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36Quotes from ‘Snow Ball’

Modern Family: Snow Ball

809. Snow Ball

Aired December 14, 2016

When Manny and Luke organize the school's lavish winter dance, they end up in over their heads following a communication error. As Gloria, Claire, Mitchell and Cameron chaperone the dance, Cameron is nervously waiting for his football team to prank him, Mitchell is offended by a gay student's sarcastic remarks, and Gloria and Claire try to d a distract an overeager parent volunteer. Meanwhile, Jay agrees to spend the evening with Phil just to get out of attending the dance.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, my God, I hate pranks so much. Now I'm gonna spend the whole dance paranoid wondering what they're gonna do. Is it gonna hurt? Am I gonna cry?
Mitchell: You're a clown. Isn't that mostly just pranking people?
Cameron: No, it is not. Clowns are loving and joyful. You know what? I was warned about this kind of ignorance.
Don't make me regret marrying outside the big top.

Quote from Claire

Claire: We got to keep our eyes peeled for kids trying to bring alcohol in here. I cannot make it through this thing without a drink.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Okay, we could go bowling.
Jay: Hmm. Had my league last night. I'm a little bowled out.
Phil: Fair enough. Round of mini golf?
Jay: Great idea. Wait up. I'll go get my frog and my slingshot. We'll hop on our bikes and go down there.
Phil: We could get something to eat.
Jay: Already ate.
Phil: Go to the movies?
Jay: Hate the lines.
Phil: How about a bar?
Jay: So, we drive across town, pay a 200% markup on the same glass of scotch I'm holding in my hand right now just so some drunken old broad can stagger over and tell me I look like Ernest Borgnine.

Quote from Phil

Phil: How about ice cream?
Jay: Too cold.
Phil: Coffee?
Jay: Too late.
Phil: Oh, wait a minute. I'm such an idiot. I forgot about the Clint Eastwood retrospective followed by the scotch tasting where famous athletes from the '70s tell stories about how life used to be in Youngstown.
Jay: Really?
Phil: No! It doesn't exist.

Quote from Luke

Manny: How could you let this happen?
Luke: I don't know. You were texting me while I was live streaming my breakfast, and... Wait a minute. I did say $800. Look.
Manny: Oh, my God, this is all my fault.
Luke: Well, well, well. Looks like the dunce cap is on the other foot.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Do you love our sweaters? I thought they would be perfect for the Snow Ball dance. I got them at the store where you buy things that go with the other things.
Phil: Oh, I know that place. That's where we got our Salt-N-Pepa salt and pepper shakers. Claire can never tell which one is which.
Claire: A confusing idea poorly executed. Stop implying I'm a racist.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Much as I'd love to meet this dingbat, how many chaperones do they really need? Takes one person to turn a garden hose on those dry humpers.

Quote from Jay

Phil: This is gonna be so great!
Jay: Sure it will. Maybe give them about a five-minute lag time before you hit the road.
Phil: What do you mean? You you said we were gonna do something together.
Jay: I was just trying to get us out of that stupid dance.
Phil: Oh. Okay.
Jay: Enjoy your night, Phil. I've got a date with an epic Western about a crooked sheriff, and I'm at the first of what I predict to be many wrongful hangings.

Quote from Claire

Gloria: Marjorie, 12:00.
Claire: Oh, God. Quick, pretend we're having a fight. Then she won't come over here. You stole my inheritance, you gold digger!
Gloria: Wow, you had that one ready to go.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Principal Brown. He's single. We could fix them up.
Gloria: At the Winter dance. That's so romantic.
Claire: Yes, and maybe she'll get off our backs if she spends more time on hers.
Gloria: You really are your father's son.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Principal Brown.
Principal Brown: Yep?
Manny: If we were to go over with the student council budget, how hard would it be to get a little extra money?
Principal Brown: Oh, no problem. We would just sell the Rembrandt in the faculty lounge.
Luke: See? Problem solved.
Manny: He's being sarcastic.

Quote from Manny

Girl: One, please.
Manny: That'll be $8, plus whatever tip you feel is appropriate.
Girl: It was free an hour ago.
Manny: You used to be able to throw a baby in the back seat without strapping it in. Times change, my friend.

Quote from Phil

Jay: What are you doing?
Phil: I don't care what you do, but I'm going into that dance. I like to see the kids all dressed up and happy and trying to look older than they are. The first girl I ever kissed was at a high school dance. Huh. It was actually to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." I guess that's why it was in my head. Let's just say the lion did not sleep that night. I was slamming Mountain Dews like a wild man.
Jay: Marsha Goulding. I had this huge crush on her. Finally got my nerve up to ask her to the Spring Fling. First dance, I was terrified. I'm tromping all over her feet. But as the dances went on, it got easier, and right in the middle of Sam Cooke singing "You Send Me," I went for it. I was just so surprised she kissed me back.
Phil: Well, you can't have your first kiss again, but you can have your next one right in there.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: If Phil is going, you are going. I don't like being the only person in the room without a husband. It's my one insecurity.
Jay: Phil's just trying to be nice. He doesn't want to go to this thing, either.
Phil: Actually, I was looking forward to it. Maybe meet some of these so-called cheerleaders. Watch their faces when I tell them we could kewpie a scorpion into a cradle catch and then pop up into a split extension. [chuckles] Most of that stuff's illegal now.

Quote from Phil

Jay: I think what Phil's trying to say is that he and I haven't had a boy's night in a good while. I mean, wouldn't it be nice to just hang out together, just you and me? What do you say, buddy?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What?!
[back:]
Phil: Might be nice to have a hang with my boy Jay. If it's fine with you.
Claire: Sure, it's the least I could do, because tomorrow you are going to help Luke with his homework while I visit wine country.
Gloria: [gasps] I want to go.
Phil: That's just what she calls lying on the trampoline drinking Chardonnay.

Quote from Manny

Manny: We're low on ice in bucket 12. Hey, hey, those crab cakes have to last all night. Push the cheese. Setlist? You're starting with "Get Lucky"? Come on, we're telling a story here.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Do you know what time it is? I thought you were gonna help me set up.
Luke: Sorry, buddy. I was worrying about the big-picture stuff. [two boys wheel in a big picture of Luke welcoming people to the dance] Hmm. Is there enough room for it here, or should I put it in the back entrance?
Manny: You can certainly put it in a back entrance.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, my gosh, doesn't everything look so lovely?
Mitchell: Well, it's high school. Dress it up all you want, it's still the place I spent four years being tormented by sadistic bullies.
Claire: Nice shirt, Michelle.
Cameron: Oh, you know what? Times have changed. In high school, did you ever imagine you'd end up with the football coach?
Mitchell: The football coach? No. The swim coach, Mr. Artino, almost nightly.

Quote from Gloria

Marjorie: Did you get my texts? Look what I've already confiscated. Oh, shameful.
Claire: I'll take that.
Marjorie: So, I still need volunteers to call parents for silent auction items. I've divided it into six-hour shifts, so if you switch ears every half-hour, it's actually not bad. Can I count on you two ladies?
Claire: I'm so busy, but I can't speak for Gloria.
Gloria: My phone English no so good.

Quote from Luke

Manny: I'm the one who made all this happen. Do you have any idea how hard it is doing all this for $8,000 Yeah, of course not, because-
Luke: Wait, wait, wait. The budget for this was $800. You spent $8,000? That's the budget for the whole year.
Manny: I texted you, "What's my budget for the Snow Ball." You replied $8,000, followed by a gratuitous gif of a guy getting hit in the nards.
Luke: It's like just don't skateboard down a railing, right? [chuckles]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, Cam. Uh, do you know a kid named Damien Warmack?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. Mean little kid.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: He fat shamed my whole defensive line. There's nothing more sad than watching a once terrifying nose tackle pick croutons out of his salad.
Mitchell: Oh, God, I'm so conflicted. A gay kid is now bullying football players, which I guess, you know, seems like progress, but the wrong kind of progress.

Quote from Cameron

Student: Would you like a-
Cameron: Oh! [tray clatters] In my defense, bruschetta mostly ends up on the floor anyway.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, I think you might be more worried about this prank than you need to be.
Cameron: Well, I just don't understand why they want to prank me. I thought they liked me.
Mitchell: Of course they like you. You can't prank someone you don't like. That's that's just assault. But pranking you is their bizarre way of saying that they love you.
Cameron: Is this your bizarre way of not validating my feelings?

Quote from Manny

Damien: Hey, Delgado. I hope this punch isn't as watered down as your performance in "A Streetcar Named Desire to Hang Myself."
Manny: Damien, you're just... You look... Damn it, I hate how much I like that jacket.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I know what you're doing.
Damien: Excuse me?
Mitchell: I know how hard it is to be a gay teen. In high school, I only had one friend.
Damien: Really? What was Oscar Wilde like?
Mitchell: You're lashing out. Because you're angry and you're insecure, and you just want everyone else to feel as bad as you do.
Damien: Maybe. But come on. It must've been easier for you looking like Michael Fassbender.
Mitchell: Nah. I do not look like- You think I look like Michael Fassbender?
Damien: Yeah, if he were older and shorter and played by Kathy Griffin.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, hey. That Damien Warmack kid is so mean. Honing in on these poor kids' insecurities and then just lacerating them. I-I don't look like Kathy Griffin, do I?
Cameron: I'll tell you what's mean, is my team making me wait all night for this damn prank.
Mitchell: Or, "Mitch, you're being ridiculous."You're a very handsome man, "and if you had to be played by a woman, "it would be a young Ann-Margret."

Quote from Phil

Phil: One time.
Jay: No, it's stupid.
Phil: Just try it.
Jay: I'm not doing it.
Phil: No one else is around.
Jay: I don't care.
Phil: Come on, I'll start. [singing] A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh [Jay joins in] A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh - A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, - In the jungle - A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh - The mighty jungle
Jay: All right, that's it! Get out. We're doing something else.

Quote from Gloria

Marjorie: My mom doesn't believe that Principal Brown likes me. Can you tell her?
Claire: [sighs] Gloria?
Gloria: My phone English no so good.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Marjorie is smart and organized, and if you ever need hand sanitizer or a Band-Aid, she always has it on her. She's like a sexy, sexy drugstore.

Quote from Claire

Claire: But, Principal Brown, you know what they say about a mom who's enthusiastic in the streets.
Principal Brown: That's not a saying. Why are the two of you suddenly so interested in my love life, anyway?
Claire: Because we care.
Principal Brown: You don't even know my first name.
Claire: Yes, we do. It's, um... Prince?
Principal Brown: Lucky guess.

Quote from Manny

Luke: I've got it. We start a fake marching band and get the money for the instruments up front.
Manny: You just described the exact plot of "The Music Man."
Luke: How'd that turn out?
Manny: Won four Tonys.
Damien: Five. Ugh.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey. Another proud moment for the struggle.
Damien: Ugh. Here she comes. Martin Luther Queen, yes. By all means, tell me about the struggle.
Mitchell: Okay, you nasty little twink. You owe everything to me and all the gays that came before you. It's because of everything we fought for that you get to snark your way through high school with lifts in your shoes instead of spending it terrified, shoved in a locker.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I was really proud of that.
[back:]
Damien: Wow. Just so you know. Exfoliating with a dry brush pre-shower will really help you with all of this. It'll make you look 50 again.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I'm not really proud of what came next.
[flashback to Mitchell shoving Damien in a locker:]
Damien: You shove like a girl!

Quote from Manny

Manny: Classmates, could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some troubling news. I know you may all think of me as the golden boy, the prodigy, the wunderkind.
Boy: Who are you?
Manny: Indeed. I'm not sure I know anymore.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hold on a minute. I'm the President. I should do this. We need to raise $8,000 for a classmate in need. If we don't get this money, he may never walk again. We're gonna make a Kickstarter, and if you want to show your date you're the kind of sensitive, caring person who deserves to be rewarded in a physical way, you'll give generously.
Manny: Wow, you're a good liar. I take it back. You deserve to be President.

Quote from Phil

Jay: We never should've helped that little punk get out of that locker.
Phil: I didn't know he was gonna be so brutal about your sweater.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Oh, hi there. I'm Luke Dunphy, Student Body President.
Manny: And I'm Manny-
Luke: But this isn't about us. We have a classmate who's in a pretty bad spot.
Manny: But it doesn't have to end that way.
Luke: With your help, we can save him from getting beaten up.
Manny: By by his disease.
Luke: A disease no kid should have to wrestle with.
Manny: We just need to raise $8,000 to-
Luke: Or $9,000 to get him that super deluxe treatment.
Manny: We only need $8,000-
Luke: I'm Luke Dunphy, and I approve this message.


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