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47Quotes from ‘The Cold’

Modern Family: The Cold

603. The Cold

Aired October 8, 2014

Phil resorts to creative editing of Mitchell and Cameron's wedding video when the footage reveals that he was responsible for a cold that has plagued the family. Jay and Gloria take different tacks as Manny feels the stress of being on the high school football team, while Cameron must decide whether or not to bench him. Meanwhile, Mitchell arranges a play date for Lily with a super smart classmate.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I missed the first two days of culinary camp, so I was hopelessly behind on all reductions and meringues. You can imagine the nicknames. I thought "amuse-douche" was particularly cruel.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] It went to my ears on our flight home. I may have moaned a bit. A crying baby complained about me.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] It gave me the vertigo. I was too dizzy for high heels. I had to wear flats. I don't know how people can walk in those things.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Cam, you were right to bench me. I stunk out there.
Cameron: Vindicated!
Manny: But not because of Jay. It's you, mom.
Gloria: What?!
Phil: Tensions are running high. I think we should all go home.
Manny: I've never worried about disappointing Jay. He knows I'm terrible at sports.
Jay: Said it from day one. Only thing coordinated about this kid was his outfits.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Oh, please. You've been dodging him since the wedding.
Haley: You told me to stay away from him.
Alex: I just meant don't lead him on unless you really like him.
Haley: Yes, and you were right, so I've been keeping my distance to protect him.
Alex: Oh. Well, that's actually really mature of you.
Haley: With great hotness comes great responsibility.
Alex: There she is.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I threw up for three straight days. I don't know how models do it.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Yes, I am still sick. Yes, I'm going to work on a Saturday. No, this is not wine. It is Dayquil. With a little bit of last night's wine.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: My stupid brother caught a cold in Mexico on his honeymoon, and it's made its way through the family.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I never get sick. I-I must've caught a chill on the beach when my socks got wet. My ankles burn.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Cam brought me this from Mexico, along with two weeks of bronchitis. I don't know which is worse.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what this means? I'm patient zero. What I thought were allergies started the cold that brought the whole family down! No one can ever know about this, not after what happened in Yosemite.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The pink-eye apocalypse.
[back:]
Phil: It took me a whole year to earn back the respect and admiration of my family.
Luke: Well...

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Sydney Barrow, like my Lily, a gifted child, and, thanks to a little matchmaking, her new friend. Yeah, i- It can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child. I don't mean to brag, but that's why I didn't have any friends.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hey, Claire. What's up?
Claire: My fever, you orange jackass.
Mitchell: Oh. Okay. So, obviously, you have my cold now. Everybody's first symptom seems to be hate.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] For far too long, Lily's friends just haven't challenged her. It's been this endless procession of paste-eating, toilet-missing shoe-losers. But these two together. they raise each other's game.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Here I am right before the cake sneeze. It looks like I'm cracking up, right? So from here, we'll jump to a green-screen shot of you laughing, too. Then I'll take that and drop it into a pre-existing shot of a table full of people. Easy! And we are laughing. [Luke laughs] Bigger. [Luke laughs] Like when I do Yoda walking into a spider web. [Luke laughs] Nailed it! If laughter's the best medicine, then you're grape-flavored triaminic.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, now I need some footage of me reacting to Jay's speech to replace the champagne sneeze, and I'll just drop that into another table full of people. How would I react to Jay's speech?
Luke: Give me "touched." Now sad. Sadder. Come on. Dig deep. Think about me going off to college. Why are you smiling?
Phil: Uh, I-I didn't think you'd get in.

Quote from Haley

Andy: I am such a goober sometimes. I was just confused about Beth, and I thought you were sending me some signals, which is so stupid. I hope I didn't, like, creep you out or something.
Haley: You shouldn't feel stupid. You know, you were vulnerable, I was at a wedding, everybody was super-gay, and nobody was looking at me. I probably did send you a signal.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey. So, uh, quick follow-up. Um, when you said I would be destroyed if we had kissed, what exactly did you mean by that?
Andy: Oh, gosh. I guess that is confusing, huh?
Andy: Yeah. I just meant that you would've been emotionally ruined.
Haley: What?!
Andy: Yeah. I don't understand it myself, but there's a lot of heat coming off of this. Girls do not get over this guy. I'm not calling myself a drug, but...
Haley: I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up with you, like, 10 times? She's dying to get back with me, though. I wouldn't say it's withdrawal, but-
Haley: For the record, guys don't get over me, okay? At last count, I have three stalkers. One of them has my face spray-painted on his van. I had to stand there forever while he did it!

Quote from Lily

Lily: I know you sneezed on the cake.
Phil: No one likes a know-it-all!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Kiss for good luck?
Claire: Oh, no! I'm not getting you sick. This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciate the back rub. Not sure I love being called "Miss Thang."
Phil: No!

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's six hours to the screening, and I have to edit out all those sneezes without ruining Jay's speech. That means special effects, that means overlapping green screen. What am I saying?! It's impossible!
Luke: [slaps Phil] I'm sorry, Dad.
Phil: No, you're right. It's time to stop whining like a little girl and man up! Let's put on our unitards!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: And Manny, he's been missing a lot of kicks lately. He could cost us a game. I may have to bench him.
Mitchell: A coach has to do what's best for the team.
Cameron: Does family loyalty mean nothing to you, Mitchell? Not to mention I'd be facing the wrath of Jay and Gloria.
Mitchell: Well, then you should play him.
Cameron: And risk our perfect 3-0 record in my first year as the varsity football coach, when this could be a stepping-stone to a college job or who knows what else? You know, it's basically a Cinderella story.
Mitchell: Well, at least you have the outfit for it.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know what I could do is coach. You know, Manny's just in a slump. You know, he's lacking confidence. It's not gonna be easy, but I could pull this off.
Mitchell: That's what you said about the Cinderella costume, and two hours later, we were calling the auto club.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You see what you do to him?
Jay: He's fine. Nerves are good. Just before a playoff game one time, I pulled out a whole eyebrow.

Quote from Claire

Mitchell: [on the phone] No. Someone's counting on you. This is about you and dad and how you just love being his toughy-tough little supergirl who never stays home sick, won a tennis tournament with a broken finger that she couldn't even hold up.
Claire: I'm holding it up now.
Mitchell: Daddy's approval is not the medicine that you need. Why don't you just call him and tell him that you can't take the meeting, old toughy-tough-super-tough?
Claire: Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Love you. Bye.
Mitchell: I love you, too.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Okay, Manny, look, there's no easy way to tell you this.
Gloria: Hola, Manny!
Cameron: But, um I, uh, really like the way you're keeping your uniform clean.
Manny: Color-safe bleach, Coach.
Jay: You'll be fine during the game. Kick it like you kicked sugary drinks last summer.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I'd already had Cam's clogged ears, my dad's bronchitis, and then there it was, right on schedule, Gloria's vertigo. Even I have my limits.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Call dad.
Phone: Paul Rudd is an American film and television actor.
Claire: Shut up. Call Dad!
Jay: [answering phone] Hey, honey. How you doing?
Claire: I'm at the hotel, and I'm really fighting this cold.
Jay: Well, then, that cold doesn't stand a chance, huh? Nothing stops my little Supergirl.
Claire: Yeah.
Jay: What's up?
Claire: Nothing. I just I wanted you to know that I'm on this, Dad.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Uh, I don't want to waste a Saturday night watching some video. Let's just stay home and rent a movie.

Quote from Luke

Phil: What am I gonna do? We have to show this thing in an hour!
Luke: You know what you'd tell me? Show the real video and take your lumps.
Phil: I don't wanna.
Luke: That's what I would say. And then you would tell me, "You might not want to do it, but you have to do what's right."And that will make you go from patient zero to patient hero."
Phil: Damn it, I've got a point. How does someone so smart sneeze on so many things?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, Lily knows all the capitals.
Lily: Dad!
Mitchell: It's all right, honey. The first is Albany. Then there's...?
Sydney: Ohh! I thought you meant world capitals. Algeria, Algiers. Angola,
Mitchell: Oh. Well, you're just a little know-it-all, aren't ya? [Sydney starts to cry] Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I- Oh. Okay. Sydney, forget that I said that, okay, honey?
Sydney: I can't! I have a photographic memory!
Lily: You made my friend cry!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hi. We had so much fun.
Sydney's mom: Oh, good. Sydney, honey, are you crying?
Sydney: He ruined my picture and pulled my hair!
Mitchell: Just little accidents.
Sydney: And he called me a know-it-all!
Sydney's mom: What kind of a person calls a 6-year-old a know-it-all? [door closes]
Mitchell: She's a year younger than you?

Quote from Luke

Phil: Get in the media closet. Cut every wire.
Luke: Dad, get ahold of yourself.
Phil: You're right. [Luke slaps Phil] I said, "You're right"!
Luke: Sorry. I already had it loaded up.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Everybody come to dinner. Then we watch the wedding movie.
Cameron: Hey, thank you guys so much for hosting. And I hope there's no hard feelings about Manny.
Jay: You're the coach. You can't play favorites.
Gloria: Exactly.
Cameron: I am so relieved to hear you say that.
Gloria: No, no, no. One of our chairs is broken. Come. I have a special seat for you.
Cameron: Oh. Mitchell! She benched me.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm just glad we didn't take it any further. Because clearly, we are wrong for each other.
Haley: Totally.
Andy: We are way better as friends.
Haley: Way!
Andy: Like, imagine if we kissed or something.
Haley: Ha!
Andy: That would've been a disaster.
Haley: A huge disaster.
Andy: You would've been destroyed.
Haley: Yeah... What?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Whoa, Joe. What's with the snow on the roof? You're aging like a president.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Sit down.This is a family dinner. We all eat together.
Cameron: Are there potatoes? I smell potatoes.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Here you go, sweetheart.
Lily: You eat it.
Mitchell: Lily, it wasn't that bad.
Lily: You still got my friend's hair in your watch!

Quote from Alex

Jay: What were you thinking with that playdate?
Mitchell: I was feeling protective. That girl made Lily feel bad.
Jay: Or did she make you feel bad?
Mitchell: I didn't love it.
Phil: That happens with all first-time parents. We think our kids are the best or the smartest. For the longest time, that's how we felt about Haley.
Alex: "The longest time"? Really?

Quote from Claire

Gloria: You have always been like this. You put so much pressure into your kids that they fall into pieces.
Jay: I never put more pressure on my kids than they can handle.
Claire: [entering, coughing] Oh, don't be mad, Dad. I'm sorry. I tried. I really -- I tried. [slides to the floor]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay. I didn't mean to imply that if we kissed, it wouldn't affect me. Are you kidding? You are so pretty and so out of my league. It would've rocked my world.
Haley: Okay, then.
Andy: It just would've hit you harder. That's all. [in British accent] Mr. Pritchett! Your bath awaits! Are you prepared for a bum-scrubbing today, sir?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Why were you even out of the house like this?
Claire: Because I'm your toughy-tough Supergirl.
Jay: Yes, you are, but that's no reason to risk you- [Claire coughs] Away from the food! Can we catch this again?

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: This is exactly what you do!
Cameron: To his own daughter. Kind of puts me benching Manny in perspective. Also, is there a sauce going around or...

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Is that -- is that my dancing? Is that what I look like? No, no. Okay, that's really funny. Ha ha ha ha ha. Fast forward. Come on.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Is that my crying face? Oh, it's hideous! Why hasn't anyone told me?! Oh, God, I'm doing it right now, aren't I? Give me that.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh. Look at me in that dress! I look gorgeous! Give me rewind!

Quote from Claire

Luke: Mom, look at you holding on to that bar. You had vertigo there, too.
Claire: Yeah, I sure did. You know, we don't have to linger on that.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All that sweat. What the hell?! I look like I had shamu in a headlock!
Claire: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Jay: Yeah, you and me both. I'm disgusting!


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