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35Quotes from ‘The Big Guns’

Modern Family: The Big Guns

612. The Big Guns

Aired January 14, 2015

Claire is furious when their neighbors, Ronnie and Amber, park a huge boat on their front lawn, so Phil calls in the big guns - his father Frank and a convoy of retirees. Meanwhile, Jay decides it's time to potty train Joe, and Cameron takes Lily to clown school behind Mitchell's back.

Quote from Manny

Jay: He's gonna do great.
Manny: Why wouldn't he? There's no one better than Joe, right?
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm better than Joe. At his age, I was counting to 10 in three languages. The bar is so low for that kid. Except when they play limbo. They hold it up so high anybody can get under it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: We need to finesse this, be nice about it. The last thing we need is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors. Movie idea.
Luke: I'll put it on the list. Comedy or drama?
Phil: Depends on casting.
Claire: There's got to be some kind of regulation about this. I'm gonna call the city.
Phil: That's a terrible idea.
Haley: No, a terrible idea is a movie about a guy who can fax himself places.
Luke: 'Cause you haven't heard the title, "Just the Fax Man".
Phil: Huh?
Alex: That water can't hit us soon enough.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: If you went to the library why don't you have any books?
Lily: We read there. I read Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Cameron: I read Richard Chamberlain's autobiography. Did you know he did Hamlet in London?
Lily: Yes, I remember you telling me about that at the San Vicente branch of the public library.
Cameron: Okay. Why don't you go clean your room now, sweetie?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, look. It's no big deal but I took Lily to a junior clown college this morning.
Mitchell: Are you serious? Behind my back?
Cameron: Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve. What was I supposed to do?
Mitchell: Not take her because you know how I feel about all this mumbo jumbo.
Cameron: Hey! Mumbo Jumbo was like a father to me.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Bravo! You ate all of your blueberries!
Manny: That gets applause? I just finished the Friday crossword puzzle and nothing. I guess everyone knows Herbert Hoover's middle name.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I've decided to potty-train Joe.
Gloria: No. Too soon.
Jay: It's too soon for a Pearl Harbor joke, perfect time for this.
Gloria: I don't want to rush him. Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.
Jay: He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell.
Mitchell: F-F-Fiz No! No! What have I said about you sneaking up on me? I could have been shaving. This could have been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I present to you the Asian for any occasion the clown that will invert that frown the dynamic duo of, Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cameron: We're working on the name.

Quote from Frank

Haley: How was your road trip?
Frank: The highlight came in Branson, Missouri when Victor rear-ended Yakov Smirnoff's SUV. The exchange of information was hilarious but frustrating.
Haley: I don't understand anything that's happening.
Frank: [in Russian accent] "In my country, car has insurance for me." That sort of thing.
Alex: Just laugh. One day we'll treasure these moments.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I guess you guys convinced us. It's awesome having giant recreational vehicles in your front yard.
Amber: Oh, we see what you two are doing.
Claire: You're gonna see a whole lot more 'cause these old guys like to do tai chi in shorty robes.
Ronnie: This ain't gonna work. I like hanging with old people. Makes me feel in shape.
Phil: They can't sleep and they can't hear. They're gonna be blasting talk radio all night long.

Quote from Frank

Phil: Hey, Dad, what's the What's the plot of that Rita Hayworth movie? My friends here were wondering.
Frank: That's my cue. Time to help my boy get rid of a boat. Uh, Lady from Shanghai?
Phil: That's the one.
Frank: I-I can't remember all the details. Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie. Or was it a baby? Funny thing none of it was in Shanghai. Or was all of it in Shanghai? Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. So either the horse or this baby...

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Okay, Joe, what's it gonna be? I'm a wealthy man. Just give me a number.
Manny: Seven. I just found out that's how old I was when I learned to tie my shoes. Not two, like I was told.
Gloria: Okay, please, Manny. I might have exaggerated a little bit but I do that all the time. Colombia actually is a very normal place.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, check it out. Grandpa sent us another postcard from his RV trip. "Mount Rushmore? I wish the tour guide would have rushed more." [laughs]

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, we have got to do something about Amber and Ronnie's boat. That thing is making it impossible to park in our driveway and it's an eyesore.
Phil: On the other hand they're our neighbors and we have to see 'em every day. I worry about rocking the boat.
Luke: You know you can do better.
Phil: Keeping me honest. I love it.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Yeah, the boat is trashy. Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand" for me.
Alex: You know, with sea levels rising at their current rate we should be glad we live near a boat.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] Here's all you need to know about that boat. One, Tammy LaFontaine sunbathes on it. Two, my eyeballs like looking at Tammy LaFontaine sunbathing.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, where have you guys been?
Cameron & Lily: The San Vicente branch of the public library, then ice cream.
Mitchell: That was a weirdly specific answer.
Lily: Well, everything is normal.
Mitchell: Usually when everything is normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.
Cameron: Now who's being weirdly specific?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I have been very up front with you. You knew going in that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.
Mitchell: Yes, but then I finally realized that you weren't joking and we agreed we would wait until she was old enough to decide for herself.
Cameron: You do stuff with her all the time and you don't ask me for my permission. Just last week, you took her to the doctor without even asking!
Mitchell: Because she had an ear infection!
Cameron: Let's say we're even!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look what I got. A throne for our little king.
Manny: Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.
Jay: Let's fix one problem at a time.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] The kid's ready. Plus, if I'm being honest, I'm tired of buying diapers.
[flashback:]
Jay: Excuse me. Where do you keep the diapers?
Sales Associate: Right over here, sir. [grabs a pack of adult diapers]
Jay: You trying to be funny?
Sales Associate: We have larger sizes.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Oh, hey. I didn't see you there.
Tammy: Really? So is that your creepy twin brother who's been staring at me from the window for the last week?
Luke: Uh, I could lie and say "yes." You could pretend you weren't flattered. But why not just cut to the chase?
Tammy: What would that be?
Luke: Um... I could maybe touch something of yours.
Tammy: Sure, and I could maybe kick something of yours.
Luke: I like this tension. Very "Will they, when will they?"
Tammy: Go back to your room, little boy.
Luke: Got it. I'll see you from there.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Once we approach them with this, it's gonna be awfully hard for me to log in with my anonymous call to the city.
Phil: You're not gonna have to report anyone. Call me David Copperfield, 'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.

Quote from Phil

Amber: By the way, Claire, earlier, I was just being nice. I do not like your new wig.
Phil: Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!
Claire: Phil!
Phil: Uh, not the color.
Claire: Hey, Phil! Still think we need to be nice?
Phil: No. It's time for more drastic measures. No one insults my banana bread.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Yeah, I-I get it. You can't pee with another guy looking at you. Not a bad thing, by the way. Son of a gun. His middle name was Clark.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You know, I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Please, just let Joe go on his own schedule. Manny learned to potty-train when he was two and a half.
Manny: You told me it was 13 months.
Gloria: I might have exaggerated a little bit.
Manny: Two and a half isn't advanced at all. What else did you exaggerate? Did I really like Shakespeare when I was three?
Gloria: Not so much Shakespeare as Jell-O.
Manny: Was my first word really "latte"?
Gloria: Not so much "latte" as "Jell-O."
Manny: My God. I'm normal.
Jay: Trust me, kid, no one's saying that about you.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil is not a vindictive guy. He still listens to Milli Vanilli.
Phil: It's a scandal I can dance to. But Ronnie and Amber don't deserve Nice Phil. They dissed my woman, so I called in the big guns.
Claire: You are so sexy right now.
Phil: Girl, you know it's true.
Claire: Oh, there it goes.

Quote from Frank

Claire: Thanks for coming so fast. Where were you when we called?
Frank: Who knows? It all looks the same. Either Arizona or New Mexico. Or maybe even regular Mexico.

Quote from Phil

Ronnie: What the hell is this?
Phil: We see your driveway boat and raise you a convoy of retirees.
Claire: Ooh, I want to have three more of your babies.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't gone behind my back.
Cameron: I wouldn't be in this position if I had a supportive husband.
Mitchell: Okay. Really, I would love to hear how this is my fault.
Cameron: Yesterday, Lily performed her heart out for you. She was so excited to do that broom routine, and you gave her nothing. So she got desperate and she resorted to mean-spirited gags. And then all of a sudden, guess what. You're Mister McGiggles!
Mitchell: Oh, is he like an uncle to you?

Quote from Jay

Jay: [singing] Take your body down to the potty To have some fun and go number one- [stops] What is this filth?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I tried everything videos, books, parenting Web sites. I even tried to make a game out of it. Nothing could get that kid to use the toilet. By the way do not search "peeing games" on the Internet.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You know that you can't rush these things. You did it before with Claire and with Mitch.
Manny: I don't think he did, Mom.
Gloria: Yes, he did. Right?
Jay: Well, I was a little busy building a closet empire. And racquetball was pretty big back then.
Manny: Maybe that's why this is so important to you. You missed so many milestones in their lives you don't want to miss them with Joe. This is your second chance. But don't worry, Jay. He knows you love him.
Jay: I'd like him to remember that I'm there for him. I mean, who knows if I'll get another chance?
Gloria: I know. You won't. And he won't have to remember you because you're always going to be here.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Let's have a little talk. I know that I have been laughing at some of the stuff that you've been doing to Daddy but I shouldn't have. I know that you love this but I don't want you to be the type of clown that hurts people.
Lily: I don't do that to make you laugh.
Mitchell: You don't? Well, then why do you do it?
Lily: I hate it. I don't want to be a clown. It's so weird.
Mitchell: Oh, are you serious?
Lily: The jokes aren't funny and everybody's all "Honk-honk! Ah-oogah! Wah-wah!"

Quote from Lily

Lily: I'm sorry, Daddy, but I think I want to stop being a clown.
Cameron: [gasps] Oh, but why? Y-You loved it.
Lily: Because...
Mitchell: Tell him.
Lily: Because I'll never be as good as Fizbo. He's just so funny and special and magical.
Cameron: Sweetie. Well, listen. Fizbo is very special. But you shouldn't expect to be as good as he is right away. Lily: It's too much pressure.
Cameron: Aw!
Lily: Maybe I'll try again when I'm older.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Coming up with a lie like that in the moment, that girl is no clown. She's gonna be a lawyer.

Quote from Alex

Alex: You did it!
Luke: Oh, my God. That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Alex: Just do it a few more times and she'll be begging you to kiss her right in the science museum... Or-Or whatever her fantasy is.


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