TV Quotes

Jay: Okay. So we both like to be in charge. But when it comes to Joe, can we both be on the same page? Like this morning when I was trying to get him to eat his vegetables? Back me up.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I knew I should have thrown away those beets! Stupid. What am I, 4?

Phil: He's a little jumpy.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily: I did.

Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

Joe: Thank you for bweakfast.
Gloria: You're welcome, sweetie. [sighs] Did you hear that? "Bweakfast." It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy. I want everybody to understand every single thing he says. [thick accent] Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast?
Jay: Not a clue.

Jay: Well, he ain't here. Let's go. My famous chili has been simmering since 5:00 a.m.
Cameron: Y-You know, it is funny that you keep calling your chili "famous" when I find it a little... forgettable.
Jay: Cam, I'm a successful man. Captain of industry, made out with a Gabor sister, and if I can swing a few more board votes, we break ground on the Pritchett School of Closet Science at Ohio State. Not really sweating your take on my chili.
[aside to camera]
Jay: He'd hurt me deeply. I kept mentioning chili 'cause, you know, I was trying to jog his memory, 'cause we were supposed to make it together. I've waited my whole life for a special Super Bowl buddy, someone who understands it isn't just a game. It's a 15-hour, 4-meal, 2-shirt, 1-nap experience, and I thought Cam could be that buddy. Then I started worrying Cam might forget a date we set a year ago.
[flashback:]
Jay: [cellphone rings] He remembered. He remembered, Stella! Be cool. [answers phone, yawning] Hey, what's up? Oh, butt-dial. No, I see. Yeah, take it easy.

Jay: You know what always calms you down? Joe's little duck song. Now, let's- Let's get that going.
Gloria: I hate him.
Jay: [singing] quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade
Gloria: I want blood!
Jay: [singing] Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade tail up, head down [Gloria joins] shake your feathers all around everybody's smiling at the duck parade