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‘Halloween’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Halloween

206. Halloween

Aired October 27, 2010

Claire is counting on the whole family to make the perfect haunted house for Halloween, but they're all distracted by their own problems: Cameron is scarred by a traumatic Halloween experience, Mitchell got caught in a sticky situation at work, and Gloria is upset because Jay teased by her about her accent.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What else do I say wrong?
Jay: Well, it's not "blessings in the skies." It's "blessings in disguise."
Gloria: What else?
Jay: "Carpal tunnel syndrome" is not "carpool tunnel syndrome."
Gloria: And what else?
Jay: It's not "vo-lump-tuous."
Gloria: Okay, enough. I know that I have an accent, but people understand me just fine.
Jay: What the hell is this?
Gloria: I told you, Jay. I called your secretary and told her to order you a box of baby cheeses. [Jay holds up a figure of the baby Jesus] Oh, so now that is my fault too.

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Quote from Gloria

Jay: Honey, look. English is your second language. You're doin' great.
Gloria: Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. I want you to be honest with me.
Jay: Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny little mistakes you might want to take a look at.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: Just little mispronunciations. Like, for example, last night you said we live in a "doggy-dog" world.
Gloria: So?
Jay: It's "dog-eat-dog" world.
Gloria: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense. Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? Doggy-dog world is a beautiful world full of little puppies.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm not done, so not done. Look, here's the thing. We-We have fireworks at Christmas now because that's what they do in Colombia. I don't mind. Thanksgiving- That used to be me roasting a turkey until the gays took it over with whatever new turkey cooking craze it is that you saw on the Food Network, and I'm fine with that too. All I ask all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday for a grown woman to care about this much but it is my crazy-ass holiday. Mine.
Cameron: That's a lot of complaining from somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.

Quote from Alex

Claire: How about you, Alex?
Alex: I haven't really thought about it. I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.
Claire: Honey, you can't just slap something together at the last minute. If you gave this costume half as much time and attention as you give your homework, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Alex: Can I remind you you have one child who's not mediocre?

Quote from Jay

Claire: [on the phone] You can't just show up with a backwards baseball cap and call yourself Snoop Dogg, like you did last year.
Jay: I didn't even know who that guy was. Haley turned my hat around and told me to say it. I thought he was a dog detective.

Quote from Cameron

Claire: What is wrong with everyone? Cam, "townspeople"? Really?
Cameron: I lived on a farm. They lived in town. They were the townspeople.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: She punched me in the face!
Gloria: He came out of nowhere, and he scared the baby cheeses out of me.
Jay: Hey, you're talking normal again.
Gloria: Ay. I love the story about the old man.
Jay: Nobody said "old."

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Oh, and one time she says, "Don't choke or I'll have to give you the Hindenburg maneuver."
Cameron: Oh, one time she caught me staring off and she goes "Cam, what's wrong? You look like a deer in head lice."
[aside to camera:]
Jay: In the service, I had a job briefly handling explosives which sounds dangerous, but it's not. You store them at the right temperature you have no problems.
[back:]
Phil: If you tell her she doesn't have a choice she'll say, "Don't you give me an old tomato."
Mitchell: Or when she's-
Gloria: Okay, enough! You try speaking in another language! Everybody out of my house!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Until you do.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you wanna know? Died of what? Right? You wanna hear it was something that could never happen to you. Well, it's the same with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse... no problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria, I wanna tell you a story about a guy eating in a diner, alone. Behind him he hears a woman talking. He doesn't turn around. Five minutes, 10 minutes, just listening for the woman, the life in her voice. And before he even sees her, he realizes he's fallen in love. Now I give you a guess who that guy is.

Quote from Claire

Phil: [aside to camera] We love Halloween, especially Claire.
Claire: It's my favorite holiday. Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things. If there was a new horror movie in town I was the first in line. [holding up her stump] One, please. Then I met Phil.
Phil: [with his fake hand] Two, please.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I'm already the new guy. I don't want to be the non-participation guy too.
Cameron: Not on my watch. Unfortunately, Halloween was marred for me personally by an incident long ago. Now it's just a day I have to get through.
Mitchell: So you said.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Check it. I'm a scary black cat.
Claire: The only person that costume scares is me. Go change it.
Haley: To what?
Claire: I don't know. One of your old costumes. Honey, trust me. I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.
Haley: Ew.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [answering car phone] Hola, Jay.
Jay: Where are you?
Gloria: I have Manny in the carpool, and we're going to the dropout.
Jay: Dropout? You mean that Eddie kid? Yeah, he's a moron.
Gloria: No, the dropout, where you drop the kids in the school.
Manny: She means "drop-off."
Gloria: That's what I said.

Quote from Joe

Jay: [on the phone] Listen. Did you ever do anything about costumes for Claire's thing tonight?
Gloria: I'm going to pick them up this afternoon. You're going to be a gargle and I'm going to be an evil village bruja.
Jay: I know less now than I did before I asked.
Gloria: Hmm. A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is a gargle.
Manny: She means "gargoyle."
Gloria: That's what I said.
Jay: As long as you got it covered because if Claire doesn't get her Halloween she turns into a real rhymes with bruja.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: There are exactly three people in costume here a tool, a douche and me and I don't have time to go home and change.
Cameron: Calm down. Did you bring in the dry cleaning from last night?
Mitchell: Are you really getting on me about the dry clean- Oh, I have suits in the trunk.
Cameron: Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait'll you see what we got planned for tonight. Claire and I are goin' as Corpse Bride and groom. As if there's any other kind.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Every time I tried to get out of that costume I got dragged into another meeting. It was the worst Halloween ever.
Cameron: Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? You had squeaky thighs. [sobbing] I lost a childhood.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay! This came for you.
Jay: Oh, hi, honey. What is it?
Gloria: I called your secretary and told her to order you some crackers and those cheeses that you like. The tiny little ones.
Jay: Thanks. Did you pick up my gargle costume too?
Gloria: Are you making fun of me?
Jay: No.
Gloria: First Manny correcting me, and now you? If I have a problem, I want to know, Jay.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen? Change it.

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