Uh, do y- Nothing? Seriously, nothing? Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.

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