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‘ClosetCon '13’ Quotes

Modern Family: ClosetCon '13

508. ClosetCon '13

Aired November 20, 2013

As Claire and Jay head to a closet industry trade show, Phil gets in trouble back at Jay's house. Meanwhile, Cameron is excited to show Mitchell and Lily what life is like on the farm, until Grams makes an unexpected appearance.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: No, no, sweetie, we're just having a conversation about how your daddy can be so stuck-up.
Mitchell: Cam, that's really mature. Use our daughter to get your little digs in. I would never do that, sweetie.
Cameron: You don't think I notice how condescending you are when we come here? You just set on the porch. You roll your eyes. You don't participate in anything. And, yeah, I said "set." But that's how we talk here. I'm from this place. I'm proud of this place. And it hurts me that the man I love just thinks it's some big joke. Come on, sweetie.
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

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Quote from Gloria

Phil: We're gonna have to improvise. Gloria, call the steakhouse and cancel. Um Manny, find some glue. Luke, let's get these parts into the garage. I know this seems impossible, but we can do this!
Gloria: [on the phone] Hello. Houston's? We have a situation.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Boy, it starting to get nippy, huh? You guys want to walk down to the duck pond?
Barb: Um, that sounds lovely. I'll get the gun.
Lily: Are y'all coming?
Mitchell: "Y'all"? We don't say "y'all"!
Cameron: Yeah, we do.
Mitchell: No, well, yeah, we say it here, but not normally.
Cameron: Well, did you ever think this is how I really talk and that I talk different-like when I'm not here?
Lily: Y'all fighting?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We never told Gram about the gay. You know, after they reach a certain age, you worry that it could be the thing that sends them over the edge, and she's been on the edge for a long time. We're actually on deathbed number two.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: No, that alarm means there's a tornado coming right now.
Mitchell: Oh, God. Well, where's Lily? I hope she's not still out in the field.
Cameron: [shouting] Lil-y-y-y-y!
Mitchell: You can't just call her like a pig!
Cameron: Lil-y-y-y-y-y!
Mitchell: Okay, this is just a farm thing, not, like, a mall thing.
Cameron: What's that, city voice?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] After the initial shock, Gram softened a bit. She even agreed to attend the wedding.
Mitchell: Standing outside with a sign.
Cameron: Baby steps, Mitchell. Baby steps.

Quote from Cameron

Barb: Want to ring the dinner bell, "little bomber"?
Mitchell: Oh, that's actually really quaint. Is it one of those little triangle thi-
Cameron: [shouting] S-o-o-o-ooey! Hoo! [pigs squeal]
Barb: Loudest call in the tri-county area.

Quote from Jay

Jay: How the hell did they lose our reservation?
Claire: Dad, you were married to mom for thirty years, what's another couple nights on a couch.
Jay: I'm gonna call for the cot. I'm gonna try to squeeze them on that $9.95 Wi-Fi fee. They're selling air.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know, I forgot how much work there was to be done around here. I've been mendin' fence all morning.
Mitchell: Been mendin', have you?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Missouri. Misery. huh.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, "manimal." How was picture day?
Manny: You know what's super-helpful? When the guy in line behind you calls you "Mount Sweatmore."
Luke: I was trying to relax you.
Phil: Hey. It was right in front of you, "Brad Pitt-stains. "
Luke: Come on, Luke.
Phil: It's okay.

Quote from Manny

Luke: New security system?
Gloria: You can see the backyard, the front door, the garage, everywhere.
Manny: Yeah, can't take any chances since mom gave birth to the Hope diamond over there.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] My mom was pretty self-involved, and my dad traveled a lot for work. So, yeah, I did wonder if... you know. And not that I could blame him. My friend Alison's mom greeted her every day after school with a big hug and a giant smile, and I always thought, "Yeah. Wouldn't mind a piece of that."

Quote from Jay

Jay: So, are we doing this?
Rita: I'll bring it to your room this afternoon.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: We have a little tradition at ClosetCon for rookies, which Claire is this year. We take a skeleton. We hide it in their closet. They open the door and scream, and we all have a good laugh. Can't take full credit for the idea. We stole it from Cabinetcon.

Quote from Gloria

Haley: Ugh. I'm starving. What are we gonna do about dinner?
Alex: I checked with Dad, and I ordered a couple pizzas from Theo's.
Haley: I knew it! You're stalking my pizza guy! He is not into you, okay? Does he call you "brown eyes" and give you extra mozzarella sticks?
Gloria: Okay, that's it, you two! You cannot fight over men like it's jewelry or shoes. If you're both interested, no one makes a move. Sisters before misters!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell. Mitchell. Okay. W- What's this?
Mitchell: This is me ready to slop, bale, or milk something.
Cameron: You don't need to do that.
Mitchell: No, I- Cam, I-I know. I know I gave you hell for being who you really are, and I want to make that up to you.
Cameron: Yeah, but you know what? Putting on my sister's Sunday overalls is gesture enough. What's this?
Mitchell: Oh, it's my chewing straw.
Cameron: It's not straw.
Mitchell: Oh, it's just show. For show.

Quote from Frank

Luke: Here's what we've got to work with.
Phil: Nicely done. I've got Florida on the line. Dad, I'm flying you in. You're the model expert.
Frank: [over video chat] What are we looking at, son? Holy Moses. More like Apollo 1,300 pieces! In space, I guess no one can hear you be hilarious.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right, you know what? You- You deal with your grandmother however you want. Lily and I will just go get a hotel room.
Cameron: No, you can't.
Mitchell: Fine. Motel, silo, whatever you got around here.

Quote from Haley

Gloria: Okay, it's really in there good.
Alex: Get her off of me. I'm getting dumb through osmosis.
Haley: I don't have osmosis.

Quote from Mitchell

Grams: Well, you're a cute little Chinese thing.
Cameron: Actually, Gram, she's, uh, from Vietnam, and her name's Lily.
Lily: Dad, how long do we have to stay down here?
Grams: "Dad"?
Cameron: Okay, well, I guess there's no way around this.
Mitchell: Ac- [southern Accent] Actually, ma'am she's my kin.
Grams: So, you got a Chinese wife, Bud?
Mitchell: No, I-I-I went to Vietnam, and I did myself some adopting, and now I'm raising her all by my lonesome.
Grams: Well, I never thought I'd live long enough to see that.
Barb: None of us did.
Grams: But I guess there's nothing more important than family, mo matter how they come.
Mitchell: Well, that is mighty open-minded of you. Some folks 'round these parts don't share that progressive - I say progressive - sensibility.
Grams: To each his own. But I do wish I had another little one like that to spoil.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What if I told you you did have a great-grandbaby?
Grams: What?
Barb: Cam.
Cameron: It's okay, mama. What if I told you I was in love, and that I've never been happier in my entire life, and that I'm about to get married?
Grams: I can't think of anything better.
Cameron: And what if I told you the love of my life is this man standing right here?
Grams: Then I'd know why God sent us this tornado.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. All that's left is to reattach the lander to the command module. We got one shot at this, fellas. If we fail, Jay's gonna burn up on re-entry into this house. Am I right?
Frank: [laughing over video chat] Hole in one, son!
Phil: Thanks, Dad.


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