TV Quotes

Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

Gloria: [aside to camera] I always wanted a daughter. To dress her up with pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. [chuckles] No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everybody that he was my daughter. [laughs] Ay, but just for a few times. I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.

Cameron: [aside to camera] This week, the world lost a great man, and I lost a mentor. For nearly 60 years, Professor Ringmaster Al Uzielli helped young hopefuls like me find their clown persona.
Mitchell: "Professor Ringmaster"?
Cameron: It's a very prestigious title at Clown College. One step below Piemaster General.

Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.
Phil: Okay.
Claire: Mmm. That was a little fast.
Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Claire: Okay. Any idea of who you would remarry?
Phil: Vicky Conroy probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.
Alex: Are you guys talking about Vicky?
Phil: Yeah.
Alex: Mom, she's awesome.
Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I-
Claire: Something's gonna happen to you, all right.

Haley: Oh, by the way, here is the insurance money.
Claire: Thank you.
Alex: A lot of singles in there. What exactly do you do at this club? [chuckles]
Haley: Oh, right. 'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex. [chuckles] Oh, my God, do you really think I'm a stripper?
Phil: No.
Claire: No.

Waitress: Can I get you anything?
Jay: You know what a Reuben is?
Waitress: Yes.
Jay: No, you don't. This is a Reuben. You grill the bread and the corned beef separately. Now, I said "corned beef." There's no vodka in a martini. There's no pastrami in a Reuben. You put 'em together. Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian. Axis, neutral, Ally. That's how you remember.
Waitress: Got it. Rodrigo! Number siete!