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44Quotes from ‘Marco Polo’

Modern Family: Marco Polo

604. Marco Polo

Aired October 15, 2014

While their house is treated for mold, the Dunphy family move into a cramped motel room. Meanwhile, Gloria is worried when Manny starts dating an older, popular girl, and Mitchell is fed up of Cameron's superstitious behavior as he tries to hold onto the team's winning streak.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Let's see what we've got here. Eggplant jelly? What do they send if they don't like you?
Cameron: "Go, Coach, go Dolphins!"
Mitchell: I don't know. It seems a little "go" heavy.
Lily: Pink salt? What is wrong with people?

Quote from Haley

Claire: Haley, I need the Wi-Fi corner. Get down.
Haley: Ugh, I need Instagram to know there's still beauty in the world!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Look what I got from the vending machine in the lobby, a Charleston chew. Remember these?
Haley: Can someone please tell the Nigerian family to shut their dogs up?!
Phil: Check it out! According to this wrapper, we can win tickets to the 2005 All-Star game!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Son of a gun. Ray Chapman just died.
Gloria: I know! He used to give me the best bonings.
Jay: You're thinking of our butcher, Ray Eastman. I hope. No, Chapman was a Navy buddy. I always meant to write to him.
Gloria: Oh, Jay, that's so sad.
Jay: I hated his guts. It's like they say, you cannot put these things off.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You've been sawing at that chicken fried steak for 10 minutes. Just order something else.
Cameron: Mitchell, it's game day. I can't. It's my lucky meal. Oh, God. Here we go.
Mitchell: Well, that's attractive. You look like a puppy with a slipper.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Under my leadership, the varsity football team is now 5-0 -- new school record, very exciting.
Mitchell: Cam, I can smell your hat from over here. Can I please just pop it in the laundry?
Cameron: And wash the luck off? I've worn it to every game. See, he knows nothing about sports. That's why I've given him a pass. He doesn't have to go to games.
Mitchell: Although, I- I do- I hear it's fun. Three hours on a splintery plank with parents squealing with delight as their children maim each other.
Cameron: He'd know if he came. The seats are aluminum now.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Ugh. What's that?
Luke: It's a body spray called sex grenade. One of the divorced dads in the hotel recommended it.
Haley: That smell is driving me crazy.
Luke: Then it's working.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I forgot them on the day of our first win, and it's worked ever since. Now scooch to the left.
Mitchell: I'm not letting you do the coffee-table thing again.
Cameron: Mitchell, superstitions are a big part of sports.
Mitchell: And witchcraft and cults and voodoo, but-
Cameron: Hey, look, you know what? I'm not asking you to like football, but I like football. Football was everything to me growing up. I was just a big, gay farm kid until I joined the football team and I finally fit in. Now, I don't expect you to like it. I don't expect you to come to the games. But I do expect you to be 5% less condescending. Now scooch.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: It's too much - the car keys, the coffee table, your roller skate on the front porch. I-is there any chocolate in any of these?
Lily: You'll have to scrape it off this sun-dried tomato.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I suppose on some level, it's possible that he might have a point. I hate sports. I do. But if you had my dad and my upbringing I mean, have you ever been picked last for a team, Lily?
Lily: Well, at gym the other day, these mean girls-
Mitchell: I mean, you have no idea, Lily, the bullying and the teasing.
Lily: They put me in the ball bag.
Mitchell: If I am a little dismissive, it's only because of my harrowing backstory.
Lily: They said if I told, they would kill you and daddy.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. I've- I've been making this all about myself. I haven't even been thinking about Cam.

Quote from Lily

Lily: This is crazy. Yes, this is crazy.
Mitchell: Who cares if I like football? Daddy likes football, and I like daddy, so... I need to tell him. I need to tell him I'm gonna be more supportive, and I need to- Oh, honey, are you calling him for me?
Lily: [on the phone, holding the card from a gift basket] Yes, I have a complaint. Can I please talk to Harry or David?

Quote from Manny

Jay: What's that smell?
Manny: I believe you're referring to my bold new scent, "Sex Gre-nod."

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Is that for Sam, your friend that is a girl, but has the name of a boy?
Manny: I knew you were spying on me last night. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Let me save you some snooping. She's smart. She's pretty. She's a senior. She's our High School's "it" girl, and "it" dumped the captain of the basketball team for me.
Gloria: So, you're only 15, and you go out with the senior.
Manny: Are you sure you want to play that game?
Jay: Are you?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No, that girl is too advanced for him. I don't want her to force him to do anything that he doesn't want to.
Jay: I think he'll be okay with whatever she wants to do.
Gloria: Okay, you go because I cannot butt in. Maybe you can talk to her. Maybe you can put the fear of God into her!
Jay: What, bust her windshield? Break her pinkie?
Gloria: I go disconnect the security camera.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, do you guys know where the bar is?
Lester: You're here, my friend. What are you in the mood for?
Phil: Well, I'd like my wife and kids back, but I'd take a chardonnay.

Quote from Alex

Haley: He has a room to himself, and that's what he's doing?
Alex: How surprised should we be? I mean, he's basically a hyperactive toddler that just wants to play all the time.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Do you think he lied about the hotel being booked just so we'd all have to spend time together?
Luke: And we totally ditched him.
Haley: Even after he jumped on that sex grenade for us.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [on the phone] Mitchell, we won! And I looked back, and you weren't there! Please don't be mad at me.
Mitchell: I'm on the fence.
Cameron: I don't blame you. I feel stupid for making you think this was all your fault.
Mitchell: No! I'm on the fence. Look to your right.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] So, it turns out our house has mold.
Phil: Which is not a reflection on this excellent homemaker.
Claire: Anyway, we have to vacate the house while it's being treated.
Phil: I got us the last room at a hotel nearby.
Claire: I was a little concerned about the five of us sharing a room, but for one night, I don't know, could be fun.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: They always stay in the driveway like that. What are they doing? Jay, go look.
Jay: Gloria, can't you do it?
Gloria: No, I can't do it because you know that he always say that I am nosey.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Can you see?
Jay: Looks like he's driving a Mustang. Pretty sweet one, too. What the hell?
Gloria: What?
Jay: They're kissing.
Gloria: [gasps]
Jay: Sam's a girl.
Gloria: [louder gasp]
Jay: That gets the bigger reaction?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.
Jay: I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire?
Claire: Nope. I mean, what am I doing? I am totally at the wrong room.
Phil: Are you?
Claire: I'm sorry, Phil. It's not what it looks like.
Phil: Rumpled bed, wine bra. [checks bathroom] I knew it! You've been sleeping by yourself. How could you?
Claire: I am so sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore, and I needed a place where- What is that smell?
Phil: Betrayal.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Family meeting in the living room.
Haley: Aren't we already in-
Phil: In the living room!

Quote from Phil

Phil: There's no easy way to say this. Your mother's leaving us. She's found another room that makes her happy.
Alex: I don't understand.
Phil: Ssh. It's not your fault.
Claire: Okay, look, I needed a little space, and there was a room that opened up down the hall-
Phil: Then one thing led to another. Spare us, Claire.
Luke: So, wait. Mom's staying in that other room?
Phil: You can visit her on the weekends.
Alex: Aren't we here for just one more day?
Phil: Ssh. I knew you'd be the one to lash out.

Quote from Claire

Haley: If mom is staying in an empty room, why can't some of us stay with her?
Phil: You happy, Claire? You're breaking up the family.
Claire: No, guys, your father is right. This is my fault. I should go back to my room and just think about what I've done.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I cannot look at that red hair in the shower drain one more second. Look around here, people. None of us have red hair.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, one of you has to go with your mom, so we'll do this the democratic way. Whoever pulls the short crust...

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: Another good-luck gift basket, daddy.
Mitchell: Oh, they just let 7-year-olds sign for these. Okay.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay, I got to go get ready. Sam's gonna pick me up for a bite before the game.
Gloria: Jay, I don't like this.
Jay: Eh, it's not my favorite exit of his, but it beats the dramatic stage bow.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Nice ride.
Sam: Thanks.
Jay: You know, Manny's not really used to fast cars. And I don't know what your intentions are with this Mustang, but, um, I suggest you take things nice and slow. We clear?
Sam: Um, sounds like you really want me to drive slow.
Jay: No, uh, what I think I'm saying is, hands can do things. [Sam honks the horn] No, uh, hang on. Young people have urges, which is only natural. I also have urges.
Sam: Okay.
Jay: I mean, the point is, you're 18. I have my eye on you.
Manny: Jay, what are you doing? Go inside.
Jay: No means no!

Quote from Jay

Jay: What a game! Our guys were playing like they come from a much poorer neighborhood.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, I think that she really likes him. Look. She looks at him the same way that I look at him. So sweet.
Jay: And in her case, healthy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Focus, defense. They got two players hurting us. It's not that much to keep track of!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I couldn't tell Manny because it would kill him, and I couldn't tell Gloria because she would kill me. Hell of a way to ruin a nice hot dog.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, you dropped your little clipboard.
Cameron: I thought you had a work dinner tonight.
Mitchell: I did, but I blew them off. I'd rather be here supporting the team. You better go, Dolphins!
Cameron: Yeah, love that, but, you know, the game's almost over. You might want to beat traffic, so...
Mitchell: I thought you'd be happy that I was here. Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid of me?
Cameron: I have no idea. It's not because you're a jinx.
Mitchell: A jinx? Do you think I'm a jinx?
Cameron: No! No, no, no, no, no. This all can't be on you.

Quote from Phil

Carl: I know it hurts now, but, uh, being a man-about-town, on your own, has its perks. This is on me. So, who left who?
Phil: She did. She said she needed some space, got her own place, and took the kids.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know when you don't think about who was in there before you, a hotel bath can be really quite relaxing. Do you know if Alex got my text?
Alex: Your swipe-card wine.
Claire: Thank you.
Alex: Hey, so, I was talking to those sad guys that are in the lobby, and they said the hotel's been half-empty all week.
Claire: Half-full, honey. Be positive for once in your life.
Alex: Okay, not quite the point I was making.
Claire: I want to hear your point, but right now, this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim-up bar.

Quote from Luke

Alex: I'm just saying we could have been in two hotel rooms this entire time.
Claire: Okay.
Luke: Wait. So, Dad put us through hell for nothing?
Haley: Do you guys hear that?
Luke: The sound of my hero falling off his pedestal?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I get why you don't want me here. I-I know there's no such thing as bad luck, but there- There is bad energy, and I bring a lot of that to your whole sports world. And that's- That's because of my own history with it and you deserve better.
Cameron: I couldn't do better. You know what? Why can't we look at sports like one of those friends that one of us likes and the other doesn't? Sports can be like your mom.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You know, actually, I-I didn't hate this.
Cameron: Oh, shut up.
Mitchell: No, I didn't. I-I was kind of getting into the whole football culture. There is an elegance that this has- [Cameron's team dump a vat of liquid on them] No! No! This is vicuna! You neanderthals!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, wait a second. Your team just won six straight. Let's celebrate with a little scotch. You're old enough for your first sip.
Manny: She dumped me, Jay.
Jay: Okay, we're gonna do this.
Manny: She was just using me to make her old boyfriend jealous. Now they're back together. Don't tell Mom, okay? I had a sense she didn't like Sam.
Jay: Really? She didn't say anything.
Manny: My first girlfriend. She was perfect.
Jay: Eh, a little wide in the can.
Manny: Jay.
Jay: I'm sorry. Just- You ask me, you're lucky.
Manny: She dumped me by text while making out with her old boyfriend. I broke down crying. My charcoal ran like mascara. I had to be comforted by the other team's mascot. Lucky?
Jay: Think about it. How many guys your age would kill to be used by a girl like Sam? She picked you. She used you.
Manny: I was a body, Jay.
Jay: Come on. If she had picked an average guy, that boyfriend never would have got jealous. She had to pick a guy on his level.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you. It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug, make it all go away. [Manny hugs Jay]
Manny: Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?
[Gloria signals no to Jay, then walks away]
Jay: Okay, I just opened a bottle, a beautiful 18-year-old, full-bodied.
Manny: Sam!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Who rings the bell in the middle of the night? It is the creepiest thing.
Phil: I'm sure it's just, I don't know, some guy's car broke down and he wants to use our phone.
Claire: Have you ever seen a movie?


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