TV Quotes

Will: Hey, you know what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, it ain't like I'm still 5 years old, you know. It ain't like I'm going to be sitting up every night asking my mom: "When's Daddy coming home?" You know, who needs him? He wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive. I learned how to shave. I learned how to fight without him. I had 14 great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a damn card. To hell with him! I didn't need him then and I don't need him now.
Philip: Will-
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him. I'm gonna get a great job without him. I'm going to marry me a beautiful honey, and I'm gonna have me a whole bunch of kids and I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, because there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids. How come he don't want me, man?

Vivian: Look, there he goes.
Trevor: [on TV] Hilary Banks...
Hilary: Yes, Trevor?
Trevor: [on TV] Will you marry me? [thud]
[As the TV picture turns to static, the family are stunned into silence]
Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothing... But I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.
[A title card appears on the TV]
Hilary: "Please stand by"? Great. The president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Carlton: Where am I? Last thing I remember, I was doing the running man to I Will Always Love You.
Will: Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: Wow, I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful.
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news.
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned.
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact.
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: It was speed.
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict and a virgin!

Kayla: Your mama's so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.
Will: Okay. Well, you know what? Your mama's so dumb she went to the movies. It said, "Under 17 not admitted" so she went and got 16 of her friends.
Kayla: I shouldn't be talking about your mama. I feel sorry for your mama having such an ugly child.
Will: Say what?
Kayla: You're so ugly, she tied a pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with you.
Will: Well- Well, you so ugly your mama had to feed you with a slingshot.
Kayla: You so ugly, that ain't a fade on your head that's your hair running away from your face.
Will: You know what, you so ugly... No, you know what, this is a good one. You are so ugly that if you... [stammers] Damn, baby. You so fine. [they hug] I would kiss you but I just had a chilidog.

Philip: I don't get it, Will. Why the job?
Will: I just wanted to pay for the homecoming myself.
Philip: But I gave you a check.
Will: I tore it up.
Philip: Why?
Will: 'Cause you were right, Uncle Phil. Man, I'm getting soft. I'm a man, and a man should be able to stand on his own two feet, make his own way, like you did. I mean, a man does it for himself. I mean, it's a hard road to travel, but after you travel it and you look back on what you accomplished, you can say, "l did that. I'm a man."
Philip: That's the biggest load of bull I've heard since I left the farm. Nobody does anything without help, Will. People opened doors for me, and I've worked hard to open doors for you. It doesn't make you any less of a man to walk through them.

Philip: What the hell is going on?
Will: Look, um, Uncle Phil, this is not really your concern. You know, it's about me, it's not about you. So don't even worry about it, all right?
Philip: How can you say that? We are leaving town in a day and you don't have a place to live. Why did you lie?
Will: I mean, we sitting around the table and everybody talking about all these great lives and these new things they're doing. I didn't want you to say: "Hey, there's my nephew. Yeah, he's still living in my pool house." I mean, I didn't want you to think that all these years that I've been out here just ain't worth nothing. You know, that you just been wasting your time with me. Look, Uncle Phil, I just don't want you to think that I'm that same stupid kid I was when I first moved out here.
Philip: How could you possibly believe that that's what I'd be thinking? Look at you. You're moving out on your own. You're gonna finish college in a year. You're becoming a man. A man I'm damn proud of.
Will: I just didn't want your last memory of me to be no better than the first one.
Philip: You have no idea what my first memory of you is. I remember a kid loaded with all the potential in the world. And now I see a person on the verge of realizing that potential. Come on, let's go get you an apartment.
Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, um what you mean by verge?
Philip: Don't push your luck.