TV Quotes

Gloria: Because he wasn't even trying.
Manny: I'm sorry, but Spanish just doesn't seem natural to me. I don't like the way it hits my ear.
Gloria: What could be more natural than your mother's tongue in your ear?

Phil: He's a little jumpy.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily: I did.

Phil: [answering FaceTime] I know we're not there yet, but I've been researching annulments.
Claire: Oh, we are there because you let our child get a Mohawk!
Phil: Sweet. We, uh, had a bet.
Claire: You let him get a Mohawk because he won a bet?
Phil: No, he lost a bet.
Claire: What? Phil!
Phil: You'd rather I had a Mohawk? I have a career.

Manny: They say the important thing in life isn't the destination. It's the journey, the challenges you face along the way, the unexpected twists and turns, the disappointments you overcome. But they're wrong. It's all about the destination, especially when the destination is your amazing oceanfront hotel. Thank you again, Serena. Warmest regards, Manny Delgado.
Jay: What's he doing?
Gloria: He's sending flowers to the concierge.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Manny: [clicks fingers] Hey, credit card.

Andre: Come look at this. This thing warns you if you deviate from your lane. In my car, that's my wife. "Andre, if you try to kill me, I swear I will kill you!"
Phil: Well, I guess this is what I'll be driving for the next 39 months.
Andre: This is my D.N.A. talking, but you do not seem sufficiently excited about the prospect of driving a new Cadillac.
Phil: No, it's great. I've just leased the same thing forever. Part of me wants to shake things up. I don't know.
Get something like... Like that.
Andre: Oh, wow.
Phil: Colonel Klink, that is nice.