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33Quotes from ‘Halloween’

Modern Family: Halloween

206. Halloween

Aired October 27, 2010

Claire is counting on the whole family to make the perfect haunted house for Halloween, but they're all distracted by their own problems: Cameron is scarred by a traumatic Halloween experience, Mitchell got caught in a sticky situation at work, and Gloria is upset because Jay teased by her about her accent.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What else do I say wrong?
Jay: Well, it's not "blessings in the skies." It's "blessings in disguise."
Gloria: What else?
Jay: "Carpal tunnel syndrome" is not "carpool tunnel syndrome."
Gloria: And what else?
Jay: It's not "vo-lump-tuous."
Gloria: Okay, enough. I know that I have an accent, but people understand me just fine.
Jay: What the hell is this?
Gloria: I told you, Jay. I called your secretary and told her to order you a box of baby cheeses. [Jay holds up a figure of the baby Jesus] Oh, so now that is my fault too.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Honey, look. English is your second language. You're doin' great.
Gloria: Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. I want you to be honest with me.
Jay: Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny little mistakes you might want to take a look at.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: Just little mispronunciations. Like, for example, last night you said we live in a "doggy-dog" world.
Gloria: So?
Jay: It's "dog-eat-dog" world.
Gloria: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense. Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? Doggy-dog world is a beautiful world full of little puppies.

Quote from Alex

Claire: How about you, Alex?
Alex: I haven't really thought about it. I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.
Claire: Honey, you can't just slap something together at the last minute. If you gave this costume half as much time and attention as you give your homework, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Alex: Can I remind you you have one child who's not mediocre?

Quote from Jay

Claire: [on the phone] You can't just show up with a backwards baseball cap and call yourself Snoop Dogg, like you did last year.
Jay: I didn't even know who that guy was. Haley turned my hat around and told me to say it. I thought he was a dog detective.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: What is wrong with everyone? Cam, "townspeople"? Really?
Cameron: I lived on a farm. They lived in town. They were the townspeople.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: She punched me in the face!
Gloria: He came out of nowhere, and he scared the baby cheeses out of me.
Jay: Hey, you're talking normal again.
Gloria: Ay. I love the story about the old man.
Jay: Nobody said "old."

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm not done, so not done. Look, here's the thing. We-We have fireworks at Christmas now because that's what they do in Colombia. I don't mind. Thanksgiving- That used to be me roasting a turkey until the gays took it over with whatever new turkey cooking craze it is that you saw on the Food Network, and I'm fine with that too. All I ask all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday for a grown woman to care about this much but it is my crazy-ass holiday. Mine.
Cameron: That's a lot of complaining from somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Oh, and one time she says, "Don't choke or I'll have to give you the Hindenburg maneuver."
Cameron: Oh, one time she caught me staring off and she goes "Cam, what's wrong? You look like a deer in head lice."
[aside to camera:]
Jay: In the service, I had a job briefly handling explosives which sounds dangerous, but it's not. You store them at the right temperature you have no problems.
[back:]
Phil: If you tell her she doesn't have a choice she'll say, "Don't you give me an old tomato."
Mitchell: Or when she's-
Gloria: Okay, enough! You try speaking in another language! Everybody out of my house!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Until you do.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [aside to camera] We love Halloween, especially Claire.
Claire: It's my favorite holiday. Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things. If there was a new horror movie in town I was the first in line. [holding up her stump] One, please. Then I met Phil.
Phil: [with his fake hand] Two, please.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I'm already the new guy. I don't want to be the non-participation guy too.
Cameron: Not on my watch. Unfortunately, Halloween was marred for me personally by an incident long ago. Now it's just a day I have to get through.
Mitchell: So you said.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Check it. I'm a scary black cat.
Claire: The only person that costume scares is me. Go change it.
Haley: To what?
Claire: I don't know. One of your old costumes. Honey, trust me. I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.
Haley: Ew.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [answering car phone] Hola, Jay.
Jay: Where are you?
Gloria: I have Manny in the carpool, and we're going to the dropout.
Jay: Dropout? You mean that Eddie kid? Yeah, he's a moron.
Gloria: No, the dropout, where you drop the kids in the school.
Manny: She means "drop-off."
Gloria: That's what I said.

Quote from Joe

Jay: [on the phone] Listen. Did you ever do anything about costumes for Claire's thing tonight?
Gloria: I'm going to pick them up this afternoon. You're going to be a gargle and I'm going to be an evil village bruja.
Jay: I know less now than I did before I asked.
Gloria: Hmm. A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is a gargle.
Manny: She means "gargoyle."
Gloria: That's what I said.
Jay: As long as you got it covered because if Claire doesn't get her Halloween she turns into a real rhymes with bruja.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: There are exactly three people in costume here a tool, a douche and me and I don't have time to go home and change.
Cameron: Calm down. Did you bring in the dry cleaning from last night?
Mitchell: Are you really getting on me about the dry clean- Oh, I have suits in the trunk.
Cameron: Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait'll you see what we got planned for tonight. Claire and I are goin' as Corpse Bride and groom. As if there's any other kind.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you wanna know? Died of what? Right? You wanna hear it was something that could never happen to you. Well, it's the same with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse no problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Every time I tried to get out of that costume I got dragged into another meeting. It was the worst Halloween ever.
Cameron: Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? You had squeaky thighs. [sobbing] I lost a childhood.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay! This came for you.
Jay: Oh, hi, honey. What is it?
Gloria: I called your secretary and told her to order you some crackers and those cheeses that you like. The tiny little ones.
Jay: Thanks. Did you pick up my gargle costume too?
Gloria: Are you making fun of me?
Jay: No.
Gloria: First Manny correcting me, and now you? If I have a problem, I want to know, Jay.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen? Change it.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: I'm trapped in a men's room, and all I have on is the Spider-Man suit.
Cameron: Hot. Who is this?
Mitchell: Somebody took my shirt, and all the rest of my clothes are all "toilety." I'm screwed.
Cameron: Why don't you just tell Charlie the truth?
Mitchell: I can't. I already messed up once today, and I can't risk it. I have another suit in my trunk but I can't get to the car without going through the office.
Cameron: You know what's ironic? Who could really help you now is Spider-Man.
Mitchell: He's here.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, Mom, you cannot have a problem with this. I'm Mother Teresa.
Claire: Are you kidding me?
Haley: What? I'm her back when she was hot.
Claire: I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes.
Alex: Bet it's the first time you ever heard that one.

Quote from Claire

Claire: All right, now. I just wanna run through this really quick with everybody. Uh, first it's "Trick or treat" and then Phil
Phil: "Come in, if you dare."
Claire: Right, and then Dad does the thunder and the lightning and the fog. Usher the children in, past Alex in her cage.
Alex: I'm in a cage?
Claire: Yes. You're in a house of horrors, being held against your will.
Alex: Yeah, I know. So why do we need the cage?
Claire: And then Gloria pops up as the evil village bruja and she says "Welcome to your nightmare. [cackling]" And then Cam and Haley do their thing. Kids get their candy. They are ushered out. They think it's all over, but it's not because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life. Pow! For one final "aah!" And that's Mitchell. You're the scarecrow.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, no. No. I was in a costume all day. It was awful.
Cameron: It's nothing compared to when I was-
Mitchell: You don't own bad Halloweens.
Cameron: Don't I?

Quote from Gloria

Phil: God, you guys look great.
Gloria: [flat accent] Thank you, Phil. I try my best. You look very dead-like.
Jay: Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, Jay. For now on, I only speakin' proper American so I don't embarrass you.
Phil: Did she just get back from the dentist?
Jay: She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her.
Phil: Make it right, Jay. We're all just hanging by a thread.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Claire, I don't know that I'm feeling up to this.
Claire: Why, Cam? What happened that is so awful you simultaneously can't speak of it and yet can't stop talking about it?
Cameron: I can't. It's too emotional.
Claire: Okay. Some other time.
Cameron: I was 10. Dressed as Quasimodo, on a front porch with my best friend, Timmy Reglar, a Ghostbuster. There was a bucket of candy with a sign. It said "Take one."
Claire: One.
Cameron: Timmy took the entire bucket and put it in his bag. Timmy didn't play by the rules. It's what I liked and feared about him. Then the bag broke. As a crowd of kids rounded the corner, saw the pile of candy Timmy said, "Cam did it!"
Kids: Trick or treat!
Claire: Oh, good. Aren't you glad you got that out?

Quote from Cameron

Boy: Can we just get our candy?
Haley: Okay, but beware of the fog, for you might not be able to see ahead.
Cameron: Boo. Timmy starting running. I wanted to run too but my hunch got stuck on a rosebush, and that's when I fell. I fell hard.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: And Gloria, since when do you speak English?
Gloria: [flat accent] Oh, so now you have a problem with the way I speak? Like father, like daughter in this dog-eat-dog family.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [singsong] Welcome to your nightmare. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Quote from Cameron

Haley: Now your treats are over here but with all the fog, you may not be able to see ahead.
Cameron: And everyone was screaming, "That's him! Get Quasimodo!" And then the townspeople started chasing me and that's when I wet my pants! I wet my pants! I wet my pants.
Boy: This place is weird.

Quote from Jay

Claire: And Dad Dad, it goes lightning, thunder, fog cue.
Jay: This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Claire just doesn't understand, Cam. Maybe she's never been picked on for been different.
Claire: When, Gloria? When have you ever been picked on for "been different"?
Gloria: [normal accent] Ask the gargle.
Claire: What is she saying?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, I wanna tell you a story about a guy eating in a diner, alone. Behind him he hears a woman talking. He doesn't turn around. Five minutes, 10 minutes, just listening for the woman, the life in her voice. And before he even sees her, he realizes he's fallen in love. Now I give you a guess who that guy is.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Listen. I know I haven't been much help today. That whole Jerry and Judy thing, it really hit me hard.
Claire: Is that why you've been acting like such a nut all day?
Phil: You know, what if someday that's us?
Claire: Honey. Look, you might not want to hear this right now after the meltdown I just had in there but you're kinda stuck with me.
Phil: You promise?
Claire: Oh. I do.


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