Mitchell: All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry. Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Lily: Hey, I've been dressed for an hour. Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Mitchell: Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I desperately wanted that job. There was just one problem. I don't know much about history.
Mitchell: Hmm. Do you know much biology?
Cameron: Not now, Mitchell.
Mitchell: What about your science book or the French you took?
Cameron: You're lucky I love you.
Mitchell: And I know that if you love me, too.
Both: [singing] What a wonderful world this would be.
Cameron: I really was in a jam, though.

Lily: [answering phone] Daddy's office. You sound like a little girl. [hangs up]

Principal Brown: So do a good job 'cause this could be a permanent position.
Cameron: Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest. Because I'm about to "be-dazzling" you.
Principal Brown: I don't know what that means, but okay.

Claire: Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Phil: Hey, save some of that bossing people around for the office, lady.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: After a 20-year vacation, Claire is rejoining the work force.
Claire: Not a vacation. But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company. He's kind of grooming me to take over. I have a background in marketing.
Phil: I'm so proud of her. Oh, uh, speaking of marketing, we're out of milk.

Haley: Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa. It's not even a real job. It's like that summer when I worked for Dad. He was just trying to make me feel good about myself. He didn't really need my help.
Phil: That's not true. I needed your help distributing all those fliers.
Haley: And I did. Wink, wink.

Luke: How are you already doing homework?
Alex: It's junior year. I have to get good grades. Don't you know how competitive it is out there? Stop pressuring me!
Haley: You know, this is what happens to kids when they're not sexually active.
Claire: Don't you have some studying to do?
Haley: Please, it's community college. They tell you to bring a glue stick.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher has been eliminated, so I've been working as a high-school sub.
Mitchell: Ka-ching!
Cameron: I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action. I'm kind of like Batman. But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.
Mitchell: Yeah, you found the one difference.

Cameron: I hate to miss her first day, but do you mind taking Lily to school?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam, today? I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie. I only get him for an hour between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.
Cameron: Okay, you need to confront him. And tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis is making it impossible for you to do your job.
Mitchell: Because he responds so well to criticism. No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up having to get married in your family's barn.
Cameron: Oh, well, we need to book that soon. Because spring is hoedown season, and then you get right into summer stock, so-
Mitchell: I don't believe any of that.

Cameron: Good morrow!
Alex: Oh, boy.
Cameron: Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn? Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces? Are you here to sell your beavers?
Boy: Who are you?
Cameron: The 64-pence question. I crossed the Delaware during the revolutionary war. I spent a brutal winter in valley forge. Who am I?
Alex: I-I have no idea. I-I swear I don't know who this man is.
Cameron: I'm George Washington, of course.
Alex: Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover Native Americans on the Eve of Colonization.
Cameron: Yes. Native Americans. Indians! A majestic, peaceful people, who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter.
Alex: The textbook says many tribes were often at war, with allegiances shifting all of the ti-
Cameron: Shifting all the time!
Boy: So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?
Cameron: Ah! Yes. I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop. [laughs] Uh, do y- Nothing? Seriously, nothing? Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.