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33Quotes from ‘It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunphy’

Modern Family: It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunphy

905. It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunphy

Aired October 25, 2017

Phil and Claire want to go all out in celebrating Halloween, but it seems nobody else shares their enthusiasm. Mitchell and Cameron are frustrated by how long it's taking Jay to finish their kitchen, while Gloria and Joe are getting a little tired of their house guests.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I'm trying to get Wi-Fi so I can watch the pumpkin weigh-in at the Halloween festival back home. You know, 25 years ago, I raised the largest Wichita Thumper, and the record still stands. I am so sorry. There's no way to say that that doesn't sound braggy.
Gloria: No, no, you just did fine.
Cameron: You know, as with every pumpkin, there's a story. It was a cold, bitter night, when tap-tap-tap on the window. Darn if it wasn't the vine of my pumpkin, just out there trembling away.
Gloria: That is a great story.
Cameron: Next thing I know, Daddy's pulling the pumpkin through the window, careful, of course, not to break the vine. And for months, it just became a part of our household. People stepping over it to get into the kitchen, blocked half the TV. We thought "The Brady Bunch" was just about three lovely girls. [chuckles] Oh, but nobody complained. Sure, I won Grand Champion, you know, and the right to name the next tornado. But the thing I remember most are the sacrifices [voice breaking] my family made for just me. That's how we do family where I'm from.
Gloria: [inhales sharply] That's how we do family where I am from!

Quote from Jay

Jay: You got to remember, this was the '60s. Competition in the closet game was fierce, everybody chasing after the next big storage idea. Historians remember this period as the "space race."

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Cam, I'm sure that there were better ways for me to say what I said. You're packing my face creams.
Cameron: No need to apologize. I know I crossed boundaries. It's how I grew up. Nobody had secrets from anybody. At high-school parties, we just played Dare.
Gloria: I know the feeling. I grew up in a small town myself. We had to bring in a stranger so that the children could learn who not to talk to.
Cameron: You know, I have to say, sometimes your hometown stories sound a little made-up.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, you know? Y- Y- Yes! You're fired! Okay? You're an incompetent man-diva. The only thing you've ever built is a closet, i.e. a box of air. So get out, and don't let the door hit you on your ample behind.
Jay: Nicely done. Maybe an unnecessary shot at closets, particularly from someone who was in one for 22 years, but...

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Oh, why do I feel so energized?
Jay: Because you honored your primal male instinct to build. Yeah. Where once lay barren fields, because of men like us, now gleaming cities stand. And what is a city, but...
Mitchell: A closet for civilization.
Jay: This is the proudest damn moment of my life.

Quote from Phil

Claire: It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating. There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween.
Phil: How about pumpkin-boat racing? Cam used to do it in Missouri. Take a giant pumpkin, cut the top off, gut it, hop in, sail away. Let's do it. I'm so married to this idea, it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public. [high fives Luke]

Quote from Phil

Phil: I see what's going on here.
Luke: Thank God.
Phil: I haven't communicated how big this pumpkin's gonna be. You guys know Clifford... the Big Red Dog?

Quote from Joe

Gloria: [aside to camera] Two weeks ago, we invited Mitch and Cam to stay here.
Joe: You invited them.
Gloria: [sighs] It's been hard on us, but it's part of our Colombian heritage...
Joe: Your heritage.
Gloria: ...to welcome family and to never kick them out, even when they might have some boundary issues.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I didn't have a date with a guy, but rather a date with Destiny. Destiny was the name of the casting director I was auditioning for. I saw an ad for backup singers on a cruise ship, and I knew it was fate. I have a killer voice, I love karaoke, and I'm great at partying on boats.

Quote from Haley

Woman: Haley Dunphy?
Haley: Ahoy! I speak "ship." Bon voyage, mateys.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I crushed it. I even crushed the modesty after. "No, thank you for the chance to sing."

Quote from Jay

Jay: You guys want to take it outside? I need a couple minutes with El Rojo. [to Mitchell] Rojo means "red."
Mitchell: Yeah. I put things together quickly, unlike your workers, which is, uh, why I'm here. Um, Dad, if this is too much for you...
Jay: Now, wait a second. You're not here to fire me, are you?
Mitchell: What? No. Pfft! That's a strong word.
Jay: I've done enough axing in my time to recognize the look. Just do it.
Mitchell: See, now, I was... I was hoping this would be more of a conversation.
Jay: Never been much for confrontation. You weren't engaged to a woman six months in law school because you were good at dropping the hammer. Didn't you guys get a cat together?

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: I only got one more thing to do. I've got to seal glass in the door and hang it. Now, you want to go with the stain or the clear pane Cam picked?
Mitchell: Hmm. You know what? I- I bought this at a flea market. They're not sure of the origin. It either came from a th-century Flemish cathedral that collapsed in an earthquake or a high-school production of "Nunsense."

Quote from Phil

Carol: I just found out my kids did this to your yard, and we are so sorry.
Phil: Don't be. It's Halloween. It's one of the four biggest prank days of the year. It's this, April Fools' Day, and the day before April Fools' Day, 'cause no one sees it coming.
Carol: What's the fourth?
Phil: Nice try, Carol. The point is, you're gonna wake up one morning and find out that your kids don't TP anymore. Cherish these days with your adorable little vandals.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, hey, Gloria.
Gloria: [gasps, screams]
Cameron: I finally found a great spot for the Wi-Fi just in time for the pumpkin weigh-in.
Gloria: You sit here while I take a bath?!
Cameron: I'm gay? Hello? I'm more fixated on that fabulous robe. I am so borrowing that for my next bath. You didn't drain the water yet, did you?

Quote from Phil

Carol: [on gate] Who is it?
Phil: Special delivery from UPS.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: United Prank Service. I went to the history books for this one, all the way back to the first practical joke... the Trojan Horse. Only I swapped out silly string for broad swords and laughter for murder.

Quote from Phil

Phil: There's no sense in hiding it. I did buy a giant pumpkin.
Claire: I puzzled that one out.
Phil: You're right. I'm a Halloween-obsessed child-man.
Claire: Do you want to feel better? I took zombies to work, okay? And it died so hard. Oh, my God, to be pitied by Margaret.
Phil: I guess the kids are right. [sighs] It's time for us to start acting like adults. We can have dinner parties, see plays, open IRAs.
Claire: We have IRAs, right?
Phil: Rude awakening, Claire. You think you're the fun-loving dad, putting smiles on faces, keeping childhood alive. Turns out you're just the weird guy barreling down a driveway in a pumpkin-tank.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [to Alex] Look at you, dressed like a girl. Why the change? Did the roller-derby team try to recruit you again?

Quote from Alex

Claire: Aaaaaahhh!
Phil: Whoa! [laughs] Got me!
Haley: Worth it?
Claire: Oh, what, you're too old for a little scare?
Alex: The scariest thing is you could be a cheap pick-up line, two beers, and nine months away from being a grandparent, and you just risked asphyxiation in the fridge.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, well, well. You city folk sure are late risers. I guess your rooster has a snooze button.
Gloria: [chuckles] It's funny how you say the exact, same thing every morning.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Since our contractor took a break from rehabbing kitchens to rehab a gambling problem...
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Jay took over, and we've been staying here.
Mitchell: It's been a lot of Dad, but it... it just became too impractical to continue living at home.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's been hard on us, living without a kitchen. It's been, uh, six weeks now since it burned down.
Cameron: Since you burned it down.
Mitchell: Since I burned it down.
Cameron: And then maliciously made me think I did it and leveraged my guilt for your own selfish gain.
Mitchell: Then maliciously made you think that you did it, and leveraged...
Cameron: Honey, you got to stop beating yourself up.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: I was going to make Joe's oatmeal. Do you really have to use all five burners?
Cameron: Well, it is called Five Burner Meat Pie, and it's the traditional dish back at the Halloween festival, so it kinda makes me feel like I'm there.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm heading back to the job site. Gonna let the guys knock off for a little liqu-or-treating.
Cameron: Well, that is how you manage... to stretch a job until Christmas. Okay, you need to go over there, find out how long this is gonna take. I want my kitchen back.
Mitchell: Okay, uh, Dad? W- We appreciate all your hard work, but we're running a little past schedule.
Jay: The job is done when the job is done. You want it faster, next time, burn down a bookshelf.

Quote from Joe

Joe: My breakfast is a LUNA Bar for women. Do something.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, okay. This is why everyone hates college graduates. I will walk out that door, but at least show me enough respect to admit that this decision had nothing to do with talent. Because everyone knows that I was the best.
Woman: Well, that took a lot of guts. Come with me. Let's take a second look at your audition.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Uh, Dad? Uh, I would like to see the kitchen.
Jay: I'd like to think that drinking beer makes my hair grow back, but life ain't fair.

Quote from Phil

Carol: Well, I appreciate the understanding, but I'm trying to teach them a lesson.
Phil: Oh, I'm gonna teach them a lesson, 'cause it's payback time. Pranks wars have begun. [kids cheer]
Phil: Yes! [laughs]
Carol: Okay, kids. I think Mr. Dunphy has better things to do than spend his day in a prank war with you.
Phil: Good news, boys. I don't.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: You saw that, didn't you?
Joe: [dressed as God] I see everything.

Quote from Mitchell

Fireman: Mr. Pritchett, this is the second time in two months. We love that you're a fan, but maybe you should just buy a calendar.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm sorry, Mitch. I feel really bad.
Mitchell: Do you think maybe you could tell Cam?
Jay: Oh, I don't work here anymore.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, I command you to stop speaking like that.
Phil: Please let me have my feelings for one second.
Claire: No, come on, turn around. Seriously. It's good.
Phil: Wonder Woman?
Claire: Yes! And I have plans for you! Who cares what anybody thinks? Screw the kids. Screw everybody at work. We'll give up Halloween when we are good and ready.
Boy: Who are you guys supposed to be?
Claire: Who your parents wish they were.

Quote from Alex

Alex: You suck! To think I wasted so much time on such a weepy, clingy, Pez-eating snore! I can't believe I sat there and pretended to be a doll as you brushed my hair! You are almost the worst boyfriend I have ever had!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [v.o.] As families get older, you have two options: you can force everyone together, or you can accept that traditions die and people move on. Unless you happen to have a giant pumpkin.

Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, here's what happened. Right after you sent the text saying the kitchen was done, the inspector popped in for a little surprise visit, nails us with four violations, which pushes us back for a couple of weeks now. Blame me. I can take the hit from Cam. You stay with Claire 'cause I can't take the hit from Gloria.
Mitchell: Right.
Jay: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Not a word. I do all the talking. Because you're a terrible liar.
Cameron: Hey. There you are. Good day?
Mitchell: Mm-hmm.
Cameron: Mm-hmm? What... what's that supposed to mean? You only say that when you're guilty. [sniffs] You smell like smoke. Oh, my God, did you burn the kitchen down again?
Jay: It's like you don't want me to help you!


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