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‘Three Turkeys’ Quotes

Modern Family: Three Turkeys

608. Three Turkeys

Aired November 19, 2014

With Phil cooking this year's Thanksgiving dinner with Luke as his sous chef, Claire secretly prepares a backup turkey. After their vacation to Mexico is canceled, Jay and Gloria decide to stay at home and not tell the family. Meanwhile, Mitchell is fed up of Cameron always appeasing Lily and making him play the role of "bad cop".

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, this could be our new Thanksgiving tradition.
Gloria: What, hiding from our own family?
Jay: Hey, if the Indians hid a little bit more, they might still have this country. No, just taking a break from each other. God knows I couldn't love them more, but the Kennedys didn't get together as much as this family.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. Huge step for Claire to trust me with this. But I have help, this new app. It's, uh, international super chef Nigella Lawson. I can even program my name, so it's like she's right here guiding my every move with that sultry British voice. I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [aside to camera] The Colombians' trip got canceled because a mudslide took out the runway at the local airport. That thing's made of dirt. Are we sure it didn't just rain?
Gloria: So we never left, and we could have gone to Phil and Claire's, but-
Jay: We decided to enjoy our own quiet, stress-free holiday dinner at home with no one the wiser.
Gloria: We're having a little steak-cation, only with turkey instead of the steak.
Jay: Stay-cation.
Gloria: What did I say?
Jay: "Steak-cation." It's stay-cation.
Gloria: Oh, so, this is how you want to start the quiet, stress-free dinner, with an English lesson? [speaking Spanish]
Jay: They call her "la tranquila."

Quote from Haley

Haley: I hope that Thanksgiving's on a Friday next year, so that I can sleep through the entire weekend.
Alex: Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.
Claire: Wow, you really must be.

Quote from Claire

Manny: Mom and Jay sent a Thanksgiving greeting from Mexico.
Luke: I didn't even know Mexico had Thanksgiving.
Haley: I know. I said the same thing.
Claire: God, we're really gonna miss Alex.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You put the giblets in a pan?
Luke: Yes, chef.
Phil: Thanks, a boy named Sous chef.
Luke: [laughs] I don't get it, but I trust you.
Nigella Lawson: [phone app] All right, Philip, tuck the wing tips under the body of the bird and place in a roasting pan.
Phil: As you wish, my crumpet.

Quote from Alex

Claire: It is a backup turkey. I bought it in case your father's doesn't work out, which I hope it does. But if it doesn't, this could save him a lot of embarrassment. Please don't tell him. He would die if he thought I didn't trust him.
Alex: Interesting. I mean, I'm going off to college soon. All of a sudden, you're keeping something warm in my old crib.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ugh, I don't feel like waffles. Can you make me cereal?
Cameron: Sure.
Mitchell: Absolutely not. Absolutely not, Lily. You are gonna finish that waffle, or you're not gonna have breakfast.
Lily: Can I at least eat it in front of the TV?
Cameron: Yes.
Mitchell: No.
Lily: Thanks, daddy. Mean daddy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, okay. You give in to her every whim, and I'm mean daddy.
Cameron: That's not true.
Mitchell: Isn't it? What's this? Hmm? This is how she sees us. I'm a screaming demon, and you're just a-smilin' and a-bakin'. And, incidentally, do we really think this is refrigerator-worthy?
Cameron: She put it up yesterday after you made her clean her room.
Mitchell: And after you made her brownies. She is gonna turn into a willful, fat little girl unless you start getting tough with her, because right now you're her pal, and I'm just the pitchfork-wielding she-devil. [Cameron laughs] It lined up, didn't it?
Cameron: Yeah, we really got lucky with you holding that fork.

Quote from Phil

Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] Now, Philip, rub the breasts and thighs with olive oil.
Phil: I'm a little new at this, but okay.
Nigella Lawson: Before stuffing the bird, you may want to remove your jewelry.
Phil: You mean take off my wedding ring? You bad, bad girl.

Quote from Alex

Claire: I don't love being the person who hides in her garage with her secret crib turkey, but it's not always fun being the backstop.
Alex: You're telling me. Until you get home from work every day, my main job is keeping Luke alive. I actually caught him on the treadmill with scissors.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We cannot let her run the show like this.
Cameron: Okay, trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now, our child's walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So you don't feel guilty?
Jay: For what? Not sharing this thirty-year-old Scotch with Phil? He mixes it with 7up, Gloria. It's a hate crime.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. Phil, stay calm. Yes, the trip over here killed the casserole. The biscuits are hard. The gravy has a skin on it like a sharecropper's neck.
Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] Are your onions in hot water, Philip?
Phil: Yes, I would say they are!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey, sweetie, what are you reading?
Lily: What are you wearing?
Cameron: Well, I think it's Dolce & Gabbana.
Mitchell: She asked "what," not "who." Do you see Red Carpet?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Fill it in with this sandwich turkey. It's past its sell-by date, but I always think that's more of a suggestion, anyway. I'm gonna get them all loaded up on bread.
Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] And now, Philip, what to do with all the leftovers.
Phil: What happened to the sweet girl I downloaded?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, now you touched it, so you, Alex, and Haley will share that one. Dark meat for your dark, untrusting soul.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Congratulations, Luke! You're finally a man! In my country, when you turn 16, you get your turkey.
Manny: Wait, you made the video before you decided to come back early. Were you gonna keep the turkey in there for four days?
Gloria: It's a tradition.
Claire: How did you get that thing through customs?
Gloria: It is called customs. They respect customs.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, give it up. Honey, you can dance all you want, but you're not fooling anyone.
Nigella Lawson: [on video app] Continue to whip, vigorously, Phillip until your meringue stiffens.
Phil: That's hilarious, I don't-
Nigella Lawson: Are the cheeks turning nice and pink?
Phil: What's the problem?
Nigella Lawson: Now plunge into cold water.
Claire: I was just about to suggest the same thing.


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