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Dead on A Rival

‘Dead on A Rival’

Season 11, Episode 12 -  Aired January 22, 2020

Mitchell learns a valuable life lesson when Murray (Paul Dooley), a former resident of the house, shows up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, the Dunphy’s old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth (Josh Gad), comes to visit with a big surprise for Phil. Then, Manny’s dad, Javier (Benjamin Bratt), shows up with a big opportunity for his son.

Quote from Javier

Manny: Hey, Dad!
Javier: There's my boy! [laughs] Whee! Someone has been wearing my custom-made cologne... Javier! For the man who wants to smell a little bit like a woman.


Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Today, our old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth, is coming to visit. And he says he has a "big surprise" for me. I don't know if the super rich have access to time travel, but if they do, I'm going back to the '90s.
Claire: Ooh, to buy a whole bunch of Amazon stock?
Phil: No! I'm going to tell Felicity not to cut her hair.

Quote from Gloria

Javier: Gloria, dime... why are you suddenly so on board with this trip?
Gloria: I've sheltered him for too long. He needs something real that he can write about. Take him to the seediest bars, introduce him to con men. Let him taste danger. But not shrimp, because it makes his eyelid feel funny. [sees Joe putting on a hat] No, señor! The cycle ends here!

Quote from Alex

Alex: Question. I need to hire an assistant. Do you think it would be unethical to hire the second most qualified candidate?
Haley: What's wrong with the most qualified?
Alex: Well...
[flashback to Alex talking with an extremely attractive man:]
Man: And after graduating Stanford engineering, I was offered a Rhodes Scholarship.
Alex: [giggles]
Man: Do you have any questions for me?
Alex: [giggles]
Alex: I definitely have to carve out some extra time for giggling.
Haley: You can't discriminate against the poor guy just because he's a smoke show. I've been battling hot-shaming my entire life.
Alex: Please don't say "hot lives matter."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Who's the beefcake?
Alex: Oh... [sighs] I need to hire an assistant, and this gentleman is currently the frontrunner.
Jay: Does he get a normal paycheck, or are you just gonna stuff ones down his G-string?
Alex: I do have some trepidation about the optics.
Jay: Well, you should. These are sensitive times. Perception is everything.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't care about any of that crap. I don't have enough work for my assistant, Margaret. Been with me 40 years. I can't just put her out to pasture like some worn-out plow horse. The old broad deserves a little respect.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, come on, let's go.
Cameron: No, hold on just a second. I need to finish this.
Mitchell: Please tell me this isn't another letter-writing campaign. They're not going to rename our street.
Cameron: Okay, Mary Kay Place would be a very fun tribute to an American treasure, but, no, that's not what this is.

Quote from Claire

Haley: What are you doing?
Claire: Oh, I'm trying to spruce up my résumé. This job hunt is killing me.
Haley: I'm sorry, Mom, but if those companies aren't smart enough to hire you, you don't want to work with them anyway.
Claire: That's what I used to tell Alex about boys.
Haley: Just don't jump at the first offer.
Claire: That's what I used to tell you about boys.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: It's from Dad. "I'm almost there."
Gloria: If "almost there" was a place, Javier would be the mayor. [Joe laughs]
Manny: Please stop taking pot shots at his expense.
Gloria: Pot shots are the only thing that we can take at his expense. [Joe laughs]
Manny: I mean it, Mom. You've even poisoned Joe.
Joe: You mean with her cooking?
Gloria: Hey, we're only making fun of Javier!
Manny: No, we're not. Promise me.
Gloria: Okay, fine, I promise. If my good-natured ribbing is making you uncomfortable, I will refrain.
Jay: I've got her on Word a Day cards. We'll see how long it holds.

Quote from Gloria

Javier: Hola, Gloria.
Gloria: Oh, Javier, h... Eeeee.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Nice teeth. Did you get them at the dentist or at the piano store? I haven't seen anything so white and square since the Mormons knocked on my door. And those were just off the top of my head, but I promised Manny, so... Pbht!

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Thanks for coming to my show, Dad.
Javier: Of course. I wouldn't miss it. But, hey, that is not the only reason I am in town. I, um... I have a proposition... something for you to chew on.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Couldn't you chew on it for us with your giant, new beaver mouth? [chuckles] I don't know why I made that stupid promise. I am on fire!

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