Claire: [aside to camera] Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. All you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back. I think Haley is sending me that signal.
Phil: [clears throat] And?
Claire: And Phil gave me that analogy.

Sal: Sorry you couldn't come to the wedding. It was no kids.
Lily: It's okay. I'll go to your next one.
Sal: Wow.
Mitchell: Yeah. She- She just means when she's not a kid anymore, you know?
Lily: She knows what I mean.
Sal: I don't like you.
Lily: [whispers] I'll get over it.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Sal was our best girlfriend from back in our party days, but over the years, we've kind of gone in different directions.
Mitchell: We chose forward.

Sal: His name is Tony. I met him three months ago. He's the greatest guy ever. And seriously, are you guys okay with this?
Cameron: Of course. Why wouldn't we be?
Sal: Well, you know, because I can get married, and you guys, ugh, Cant.
Mitchell: So? That doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Sal: Really? Because I will not go through with it if you don't want me to. Seriously.
Cameron: Not necessary. I mean, what kind of people would we be if we denied you or anyone the right to marry?
Mitchell: Hashtag politics.

Sal: The wedding is gonna be super cute, just us, a little dinner after. Oh, and it's next Friday.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: What, it's next Friday?
Sal: Yeah.
Cameron: How will we have time to do best man stuff? You know, like help you pick out your dress, get your flowers, get our hair blown out?
Mitchell: He's never been a best man before.

Jay: What's the matter with you? You don't do that in front of strangers. At least throw a blanket over.
Gloria: I am not ashamed.
Jay: Obviously. They're out all the time. In front of Manny, at the club, at Claire's dinner the other day. Phil almost ate a candle.

Cameron: We're just happy you're happy. And we're excited that we're gonna get to see so much more of you now.
Mitchell: Yes. We'll be couple friends. We'll go to movies.
Cameron: Take classes.
Mitchell: Oh, our game nights on Saturday, they're epic, yeah. Do you play Cranium?
Sal: Well, if I'm playing board games on a Saturday night, you can shoot me in my cranium. But I love you!

Manny: [aside to camera] I didn't hear a word they said. All I could think about was Daliya. Every drawing, every poem, every historical novel I wrote was for her. She was my muse. Toss in a body that doesn't quit, and I think we got a soul mate.

Jay: So there's a lot of other things you can draw. You've got your landscapes. You've got your bowls of fruit. Trees.
Gloria: A barn. The ladies with the fruit on the head.
Jay: I said fruit.
Gloria: But you didn't say the ladies with the fruit on the head.
Jay: I'm trying to get him away from the ladies.
Gloria: Ah, good. Good. Good.

Luke: This is so stupid. What if I spill on her, or accidentally brush my boob against her hand? I mean her hand against my boob.