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‘Dead on A Rival’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Dead on A Rival

1112. Dead on A Rival

Aired January 22, 2020

Mitchell learns a valuable life lesson when Murray (Paul Dooley), a former resident of the house, shows up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, the Dunphy’s old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth (Josh Gad), comes to visit with a big surprise for Phil. Then, Manny’s dad, Javier (Benjamin Bratt), shows up with a big opportunity for his son.

Quote from Javier

Manny: Hey, Dad!
Javier: There's my boy! [laughs] Whee! Someone has been wearing my custom-made cologne... Javier! For the man who wants to smell a little bit like a woman.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Today, our old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, Kenneth, is coming to visit. And he says he has a "big surprise" for me. I don't know if the super rich have access to time travel, but if they do, I'm going back to the '90s.
Claire: Ooh, to buy a whole bunch of Amazon stock?
Phil: No! I'm going to tell Felicity not to cut her hair.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Question. I need to hire an assistant. Do you think it would be unethical to hire the second most qualified candidate?
Haley: What's wrong with the most qualified?
Alex: Well...
[flashback to Alex talking with an extremely attractive man:]
Man: And after graduating Stanford engineering, I was offered a Rhodes Scholarship.
Alex: [giggles]
Man: Do you have any questions for me?
Alex: [giggles]
[present:]
Alex: I definitely have to carve out some extra time for giggling.
Haley: You can't discriminate against the poor guy just because he's a smoke show. I've been battling hot-shaming my entire life.
Alex: Please don't say "hot lives matter."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Who's the beefcake?
Alex: Oh... [sighs] I need to hire an assistant, and this gentleman is currently the frontrunner.
Jay: Does he get a normal paycheck, or are you just gonna stuff ones down his G-string?
Alex: I do have some trepidation about the optics.
Jay: Well, you should. These are sensitive times. Perception is everything.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't care about any of that crap. I don't have enough work for my assistant, Margaret. Been with me 40 years. I can't just put her out to pasture like some worn-out plow horse. The old broad deserves a little respect.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, come on, let's go.
Cameron: No, hold on just a second. I need to finish this.
Mitchell: Please tell me this isn't another letter-writing campaign. They're not going to rename our street.
Cameron: Okay, Mary Kay Place would be a very fun tribute to an American treasure, but, no, that's not what this is.

Quote from Claire

Haley: What are you doing?
Claire: Oh, I'm trying to spruce up my résumé. This job hunt is killing me.
Haley: I'm sorry, Mom, but if those companies aren't smart enough to hire you, you don't want to work with them anyway.
Claire: That's what I used to tell Alex about boys.
Haley: Just don't jump at the first offer.
Claire: That's what I used to tell you about boys.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: It's from Dad. "I'm almost there."
Gloria: If "almost there" was a place, Javier would be the mayor. [Joe laughs]
Manny: Please stop taking pot shots at his expense.
Gloria: Pot shots are the only thing that we can take at his expense. [Joe laughs]
Manny: I mean it, Mom. You've even poisoned Joe.
Joe: You mean with her cooking?
Gloria: Hey, we're only making fun of Javier!
Manny: No, we're not. Promise me.
Gloria: Okay, fine, I promise. If my good-natured ribbing is making you uncomfortable, I will refrain.
Jay: I've got her on Word a Day cards. We'll see how long it holds.

Quote from Gloria

Javier: Hola, Gloria.
Gloria: Oh, Javier, h... Eeeee.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Nice teeth. Did you get them at the dentist or at the piano store? I haven't seen anything so white and square since the Mormons knocked on my door. And those were just off the top of my head, but I promised Manny, so... Pbht!

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Thanks for coming to my show, Dad.
Javier: Of course. I wouldn't miss it. But, hey, that is not the only reason I am in town. I, um... I have a proposition... something for you to chew on.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Couldn't you chew on it for us with your giant, new beaver mouth? [chuckles] I don't know why I made that stupid promise. I am on fire!

Quote from Manny

Javier: So, Manny, what is your show about? Will there be pirates and tasteful nudity?
Manny: It'll be different from my last one. This is a one-man play in which I portray four characters in a café from different walks of life. When the Internet goes out, they're forced to talk to each other. I call it "Who, What, When, Where, Wi-Fi."
Jay: I'd throw in a pirate.
Manny: I should go get into characters.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny's not going on that trip. I know what an adventure with you means. Seedy bars, con men, souvenir pens that when you flip them, the lady's clothes come off.
Javier: If my son wants to spend some time with me, he should be able to. Jay... back me up.
Gloria: He's not gonna back you up.
Jay: Gloria, let Manny go on the trip. He'll be fine. He's been 40 since he was 10.
Gloria: [pointing to Javier] And he's been 10 for 40 years. It's not happening.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Is this true? Do you really want to hang it up?
Margaret: There are some things I wouldn't mind trying.
Jay: Well, then you should do it. I'll manage. It's going to be weird, though. I mean, you're the longest relationship I've ever had.
Margaret: Four husbands, three heart attacks, countless lovers, and you stood by me through it all. I love you, Jay.
Jay: I love you, too, Margaret. It's been a great run.
Margaret: And we'll always have Mitchell.
Alex: What?!
Jay: She's messing with you. [laughter] No, our kid moved away a long time ago. [to Alex] Hey, forget what I told you earlier. It's okay to hire the hot one. You may make a friend for life.

Quote from Javier

Manny: You know, I really think I have something here. Maybe instead of going on that cruise, I should stay home and work on...
Gloria: You are going on that cruise! It's gonna be good for you. It's so important for your father. He planned a whole adventure!
Javier: We'll drink tequila in Honduras. We'll swim with the dolphins in Bali. But when we travel through the Panama Canal, we'll be required to do some light housekeeping. It's part of the deal.

Quote from Alex

Alex: No offense, Grandpa, but I need someone who can hit the ground running. Margaret's more someone who would hit a pedestrian and not even realize it.
Jay: Just because she's no Christie Brinkley, who, by the way, is a year older than Margaret, doesn't mean we throw her on the scrap heap.
Alex: Well, she'd have to start tomorrow. Is she okay working on a Saturday?
Jay: That's the advantage of hiring somebody with a few miles on her... By 6:00 a.m., she will have had two soft-boiled eggs and be raring to go.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, come on. I want to go. The store opens in a half-hour, okay? You know I get all my pants for the entire year at this sale, and 32 is a very, very common pant size.
Cameron: It'd be great if we could go a day without you mentioning your 32-inch waist size.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: No, this is urgent. Señor Kaplan cut my "Wind Beneath My Wings" number at the faculty follies "for time." So I'm turning him in to the IRS for deducting his breakfast burritos.
Mitchell: You're wasting your life with these rivalries. There is a guy at work who always eats my peanut butter, but I just let it go because life's too short and so is he, and maybe the peanut butter is just his creamy substitute for human affection.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: Being a gracious host.
Mitchell: To a stranger who wants to die here?
Cameron: Oh, come on, Mitchell, nothing's going to happen. It's just a cry for help.
Mitchell: Okay, if I can't get a pair of slim-cut chinos in French Blue, you're gonna die here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Marvin? Milton?
Cameron: No, it's Murray. Murray? Murray!
Mitchell: Murray! Oh, my God. Did he actually die?
Cameron: Calm down! I'm... I'm first aid certified! Murray? [screams] Murray!
Mitchell: Who taught you first aid, a nanny on death row?
Cameron: Wake up!
Murray: Damn it. I flew coach all the way from Florida to die in this house, and you ruined it!
Mitchell: Oh, my God. That's insane. You knew you were going to die and you flew coach?

Quote from Jay

Manny: So, tickets for my show today are at will call. And good news... I was able to get you comps.
Jay: I'm sure it'll cost me in other ways.

Quote from Javier

Javier: I was in a high-stakes poker game with a King-high Flush. So I bet my house.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no. You're not living in Manny's room.
Javier: I won a year-long cruise around the world. I want you to set sail with me for the entire voyage!
Manny: What?!
Gloria: Absolutely not.
Manny: I should ask my gal at Nordstrom to pull some cruise looks for me.
Javier: Look at him, he's chomping at the bit.
Gloria: Stop setting me up!

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