Jay: It's a movie. New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he-
Manny: Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
Jay: You've seen it?
Manny: It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

Manny: But you also shouldn't worry about what Dad thinks. I think you should become a citizen because even back when we were alone in our apartment this is what you always wanted.
Gloria: Remember sitting by the window, watching reruns of Miami Vice on the neighbor's TV and all the bad guys were caught and all the policemen had all those nice cars?
Manny: We used to watch that and think what an amazing country this was.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Did a little research. If Mom isn't a citizen when Jay "moves on to a better place", we could be looking at a pretty hefty estate tax. I don't wanna sound insensitive but I have acquired a real taste for truffles.

Gloria: Manny, I can take care of a baby. I took care of you.
Manny: Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I just did not get the appeal of intentionally soiling one's pants. That said, I will admit to missing the kisses on my tummy.

Manny: [aside to camera] I missed the first two days of culinary camp, so I was hopelessly behind on all reductions and meringues. You can imagine the nicknames. I thought "amuse-douche" was particularly cruel.

Manny: I'm not fighting anymore. It's not worth it.
Gloria: But you're doing so good. You just have to turn your shoulder first so that you can throw your weight behind your punch. If you want. I already think that you're very tough. This is all Jay's idea.
Jay: All right. Come on, kid. Show 'em who's boss.
Manny: No. I'm more of a lover than a fighter. Well, that's the goal anyway.

Manny: [aside to camera] We're doing a stock market project in school, and today's the last day. We all get a thousand fake dollars to invest, and as the market closed yesterday, I'm in the lead. I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I will be the richest. Which is good because the ladies love that, and I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

Gloria: Ay, good morning, papi.
Manny: Is it?
Gloria: Ay, you're still sad because of that audition.
Manny: That part was mine. I was born to play Tevye. Instead they give it to Rod Jackson? What does he know from suffering?

Gloria: We have to get rid of Stella.
Jay: Slow down. We haven't decided anything yet.
Gloria: Yes, we have. It's what's best for Joe.
Manny: And for whatever it's worth, my eyes have stopped itching, I can taste my food, and I have more energy.
Jay: You took a three-hour nap yesterday.
Manny: I was tired from the marathon.
Jay: The "Downton Abbey" marathon?

Manny: [aside to camera] Luke somehow beat me in the election for president, and I still can't get over it.
Not to be hyperbolic, but humans are a decade away from fighting apes on horseback.

Gloria: Jay! Manny! Good news! Mitch and Cam are getting a new baby today.
Jay: Really? That's fantastic.
Gloria: And it's Latino!
Manny: How's that giant fence working out for ya?