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‘The Day We Almost Died’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: The Day We Almost Died

611. The Day We Almost Died

Aired January 7, 2015

On a drive out for a pancake breakfast, the Dunphy family and Manny have a near death experience, prompting everyone to reevaluate their lives. Claire decides to be less of a stickler, Phil wants to be a man of action, Haley and Alex try to be nicer to each other, Manny is afraid to ride in a car again, and Luke starts checking things off his bucket list.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [aside to camera] For many, a near-miss with death is a wake-up call. But when a man misses his own near-miss, he truly sees what he's been missing. No more putting my dreams on hold. Five years ago, I made a bucket list. It was time to start crossing things off.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!

Quote from Manny

Jay: No way. You there. You there. We're doing this my way.
Gloria: Ah, yeah, 'cause it's your way or the highway.
Manny: Oh, God. Not the highway.

Quote from Manny

Manny: The worst part is, I saw him grab it. I had a chance to do something and be a hero to my mom, but I froze.
Luke: What would you have done, made him the subject of a satirical cartoon?
Manny: Hey! Uh, they've taken down presidents.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [on the phone] White. Yes, I'm sure. Why is it so hard for you to imagine that a criminal can be white when most of the... Ah, the bicycle. Yes, yes, it was white.
Jay: I thought your phone got stolen?
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Calm down. This was a bad idea. Hop out.
Gloria: Good for you, Jay. It has to be when he is ready.
Jay: Nope. He's driving.
Gloria: What?
Manny: What? I-I can't.
Jay: You're doing it now. Jesús, take the wheel.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Over there! On the bike! The white guy that stole my phone!
Jay: I don't see anyone.
Gloria: Yes! He just turned the corner! The phone burglar! He's getting away!
Manny: Not this time.
Gloria: Up there to the left!
Jay: I don't see anyone!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I didn't see anyone either. I made it up. I am not going to drive my son around until he's 40. The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: [on the car phone] Hang on. Is that your hot wife I hear? Hey, is she still taking those yoga classes?
Phil: Hanging up.
Gil Thorpe: W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick. The listing at 225 cedar street, it's mine now.
Phil: You poached my listing?
Gil Thorpe: Poached it, seasoned it, and covered it in Thorpe-andaise sauce, my friend. You should thank me, dumpy. You're back in second place with your favorite view, my sweet behind.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Everybody calm down. Calm down. Let's not overreact.
Claire: What?!
Haley: Dad! We were almost just killed!
Alex: Yes!
Phil: Exactly. Almost, which means we're all just fine.
Claire: You aren't the least bit upset?
Phil: It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started with a whipped-cream smile on my waffle.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe speed.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: You know, Phil, I wanted to support you on this. I'm a firm believer in livestock in the home, but you are out of control.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [answering car phone] Hello.
Gil Thorpe: Is this Phil dumpster?
Phil: What do you want, Gil?

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: Hey.
Mitchell: Hey. Oh. Perfect. Okay, first you berate me on the phone, then you show up to my office and berate me in per- [Claire hugs Mitchell] Oh, w-what is this? I don't care for this.
Claire: We got in an accident.
Mitchell: Oh, my God!
Claire: We almost got in an accident.
Mitchell: That seems like a really important distinction.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Mitchell, you were 11 years old, and mom made me take you with me when I was skating with my friend Sophie King, and you were terrified to go through the underpass 'cause it was dark, and you were sure it was filled with monsters, so we ditched you.
Mitchell: I don't remember this at all.
Claire: Yeah, I skated away and called you a big baby.
Mitchell: Sophie threw a rock at me and you yelled, "You're so gay."
Claire: I did do that.Oh, didn't I? We used to use that word a lot. You used to be able to call anything gay. Ugh. Do you ever miss that?
Mitchell: No.
Claire: No. That's hurtful. Yeah. I'm sorry, Mitchell.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: What happened? What happened?
Mitchell: It w- It was terrible! They took my wallet and my skates and my tie. What what homeless person needs a tie?

Quote from Alex

Alex: About what you said in the car...
Haley: Please don't make fun of me right now.
Alex: No, I would never. It was actually really honest. And I need to stop taking shots at your intelligence.
Haley: You don't do it that often.
Alex: Well, you miss a lot of it. Oh. There, I did it again.
Haley: Did what?
Alex: Uh, it doesn't matter.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Ow. Ow!
Haley: If it were easy, everyone would be hot.
Alex: Yep, you know, I-it's not just my feet. It's from when I walked into the stop sign because you wouldn't give me back my-
Haley: Okay, fine. I'll give you back your man-goggles.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] 400 people liked this photo. I was not one of them. My art teacher made a pithy "blue period" comment, and my top prom prospect suddenly found a girlfriend in Canada.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Do you think I could get my sneakers back?
Haley: Oh, I threw them away with the rest of your clothes when you were in the changing room. I thought about saving them for the housekeeper, but I couldn't remember if she had a son.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [picking up her phone] Oh, my gosh. I thought I lost you again.
Alex: Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?
Haley: Oh, yeah, when we almost got killed, I thought I lost my phone. It was really scary.
Luke: Mentos-pramp-climb, test number two. Lesson learned when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.
Haley: Is your lip getting better or your face getting redder?

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