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‘The Cold’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Cold

603. The Cold

Aired October 8, 2014

Phil resorts to creative editing of Mitchell and Cameron's wedding video when the footage reveals that he was responsible for a cold that has plagued the family. Jay and Gloria take different tacks as Manny feels the stress of being on the high school football team, while Cameron must decide whether or not to bench him. Meanwhile, Mitchell arranges a play date for Lily with a super smart classmate.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I missed the first two days of culinary camp, so I was hopelessly behind on all reductions and meringues. You can imagine the nicknames. I thought "amuse-douche" was particularly cruel.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] It went to my ears on our flight home. I may have moaned a bit. A crying baby complained about me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] It gave me the vertigo. I was too dizzy for high heels. I had to wear flats. I don't know how people can walk in those things.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Cam, you were right to bench me. I stunk out there.
Cameron: Vindicated!
Manny: But not because of Jay. It's you, mom.
Gloria: What?!
Phil: Tensions are running high. I think we should all go home.
Manny: I've never worried about disappointing Jay. He knows I'm terrible at sports.
Jay: Said it from day one. Only thing coordinated about this kid was his outfits.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Oh, please. You've been dodging him since the wedding.
Haley: You told me to stay away from him.
Alex: I just meant don't lead him on unless you really like him.
Haley: Yes, and you were right, so I've been keeping my distance to protect him.
Alex: Oh. Well, that's actually really mature of you.
Haley: With great hotness comes great responsibility.
Alex: There she is.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I threw up for three straight days. I don't know how models do it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Yes, I am still sick. Yes, I'm going to work on a Saturday. No, this is not wine. It is Dayquil. With a little bit of last night's wine.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: My stupid brother caught a cold in Mexico on his honeymoon, and it's made its way through the family.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I never get sick. I-I must've caught a chill on the beach when my socks got wet. My ankles burn.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Cam brought me this from Mexico, along with two weeks of bronchitis. I don't know which is worse.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what this means? I'm patient zero. What I thought were allergies started the cold that brought the whole family down! No one can ever know about this, not after what happened in Yosemite.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The pink-eye apocalypse.
[back:]
Phil: It took me a whole year to earn back the respect and admiration of my family.
Luke: Well...

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Sydney Barrow, like my Lily, a gifted child, and, thanks to a little matchmaking, her new friend. Yeah, i- It can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child. I don't mean to brag, but that's why I didn't have any friends.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hey, Claire. What's up?
Claire: My fever, you orange jackass.
Mitchell: Oh. Okay. So, obviously, you have my cold now. Everybody's first symptom seems to be hate.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] For far too long, Lily's friends just haven't challenged her. It's been this endless procession of paste-eating, toilet-missing shoe-losers. But these two together. they raise each other's game.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Here I am right before the cake sneeze. It looks like I'm cracking up, right? So from here, we'll jump to a green-screen shot of you laughing, too. Then I'll take that and drop it into a pre-existing shot of a table full of people. Easy! And we are laughing. [Luke laughs] Bigger. [Luke laughs] Like when I do Yoda walking into a spider web. [Luke laughs] Nailed it! If laughter's the best medicine, then you're grape-flavored triaminic.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, now I need some footage of me reacting to Jay's speech to replace the champagne sneeze, and I'll just drop that into another table full of people. How would I react to Jay's speech?
Luke: Give me "touched." Now sad. Sadder. Come on. Dig deep. Think about me going off to college. Why are you smiling?
Phil: Uh, I-I didn't think you'd get in.

Quote from Haley

Andy: I am such a goober sometimes. I was just confused about Beth, and I thought you were sending me some signals, which is so stupid. I hope I didn't, like, creep you out or something.
Haley: You shouldn't feel stupid. You know, you were vulnerable, I was at a wedding, everybody was super-gay, and nobody was looking at me. I probably did send you a signal.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey. So, uh, quick follow-up. Um, when you said I would be destroyed if we had kissed, what exactly did you mean by that?
Andy: Oh, gosh. I guess that is confusing, huh?
Andy: Yeah. I just meant that you would've been emotionally ruined.
Haley: What?!
Andy: Yeah. I don't understand it myself, but there's a lot of heat coming off of this. Girls do not get over this guy. I'm not calling myself a drug, but...
Haley: I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up with you, like, 10 times? She's dying to get back with me, though. I wouldn't say it's withdrawal, but-
Haley: For the record, guys don't get over me, okay? At last count, I have three stalkers. One of them has my face spray-painted on his van. I had to stand there forever while he did it!

Quote from Lily

Lily: I know you sneezed on the cake.
Phil: No one likes a know-it-all!


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