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The Big Guns

‘The Big Guns’

Season 6, Episode 12 -  Aired January 14, 2015

Claire is furious when their neighbors, Ronnie and Amber, park a huge boat on their front lawn, so Phil calls in the big guns - his father Frank and a convoy of retirees. Meanwhile, Jay decides it's time to potty train Joe, and Cameron takes Lily to clown school behind Mitchell's back.

Quote from Manny

Jay: He's gonna do great.
Manny: Why wouldn't he? There's no one better than Joe, right?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm better than Joe. At his age, I was counting to 10 in three languages. The bar is so low for that kid. Except when they play limbo. They hold it up so high anybody can get under it.


Quote from Phil

Phil: We need to finesse this, be nice about it. The last thing we need is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors. Movie idea.
Luke: I'll put it on the list. Comedy or drama?
Phil: Depends on casting.
Claire: There's got to be some kind of regulation about this. I'm gonna call the city.
Phil: That's a terrible idea.
Haley: No, a terrible idea is a movie about a guy who can fax himself places.
Luke: 'Cause you haven't heard the title, "Just the Fax Man".
Phil: Huh?
Alex: That water can't hit us soon enough.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: If you went to the library why don't you have any books?
Lily: We read there. I read Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Cameron: I read Richard Chamberlain's autobiography. Did you know he did Hamlet in London?
Lily: Yes, I remember you telling me about that at the San Vicente branch of the public library.
Cameron: Okay. Why don't you go clean your room now, sweetie?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, look. It's no big deal but I took Lily to a junior clown college this morning.
Mitchell: Are you serious? Behind my back?
Cameron: Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve. What was I supposed to do?
Mitchell: Not take her because you know how I feel about all this mumbo jumbo.
Cameron: Hey! Mumbo Jumbo was like a father to me.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Bravo! You ate all of your blueberries!
Manny: That gets applause? I just finished the Friday crossword puzzle and nothing. I guess everyone knows Herbert Hoover's middle name.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I've decided to potty-train Joe.
Gloria: No. Too soon.
Jay: It's too soon for a Pearl Harbor joke, perfect time for this.
Gloria: I don't want to rush him. Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.
Jay: He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell.
Mitchell: F-F-Fiz No! No! What have I said about you sneaking up on me? I could have been shaving. This could have been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I present to you the Asian for any occasion the clown that will invert that frown the dynamic duo of, Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cameron: We're working on the name.

Quote from Frank

Haley: How was your road trip?
Frank: The highlight came in Branson, Missouri when Victor rear-ended Yakov Smirnoff's SUV. The exchange of information was hilarious but frustrating.
Haley: I don't understand anything that's happening.
Frank: [in Russian accent] "In my country, car has insurance for me." That sort of thing.
Alex: Just laugh. One day we'll treasure these moments.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I guess you guys convinced us. It's awesome having giant recreational vehicles in your front yard.
Amber: Oh, we see what you two are doing.
Claire: You're gonna see a whole lot more 'cause these old guys like to do tai chi in shorty robes.
Ronnie: This ain't gonna work. I like hanging with old people. Makes me feel in shape.
Phil: They can't sleep and they can't hear. They're gonna be blasting talk radio all night long.

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