Jay: Hey, this could be our new Thanksgiving tradition.
Gloria: What, hiding from our own family?
Jay: Hey, if the Indians hid a little bit more, they might still have this country. No, just taking a break from each other. God knows I couldn't love them more, but the Kennedys didn't get together as much as this family.

Phil: [aside to camera] I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. Huge step for Claire to trust me with this. But I have help, this new app. It's, uh, international super chef Nigella Lawson. I can even program my name, so it's like she's right here guiding my every move with that sultry British voice. I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.

Jay: [aside to camera] The Colombians' trip got canceled because a mudslide took out the runway at the local airport. That thing's made of dirt. Are we sure it didn't just rain?
Gloria: So we never left, and we could have gone to Phil and Claire's, but-
Jay: We decided to enjoy our own quiet, stress-free holiday dinner at home with no one the wiser.
Gloria: We're having a little steak-cation, only with turkey instead of the steak.
Jay: Stay-cation.
Gloria: What did I say?
Jay: "Steak-cation." It's stay-cation.
Gloria: Oh, so, this is how you want to start the quiet, stress-free dinner, with an English lesson? [speaking Spanish]
Jay: They call her "la tranquila."

Haley: I hope that Thanksgiving's on a Friday next year, so that I can sleep through the entire weekend.
Alex: Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.
Claire: Wow, you really must be.

Manny: Mom and Jay sent a Thanksgiving greeting from Mexico.
Luke: I didn't even know Mexico had Thanksgiving.
Haley: I know. I said the same thing.
Claire: God, we're really gonna miss Alex.

Gloria: Congratulations, Luke! You're finally a man! In my country, when you turn 16, you get your turkey.
Manny: Wait, you made the video before you decided to come back early. Were you gonna keep the turkey in there for four days?
Gloria: It's a tradition.
Claire: How did you get that thing through customs?
Gloria: It is called customs. They respect customs.

Phil: You put the giblets in a pan?
Luke: Yes, chef.
Phil: Thanks, a boy named Sous chef.
Luke: [laughs] I don't get it, but I trust you.
Nigella Lawson: [phone app] All right, Philip, tuck the wing tips under the body of the bird and place in a roasting pan.
Phil: As you wish, my crumpet.

Claire: It is a backup turkey. I bought it in case your father's doesn't work out, which I hope it does. But if it doesn't, this could save him a lot of embarrassment. Please don't tell him. He would die if he thought I didn't trust him.
Alex: Interesting. I mean, I'm going off to college soon. All of a sudden, you're keeping something warm in my old crib.

Lily: Ugh, I don't feel like waffles. Can you make me cereal?
Cameron: Sure.
Mitchell: Absolutely not. Absolutely not, Lily. You are gonna finish that waffle, or you're not gonna have breakfast.
Lily: Can I at least eat it in front of the TV?
Cameron: Yes.
Mitchell: No.
Lily: Thanks, daddy. Mean daddy.

Mitchell: Okay, okay. You give in to her every whim, and I'm mean daddy.
Cameron: That's not true.
Mitchell: Isn't it? What's this? Hmm? This is how she sees us. I'm a screaming demon, and you're just a-smilin' and a-bakin'. And, incidentally, do we really think this is refrigerator-worthy?
Cameron: She put it up yesterday after you made her clean her room.
Mitchell: And after you made her brownies. She is gonna turn into a willful, fat little girl unless you start getting tough with her, because right now you're her pal, and I'm just the pitchfork-wielding she-devil. [Cameron laughs] It lined up, didn't it?
Cameron: Yeah, we really got lucky with you holding that fork.