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38Quotes from ‘The Day We Almost Died’

Modern Family: The Day We Almost Died

611. The Day We Almost Died

Aired January 7, 2015

On a drive out for a pancake breakfast, the Dunphy family and Manny have a near death experience, prompting everyone to reevaluate their lives. Claire decides to be less of a stickler, Phil wants to be a man of action, Haley and Alex try to be nicer to each other, Manny is afraid to ride in a car again, and Luke starts checking things off his bucket list.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] For many, a near-miss with death is a wake-up call. But when a man misses his own near-miss, he truly sees what he's been missing. No more putting my dreams on hold. Five years ago, I made a bucket list. It was time to start crossing things off.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!

Quote from Manny

Manny: The worst part is, I saw him grab it. I had a chance to do something and be a hero to my mom, but I froze.
Luke: What would you have done, made him the subject of a satirical cartoon?
Manny: Hey! Uh, they've taken down presidents.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [on the phone] White. Yes, I'm sure. Why is it so hard for you to imagine that a criminal can be white when most of the... Ah, the bicycle. Yes, yes, it was white.
Jay: I thought your phone got stolen?
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Calm down. This was a bad idea. Hop out.
Gloria: Good for you, Jay. It has to be when he is ready.
Jay: Nope. He's driving.
Gloria: What?
Manny: What? I-I can't.
Jay: You're doing it now. Jesús, take the wheel.

Quote from Manny

Jay: No way. You there. You there. We're doing this my way.
Gloria: Ah, yeah, 'cause it's your way or the highway.
Manny: Oh, God. Not the highway.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Over there! On the bike! The white guy that stole my phone!
Jay: I don't see anyone.
Gloria: Yes! He just turned the corner! The phone burglar! He's getting away!
Manny: Not this time.
Gloria: Up there to the left!
Jay: I don't see anyone!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I didn't see anyone either. I made it up. I am not going to drive my son around until he's 40. The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: [on the car phone] Hang on. Is that your hot wife I hear? Hey, is she still taking those yoga classes?
Phil: Hanging up.
Gil Thorpe: W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick. The listing at 225 cedar street, it's mine now.
Phil: You poached my listing?
Gil Thorpe: Poached it, seasoned it, and covered it in Thorpe-andaise sauce, my friend. You should thank me, dumpy. You're back in second place with your favorite view, my sweet behind.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Everybody calm down. Calm down. Let's not overreact.
Claire: What?!
Haley: Dad! We were almost just killed!
Alex: Yes!
Phil: Exactly. Almost, which means we're all just fine.
Claire: You aren't the least bit upset?
Phil: It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started with a whipped-cream smile on my waffle.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe speed.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, Phil, I wanted to support you on this. I'm a firm believer in livestock in the home, but you are out of control.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [answering car phone] Hello.
Gil Thorpe: Is this Phil dumpster?
Phil: What do you want, Gil?

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Hey.
Mitchell: Hey. Oh. Perfect. Okay, first you berate me on the phone, then you show up to my office and berate me in per- [Claire hugs Mitchell] Oh, w-what is this? I don't care for this.
Claire: We got in an accident.
Mitchell: Oh, my God!
Claire: We almost got in an accident.
Mitchell: That seems like a really important distinction.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Mitchell, you were 11 years old, and mom made me take you with me when I was skating with my friend Sophie King, and you were terrified to go through the underpass 'cause it was dark, and you were sure it was filled with monsters, so we ditched you.
Mitchell: I don't remember this at all.
Claire: Yeah, I skated away and called you a big baby.
Mitchell: Sophie threw a rock at me and you yelled, "You're so gay."
Claire: I did do that.Oh, didn't I? We used to use that word a lot. You used to be able to call anything gay. Ugh. Do you ever miss that?
Mitchell: No.
Claire: No. That's hurtful. Yeah. I'm sorry, Mitchell.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: What happened? What happened?
Mitchell: It w- It was terrible! They took my wallet and my skates and my tie. What what homeless person needs a tie?

Quote from Alex

Alex: About what you said in the car...
Haley: Please don't make fun of me right now.
Alex: No, I would never. It was actually really honest. And I need to stop taking shots at your intelligence.
Haley: You don't do it that often.
Alex: Well, you miss a lot of it. Oh. There, I did it again.
Haley: Did what?
Alex: Uh, it doesn't matter.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Ow. Ow!
Haley: If it were easy, everyone would be hot.
Alex: Yep, you know, I-it's not just my feet. It's from when I walked into the stop sign because you wouldn't give me back my-
Haley: Okay, fine. I'll give you back your man-goggles.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] 400 people liked this photo. I was not one of them. My art teacher made a pithy "blue period" comment, and my top prom prospect suddenly found a girlfriend in Canada.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Do you think I could get my sneakers back?
Haley: Oh, I threw them away with the rest of your clothes when you were in the changing room. I thought about saving them for the housekeeper, but I couldn't remember if she had a son.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [picking up her phone] Oh, my gosh. I thought I lost you again.
Alex: Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?
Haley: Oh, yeah, when we almost got killed, I thought I lost my phone. It was really scary.
Luke: Mentos-pramp-climb, test number two. Lesson learned when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.
Haley: Is your lip getting better or your face getting redder?

Quote from Manny

Manny: [aside to camera] I was already on edge. The day before, I was with my mom at the park when some guy on a bike swiped her phone. He must have been a criminal mastermind. He struck the one second she wasn't taking pictures of Joe.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Dad, turn down that song!
Phil: No can do.

Quote from Jay

Manny: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Jay: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

Quote from Jay

Manny: We were all almost killed by a truck.
Gloria: Ay! Dios Mio! Are you okay, papi?
Jay: This was all Phil's fault, wasn't it? He's always blaring that damn new wave music!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: He's terrified to be in the back. Now you're gonna put him in the front seat so that he can kill all of us?!
Jay: Can you not make this fear worse? I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark. Till he was seven, he'd only blink one eye at a time. Gave a lot of girls a very wrong idea.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh, no! He got away! But you did very good, Manny.
Manny: That was a frickin' rush! But we're not giving up. We're gonna find that guy.
Jay: No!
[later:]
Manny: Are you sure about this?
Jay: Just go. I'm walking home.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] What's to tell? A truck runs a stop sign, I avoid it, everyone walks away. Bing, bang, no boom.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Okay, it may have affected me a little, but sometimes it's hard to know what you're feeling. Mostly, I was thinking about racquetball later and hopefully giving Cam a nice spanking.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So, we're getting our new dryer delivered. It's supposed to be eggshell, but, oh, it's not eggshell It's white. Anyway, I'm laying into the delivery driver, and Mitchell strolls in and says, "oh, it's fine," and then offers him a piece of his banana loaf.
Phil: I heard that.
Cameron: Uh, just once, I would like Mitchell to take my side. I'm constantly strolling in and saving him like a little princess in the tower. Sometimes I'd like to be the princess.
Phil: Six of one, right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: I just stopped by to give you guys a little care package to show you there's no hard feelings.
Gil Thorpe: Class act, dung beetle.
Phil: Here's the malpractice attorney most of his clients have used after he's ripped them off. You will be losing some sleep, but these have always helped my wife. And this priest is retired, but I think he still does exorcisms, which you'll need after today.
Sam: Listen, Phil.
Gloria: It's okay. It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre realtor reduced to this.
Phil: Gil, please, let's keep this civil. Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again about my wife, I'll kill you. Sorry. That sounded like a joke. I will actually kill you. Anyhoo, when you guys wake up and smell the sulfur, here's a list of other realtors, and if you need me, I'll be in the office at 9:00... Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: Where did that come from?
Phil: Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer, princess?
Cameron: Oh, my.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I mean, Phil is usually just so... But then he was just, like, so... And then he got even more...

Quote from Phil

Rob: There's nothing I can do.
Phil: I can't go for that.
Cameron: No can do.
Phil: Cameron here bought an eggshell dryer.
Cameron: Not white, not oatmeal, not Swiss-coffee, not baby-powder, not bone.
Phil: Eggshell. Look, Rob, is it? That's interesting. Here's how this is going down... We don't leave without that eggshell dryer.
Cameron: Not swan-feather, not Chester-pig-white.
Phil: I think we've covered the colors. I sell houses to people every day who ask me where they should buy their dryer. I don't think you want me giving them any... static.
Ronaldo: I may have one in the back. But it takes two guys to load the truck, and it's just me today.
Phil: Is it?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] It was right about then that a question started nagging at me. ... Is Phil sexy?

Quote from Cameron

Phil: Hey. You feel like doing something a little crazy with me?
Cameron: What? No. What? No.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Cam, there's something that Claire would never approve of that I've always wanted to do.
Cameron: Always?
Phil: We're gonna want to put a blanket down on that backseat.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Mom, dad! There is a camel in the living room!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I see you've all met Jolene two. Sadly, the original Jolene that your mother made me return was cruelly adopted by a children's hospital. You see, something hit me this morning when that truck didn't hit me this morning I have not been in control of my own life. But those days are done. [knocks over glass of milk] Huh. Well, I guess I'm not in control of everything, am I? Funny, isn't it? You can try and try, but in the blink of an eye... [sobbing] You can lose everything that matters to you.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] Yes, I would like to leave a message. My husband ordered an eggshell dryer. Not talc, not parchment, eggshell.


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