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43Quotes from ‘When Good Kids Go Bad’

Modern Family: When Good Kids Go Bad

302. When Good Kids Go Bad

Aired September 21, 2011

Mitchell and Cameron want to tell the family about their plan to adopt another child, but Lily isn't reacting well to the prospect of a baby brother. Jay thinks Gloria is covering for Manny after he took a girl's locket at school. Meanwhile, Claire is annoyed that nobody will accept she's right about Phil tripping her at the grocery store.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, he is so cute!
Laura: Yeah, and he never cries. Literally never. It's actually a little weird.
Cameron: Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was born with a full set of teeth.
Mitchell: Yeah, that never happened.
Cameron: Oh. No? Really? You should've seen her crib. It looked like beavers lived there.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.
Alex: But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?
Haley: Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
Luke: Why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Haley: Oh, you mean "the penthouse"?
Alex: With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?
Luke: It is kinda cool.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to, but I've been wanting to move for a while. There's a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Cam, you don't have to ice her out completely.
Cameron: Do you think I'm enjoying this? But I need her to detach from me before the new thing comes or who knows what she'll do to it.
Mitchell: Why are you saying "thing" instead of "baby"?
Lily: Kill the new baby.
Mitchell: Oh.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, let's see. Oh, could you grab me an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Claire: Olive oil, Phil.
Phil: Come on. That's funny.
Claire: Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle "sandwich rap."
Phil: Girl, you crazy. I'm mad fun to shop with. "Trapped in between two whole wheat slices. Pastrami and Swiss are my only vices."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Besides, this is a happy occasion. Am I right, Lily? Aren't you excited to get a new baby brother?
Lily: No! I hate the baby!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: We are having a slight issue getting Lily on board with the adoption. "I hate the baby."
Cameron: "No new baby."
Mitchell: "I wanna make the baby dead."
Cameron: I thought we weren't gonna share that one.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [on the phone] No, you calm down! This is how I talk when somebody accuses my Manny of stealing.
Jay: Who is that?
Gloria: It's the principal. He's saying that Manny stole some girl's locket. What, do you think that all Colombians are criminals because a Colombian necktie is a symbol of violence all over the world? No, no, I'm not threatening you. Okay. Apology accepted. No, I didn't mean anything about the necktie. I just-- I was trying to make a point.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why would he do something like that? It's bad enough that he's the boy with the pan flute and the puffy shirts and-and the poems. Now he's the jewelry thief.
Jay: Might be an upgrade.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, this is not funny. Those things stick to you. My cousin Rosa Marina, when she was 14, she stole something, and after that, everybody thinks of her as the girl who steals cars.
Jay: She stole a car?
Gloria: Cars. But after she got that label, what else could she do?

Quote from Luke

Claire: What's going on?
Luke: Moving into the attic. Give me a day or two to get settled, then I'll have you up.
Claire: When did all this happen?
Luke: Depends on who you ask. My plan's been in motion for three weeks.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, this is a terrible idea. You're gonna hate it up there.
Alex: Mom, stay out of this.
Haley: Yeah. We all have our own rooms now. Everybody wins.
Claire: Well, don't get too comfortable in there, girls. Luke, it's cold, and it's scary up there. You're gonna be back in your own room by tomorrow night.
Phil: I don't know, Claire. It's got a lot of potential. This is a lot nicer than the attic I lived in when we met.

Quote from Manny

Jay: I spend half my life waiting on you. How many times do you have to change your outfit?
Manny: Sorry, Jay. Too many choices is a prison.
Gloria: Just drive before he rethinks the pants.
Manny: What's wrong with my pants?!
Gloria: Go. Go. Go.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Okay, everybody. Showtime.
Phil: Oh, my gosh. It's us at the market. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's security camera footage.
Mitchell: I don't understand. What are we watching?
Jay: Well, it ain't "The Godfather," I can tell you that much.
Claire: Okay, look, I fell yesterday at the market, and Phil and I have been having a little disagreement as to what happened. Just watch. Okay, right here. I stop to fix my shoe, and then Phil- Right there. Okay. He makes way for this very attractive woman, whom he conveniently leaves out of his retelling of the story. Now right here, Phil backs up, pushes his butt into the cart, pushes me into the cans! Do you see that?! Oh! It's all his fault, just like I said! I was right! Suck it!

Quote from Claire

Phil: When did you get this-
Alex: Oh, my God. That's why you wanted to come separately.
Haley: You went to all that trouble just to prove you were right?
Claire: It really wasn't that much trouble. I just went to the store, found your friend Jordan the bag boy, who got me the manager. He gave me the address of the off-site security office. I filled out some paperwork. Sally faxed it to corporate. Three minutes later, I'm buying pack of DVDs and burning a copy. Cake.
Luke: It's like a sickness.
Claire: What? None of you believed me, so I got proof. You should all be sucking it right now.
Gloria: Hey, please stop with the "sucking it," Claire. The children!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, okay. What's done is done! All you can do is learn from your mistakes. And in that spirit, I would like to propose a toast to Manny. This week, he did something he wasn't supposed to do, like we all do-
Gloria: Like we all do! Salud to Manny!
Jay: Uh, not yet. But Manny stood up like a man. He admitted he was wrong and he took his licks, and I'm damn proud of him.
Gloria: Ah, now we clink!
Jay: No, we clink when I say we clink. So Manny made a mistake, but he didn't take the easy way out. He's got guts, he's got integrity. As far as I'm concerned, he's the best little b-
Manny: Okay, stop! Stop! I didn't do any of that. Mom broke into the locker and threw the necklace inside, and then we ran away like cowards. I'm sorry, Jay! I'm sorry!
Jay: I knew it! I was right! I was right!
All: Oh.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Well, you're gonna hate this then, honey, but I'm gonna need you to go back down and sleep in your old room. I just- I'm worried if you get something so cool this early in your life, you're not gonna have anything to look forward to later.
Luke: I-I have to go now?
Claire: You can spend the night tonight here if you want.
Luke: Oh! No, if it's so important to you, I'll go now. You should come, too. Something sleeps over there.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] We're having the family over tomorrow night to tell them we're planning on adopting a new baby.
Mitchell: Yes, and we both agreed to- to go a little more low-key with the announcement this time.
[cut to Cam dancing with sparklers while "Let's Hear It for the Boy" plays"]
Mitchell: Okay, just to be clear, this is low-key?
Cameron: It's a banner and just some light musical accompaniment, Mitchell. I don't have a lower key.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, I'm a little freaked out about what Lily did.
Cameron: Oh, please. She barely touched him, and he went from zero to big crybaby.
Mitchell: We're talking about bringing another child into this house. How's that gonna work with Lily being so possessive of you?
Cameron: Why am I hearing an accusatory tone?
Mitchell: Oh, come on. You have to admit that you do coddle her.
Cameron: I will not apologize for loving our daughter.
Mitchell: I'm not criticizing. I'm not only criticizing, but we did talk about giving Lily a little more independence.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Lily, honey, did daddy pick you up early from preschool today?
Lily: No.
Cameron: Case closed.
Lily: We didn't go.
Mitchell: Case opened.
Lily: We went shopping.
Cameron: That's enough.
Lily: We bought matchy hats.
Cameron: You are going to your room.
Mitchell: You're both going to her room.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Could you "L" a little less "OL"? Don't you see what I'm trying to do here?
Haley: Die alone?

Quote from Alex

Alex: You know, why does Luke get his own room, and I still have to share with you? I can't take it anymore.
Haley: Me either, even if it is just for one more year, when I leave for college.
Alex: It is one more year or when you leave for college? Because those happen to be two different things.

Quote from Phil

Phil: So I hear this little voice coming from the cans and it's like "Help! I fell in the peaches!"
Luke: That's Mom! Hilarious!
Phil: So hilarious. I'm like, "Claire?"
Claire: You might wanna tell them that it was you who pushed me into the peaches in the first place.
Phil: This again? I wasn't even near you. Yes, you were! You knocked me with the cart. It was completely your fault. Well, let's just agree to disagree.
Claire: No. I-I disagree to disagree.
Phil: Then you agree.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Okay, Claire. You're right.
Haley: As usual.
Claire: No, I am right.
Alex: Like always.
Claire: Stop it. When I am wrong, I admit it.
Luke: Which is never.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You're a little jumpy tonight, Manny. Anything wrong?
Manny: No. Well, I'm just gonna-
Jay: Have a seat, kid. You know, maybe it's me, but I thought you were kinda squirrelly tonight, you know, before when your mom was on the phone with the principal. Almost like you wanted to say something, but you just couldn't. Anything you wanna say now, Manny?
Manny: No. I have nothing to say.
Jay: You sure about that? Think real hard.
Manny: Could I get a glass of water?
Jay: That girl's locket, you took it, didn't you?
Manny: Um.
Jay: Didn't you?
Manny: Yes.

Quote from Jay

Jay: don't wanna hear any excuses. You're gonna tell your mom, and you're gonna set this right. Do you understand? All right, get out of here. Just one more thing. You're not, um... You're not wearing that locket, are you?
Manny: No. Of course not. It's a girl's. Why would I want to wear it?
Jay: It's... No reason.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Mom, hurry up! I don't want to be late for school.
Jay: You didn't tell her, did you?
Gloria: What's the hurry this morning? Okay, what's with the looks? It's like a silent movie in here.

Quote from Jay

Manny: Okay, I was walking behind this girl Alicia, who's moving away, and I was working up the courage to get her new address so I can write her. I express myself a lot better on paper than-
Jay: Tick-tock, kid.
Manny: Well, she dropped her locket, and I picked it up, but she kept walking, and I-
Gloria: You stole the locket. After I told the principal that you could have never done something like that, and I threaten him with the Colombian necktie! Manny, why?
Jay: Don't worry. It wasn't 'cause he wanted to wear it.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Listen, you can't control what kids think, but you can make sure he learns from this. You take him to the principal's office, he owns up to it, he never does it again.
Gloria: Okay. Okay. But what was he thinking? This is not even real gold. [bites the locket]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Good morning, princess. Good morning, Lily.
Cameron: That's very adorable, Mitchell, but I'm having kind of a rough morning.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Um, look, I-I-I know this is hard, but I really appreciate what you're doing. And believe me, I take no pleasure in seeing you suffer like this.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I take a little pleasure. No, but there- There are very few parenting issues where I come out on top. You know, I'm distant. I work too much. My French braiding is "sloppy." Finally, you know, something that isn't my fault.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Ready.
Cameron: Okay. Could you please just go put her in her car seat while I compose myself?
Mitchell: All right, you know what, Cam? Why don't I just take Lily to preschool on my way to work?
Cameron: I think that would be best. Let me just whip up a smoothie for you before you go.
Lily: I push the buttons, Daddy.
Cameron: You certainly do.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Now promise me that you will never, ever do anything dishonest again.
Manny: I promise.
Gloria: Okay, because that's not the way I raised you. Don't tell Jay anything, okay?

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I have been told that I might have the teensiest issue with sharing. But is that something Lily would even pick up on?
[montage:]
Mitchell: My chicken.
Mitchell: My pillow.
Mitchell: Daddy's pen.
[back:]
Mitchell: Okay, it's possible. And I suppose for Lily's sake, I-I should work on that. Privately, because right now we really need to get Cam's coddling problem under control.

Quote from Claire

Claire: One night, if that. Trust me on this.
Alex: Oh, yes, because you're always right.
Claire: Sweetheart, I would love to be wrong. I just don't live with the right people for that.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Let it go, kids. She's not gonna budge. Kept me up all night with the-
Claire: Phil, you did push me!
Phil: Your word against mine. Guess it's one of those things we'll just never know, like what really happened to the "Titanic."
Claire: It hit an iceberg.
Phil: Maybe.
Claire: Mm, there's no maybe.
Phil: Oh, you're right, Claire.
Haley: Again.
Luke: Surprise, surprise.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: So, Manny, how'd it go with the principal today?
Gloria: It was terrible, but he was brave, and now it's over. Right, Manny?
Manny: Mm-hmm.
Jay: Mm. What'd they give you? Detention? Suspension?
Gloria: No, just a warning because it was first offense.
Gloria: So how was work?
Jay: Great. Just a warning, huh?
Manny: Like she said.
Gloria: So I ask about work, and you change the subject. Are you trying to hide something?
Jay: No, I just wanna make sure he's okay. You okay? 'Cause, I mean, it looks like you're sweatin' bullets back there, kid.
Gloria: Stop grilling him. First the principal, now you. This poor boy has been screamed at all day.
Manny: Well, not to mention-
Gloria: Quiet! I've got this.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Where is Lily?
Cameron: Um, she's getting dressed.
Claire: All by herself?
Mitchell: Cam is encouraging her to be more independent. And there she is! Doesn't she look beautiful?
Cameron: She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, she's getting worse. I have turned her into a pushy, little, entitled monster on her way to a rap sheet and a bracelet on her ankle. Oh, she has a bracelet on her ankle.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam. Cam, Cam, This- This might not be entirely your fault.
Cameron: No, it is.
Mitchell: I spoke with Lily's teacher, and she thinks that- That she may have a problem with sharing, which she might have gotten from-
Cameron: You. You don't like to share.
Mitchell: No, I do it to make a point sometimes. Like, if you want the chicken, then order the chicken.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Can we please just get through the evening?
Cameron: Yes, but we are not making the announcement tonight because that is a joyful thing, and I am not feeling very joyful right now.
Mitchell: Well, I share your feeling.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Just so you know, I'm on to you. You never took Manny to the principal. Okay, play it like that, but I know Manny. He has more of a conscience than you have. He's not gonna be able to live with this.
Gloria: You'd be surprised what people can live with, Jay.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Hi, miss Lily. How's my big girl doing?
Lily: Good.
Claire: Can you tell me how old you are now?
Lily: Three.
Claire: That's four. This is three. Okay, show me again. How old are you?
Lily: Three.
Claire: No! That many is four. This many is three.
Phil: Don't argue, Lily. You'll never win.

Quote from Phil

Jay: What the hell's happening here?
Phil: Is that from "Footloose"?

Quote from Phil

Jay: Oh, stop blaming each other. No kid wants a sibling. I mean, Claire hated you so much she stuck you in a dryer when you were two.
Mitchell: You put me in the dryer?
Claire: I did, but it wasn't 'cause I hated you. My friend Marci said that it wouldn't run with a kid inside it, and I knew it would. I was right.
Phil: Good governor. It's been going on since you were five?
Claire: Oh, my God. It is a sickness.

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: How long was I in that dryer? Because I- Is this why I'm afraid of tumbling? I had to quit gymnastics, Claire!
Phil: A childhood without tumbling? You knew this and just stood by and did nothing?!


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