The Good Place Quotes
- Season 1
- Season 2
- Season 3
- Season 4
The Good Place
After her untimely death, Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), a self-absorbed woman without much virtue to her name, arrives in a heavenly utopia run by architect Michael (Ted Danson).
Kristen Bell, William Jackson Harper, Jameela Jamil, D'Arcy Carden, Manny Jacinto, Ted Danson.
Recurring Actors: Marc Evan Jackson, Tiya Sircar, Maya Rudolph, Kirby Howell-Baptiste, Jason Mantzoukas, Maribeth Monroe, Adam Scott, Brandon Scott Jones, Benjamin Koldyke.
Original Run: 2016-2020.
Tahani: Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.
Jason: Janet was my whole afterlife. How am I gonna get over her?
Tahani: I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended. Champagne and Alanis Morissette. Not the actual singer. I just listened to her albums at my friend Adele's house.
Jason: Why don't you want your name on the opera house? I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
Chidi: [sings] You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and eat them both up You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and add the M&Ms You put the Peeps in the chili pot, It makes it taste... bad! [clears throat] [talks] I'm gonna eat all this chili and/or die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna put it right down here. Come on. Dip your balls in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
Man: Professor? I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. So can you teach us anything?
Chidi: All right, nerd. You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. How do ya like them apples? Now over the last, 2,500 years Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off, there's "virtue ethics." Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity. And you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. Next, there's consequentialism. The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action. How much utility, or good, did it accomplish versus how much pain, or bad. And finally, there's deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society. Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies all three of those theories are hot, stinky, cat dookie. The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism. The world is empty. There is no point to anything and you're just gonna die. So, do whatever! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and you all can jump up your own butts.
Woman: Is that going to be on the test?
Chidi: Yes. And no. And you all get "A"s or "F"s. And there is no test. And you all failed it, and you all got "A"s. Who cares? Goodbye. [groaning voice] Goodbye.
Gloria: Hi! Oh, you must be the new student Eleanor Shellstrop. I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.
Gloria: Well, welcome to Adobe High, home of the Scorpi-oties! Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions, half wanted to be the Coyotes, so we compromised. Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?
Eleanor: Yeah, no thanks, moptop.
Gloria: Uh, sorry?
Eleanor: Don't need your help, don't wanna sign your yearbook in, like, gel pen, don't wanna bedazzle our college essays, or whatever. I'm here for like six months, and I'm gonna fly solo. Beat it, Gloria.
Jessica: She is, like, such a dork. She, like, loves this school so much. Why don't you come sit with us? We'll teach you which guys are cute and which teachers are secretly pervs, and...
Eleanor: Yeah, that's a hard pass as well. I don't wanna get chunky highlights, make fun of nerds, and steal your mom's flavored vodka. I get your whole "mean girl" thing, and I'm all set with it, thanks. In fact... [stands up, bangs cafeteria trays together] Listen up, everyone. I'm Eleanor, I'm new here, and as a blanket statement for everyone: I don't wanna be a part of whatever little group you've formed because they're all equally lame. Everybody cool? Great.
Todd: Hey, that was really cool, the way you told all those poseurs...
Eleanor: I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad... all the time. That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
Eleanor: Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew... "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."