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42Quotes from ‘Pig Moon Rising’

Modern Family: Pig Moon Rising

817. Pig Moon Rising

Aired March 15, 2017

The extended family gets caught in a web of lies after Mitchell accidentally knocks over an urn filled with the ashes of Cameron's beloved pet pig, Lily. Meanwhile, Luke waits for the news of whether he's been admitted to Phil's alma mata, while Gloria is starting to get upset at the prospect of Manny leaving for college.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Oh, what a B-U-tiful morning. I joke because I've been accepted to B.U.
Gloria: Oh, Manny, I'm so proud of you!
Manny: I'm six for six. So many suitors, not sure which to choose from. I feel like Lady Mary in the last season of "Downton Abbey."
Jay: I'd avoid the big football schools.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: This is so slow!
Jay: If you're on the Pritchett's Closets website, we're aware of the slowdown. It's either a hack by the Chinese or that Chinese hack I hired to fix the website.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I miss the days when people stood in actual lines. If you weren't willing to stand in the rain, you didn't get to see Gary Puckett & the Union Gap.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Carlos, Carlos. Hey... hey, Carlos. Um, this, uh, Cameron Tucker. I don't know if you remember me or not. Oh, you... you do. Okay, hi. Yeah, wondering if I could get a couple tickets for the show tonight. Gloria Estefan. Because you're in the Miami Sound Machine, silly. What?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was loud in the bar the night I met Carlos, and it turns out he is not a member of the legendary band, the Miami Sound Machine. He owns a mobile dog grooming business called Miami's Hound Machine. In retrospect, I didn't need to be as alarmed with his collection of leashes and collars.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Wait, Officer... no! My car is only here because I was being responsible! I was babysitting my uncle Joe and got too drunk to drive home! ... What is this thing?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: The Barnacle. They stick it on your car when you have unpaid parking tickets. I couldn't let my parents see it, because I knew they'd just overreact and lecture me about being irresponsible, and I couldn't pay to remove it because I just maxed out my credit card on these insanely expensive pair of sunglasses. I don't love 'em.

Quote from Phil

Dean Hinden: [phone rings] Oh, hey, Phil, where were Nationals senior year? Cleveland, Oh... [answers phone] Hi-o!
Phil: [hushed] Can you imagine putting up with this for years on end?
Claire: It's hard.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: I'm driving up there to tell them they made a mistake. They'd be lucky to have a kid like Luke.
Claire: Well, I guess it... it can't hurt. I mean, it's not like they can super reject him. Although, Michigan did use that exact term.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Wow. I just got super accepted to Michigan.
Gloria: He's the second Delgado to go to college. My cousin went to the best medical school in Colombia. They would not just accept any cadaver.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, this is a real Vanderkoff.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah. It feels good to finally be free of that secret.
Cameron: Yeah, it's just great to have everything out in the open.
Mitchell: Yeah. That expensive painting you bought me over there, I moved it to cover up a hole I made in the wall.
Cameron: I only paid 25 cents for that painting at a garage sale, and I used the rest of the money on shoes.
Mitchell: I get electrolysis. My beard grows up to here.
Cameron: I don't really know how to line dance, and that's why those cowboys laughed at you when you did what I taught you. [cat meows]
Both: That's not Larry.

Quote from Haley

Luke: "Welcome to Arizona State"...
Claire: It's happening!
Haley: Oh, my God!
Luke: "Welcome to Arizona State's admissions portal." [Claire sighs] "We regret to inform you"...
Phil: Aww, pal...
Claire: [groans]
Haley: Well, don't leave us in suspense. What did they say?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, I just peeked in on Lily, and guess who she was curled up with on her bed?
Mitchell: If it's not the cat, I'm gonna be really upset about how you're teasing this out.
Cameron: I love that she has a pet that she's close to like I was with my pet pig Lily.
Mitchell: Still no guilt, I see, after tricking me into naming our daughter after bacon.
Cameron: I was very close to that pig. For heaven's sakes, I still have her ashes in the garage.
Mitchell: True.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, I was thinking tonight maybe we could bury the ashes in the back yard after we get back from your dad's. It's a perfect night to pay tribute.
Mitchell: W-why?
Cameron: The Pig Moon.
Mitchell: I'm sorry? One more time.
Cameron: The Pig Moon. Every years, the moon takes on a pink hue, and it aligns with Orion. It's a huge deal back home. There's a festival, they empty out all the jails as a sign of goodwill.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: So, we're having, like, a ceremony tonight?
Cameron: Yes, sweetie.
Lily: But don't we have Grandpa's?
Mitchell: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Cameron: Well, you know what? We're always looking for a credible reason to leave early.
Mitchell: So, what are we supposed to say? "No. No dessert for us. We got to get home. We got to bury the 25 year-old ashes of a Brunswick King sow."
Cameron: Wow. Nice attitude. It's almost like you want Pig Moon John to fill your hunting boot with coal.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Joe, this is exactly why we're not giving you a knife until you turn six years old.

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I know when a female's about to burst into tears. I've seen it enough times. I had to keep my mom away from anything that reminded her I was moving away and keep myself away from Williams Sonoma. I could lose an afternoon.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, this is from my eighth birthday. I made Mom throw a party with a whole farm theme. You know what? I need this. Cam thinks I look down on his farm life. This'll prove to him that...
Jay: Bup, bup, bup. This comes with a price. You can get me Gloria Estefan tickets, right?
Mitchell: Dad, that is offensive. Not every gay person is connected to Gloria Estefan.
Jay: But you are, right?
Mitchell: [inhales sharply] It's complicated.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam briefly dated a member of Gloria Estefan's band, The Miami Sound Machine. He doesn't talk about it much. Just whenever someone mentions her or Miami. Or humidity.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh! Great trampoline.
Dean Hinden: Thanks. I like to bounce at least minutes a day. It's where I get my best ideas.
Phil: How quirky.

Quote from Manny

Manny: What do you think? I was going for dark and mysterious, but I'm afraid I circled right back to cute and approachable.
Gloria: Oh, she's so lucky. He's always gonna be her little boy.
Manny: Mom, you're projecting on these mannequins. For all we know, he's a little person, and that's his wife who's evolved enough to see how big he is on the inside.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: You lied to me.
Jay: Well, look around! Everybody's lying. Forging paintings, driving blind, swapping ashes.
Mitchell: I didn't want to ruin the Pig Moon.
Cameron: There is no Pig Moon. How backwards do you think Grasshopper, Missouri is?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Guys, guys. I've got this. Guys. I talked to Judge Tager. He'll make your parking tickets disappear in return for a couple of Cubans.
Jay: You took three.
Luke: The other one is for the security guard at the club. He moonlights where Estefan's playing tonight. He'll meet you by the stage door.
Gloria: Thank you for fixing Jay's lies.
Luke: We all struggle with the truth. Like last Thursday when I stalled Jay at the club so you could get Joe out of the doggy door.
Joe: She locked us out, and the stove was on.
Luke: And you two.
Cameron: You know a guy at a club that can help us?
Luke: No. Just talk more. 90% of your problems would be solved if you just discussed things.
Cameron: The Vanderkoff is a knock-off.
Mitchell: I burnt a hole in the knock-off, and I had replaced it with a real one.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, buddy.
Luke: Nothing! [closes laptop] Sorry. Habit. I'm not actually doing anything wrong. Just checking to see if I got into A.S.U.
Phil: Without us?! Guys, get in here! It's happening!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: [aside to camera] Phil saw videos online of families celebrating the moment their kid got into college.
Phil: For pure drama, you can't beat that thing when an entire family's nervous anticipation turns into an explosion of utter joy.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Okay, give it back to me.
Jay: No need. I got 'em.
Gloria: Oh, really? And you paid?
Jay: Yeah, you got your browser filling out your credit card info. It's not super secure, but, whoever steals them will probably spend less than you.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: And tonight we're going to celebrate. We're going to a concert. I got the tickets online.
Jay: Easier than buying them at the venue, I guess. What is the venue, uh, by the way?
Gloria: You can't buy them at the door. It's a private concert. It's just for the fan club. I remember our first Gloria Estefan concert. You were so little, sitting on my shoulders, holding the lighter.
Manny: I'm gonna leave.
Gloria: Yes, before I know it.
Manny: No, right now. I obviously need something to wear tonight.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hello, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh, God! [gasps, coughs]
Cameron: Is everything okay? You're looking a little ashen.
Mitchell: I'm fine. I-I... I accidentally spilled pig Lily's ashes, and I... I thought that I would...
Cameron: You would just replace them with Morris Pasternak's?
Mitchell: How'd you know?
Cameron: His class ring is by your foot.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah.
Cameron: That pig was my best friend.
Mitchell: Didn't you eat her mother?

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Dad, I was thinking about the Pig Moon funeral tonight and how important Lily was to you.
Cameron: Aww, that is so sweet. You definitely inherited her compassion.
Lily: Remember that finger painting that I made of her, the one that you said that was museum quality? Can we bury it with her?
Cameron: I know exactly where it is.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I know exactly where it was.

Quote from Phil

Phil: It's an e-mail for Luke from my alma mater. Let's get him!
Claire: Oh, no, no! No, what if it's more bad news? Maybe you should read it first.
Phil: Claire, I am as anxious as you are to find out if he's gonna be a Bulldog like his old man, but we can't violate his trust. Sure, we could mark it as unread to cover our tracks, but we'd know...
Claire: He didn't get in.
Phil: What?! He's a legacy! Bulldog drool courses through his jowls!

Quote from Jay

Diego: [on the radio] You're on Caliente with Diego and The Donkey.
Jay: Hello! Yes! I'm calling about the Gloria Estefan tickets.
Diego: And they're all yours if you can complete this lyric... "Turn the blank around." One of her biggest hits from the '80s. We've been playing it all morning.
Jay: "Turn the car around."
Diego: Nope. Two more guesses.
Jay: "Turn the boat around."
Diego: [imitates buzzer] Try again.
Jay: "Turn the economy around"!
Diego: [trombone plays] You're an ass.
Jay: [donkey brays] Damn it!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I just had to re-create Lily's painting of Pig Lily, and she'd be none the wiser.
[flashback:] Cameron: Oh, it's like painting with sausages.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on the phone] Sorry, Cam, no pig painting by Lily here. I do have some random scribbles that Luke made when he was... Huh, that's a little later than I'd hoped.
Cameron: Fine. Not a word of this to Mitchell. I'm sure you're curious why.
Jay: Wrong again.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Ooh! A scrapbook! Aww, look at this. All of our old school projects or paintings by me and Claire. Aww! You're just a big softie, aren't 'cha?
Jay: My lawyer's secretary put that together for my image at the divorce trial.
Mitchell: There's the old bear. Grr!

Quote from Claire

Phil: Can't believe you didn't treat yourself to a Bulldog Blast.
Claire: Isn't that basically just sugar, ice, and the stuff they you use to cover the Blue Man Group?

Quote from Phil

Phil: We're here to see the Dean of Admissions. We called. We're the Dunphys.
Receptionist: Ah. I'll tell Dean Hinden you're here.
Phil: Um, eh... Hinden?
Receptionist: Yes. Dean Rudolf Hinden.
Phil: I have a bad feeling.
Claire: Well, honey, you did just have two of those antifreezes.
Phil: No. Rudy Hinden, we were classmates. Super annoying, always "on." We cheered together, we... we tumbled together, we rolled around together, we were never close.

Quote from Phil

Dean Hinden: While you're here, I've always wanted to ask you something. You remember that magic trick you used to do where you got out of a straitjacket blindfolded?
Phil: Barnum's Humbug.
Dean Hinden: Yeah. That one. How'd you do it?
Phil: Magic. I-I feel like...
Dean Hinden: No, no, no, really... I've been trying to figure it out for years.
Phil: Um, I'm sorry. It's... It's not customary for a magician to reveal his secrets.
Dean Hinden: It's also not "customary" for a dean of admissions to alter an applicant's status, so... I'll go get the straitjacket from the nurse.
Claire: You're gonna do it, right?
Phil: I don't know. Let me bounce on it.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, you can't possibly be struggling with this decision.
Phil: Do you know what happens to magicians who reveal their secrets, Claire? They're shunned.
Claire: Doesn't that happen already?
Phil: Listen, I possess knowledge passed down from the ancient Egyptian conjurers to the prestidigitators of the Dark Ages to the amateur illusionists of today.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil. Honey, you don't have to do this. Luke can join the army.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Imagine yourself in a museum filled with the world's oddities.
Dean Hinden: No, no, no, no. Slow down. Enjoy it. And turn around... so I can get a good look at the back. Let me see the back.
Phil: Behold the freak... for all to see.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: Go get my tickets.
Haley: Is my hair a mess? It's so humid out.
Cameron: You want to talk about humidity? I once spent a steamy weekend with a certain member of the Miami Sound Machine.
Haley: [chuckles] That's crazy! Do you know that they're in town tonight?
Cameron: What?
Haley: Can you get me two tickets?
Cameron: Oh, my God. These hands... they're so small and delicate like a child.
Haley: I know. This watch came from an American Girl doll.
Haley: Are you gonna hook me up or what?
Cameron: Yes, yes. Just as soon as you and your tiny little hands re-create a painting for me. This way.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, I know what you've been trying to do the whole day. I am not about to have a breakdown because you're going to college.
Manny: I was awake last night when you were brushing my hair.
Gloria: Okay, yes, it's going to be hard because you're gonna be far away, so I'm not gonna get to see you all the time.
Manny: But we'll still talk on the phone.
Gloria: Yeah, at the beginning, but then you're gonna get busy, and then I am going to get busy.
Manny: Too busy to take my calls?
Gloria: I have made peace with it. Your childhood days are over.

Quote from Manny

Justina: Guillermo, come back here!
Manny: What are you doing? Don't run away from your mother. Life is going to tear you apart soon enough.
Guillermo: I want to go on the merry-go-round.
Manny: Oh, you're on it. You've got ten years left with that woman. Cherish them. Cherish her.
Justina: Thanks?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Now get me those Gloria Esteban tickets.
Cameron: It's Estefan.
Haley: That's what I said. I'm a huge fan.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Wait, this doesn't make any sense. I got rejected by worse schools than this.Why would they want me?
Claire: Why wouldn't they want you? Honey, it's not all about grades. I mean, you were involved in... in... Yay! [all cheer]
Luke: Did you talk to them?
Phil: I'm sorry, what?
Luke: [laptop slams] Show me your tongue.
Phil: I don't know what that would prove.
Cameron: This kind of seems like an embarrassing family moment.
Mitchell: I'm on it.
Luke: Blue! You can't go to that campus without getting a Bulldog Blast.

Quote from Jay

Lily: Why is your finger pink? This isn't mine. I knew the perspective was off.
Haley: It's Cam's fault. He made me copy it from a photo.
Cameron: You know what? I accidentally destroyed the original, and I couldn't live without it.
Mitchell: Mitchell Pritchett, Parenting Magazine. How is forging a child's painting any less egregious than replacing a pig's ashes with Mrs. Pasternak's dead husband?
Cameron: It's not. I'm a hypocrite. My whole life is a lie. Carlos isn't really in the Miami Sound Machine. He's just a... a basic dog groomer. [to Haley] Save your money. I couldn't get you your tickets.
Claire: You're spending money on tickets when you should be spending money on ticket... you know what I mean.
Haley: The concert tickets were for Mitchell.
Jay: So you didn't get my tickets?
Mitchell: No.
Gloria: So you didn't get my tickets.
Jay: The website was insane. You'd need the reflexes of a mongoose.


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