Previous Episode Next Episode 

46Quotes from ‘Best Men’

Modern Family: Best Men

417. Best Men

Aired February 27, 2013

Mitchell and Cameron's best girlfriend, Sal, drops in out of the blue with surprising news. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria are surprised when Manny gets in trouble in art class, Claire has a rare bonding moment with Haley, and Phil helps Luke talk to a girl he likes.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. All you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back. I think Haley is sending me that signal.
Phil: [clears throat] And?
Claire: And Phil gave me that analogy.

Quote from Lily

Sal: Sorry you couldn't come to the wedding. It was no kids.
Lily: It's okay. I'll go to your next one.
Sal: Wow.
Mitchell: Yeah. She- She just means when she's not a kid anymore, you know?
Lily: She knows what I mean.
Sal: I don't like you.
Lily: [whispers] I'll get over it.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Sal was our best girlfriend from back in our party days, but over the years, we've kind of gone in different directions.
Mitchell: We chose forward.

Quote from Mitchell

Sal: His name is Tony. I met him three months ago. He's the greatest guy ever. And seriously, are you guys okay with this?
Cameron: Of course. Why wouldn't we be?
Sal: Well, you know, because I can get married, and you guys, ugh, Cant.
Mitchell: So? That doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Sal: Really? Because I will not go through with it if you don't want me to. Seriously.
Cameron: Not necessary. I mean, what kind of people would we be if we denied you or anyone the right to marry?
Mitchell: Hashtag politics.

Quote from Cameron

Sal: The wedding is gonna be super cute, just us, a little dinner after. Oh, and it's next Friday.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: What, it's next Friday?
Sal: Yeah.
Cameron: How will we have time to do best man stuff? You know, like help you pick out your dress, get your flowers, get our hair blown out?
Mitchell: He's never been a best man before.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What's the matter with you? You don't do that in front of strangers. At least throw a blanket over.
Gloria: I am not ashamed.
Jay: Obviously. They're out all the time. In front of Manny, at the club, at Claire's dinner the other day. Phil almost ate a candle.

Quote from Sal

Cameron: We're just happy you're happy. And we're excited that we're gonna get to see so much more of you now.
Mitchell: Yes. We'll be couple friends. We'll go to movies.
Cameron: Take classes.
Mitchell: Oh, our game nights on Saturday, they're epic, yeah. Do you play Cranium?
Sal: Well, if I'm playing board games on a Saturday night, you can shoot me in my cranium. But I love you!

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I didn't hear a word they said. All I could think about was Daliya. Every drawing, every poem, every historical novel I wrote was for her. She was my muse. Toss in a body that doesn't quit, and I think we got a soul mate.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: So there's a lot of other things you can draw. You've got your landscapes. You've got your bowls of fruit. Trees.
Gloria: A barn. The ladies with the fruit on the head.
Jay: I said fruit.
Gloria: But you didn't say the ladies with the fruit on the head.
Jay: I'm trying to get him away from the ladies.
Gloria: Ah, good. Good. Good.

Quote from Luke

Luke: This is so stupid. What if I spill on her, or accidentally brush my boob against her hand? I mean her hand against my boob.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Oh, my God, Mom, I think I got it. I've been lugging this thing around for ten years.
Claire: Okay. Well, you sure you don't want us to stay and- and hear you play?
Alex: Mm, that's okay.
Haley: Yeah, I agreed to dinner, not tickets to the Electric Light Dorkestra.
Claire: Don't be so mean to your sister.
Alex: No, that's our band's name.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know what, Mitchell? Forgive me if my Missouri is showing, but what she is doing is not marriage. It's a mockery of marriage. It's mockerage. And I'm gonna stop it.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I can't help but think you're infusing the situation with just a touch of your own frustration.
Cameron: Why, because we've built a life together for the last ten years? Because we're raising a child? Or because I was the first person to think of doing an elaborately choreographed dance at our wedding, and now it's been done to death?
Mitchell: Makes you feel any better, I was never gonna do that.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Look, I know you're tired, but just think how good you're gonna feel tomorrow when you wake up and we have all new shelf paper!
Mitchell: I wish I didn't get what you are talking about, but I do. I just do.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey, who could be calling at this hour?
Mitchell: Oh. It's Sal.
Cameron: Nuh-uh.
Mitchell: No. Not answering that. Whatever earth-shattering drama she's going through can wait. [knock on door] Until she gets here. Oh, God. I hope we have vodka.
Cameron: We don't, Mitchell.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Why won't this open? Uh, something's wrong with that door. Okay, whatever. I have the most amazing news, and I'm super excited, but I won't be if you don't want me to be. Ready? I'm getting married!
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
Mitchell: Oh, wow!
Sal: I know!
Mitchell: Who's the guy?
Sal: Oh, the love of my life.
Cameron: Oh, so you finally bagged your boss?
Sal: Oh! Yes, but it's not him. And I don't work there anymore.

Quote from Sal

Cameron: Oh, my God, we're getting married!
Sal: We're getting married! Let's have a drink.
Mitchell: Yeah, we're out of vodka.
Sal: I will see you on Friday.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Fine. Next time, I will feed your baby inside a dark closet. I'm just saying pick your moments, huh? Like let Daliya open the door. That's why we hired her. Daliya?
Gloria: My mother raised six children while working at a construction job. She would be so ashamed if I had a nanny.
Jay: I don't see a lot of shame from your mom when she's cashing my checks every month.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Hey, can one of you guys drive me to my cello thing tonight?
Claire: Honey, I wish we'd known.
Phil: Yeah. We got a dinner thing with the Flendersons.
Alex: Okay, you don't have to stay, and those aren't even real people.
Phil: Sorry. I panicked. I got stuck between the Flemings and the Hendersons.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Oh, my God. Are those new boots?
Claire: Yes.
Haley: I love them. They're so cute!
Claire: They are?
Haley: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Danielle Gunston, first one in my class to get pregnant. You totally called it.
Claire: [to Phil] Did you hear that?
Phil: My money was on Denise Modick.
Claire: No. First she complimented my fashion sense, then she told me I did something right. Phil, I think it's happening.

Quote from Phil

Claire: You know what? I think I'm gonna ask her out to dinner tonight. Do you think she'll say yes?
Phil: If you want, I can pass her a note in study hall.

Quote from Jay

Art Teacher: First of all, I just want to say what a pleasure it is to have Manny in art class. He's talented-
Jay: Can we just skip to what he did wrong?
Gloria: Who said that he did something wrong?
Jay: Hit it.
Art Teacher: We do have an issue.
Jay: Told you.
Art Teacher: Manny seems to have quite a fascination with the female nude.
Gloria: So? He's a romantic.
Art Teacher: Well, this is all his art work over the last few weeks.
Jay: Holy moly.
Art Teacher: There were even more, but I think the janitor took some home.

Quote from Jay

Art Teacher: Look, I'm an artist. I'm free. I used to have an earring up here. But some of the other parents have complained. Well, the moms.
Gloria: He must have learned that at school. Because we have filters in the computer, and I have thrown out all of Jay magazines.
Jay: Don't know what she's talking about.
Gloria: There is no way that Manny has seen this sort of thing at our home. [looks down at her breasts]
Jay: We'll take it from here.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I knew it! What are you hiding?
Luke: Porn.
Phil: Don't lie to me!
Luke: Fine. I'm trying to send a message to a girl on Facebook, but she's so out of my league. Look at her.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Stop now. We can only screw it up from here.
Phil: Please. You're in the hands of the master. I think I know how to pick up a 14-year-old girl... For you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: "What's the haps tonight?" Boop.
Luke: "What's the haps tonight"? Nobody says that. "Going to the mall. Wanna meet?"
Phil: "Dinner at Rosa Grill in an hour?" Boom!
Luke: Kids don't eat dinner.
Phil: What do you mean, you don't eat dinner? What do you do?
Luke: I don't know. You just walk around and jump off stuff.
Phil: You can't invite a girl to jump off stuff.
Luke: Well, it's way better than-- "See ya then. X.O."
Phil: You're in, buddy.

Quote from Sal

Sal: Well, thank you, dimples.
Cameron: Oh, you better get that out of your system, 'cause in two hours, you're gonna be Mrs. Anthony Lombardo.
Mitchell: So does this Italian of yours cook?
Sal: In every room of the house, if you know what I mean! Ooh! We have a lot of sex.

Quote from Sal

Mitchell: Okay, now let's have a proper toast. To wild Sal. You gave it a good run, but like every legendary gunslinger, there comes a time when you need to holster your weapons and ride off into the sunset.
Cameron: But you took on every man who came to town.
Sal: I really did!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, nobody's as happy as I am about you loving the ladies. All I'm saying is, you gotta pull back a little.
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, this is all my fault. I am too free with my body. It was okay when you were a little boy, but-
Jay: Was it?

Quote from Luke

Simone: Hi, Luke.
Luke: Pretty good. Uh, I mean, hi, Simone. Uh, this is my dad. Dad, this is Luke.
Simone: You're funny.
Luke: Looking.
Phil: [lowered voice] Clutch.
Luke: What are you still doing here?

Quote from Sal

Sal: What the hell got into me?
Cameron: Besides the bartender's tongue?
Mitchell: Yes. Yes, well, that was a little inappropriate. But let's not overreact. It's perfectly natural to have a panic attack before making a big life decision.
Sal: What if it's the wrong decision? What if Tony's not the guy? What if he's the guy? Or him? He is cute. When did he come in?

Quote from Sal

Cameron: Okay, you need to focus, Sal. You are about to make a sacred, lifelong commitment.
Sal: Aah! You are not making this better! [phone rings] Oh, God, it's Tony. I'm supposed to pick him up and drive him to the wedding? [silence] Everybody shut up for a second! Okay, you know what? I'm gonna marry him. What's the worst that can happen? I get a divorce. People do it all the time. [phone rings again] Oh, you're suffocating me!

Quote from Claire

Haley: So you wanna go back to that vegan place?
Claire: Ooh. Leather jacket. Can't take the hate.

Quote from Phil

Valerie: So how is the big date going?
Phil: I don't know.
Valerie: Simone was so nervous. When they were chatting on the computer, I had to write everything for her.
Phil: That's so funny. I did the same thing for Luke.
Valerie: So the whole time we were talking to each other?
Phil: Wait, does that make this our date?
Valerie: Well, a good father, funny, handsome. A girl could do a lot worse.
Phil: [high-pitched laugh]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I think this is broken. We're gonna have to find another spot.
Jay: No, we'll be late for the movie. Are you sure you're doing it right?
Gloria: We both know I know how to use a credit card.

Quote from Jay

Jay: We gotta get home. Look. Manny's notebook. More drawings and a poem, "Ode to Daliya."
Gloria: So those were not my boobs? They were Daliya's boobs?
Jay: Yep. This is not a "Nude descending a staircase," this is a "Nude vacuuming a staircase."

Quote from Gloria

Haley: You shouldn't play with your food.
Claire: What are you doing here?
Haley: I knew you were upset I left, and I felt bad, so I came back.
Claire: You're here out of guilt?
Haley: I know. I'm growing up.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Why are you rolling your eyes at me? I'm doing a nice thing.
Claire: Because I want you to be here because you want to be here.
Haley: Okay, you're being really needy right now. Oh, my God. Are you going through the change?
Claire: Stop asking me that every time I express an emotion. And no, I am not. It's just so damn hot in here.

Quote from Phil

Valerie: Oh, my God, Phil, you are hilarious.
Phil: Yep. That's how I got my wife of 20 years. Could we get the check, please? Oh, I got this.
Valerie: Ooh, funny and generous. If my husband were more like you maybe I'd still be married.
Phil: Well, if my wife were here, she'd want me to be clear that I'm fully committed to her. You know that, right?
Valerie: What?
Phil: No, I just wanna make sure, because you unbuttoned a button, and I love my wife, so...
Valerie: You were the one who was flirting and saying we're on a date.
Phil: That was a joke, but I'm- I'm sorry if I misled you at all.
Valerie: Thank you.
Phil: But there was a lot of touching.
Valerie: I touched your shoulder for a second.
Phil: No, it was more of a stroke, like this... Okay. I'm so sorry for touching your hand with my boob. I mean my boob with your hand.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Okay, back away from the nanny.
Gloria: Oh, my God, it looks like a Madonna video in here!

Quote from Manny

Daliya: Go ahead, Manny.
Manny: I'm not saying we need to do anything right away. I'm just asking you to wait a few years.
Daliya: You are so sweet. Whoever ends up with you is the luckiest woman in the world.
Manny: That could be you.
Daliya: No. I am unlucky, because I was born too soon. And I can't have you wait around. Poets have to live. Besides, in a few years, you'll feel differently.
Manny: You're wrong. I'll feel this way for the rest of my life.

Quote from Sal

Minister: Marriage is a promise. It says to the world that you share a love and a commitment to each other that will only grow deeper as the years go by. Now have you two written vows?
Sal: Yeah, I'll go. Marriage terrifies me. Take Mitch and Cam. I used to think their life looked so boring. I could never do it. Pay bills? Wash dishes? Wake up to the same face every day? I felt sorry for them.
Mitchell: Where is this headed?
Sal: But they're not bored. It turns out when you're with the right person, you can change shelf paper at 10:00 at night in your pajamas and not wanna be anywhere else. That's how much they love each other.
Cameron: We sure do.
Sal: And when I just saw your face, I remembered that's how much I love you. Thanks for being here.
Cameron: We wouldn't be anywhere else, Sal.

Quote from Sal

Minister: And do you have anything prepared?
Sal: Hit me, baby.
Tony: I made out with a stripper last night. Sorry. I just wanna start this clean.
Sal: I made out with a bartender an hour ago.
Tony: You're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?
Sal: Back me up. Didn't I?
Mitchell: She totally did.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Alex, honey, amazing. Why didn't you tell us?
Alex: Oh, I-I don't know.
Haley: That was so good. If I didn't know you, I'd be all like, "that chick is cool."

Quote from Claire

Haley: Did she just apologize for us?
Claire: Yep.
Haley: But we were just being nice.
Claire: Sucks, doesn't it?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Luke, I'm sorry Simone's mom dragged her away so fast.
Luke: It's okay. I was running out of things to say.
Phil: Guess I kind of blew it for you, didn't I?
Luke: No. Now that her mom doesn't want her going out with me anymore, Simone wants me more than ever. I guess she's heading into a rebellious stage.
Phil: Best time to get 'em. Never be afraid to go after a girl who's out of your league. I did. That's how I got your mom.
Luke: Yeah, I always wondered how you pulled that one off.
Phil: She was in a rebellious stage, too. Yep, grandpa wasn't always as crazy about me as he is now.


 Episode 416 Episode 418