Luke: [aside to camera] For many, a near-miss with death is a wake-up call. But when a man misses his own near-miss, he truly sees what he's been missing. No more putting my dreams on hold. Five years ago, I made a bucket list. It was time to start crossing things off.

Cameron: This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!

Jay: No way. You there. You there. We're doing this my way.
Gloria: Ah, yeah, 'cause it's your way or the highway.
Manny: Oh, God. Not the highway.

Manny: The worst part is, I saw him grab it. I had a chance to do something and be a hero to my mom, but I froze.
Luke: What would you have done, made him the subject of a satirical cartoon?
Manny: Hey! Uh, they've taken down presidents.

Gloria: [on the phone] White. Yes, I'm sure. Why is it so hard for you to imagine that a criminal can be white when most of the... Ah, the bicycle. Yes, yes, it was white.
Jay: I thought your phone got stolen?
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Jay: Calm down. This was a bad idea. Hop out.
Gloria: Good for you, Jay. It has to be when he is ready.
Jay: Nope. He's driving.
Gloria: What?
Manny: What? I-I can't.
Jay: You're doing it now. Jesús, take the wheel.

Gloria: Over there! On the bike! The white guy that stole my phone!
Jay: I don't see anyone.
Gloria: Yes! He just turned the corner! The phone burglar! He's getting away!
Manny: Not this time.
Gloria: Up there to the left!
Jay: I don't see anyone!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I didn't see anyone either. I made it up. I am not going to drive my son around until he's 40. The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Gil Thorpe: [on the car phone] Hang on. Is that your hot wife I hear? Hey, is she still taking those yoga classes?
Phil: Hanging up.
Gil Thorpe: W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick. The listing at 225 cedar street, it's mine now.
Phil: You poached my listing?
Gil Thorpe: Poached it, seasoned it, and covered it in Thorpe-andaise sauce, my friend. You should thank me, dumpy. You're back in second place with your favorite view, my sweet behind.

Phil: Everybody calm down. Calm down. Let's not overreact.
Claire: What?!
Haley: Dad! We were almost just killed!
Alex: Yes!
Phil: Exactly. Almost, which means we're all just fine.
Claire: You aren't the least bit upset?
Phil: It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started with a whipped-cream smile on my waffle.

Gil Thorpe: Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe speed.