Alex: Hey, mom, can you take me driving? My test is coming up, and I really need to practice.
Claire: Oh, honey, I would, but I've got a big closets and blinds union meeting today.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: There is no closets and blinds union. Driving with Alex is torture. She drives so slowly. I have to be the only parent who slams on the imaginary gas.

Phil: Hey, honey.
Claire: Oh, you're just in time for breakfast.
Luke: Ooh, we should probably go light on the food. Something tells me we're not gonna want to do this on a full stomach. I can't believe there's such a thing as autopsy camp.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: There is no such thing as autopsy camp. I had to trick Luke 'cause I'm actually taking him to a ballroom-dance class. He's been resisting, but it's in his blood. I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys -- a kick line, actually.

Haley: Hey, I'm not doing anything. I guess I could take her.
Alex: Great! I'll go check the tire pressure and the fluid levels!
Haley: Fun! Can't wait! Be out in a sec! [to Claire] Okay, my rate just went up.
Claire: All right, but this buys your time and your silence. Alex can never know how much I hate driving with her. [horn honks] Mm, she's in a hurry today.
Haley: Oh, that's just step one of her nine-point safety test. Step two is checking the horn to make sure checking the horn didn't break the horn. [horn honks]
Claire: She should never drive.

Luke: Forget it! You tricked me!
Phil: I'm sorry, buddy, but no son of mine's going to High School without at least knowing how to do a proper box step. Trust me, dancers always get the girls. Remember the great Kevin Bacon from "Footloose"?
Luke: More like "Footloser."
Phil: Careful! All right, no more talking. We're doing this. You'll thank me someday. It gets better when you find your signature move! They used to call me "King of the Dips"!

Gloria: Manny, whose coat is that?
Manny: Amy Martin left it here last night after my party. I was getting some pretty strong signals from her. I think she did it on purpose so she'd have an excuse to come back.
Jay: Or because she couldn't get out fast enough. If she was a cartoon, she'd have left her skin here.

Jay: I overheard him talking to Reuben. There's some girl that really likes him, but of course Manny's not interested in her. He's got to go for the head cheerleader.
Gloria: How do you know that Amy's the head cheerleader?
Jay: I overheard that, too.
Gloria: For someone whose favorite words at the movies are, "What did he say?" you overhear pretty good.

Mitchell: Oh, wait, um, I'm sorry. Is this price per person?
Mr. Quigley: Yes, excluding alcohol, cake, and music.
Mitchell: What's that, the mennonite package?

Phil: Well, somebody smells good. What perfume is that?
Luke: Every perfume! Twenty of the geekiest girls God ever fouled this planet with and just me dancing with all of them! During the Charleston, my hair got caught in one of their headgear!
Phil: Wow, Charleston on the first day?
Luke: Last day! Just because you're a dancer doesn't mean I have to be one, too, cha cha cha. Damn it! I'm never gonna fall for one of your lies again. Just take me to autopsy camp. [police siren wails]
Phil: Oh, shoot. Am I gonna get a ticket?
Luke: If there's any justice, it'll be a big one, too, three, and four. Damn it!

Luke: This is what you get for lying to me.
Phil: What choice did I have? You used to be up for anything. Now, no matter what I suggest, it's no, no, no.
Luke: It's called growing up and having your own interests, like the minister's daughter in your precious "Footloose."
Phil: Wow, using my own movie against me. Let's hear it for the boy.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Two of my students, Tracy and Sophie, BFFs, were planning on having a joint sweet 16 together until they got in a fight over a boy, Rodney. Now Tracy is planning on having her own party at the Carriage House.
Mitchell: Our venue, our date. So, our solution: talk to them, patch things up so that they have their party together again at the original location.
Cameron: Friends fighting over a boy, something we know a thing or two about.
Mitchell: Of course, usually it's gay men, not teenage girls, so we will have to adjust our approach just a... Not at all.