Cameron: Oh, he is so cute!
Laura: Yeah, and he never cries. Literally never. It's actually a little weird.
Cameron: Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was born with a full set of teeth.
Mitchell: Yeah, that never happened.
Cameron: Oh. No? Really? You should've seen her crib. It looked like beavers lived there.

Haley: Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.
Alex: But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?
Haley: Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
Luke: Why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Haley: Oh, you mean "the penthouse"?
Alex: With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?
Luke: It is kinda cool.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to, but I've been wanting to move for a while. There's a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.

Mitchell: Cam, you don't have to ice her out completely.
Cameron: Do you think I'm enjoying this? But I need her to detach from me before the new thing comes or who knows what she'll do to it.
Mitchell: Why are you saying "thing" instead of "baby"?
Lily: Kill the new baby.
Mitchell: Oh.

Claire: Okay, let's see. Oh, could you grab me an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Claire: Olive oil, Phil.
Phil: Come on. That's funny.
Claire: Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle "sandwich rap."
Phil: Girl, you crazy. I'm mad fun to shop with. "Trapped in between two whole wheat slices. Pastrami and Swiss are my only vices."

Cameron: Besides, this is a happy occasion. Am I right, Lily? Aren't you excited to get a new baby brother?
Lily: No! I hate the baby!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We are having a slight issue getting Lily on board with the adoption. "I hate the baby."
Cameron: "No new baby."
Mitchell: "I wanna make the baby dead."
Cameron: I thought we weren't gonna share that one.

Gloria: [on the phone] No, you calm down! This is how I talk when somebody accuses my Manny of stealing.
Jay: Who is that?
Gloria: It's the principal. He's saying that Manny stole some girl's locket. What, do you think that all Colombians are criminals because a Colombian necktie is a symbol of violence all over the world? No, no, I'm not threatening you. Okay. Apology accepted. No, I didn't mean anything about the necktie. I just-- I was trying to make a point.

Gloria: Why would he do something like that? It's bad enough that he's the boy with the pan flute and the puffy shirts and-and the poems. Now he's the jewelry thief.
Jay: Might be an upgrade.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, this is not funny. Those things stick to you. My cousin Rosa Marina, when she was 14, she stole something, and after that, everybody thinks of her as the girl who steals cars.
Jay: She stole a car?
Gloria: Cars. But after she got that label, what else could she do?

Claire: What's going on?
Luke: Moving into the attic. Give me a day or two to get settled, then I'll have you up.
Claire: When did all this happen?
Luke: Depends on who you ask. My plan's been in motion for three weeks.

Claire: Honey, this is a terrible idea. You're gonna hate it up there.
Alex: Mom, stay out of this.
Haley: Yeah. We all have our own rooms now. Everybody wins.
Claire: Well, don't get too comfortable in there, girls. Luke, it's cold, and it's scary up there. You're gonna be back in your own room by tomorrow night.
Phil: I don't know, Claire. It's got a lot of potential. This is a lot nicer than the attic I lived in when we met.

Jay: I spend half my life waiting on you. How many times do you have to change your outfit?
Manny: Sorry, Jay. Too many choices is a prison.
Gloria: Just drive before he rethinks the pants.
Manny: What's wrong with my pants?!
Gloria: Go. Go. Go.