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33Quotes from ‘First Days’

Modern Family: First Days

502. First Days

Aired September 25, 2013

When Luke and Manny start high school, their first day proves to be tougher for Phil and Gloria than the boys. Claire starts work at Jay's closet company but struggles to relate to her colleagues. Meanwhile, as Cameron fills in as a substitute teacher, Mitchell juggles taking Lily to school and an important work meeting.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry. Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Lily: Hey, I've been dressed for an hour. Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Mitchell: Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I desperately wanted that job. There was just one problem. I don't know much about history.
Mitchell: Hmm. Do you know much biology?
Cameron: Not now, Mitchell.
Mitchell: What about your science book or the French you took?
Cameron: You're lucky I love you.
Mitchell: And I know that if you love me, too.
Both: [singing] What a wonderful world this would be.
Cameron: I really was in a jam, though.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [answering phone] Daddy's office. You sound like a little girl. [hangs up]

Quote from Cameron

Principal Brown: So do a good job 'cause this could be a permanent position.
Cameron: Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest. Because I'm about to "be-dazzling" you.
Principal Brown: I don't know what that means, but okay.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Phil: Hey, save some of that bossing people around for the office, lady.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: After a 20-year vacation, Claire is rejoining the work force.
Claire: Not a vacation. But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company. He's kind of grooming me to take over. I have a background in marketing.
Phil: I'm so proud of her. Oh, uh, speaking of marketing, we're out of milk.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm actually kind of nervous.
Phil: You're gonna be great. And remember, if you get into a jam, just do the impression I taught you. [as Christopher Walken] "Hey. You can hang your clothes in me." Christopher Walken closet.
Claire: I'm not doing that.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa. It's not even a real job. It's like that summer when I worked for Dad. He was just trying to make me feel good about myself. He didn't really need my help.
Phil: That's not true. I needed your help distributing all those fliers.
Haley: And I did. Wink, wink.

Quote from Haley

Luke: How are you already doing homework?
Alex: It's junior year. I have to get good grades. Don't you know how competitive it is out there? Stop pressuring me!
Haley: You know, this is what happens to kids when they're not sexually active.
Claire: Don't you have some studying to do?
Haley: Please, it's community college. They tell you to bring a glue stick.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher has been eliminated, so I've been working as a high-school sub.
Mitchell: Ka-ching!
Cameron: I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action. I'm kind of like Batman. But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.
Mitchell: Yeah, you found the one difference.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I hate to miss her first day, but do you mind taking Lily to school?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam, today? I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie. I only get him for an hour between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.
Cameron: Okay, you need to confront him. And tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis is making it impossible for you to do your job.
Mitchell: Because he responds so well to criticism. No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up having to get married in your family's barn.
Cameron: Oh, well, we need to book that soon. Because spring is hoedown season, and then you get right into summer stock, so-
Mitchell: I don't believe any of that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Good morrow!
Alex: Oh, boy.
Cameron: Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn? Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces? Are you here to sell your beavers?
Boy: Who are you?
Cameron: The 64-pence question. I crossed the Delaware during the revolutionary war. I spent a brutal winter in valley forge. Who am I?
Alex: I-I have no idea. I-I swear I don't know who this man is.
Cameron: I'm George Washington, of course.
Alex: Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover Native Americans on the Eve of Colonization.
Cameron: Yes. Native Americans. Indians! A majestic, peaceful people, who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter.
Alex: The textbook says many tribes were often at war, with allegiances shifting all of the ti-
Cameron: Shifting all the time!
Boy: So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?
Cameron: Ah! Yes. I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop. [laughs] Uh, do y- Nothing? Seriously, nothing? Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: I still feel so stiff. I don't know what to pretend saying.
Phil: You're thinking too much. Just draw from your own life. Like, how was your day today?
Gloria: Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.
Phil: Okay, so use that. My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson, is also sad because his son wouldn't take his advice. And he wanted to be dropped off a block away from school. He expected that from his daughters. But thought his son would be different.
Gloria: That's so sad.
Phil: But Dr. Stephen Wilson is not going to let that ruin breakfast with his mistress.

Quote from Cameron

Principal Brown: Hey, hey, how would you like to take over this team?
Cameron: Well, well, that's an interesting offer. How much does it pay?
Principal Brown: Nothing.
Cameron: Are you firm on that?
Principal Brown: Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position available. It's all yours if you coach.
Cameron: Can I wear shorts?
Principal Brown: Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.
Cameron: Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear shorts. I humbly accept your offer.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [dressed as George Washington] Gentlemen, today is a new beginning. And that can be scary. I'm gonna ask things of you that may not make sense right now. But they will. Success is not guaranteed. It is not handed to you. Success is earned. Today, we are forging a new path, people! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
Boy: Wrong president.
Cameron: Just keep pushing!

Quote from Luke

Phil: Traditional "first day of school" pancakes. Whipped-cream smile?
Luke: Dad, I'm in High School now. Just put it in my mouth.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Buddy, I know a new school can be scary, so a little advice: Every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Hey. Like, um, "I love your hair." "Awesome kicks." "You have a beautiful smile."
Luke: Okay, Dad, I'll tell that big guy over there that he's got a beautiful smile.
Phil: Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet? Are you nervous because of your first day in High School?
Manny: Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia, I'm a changed man.
Gloria: Oh, my God, what did you see?!
Manny: Nothing, but I am an international jet-setter now. I'm sophisticated.
Gloria: And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?
Manny: If not, I still have my "unaccompanied minor" sign.

Quote from Gloria

Phil: First day of High School, huh? Is Manny excited?
Gloria: Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing.
Phil: Oh.
Gloria: Ay, but he does that, too, when he's depressed, so now I don't know.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Put the cookies down.
Claire: Why?
Jay: You're management. It makes you look desperate. Makes you look like you want everyone to like you.
Claire: I do want everyone to like me.
Jay: You want everyone to respect you. You got to be tough. Keep your distance.
Claire: Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers.
Jay: Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] My dad thinks that he can motivate his workers by being a cold, distant authority figure. Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this: Why didn't I listen to him?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.
Director: Actually, we're short a couple of extras. How would you two like to be in it?
Gloria: Yes! That sounds amazing.
Phil: Hey, um, I see a couple of old people. This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it? 'Cause if it gets too descriptive, I'm gonna squirm. I just did it to myself.

Quote from Mitchell

Charlie Bingham: Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half-hour. I have my helicopter standing by on the roof.
Mitchell: Is it even built for that?
Charlie Bingham: No. That's why you only have a half-hour.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough time. We have a ton to cover. We need to talk about new lease agreements and the workers' comp package.
Charlie Bingham: 29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: Hi, sweetheart. I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss, but thank you so much for helping me out.
Haley: No problem. My last class is a pass/fail. And it's community college, so it's pass.
Charlie Bingham: Hi. Charlie Bingham. Wow. Look at your eyes.
Haley: Oh. I-I can't.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Jay: Thanks for "bzzzing" by. I hope you weren't in the middle of a "thang."
Claire: Okay, that did get a little away from me. But to be fair, I broke the ice.
Jay: Everybody thinks you're a dummy. Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact, one of the guys in the break room asked me to lunch.
Jay: Don't say Todd.
Claire: His name is Todd. Oh, no.
Jay: You cannot go to lunch with Todd.
Claire: Why not?
Jay: You can't be associated with him. Up until an hour ago, he was the office weirdo.

Quote from Cameron

Alex: The native Americans and the settlers. Had two completely different ideas of land ownership. Eventually, these differences would lead to war.
Cameron: [gasps] Oh. Look, goose bumps.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We did it! Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and I promise, tomorrow, I will do my best to be more prepared.
Alex: Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?
Cameron: Well, I don't want to be indelicate, but the good news is, is I might be your permanent teacher.
Alex: I don't want you to be my permanent teacher.
Cameron: Oh, what? You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?

Quote from Cameron

Alex: Listen to me. I've worked nonstop to build the perfect academic record, and I'm not going to let you screw it up now. I have an P.P. test in 160 days, and I need to ace it. Can you get me there or not?
Cameron: I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.
Alex: You do realize that all the men of the Alamo died?
Cameron: They all died!

Quote from Haley

Charlie Bingham: It's a prototype. It can withstand the most extreme temperatures on the planet. It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.
Haley: It also repels women.
Charlie Bingham: I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight! Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, no, that is enough! No! No! She is my niece! Okay? This pathetic midlife crisis of yours is- Is hurting the company, and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your messes. Y- You need to focus and you need to start acting your age. Your- Your real age, not your egg age.
Charlie Bingham: Huh. Normally, if someone talked to me that way, I'd fire him. But I respect your honesty. I respect your passion. It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.
Mitchell: Just focus.

Quote from Jay

Claire: It really wasn't bad. Todd is a very interesting guy when you get to know him.
Jay: Did he tell you about his turtles, little Lulu and Stan?
Claire: Ruthie and Stu.
Jay: That's the name he picks? "Turtle stew"? Idiot!

Quote from Jay

Jay: How's that data entry going?
Claire: Good. I am up to 1998.
Jay: Ah, that's when I'd already been doing the job 20 years.
Claire: So maybe I should listen to you?
Jay: Get you home a lot earlier.
Claire: Thanks, boss.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Amazing. You guys are actually hanging out by the water cooler.
Office worker: I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.
Claire: I'm- I'm so sorry. I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know, like...

Quote from Claire

Todd: That's Pritchett's daughter.
Claire: Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that. I'm- I'm a friend. I'm a colleague. I'm just like you. I'm Claire, you know, worker bee, just... [makes buzzing sound] Great to meet you. Sorry to interrupt, and see you around. I do- I got to do this one. Who am I? [as Christopher Walken] You can hang your clothes in me.
Officer worker: [unimpressed] Christopher walk-in closet.


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