Manny: Oh, what a B-U-tiful morning. I joke because I've been accepted to B.U.
Gloria: Oh, Manny, I'm so proud of you!
Manny: I'm six for six. So many suitors, not sure which to choose from. I feel like Lady Mary in the last season of "Downton Abbey."
Jay: I'd avoid the big football schools.

Gloria: This is so slow!
Jay: If you're on the Pritchett's Closets website, we're aware of the slowdown. It's either a hack by the Chinese or that Chinese hack I hired to fix the website.

Jay: [aside to camera] I miss the days when people stood in actual lines. If you weren't willing to stand in the rain, you didn't get to see Gary Puckett & the Union Gap.

Dean Hinden: [phone rings] Oh, hey, Phil, where were Nationals senior year? Cleveland, Oh... [answers phone] Hi-o!
Phil: [hushed] Can you imagine putting up with this for years on end?
Claire: It's hard.

Cameron: Carlos, Carlos. Hey... hey, Carlos. Um, this, uh, Cameron Tucker. I don't know if you remember me or not. Oh, you... you do. Okay, hi. Yeah, wondering if I could get a couple tickets for the show tonight. Gloria Estefan. Because you're in the Miami Sound Machine, silly. What?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was loud in the bar the night I met Carlos, and it turns out he is not a member of the legendary band, the Miami Sound Machine. He owns a mobile dog grooming business called Miami's Hound Machine. In retrospect, I didn't need to be as alarmed with his collection of leashes and collars.

Haley: Wait, Officer... no! My car is only here because I was being responsible! I was babysitting my uncle Joe and got too drunk to drive home! ... What is this thing?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: The Barnacle. They stick it on your car when you have unpaid parking tickets. I couldn't let my parents see it, because I knew they'd just overreact and lecture me about being irresponsible, and I couldn't pay to remove it because I just maxed out my credit card on these insanely expensive pair of sunglasses. I don't love 'em.

Manny: Wow. I just got super accepted to Michigan.
Gloria: He's the second Delgado to go to college. My cousin went to the best medical school in Colombia. They would not just accept any cadaver.

Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: I'm driving up there to tell them they made a mistake. They'd be lucky to have a kid like Luke.
Claire: Well, I guess it... it can't hurt. I mean, it's not like they can super reject him. Although, Michigan did use that exact term.

Luke: "Welcome to Arizona State"...
Claire: It's happening!
Haley: Oh, my God!
Luke: "Welcome to Arizona State's admissions portal." [Claire sighs] "We regret to inform you"...
Phil: Aww, pal...
Claire: [groans]
Haley: Well, don't leave us in suspense. What did they say?

Cameron: Hey, I just peeked in on Lily, and guess who she was curled up with on her bed?
Mitchell: If it's not the cat, I'm gonna be really upset about how you're teasing this out.
Cameron: I love that she has a pet that she's close to like I was with my pet pig Lily.
Mitchell: Still no guilt, I see, after tricking me into naming our daughter after bacon.
Cameron: I was very close to that pig. For heaven's sakes, I still have her ashes in the garage.
Mitchell: True.