Gloria: What else do I say wrong?
Jay: Well, it's not "blessings in the skies." It's "blessings in disguise."
Gloria: What else?
Jay: "Carpal tunnel syndrome" is not "carpool tunnel syndrome."
Gloria: And what else?
Jay: It's not "vo-lump-tuous."
Gloria: Okay, enough. I know that I have an accent, but people understand me just fine.
Jay: What the hell is this?
Gloria: I told you, Jay. I called your secretary and told her to order you a box of baby cheeses. [Jay holds up a figure of the baby Jesus] Oh, so now that is my fault too.

Jay: Honey, look. English is your second language. You're doin' great.
Gloria: Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. I want you to be honest with me.
Jay: Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny little mistakes you might want to take a look at.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: Just little mispronunciations. Like, for example, last night you said we live in a "doggy-dog" world.
Gloria: So?
Jay: It's "dog-eat-dog" world.
Gloria: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense. Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? Doggy-dog world is a beautiful world full of little puppies.

Claire: How about you, Alex?
Alex: I haven't really thought about it. I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.
Claire: Honey, you can't just slap something together at the last minute. If you gave this costume half as much time and attention as you give your homework, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Alex: Can I remind you you have one child who's not mediocre?

Claire: [on the phone] You can't just show up with a backwards baseball cap and call yourself Snoop Dogg, like you did last year.
Jay: I didn't even know who that guy was. Haley turned my hat around and told me to say it. I thought he was a dog detective.

Claire: What is wrong with everyone? Cam, "townspeople"? Really?
Cameron: I lived on a farm. They lived in town. They were the townspeople.

Mitchell: She punched me in the face!
Gloria: He came out of nowhere, and he scared the baby cheeses out of me.
Jay: Hey, you're talking normal again.
Gloria: Ay. I love the story about the old man.
Jay: Nobody said "old."

Claire: I'm not done, so not done. Look, here's the thing. We-We have fireworks at Christmas now because that's what they do in Colombia. I don't mind. Thanksgiving- That used to be me roasting a turkey until the gays took it over with whatever new turkey cooking craze it is that you saw on the Food Network, and I'm fine with that too. All I ask all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday for a grown woman to care about this much but it is my crazy-ass holiday. Mine.
Cameron: That's a lot of complaining from somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.

Manny: Oh, and one time she says, "Don't choke or I'll have to give you the Hindenburg maneuver."
Cameron: Oh, one time she caught me staring off and she goes "Cam, what's wrong? You look like a deer in head lice."
[aside to camera:]
Jay: In the service, I had a job briefly handling explosives which sounds dangerous, but it's not. You store them at the right temperature you have no problems.
[back:]
Phil: If you tell her she doesn't have a choice she'll say, "Don't you give me an old tomato."
Mitchell: Or when she's-
Gloria: Okay, enough! You try speaking in another language! Everybody out of my house!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Until you do.

Jay: Gloria, I wanna tell you a story about a guy eating in a diner, alone. Behind him he hears a woman talking. He doesn't turn around. Five minutes, 10 minutes, just listening for the woman, the life in her voice. And before he even sees her, he realizes he's fallen in love. Now I give you a guess who that guy is.

Phil: [aside to camera] When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you wanna know? Died of what? Right? You wanna hear it was something that could never happen to you. Well, it's the same with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse... no problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.