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‘When Good Kids Go Bad’ Quotes

Modern Family: When Good Kids Go Bad

302. When Good Kids Go Bad

Aired September 21, 2011

Mitchell and Cameron want to tell the family about their plan to adopt another child, but Lily isn't reacting well to the prospect of a baby brother. Jay thinks Gloria is covering for Manny after he took a girl's locket at school. Meanwhile, Claire is annoyed that nobody will accept she's right about Phil tripping her at the grocery store.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, he is so cute!
Laura: Yeah, and he never cries. Literally never. It's actually a little weird.
Cameron: Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was born with a full set of teeth.
Mitchell: Yeah, that never happened.
Cameron: Oh. No? Really? You should've seen her crib. It looked like beavers lived there.

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Quote from Luke

Haley: Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.
Alex: But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?
Haley: Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
Luke: Why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Haley: Oh, you mean "the penthouse"?
Alex: With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?
Luke: It is kinda cool.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to, but I've been wanting to move for a while. There's a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Cam, you don't have to ice her out completely.
Cameron: Do you think I'm enjoying this? But I need her to detach from me before the new thing comes or who knows what she'll do to it.
Mitchell: Why are you saying "thing" instead of "baby"?
Lily: Kill the new baby.
Mitchell: Oh.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, let's see. Oh, could you grab me an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Claire: Olive oil, Phil.
Phil: Come on. That's funny.
Claire: Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle "sandwich rap."
Phil: Girl, you crazy. I'm mad fun to shop with. "Trapped in between two whole wheat slices. Pastrami and Swiss are my only vices."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Besides, this is a happy occasion. Am I right, Lily? Aren't you excited to get a new baby brother?
Lily: No! I hate the baby!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We are having a slight issue getting Lily on board with the adoption. "I hate the baby."
Cameron: "No new baby."
Mitchell: "I wanna make the baby dead."
Cameron: I thought we weren't gonna share that one.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [on the phone] No, you calm down! This is how I talk when somebody accuses my Manny of stealing.
Jay: Who is that?
Gloria: It's the principal. He's saying that Manny stole some girl's locket. What, do you think that all Colombians are criminals because a Colombian necktie is a symbol of violence all over the world? No, no, I'm not threatening you. Okay. Apology accepted. No, I didn't mean anything about the necktie. I just-- I was trying to make a point.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why would he do something like that? It's bad enough that he's the boy with the pan flute and the puffy shirts and-and the poems. Now he's the jewelry thief.
Jay: Might be an upgrade.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, this is not funny. Those things stick to you. My cousin Rosa Marina, when she was 14, she stole something, and after that, everybody thinks of her as the girl who steals cars.
Jay: She stole a car?
Gloria: Cars. But after she got that label, what else could she do?

Quote from Luke

Claire: What's going on?
Luke: Moving into the attic. Give me a day or two to get settled, then I'll have you up.
Claire: When did all this happen?
Luke: Depends on who you ask. My plan's been in motion for three weeks.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, this is a terrible idea. You're gonna hate it up there.
Alex: Mom, stay out of this.
Haley: Yeah. We all have our own rooms now. Everybody wins.
Claire: Well, don't get too comfortable in there, girls. Luke, it's cold, and it's scary up there. You're gonna be back in your own room by tomorrow night.
Phil: I don't know, Claire. It's got a lot of potential. This is a lot nicer than the attic I lived in when we met.

Quote from Manny

Jay: I spend half my life waiting on you. How many times do you have to change your outfit?
Manny: Sorry, Jay. Too many choices is a prison.
Gloria: Just drive before he rethinks the pants.
Manny: What's wrong with my pants?!
Gloria: Go. Go. Go.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Okay, everybody. Showtime.
Phil: Oh, my gosh. It's us at the market. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's security camera footage.
Mitchell: I don't understand. What are we watching?
Jay: Well, it ain't "The Godfather," I can tell you that much.
Claire: Okay, look, I fell yesterday at the market, and Phil and I have been having a little disagreement as to what happened. Just watch. Okay, right here. I stop to fix my shoe, and then Phil- Right there. Okay. He makes way for this very attractive woman, whom he conveniently leaves out of his retelling of the story. Now right here, Phil backs up, pushes his butt into the cart, pushes me into the cans! Do you see that?! Oh! It's all his fault, just like I said! I was right! Suck it!

Quote from Claire

Phil: When did you get this-
Alex: Oh, my God. That's why you wanted to come separately.
Haley: You went to all that trouble just to prove you were right?
Claire: It really wasn't that much trouble. I just went to the store, found your friend Jordan the bag boy, who got me the manager. He gave me the address of the off-site security office. I filled out some paperwork. Sally faxed it to corporate. Three minutes later, I'm buying pack of DVDs and burning a copy. Cake.
Luke: It's like a sickness.
Claire: What? None of you believed me, so I got proof. You should all be sucking it right now.
Gloria: Hey, please stop with the "sucking it," Claire. The children!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, okay. What's done is done! All you can do is learn from your mistakes. And in that spirit, I would like to propose a toast to Manny. This week, he did something he wasn't supposed to do, like we all do-
Gloria: Like we all do! Salud to Manny!
Jay: Uh, not yet. But Manny stood up like a man. He admitted he was wrong and he took his licks, and I'm damn proud of him.
Gloria: Ah, now we clink!
Jay: No, we clink when I say we clink. So Manny made a mistake, but he didn't take the easy way out. He's got guts, he's got integrity. As far as I'm concerned, he's the best little b-
Manny: Okay, stop! Stop! I didn't do any of that. Mom broke into the locker and threw the necklace inside, and then we ran away like cowards. I'm sorry, Jay! I'm sorry!
Jay: I knew it! I was right! I was right!
All: Oh.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Well, you're gonna hate this then, honey, but I'm gonna need you to go back down and sleep in your old room. I just- I'm worried if you get something so cool this early in your life, you're not gonna have anything to look forward to later.
Luke: I-I have to go now?
Claire: You can spend the night tonight here if you want.
Luke: Oh! No, if it's so important to you, I'll go now. You should come, too. Something sleeps over there.


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