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48Quotes from ‘Three Turkeys’

Modern Family: Three Turkeys

608. Three Turkeys

Aired November 19, 2014

With Phil cooking this year's Thanksgiving dinner with Luke as his sous chef, Claire secretly prepares a backup turkey. After their vacation to Mexico is canceled, Jay and Gloria decide to stay at home and not tell the family. Meanwhile, Mitchell is fed up of Cameron always appeasing Lily and making him play the role of "bad cop".

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, this could be our new Thanksgiving tradition.
Gloria: What, hiding from our own family?
Jay: Hey, if the Indians hid a little bit more, they might still have this country. No, just taking a break from each other. God knows I couldn't love them more, but the Kennedys didn't get together as much as this family.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. Huge step for Claire to trust me with this. But I have help, this new app. It's, uh, international super chef Nigella Lawson. I can even program my name, so it's like she's right here guiding my every move with that sultry British voice. I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: [aside to camera] The Colombians' trip got canceled because a mudslide took out the runway at the local airport. That thing's made of dirt. Are we sure it didn't just rain?
Gloria: So we never left, and we could have gone to Phil and Claire's, but-
Jay: We decided to enjoy our own quiet, stress-free holiday dinner at home with no one the wiser.
Gloria: We're having a little steak-cation, only with turkey instead of the steak.
Jay: Stay-cation.
Gloria: What did I say?
Jay: "Steak-cation." It's stay-cation.
Gloria: Oh, so, this is how you want to start the quiet, stress-free dinner, with an English lesson? [speaking Spanish]
Jay: They call her "la tranquila."

Quote from Haley

Haley: I hope that Thanksgiving's on a Friday next year, so that I can sleep through the entire weekend.
Alex: Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.
Claire: Wow, you really must be.

Quote from Claire

Manny: Mom and Jay sent a Thanksgiving greeting from Mexico.
Luke: I didn't even know Mexico had Thanksgiving.
Haley: I know. I said the same thing.
Claire: God, we're really gonna miss Alex.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You put the giblets in a pan?
Luke: Yes, chef.
Phil: Thanks, a boy named Sous chef.
Luke: [laughs] I don't get it, but I trust you.
Nigella Lawson: [phone app] All right, Philip, tuck the wing tips under the body of the bird and place in a roasting pan.
Phil: As you wish, my crumpet.

Quote from Alex

Claire: It is a backup turkey. I bought it in case your father's doesn't work out, which I hope it does. But if it doesn't, this could save him a lot of embarrassment. Please don't tell him. He would die if he thought I didn't trust him.
Alex: Interesting. I mean, I'm going off to college soon. All of a sudden, you're keeping something warm in my old crib.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ugh, I don't feel like waffles. Can you make me cereal?
Cameron: Sure.
Mitchell: Absolutely not. Absolutely not, Lily. You are gonna finish that waffle, or you're not gonna have breakfast.
Lily: Can I at least eat it in front of the TV?
Cameron: Yes.
Mitchell: No.
Lily: Thanks, daddy. Mean daddy.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, okay. You give in to her every whim, and I'm mean daddy.
Cameron: That's not true.
Mitchell: Isn't it? What's this? Hmm? This is how she sees us. I'm a screaming demon, and you're just a-smilin' and a-bakin'. And, incidentally, do we really think this is refrigerator-worthy?
Cameron: She put it up yesterday after you made her clean her room.
Mitchell: And after you made her brownies. She is gonna turn into a willful, fat little girl unless you start getting tough with her, because right now you're her pal, and I'm just the pitchfork-wielding she-devil. [Cameron laughs] It lined up, didn't it?
Cameron: Yeah, we really got lucky with you holding that fork.

Quote from Phil

Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] Now, Philip, rub the breasts and thighs with olive oil.
Phil: I'm a little new at this, but okay.
Nigella Lawson: Before stuffing the bird, you may want to remove your jewelry.
Phil: You mean take off my wedding ring? You bad, bad girl.

Quote from Alex

Claire: I don't love being the person who hides in her garage with her secret crib turkey, but it's not always fun being the backstop.
Alex: You're telling me. Until you get home from work every day, my main job is keeping Luke alive. I actually caught him on the treadmill with scissors.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: We cannot let her run the show like this.
Cameron: Okay, trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now, our child's walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: So you don't feel guilty?
Jay: For what? Not sharing this thirty-year-old Scotch with Phil? He mixes it with 7up, Gloria. It's a hate crime.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay. Phil, stay calm. Yes, the trip over here killed the casserole. The biscuits are hard. The gravy has a skin on it like a sharecropper's neck.
Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] Are your onions in hot water, Philip?
Phil: Yes, I would say they are!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Hey, sweetie, what are you reading?
Lily: What are you wearing?
Cameron: Well, I think it's Dolce & Gabbana.
Mitchell: She asked "what," not "who." Do you see Red Carpet?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Fill it in with this sandwich turkey. It's past its sell-by date, but I always think that's more of a suggestion, anyway. I'm gonna get them all loaded up on bread.
Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] And now, Philip, what to do with all the leftovers.
Phil: What happened to the sweet girl I downloaded?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, now you touched it, so you, Alex, and Haley will share that one. Dark meat for your dark, untrusting soul.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Congratulations, Luke! You're finally a man! In my country, when you turn 16, you get your turkey.
Manny: Wait, you made the video before you decided to come back early. Were you gonna keep the turkey in there for four days?
Gloria: It's a tradition.
Claire: How did you get that thing through customs?
Gloria: It is called customs. They respect customs.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil, give it up. Honey, you can dance all you want, but you're not fooling anyone.
Nigella Lawson: [on video app] Continue to whip, vigorously, Phillip until your meringue stiffens.
Phil: That's hilarious, I don't-
Nigella Lawson: Are the cheeks turning nice and pink?
Phil: What's the problem?
Nigella Lawson: Now plunge into cold water.
Claire: I was just about to suggest the same thing.

Quote from Claire

Claire: How's it going in here?
Phil: Great. You just take advantage of your first Thanksgiving not sweating over a hot stove and having to sit down to dinner all gross and grumpy and exhausted.
Luke: Yeah, this year, you can finally be in a good mood.
Claire: Well, I was until this little riff.

Quote from Manny

Luke: I still don't get why you passed up a free trip.
Manny: Because they're meeting twelve women who call my mom "la tranquila", the quiet one.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I know how hard it is for you to hand over the reins, but you have got to trust me.
Claire: I do trust you. It's just easy to forget the little things.
Phil: I'm not going to forget anything. Now go. [to Haley and Manny] You two need to run to the grocery store. I forgot green beans, yams, and cranberry sauce.

Quote from Alex

Alex: What's in the crib?
Claire: What crib? You're a crib. Shouldn't you be studying?
Alex: Well, I'm done with my midterms. I finished my college essay. And I was just about to go on a bike ride. Why are you acting so guilty?
Claire: You're guilty.
Alex: How did I ever get to be a champion debater?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. You got to be kidding me. Not this again.
Cameron: What? She said her eggs were watery, so I made her a waffle. Please don't make a thing out of it. I've seen you send food back. Remember that time in Miami?
Mitchell: Okay, first of all, this isn't a restaurant. Secondly, my bisque had a tooth in it.
Cameron: It was a shell.
Mitchell: There was a filling in it.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Long story short, if you pour it, it's cranberry sauce. But I'm sorry, if you slice it, it's cranberry jelly.
Haley: I'm literally driving as fast as this car can go.

Quote from Phil

Nigella Lawson: [on phone app] Now, Philip, cover the breast and legs with a buttered cheesecloth.
Haley: That thing's a little creepy.
Phil: You're a little creepy.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Do you ever feel jealous of them?
Alex: You do, too?
Claire: Oh, yeah, all the time. Please, while you and I are busy being responsible, thing one and thing two are off having so much fun.

Quote from Claire

Claire: You know, there's no reason you and I can't relax a little and have as much fun as they do.
Alex: I'm in. Let's be more like those idiots.
Claire: Yeah. Con-garage-ulations.
Alex: Nailed it.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, well, sweetie, listen, I'm afraid we can't leave until you put that dress on.
Lily: Okay.
Cameron: You see? As much as you want me to yell, I have a more effective method. When you say to a child, "I will treat you with dignity and respect," that child will, in turn, say to you-
Lily: I left the tag on. This is going back Monday.
Mitchell: Oh, and right in the middle of getting up on such a high, high horse.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Mitchell, I will make it clear that she is not the boss.
[Lily honks the car horn incessantly]
Mitchell: Okay, well, no, no, we can't go out now.
Cameron: Okay, where did she learn that annoying habit?
Mitchell: Claire's been picking her up from meditation Mondays.

Quote from Claire

Alex: So, how long until you sneak home - and get the backup turkey?
Claire: Have a little faith.
Alex: You're really trusting dad to do this?
Claire: In me. It's in Lily's backpack in the trunk of the car.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh. This is crazy. Let's just go downstairs and tell them that we're here.
Jay: Are you kidding? We sent them a video from Mexico. We lied to their faces. You think we can just go downstairs and throw money at this and make it go away? I'm asking you. Do you think that would work?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Ta-da?
Haley: Oh, my god! You have my underwear?!
Manny: No. Okay, well, yes, but it's not what you're thinking. Uh, they were in my pants.
Haley: What is wrong with you?! I know you have a crush on me, but this is, like, deep freak!
Manny: No, I used to have a crush on you, but not anymore. This is all just bad luck. Just take your panties and go.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, no, I am not putting on one of my dad's hideous leisure suits.
Cameron: That is not the plan. Relax. Do you remember last year when we picked her up from that family dinner at Claire's? We were dressed as Cagney and Lacey for Pepper's '80s ladies party, and she flipped out.
Mitchell: You're not putting on one of Gloria's dresses.
Cameron: If you would simply just let me finish, that is not the plan.
Mitchell: Okay, I'm sorry.
Cameron: We're both putting on dresses.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Mitchell, focus on the goal. You know she only dresses the way she does to get attention. Maybe it was cute a few years ago, but she's just getting too old for this.
Mitchell: You know what she needs is a good spank on the bottom.
Cameron: No, that's your father's way.
Gloria: You told them about that?
Cameron: I'm telling you, if I had this closet, I never would have come out.
Mitchell: Well, you can come back later. Let's just get this over with.
Gloria: If those mean girls have something to say to me, they should say it to my face.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I just can't believe I slipped into one of Gloria's dresses.
Mitchell: Relax. It's a maternity poncho.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Okay, we tell them we took the noon flight out, and, uh -- where's Joe?
Gloria: I thought you were bringing him!
Jay: I'm lugging two suitcases.
Gloria: Empty suitcases! How are we gonna walk in there without-
Jay: The little turkey!
Gloria: I don't like you calling him that.
Jay: No, no, the little turkey I was cooking for us. It's still in the oven.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Dad and Gloria seem really okay with us wearing dresses.
Cameron: Yeah, like we do it every day?
Lily: Well, if it's okay with Grandpa, it's okay with me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: The cranberry sauce is okay, and the gravy is out of the woods.
Luke: And, thanks to you, those baby carrots are gonna pull through.
Phil: Well, they're fighters.
Nigella Lawson: [on video app] And now, Phillip, for the last time, lightly brush the thighs.
Phil: I'm gonna miss this Randy little redcoat. But it's time to cross the finish line. No!
Luke: What?!
Phil: Cranking up the heat must have dried it up and shrunk it! It's tiny!

Quote from Phil

Phil: How am I supposed to feed eleven people with this pigeon!?

Quote from Luke

Phil: We need a smaller platter or something that makes this look normal-sized!
Luke: How do you feel about a coaster?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Delicious homemade bread?
Mitchell: That looks like just regular white bread.
Phil: You two seem drunk. This will soak up the booze.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Lily, you are not in charge of what you wear, of breakfast, or anything. Now, put that backpack on and march it out to the car!
Lily: [groaning] It's too heavy.
Cameron: Well, that's tough because I'm not carrying it for you anymore!
Mitchell: I like this new guy, huh?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know, this was a brand-new backpack, and now it's got turkey juice all up in it!
Mitchell: Okay, back it up, Old Yeller.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait a minute. I know this bird. I've been oiling these breasts all day. This is my turkey! Done to perfection! Eat it, Claire!

Quote from Jay

Alex: Wait, so, how did dad's turkey get in their suitcase?
Haley: And where did that small turkey come from?
Manny: And how did you know to come here? Dinner was supposed to be at Claire's.
Jay: All right, all right. It's like "The Caine Mutiny" in here! Our vacation got canceled at the last minute. We decided not to say anything because we wanted a break.
Claire: A br- A break from what?!
Jay: From Thanksgiving craziness. From- From stress, from yelling, from these two parading around in dresses.
Mitchell: That was a one-time thing.
Cameron: Okay, we don't wear dresses at home.
Jay: Now, look, I get that Thanksgiving is a big day for families who never see each other, but this group is together non-stop. Look, why don't you take the suitcase turkey home with you? You take the backpack turkey. We'll order a pizza, and we'll all call it a night.

Quote from Haley

Haley: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I know I seem like the last person to say this, but we can't just skip Thanksgiving! Time is going by so fast. It seemed like only yesterday that Manny was hot for me, and he's not anymore. And someday, Alex may have a boyfriend who wants her to spend it with his family. Okay, we probably got a little window there. But my point is that I love my crazy family, and I want to spend this holiday with them.

Quote from Haley

Haley: If you want a break, we can skip Christmas.
Jay: Fine. Settled.
Gloria: Okay. Si.
Jay: Skip Christmas.
Mitchell: Okay, cool. We're good.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I already had plans to spend Christmas in Cabo with my friends. I've got to get out of here.


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