TV Quotes

Phil: So, Dad, I, uh, I w... I wanted to ask you...
Frank: Oh, boy. No serious talk, okay? Yes, I'm taking all my million pills. You can come over and press my stomach. I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.

Phil: He's a little jumpy.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily: I did.

Jay: Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Gloria: Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
Jay: No.
Gloria: Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Jay: Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law. Now maybe in Colombia-
Gloria: Ah, here we go. Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we're Peruvians!

Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.

Phil: I didn't feel like going to my grandpa's house that Sunday, so I pretended to have a cold. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later...
Claire: Oh, no.
Phil: Yep. I got the cold. I thought it was Karma, so I hopped on my bike and I rode straight to my grandpa's. I climbed in his lap and I hugged him so hard. We even shared an ice cream cone. It's a memory I'll always cherish, 'cause in a crazy coincidence, he got a cold too, and was dead within a week.

Mrs. Nuttle: I realize our juniors are busy with S.A.T.s, so as a rule, I only give two hours of homework a night.
Claire: Two hours?
Mrs. Nuttle: Our students are highly advanced. It's nothing they can't handle.
Claire: You know, I'm- I'm sure they can. It's just that if they have two hours in this class and they have an hour for A.P. Bio and an hour and a half for, um, advanced lit and- Hang on one second. Let me just do this on the board, 'cause then it's... Um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.5 and then another, uh, hour and a half for A.P. History gives us...
Nina: It's 6.
Claire: Yes! Nina, I was getting there. Thank you! Thank you so much! If I could just have a second to think without all the tippy-tappy typing. Six.