Lily: Let's see what we've got here. Eggplant jelly? What do they send if they don't like you?
Cameron: "Go, Coach, go Dolphins!"
Mitchell: I don't know. It seems a little "go" heavy.
Lily: Pink salt? What is wrong with people?

Claire: Haley, I need the Wi-Fi corner. Get down.
Haley: Ugh, I need Instagram to know there's still beauty in the world!

Phil: Look what I got from the vending machine in the lobby, a Charleston chew. Remember these?
Haley: Can someone please tell the Nigerian family to shut their dogs up?!
Phil: Check it out! According to this wrapper, we can win tickets to the 2005 All-Star game!

Jay: Son of a gun. Ray Chapman just died.
Gloria: I know! He used to give me the best bonings.
Jay: You're thinking of our butcher, Ray Eastman. I hope. No, Chapman was a Navy buddy. I always meant to write to him.
Gloria: Oh, Jay, that's so sad.
Jay: I hated his guts. It's like they say, you cannot put these things off.

Mitchell: You've been sawing at that chicken fried steak for 10 minutes. Just order something else.
Cameron: Mitchell, it's game day. I can't. It's my lucky meal. Oh, God. Here we go.
Mitchell: Well, that's attractive. You look like a puppy with a slipper.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Under my leadership, the varsity football team is now 5-0 -- new school record, very exciting.
Mitchell: Cam, I can smell your hat from over here. Can I please just pop it in the laundry?
Cameron: And wash the luck off? I've worn it to every game. See, he knows nothing about sports. That's why I've given him a pass. He doesn't have to go to games.
Mitchell: Although, I- I do- I hear it's fun. Three hours on a splintery plank with parents squealing with delight as their children maim each other.
Cameron: He'd know if he came. The seats are aluminum now.

Alex: Ugh. What's that?
Luke: It's a body spray called sex grenade. One of the divorced dads in the hotel recommended it.
Haley: That smell is driving me crazy.
Luke: Then it's working.

Cameron: I forgot them on the day of our first win, and it's worked ever since. Now scooch to the left.
Mitchell: I'm not letting you do the coffee-table thing again.
Cameron: Mitchell, superstitions are a big part of sports.
Mitchell: And witchcraft and cults and voodoo, but-
Cameron: Hey, look, you know what? I'm not asking you to like football, but I like football. Football was everything to me growing up. I was just a big, gay farm kid until I joined the football team and I finally fit in. Now, I don't expect you to like it. I don't expect you to come to the games. But I do expect you to be 5% less condescending. Now scooch.

Mitchell: It's too much - the car keys, the coffee table, your roller skate on the front porch. I-is there any chocolate in any of these?
Lily: You'll have to scrape it off this sun-dried tomato.

Mitchell: I suppose on some level, it's possible that he might have a point. I hate sports. I do. But if you had my dad and my upbringing I mean, have you ever been picked last for a team, Lily?
Lily: Well, at gym the other day, these mean girls-
Mitchell: I mean, you have no idea, Lily, the bullying and the teasing.
Lily: They put me in the ball bag.
Mitchell: If I am a little dismissive, it's only because of my harrowing backstory.
Lily: They said if I told, they would kill you and daddy.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. I've- I've been making this all about myself. I haven't even been thinking about Cam.