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36Quotes from ‘And One to Grow On’

Modern Family: And One to Grow On

511. And One to Grow On

Aired January 8, 2014

Luke is furious after Phil tricks him into taking a dance class. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria worry that Manny might be courting a girl who is out of his league, and Mitchell and Cameron lose their chosen wedding venue.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Hey, mom, can you take me driving? My test is coming up, and I really need to practice.
Claire: Oh, honey, I would, but I've got a big closets and blinds union meeting today.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: There is no closets and blinds union. Driving with Alex is torture. She drives so slowly. I have to be the only parent who slams on the imaginary gas.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, honey.
Claire: Oh, you're just in time for breakfast.
Luke: Ooh, we should probably go light on the food. Something tells me we're not gonna want to do this on a full stomach. I can't believe there's such a thing as autopsy camp.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: There is no such thing as autopsy camp. I had to trick Luke 'cause I'm actually taking him to a ballroom-dance class. He's been resisting, but it's in his blood. I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys -- a kick line, actually.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Hey, I'm not doing anything. I guess I could take her.
Alex: Great! I'll go check the tire pressure and the fluid levels!
Haley: Fun! Can't wait! Be out in a sec! [to Claire] Okay, my rate just went up.
Claire: All right, but this buys your time and your silence. Alex can never know how much I hate driving with her. [horn honks] Mm, she's in a hurry today.
Haley: Oh, that's just step one of her nine-point safety test. Step two is checking the horn to make sure checking the horn didn't break the horn. [horn honks]
Claire: She should never drive.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Forget it! You tricked me!
Phil: I'm sorry, buddy, but no son of mine's going to High School without at least knowing how to do a proper box step. Trust me, dancers always get the girls. Remember the great Kevin Bacon from "Footloose"?
Luke: More like "Footloser."
Phil: Careful! All right, no more talking. We're doing this. You'll thank me someday. It gets better when you find your signature move! They used to call me "King of the Dips"!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Manny, whose coat is that?
Manny: Amy Martin left it here last night after my party. I was getting some pretty strong signals from her. I think she did it on purpose so she'd have an excuse to come back.
Jay: Or because she couldn't get out fast enough. If she was a cartoon, she'd have left her skin here.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I overheard him talking to Reuben. There's some girl that really likes him, but of course Manny's not interested in her. He's got to go for the head cheerleader.
Gloria: How do you know that Amy's the head cheerleader?
Jay: I overheard that, too.
Gloria: For someone whose favorite words at the movies are, "What did he say?" you overhear pretty good.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, wait, um, I'm sorry. Is this price per person?
Mr. Quigley: Yes, excluding alcohol, cake, and music.
Mitchell: What's that, the mennonite package?

Quote from Luke

Phil: Well, somebody smells good. What perfume is that?
Luke: Every perfume! Twenty of the geekiest girls God ever fouled this planet with and just me dancing with all of them! During the Charleston, my hair got caught in one of their headgear!
Phil: Wow, Charleston on the first day?
Luke: Last day! Just because you're a dancer doesn't mean I have to be one, too, cha cha cha. Damn it! I'm never gonna fall for one of your lies again. Just take me to autopsy camp. [police siren wails]
Phil: Oh, shoot. Am I gonna get a ticket?
Luke: If there's any justice, it'll be a big one, too, three, and four. Damn it!

Quote from Phil

Luke: This is what you get for lying to me.
Phil: What choice did I have? You used to be up for anything. Now, no matter what I suggest, it's no, no, no.
Luke: It's called growing up and having your own interests, like the minister's daughter in your precious "Footloose."
Phil: Wow, using my own movie against me. Let's hear it for the boy.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Two of my students, Tracy and Sophie, BFFs, were planning on having a joint sweet 16 together until they got in a fight over a boy, Rodney. Now Tracy is planning on having her own party at the Carriage House.
Mitchell: Our venue, our date. So, our solution: talk to them, patch things up so that they have their party together again at the original location.
Cameron: Friends fighting over a boy, something we know a thing or two about.
Mitchell: Of course, usually it's gay men, not teenage girls, so we will have to adjust our approach just a... Not at all.

Quote from Haley

Alex: You are in so much trouble.
Haley: Oh, don't you think I know that?! What am I gonna do?!
Alex: You're going to get what you deserve. A parking violation is second only to a moving violation, which is grounds for the loss of a driving privilege. Privilege, not a right.
Haley: Oh, my God, shut up! This is why mom pays me to drive with you!
Alex: What?
Haley: Where do you think she's calling me from, the Closet and Blinds Union? Why would closet workers and blind people even have a union together?! Think!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I love the sign!
Andy: Uh, I'm not sure. First, I thought just a little accent of color was all it needed, but now I'm thinking balloons.
Gloria: Jay, what do you like better, the accent or the balloons?
Jay: I've been asking myself that since I met you.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Hi, Phil. I heard about jail. How are you doing?
Phil: It was rough. Stayed in that cold cell a lot longer than I needed to thanks to my lovely-
Claire: Your system is ridiculous, Phil.
Phil: Quite simple, actually! "Cheddah" rhymes with "hedda." Where do you rest your head on? Your pilla!

Quote from Manny

Manny: [on the phone] Yeah, she's still doing it, following me around all moony-eyed. She just won't get the message. But on the bright side, Amy's on her way over.
Jay: We need to talk.
Manny: Got to go, Reuben. [hangs up] What's up?
Jay: It's about your love life.
Manny: A lot of people here, Jay.
Jay: Consider it an intervention. Now, this whole Amy thing is going nowhere, but it sounds like you have a girl that really likes you. Now, I know it's not everything you want. M-maybe she's a little thick in the middle. I don't know. But why don't you give her a try?
Manny: So you think that's the girl I should go for?
Jay: She's obviously crazy about you. I mean, what else do you even know about her?
Lily: Hi, Manny.
Manny: Well, she's 6 and related to me. Shall I go on?

Quote from Phil

Luke: Come on, we don't want to be late, like the guy we're gonna see on the table. Am I right?
Phil: Of corpse you are.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Why can't we just repurpose some of the stuff from Manny's party last night? We got half a cake left. The balloons are fine.
Gloria: It's bad enough that both my sons have to share the same birthday. At least they deserve their own party.
Jay: You think Joe's gonna mind day-old cake? He can't even eat it. He's got three teeth.
Gloria: I'll remember that in 20 years when you want cake.

Quote from Andy

Jay: He doesn't even know the party's for him.
Gloria: He understands more than you think. Right, Andy?
Andy: Who, F-Jo here? He is smart as a whip. When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he's ahead of me.
Jay: Not exactly "Clash of the Titans."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You're not having last-minute jitters, are you?
Mitchell: No, no, but it's a really large deposit, and I want to make sure that we're absolutely certain about this place.
Cameron: Well, I'm certain, and we've looked at every possible venue. And Pepper was by far the least snarky about this one.
Mitchell: That's true. He doesn't throw the word "adequate" around lightly.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, okay, it's this place.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: But stop being so excited, all right? We might be able to get the price down a little bit.
Cameron: [excitedly] Okay, okay, poker face, poker face.
Mitchell: Yeah, now work on your poker voice.
Cameron: Poker voice.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Wait, did Tracy McCoy book this room? Tracy McCoy's a student of mine. Okay, I may have a plan.
Mitchell: I am not having a wedding/"Hunger Games"-themed sweet 16 par- Oh, you're tapping your fingers. You really do have a plan.

Quote from Phil

Police Officer: I'm sorry, but I have to place you under arrest.
Phil: Wait, what?!
Police Officer: A car registered to you has accumulated 18 unpaid parking violations, all on campus drive.
Phil: Oh, my God, those are my daughter's tickets!
Luke: He's got an answer for everything.
Police Officer: I got to take you down to the station house. [to Luke] You can ride up front with me.
Phil: Seriously, can't I just pay you for them now?!
Police Officer: At the station house, sir.
Phil: Can we at least not drive by Middle Earth comics and Trampoline World?! People look up to me in this town!

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has $1,000 hidden in the house, and he's made up a crazy mnemonic device to remember the location, which he changes every month to stay ahead of the bad guys. What bad guys?
[flashback:]
Phil: "Loot" rhymes with "coot," which takes us to... this picture of your grandfather.
[flashback:]
Phil: "Moola" sounds like "coola."
Claire: Not a word.
Phil: Money is in the air-conditioning vent.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Okay, that's a lot of mirror looking, and that's me saying that. Good, good. Nice cruising speed. Oh, look, there's that jogger. Now we're in the lead.
Alex: Can we put the brakes on the sarcasm?
Haley: They're worn out.

Quote from Jay

Andy: Excuse me, waiter. Could you please tell me about the surf and turf? Mr. Lobster says "It's terrible!" While Mr. Cow goes, "I think you should probably just have the pasta."
Jay: Dada.
Andy: No, no, no, little man. That's your dada right there with the drinky.
Jay: Over-explaining.
Andy: Don't feel bad. He's just making sounds. He may not even know what the "d" word means.
Jay: I'm fine. He's 1. I've watched him pee into his own face and smile.

Quote from Claire

Claire: "Bucks" rhymes with "nyuks", Three Stooges. Damn it! [later] "Wampum," "pom-pom", cheerleading costume. Come on. Oh, my God, really? [later] "Bank," "sank", novelization of the movie "Titanic." Then why do we keep that thing?! Oh, Phil, of course! Of course, because "dough" rhymes with- I don't care. I don't care.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Yeah, thanks a lot, Sophie.
Mitchell: Well, Tracy really was out of line.
Cameron: Was she?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Or was Sophie, per usual, being a big drama queen?
Mitchell: Drama queen? No, Tracy was spreading rumors that Sophie's boyfriend was still into Maya.
Cameron: They weren't rumors. She heard it directly from someone who saw Maya and Rodney holding hands at the pier.
Mitchell: Cam, who? Dana! Yeah, like she can be trusted. This is Aidan all over again.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: This is so frustrating!
Cameron: Really? Are you sure that's how you feel, or do you need a little more time to think about it?
Mitchell: Sounds like you're trying to make a point there.
Cameron: Wow, I'm surprised you picked up on that so quick.
Mitchell: Yeah, you're definitely dancing around something. I feel like it's speed-related.
Cameron: Yeah, we lost the Carriage House because you, true to form, couldn't make a timely decision.
Mitchell: We were out of the room for two second- What is this "True to form" business?
Cameron: 28 Richdale Road.
Mitchell: Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Cameron: You hemmed and hawed over our dream house, and now somebody else is eating breakfast in our nook!
Mitchell: I needed the weekend! I never saw myself in a ranch!
Cameron: And what about Las Vegas when you couldn't quite commit to the show?
Mitchell: No. No, no, don't.
Cameron: No, no, no, it's fine. We'll see them next time, just as soon as that tiger un-eats Roy.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I've been combing through Manny's yearbook. I found a few girls he might have a shot with. Happen to know what Lisa Nagel's like from the neck down?
Gloria: I didn't tell him what you told me to say.
Jay: What? Why?
Gloria: Because he told me what he's going to do when Amy comes here, and it's beautiful. I think he has a better chance than you think. He knows how to talk to girls.
Jay: He knows how to talk to a girl, you. I hope you have a recent picture of his heart. You're gonna need it putting the pieces back together.

Quote from Haley

Alex: What kind of parents lie to their kids?!
Luke: Yeah, what kind of lesson is that to teach all of this?
Alex: Yeah, seriously, sometimes I want-
Haley: Hey, neither one of you knows the whole story. Ah, please. Let me tell them the truth. Alex, the real reason mom doesn't want to teach you to drive is because she doesn't want you getting your license.
Alex: What?
Haley: Think about it. Mom driving you around is kind of her favorite time with you. It's the only place where your nose isn't buried in a book and she can actually talk to you. Sure, you're getting your license, but she's losing her little girl.
Alex: Mom, is that true?
Claire: Come here.

Quote from Haley

Haley: And the only reason dad lied to you is... Should I tell him, Dad?
Phil: Fine.
Haley: Dad was a huge nerd in college. He asked Mom out like 10 times, and she always said no. Finally, he said, "I'll never bug you again if you do one thing."
Phil: Just one.
Haley: "Dance with me."
Phil: Just dance.
Haley: He spun her around on the floor and expressed himself with his body in a way he never could with words.
Phil: That's beautiful.
Haley: Mom finally saw the dad that we all know and love.
Luke: And you wanted to give that to me?
Phil: Come here.

Quote from Claire

Haley: We can discuss my punishment later.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Did she learn that from us?
Claire: That can't be taught. It is a gift.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Who's Amy?
Manny: This girl Jay doesn't think is into me, but she left her coat here. Why else would a person do that?
Jay: By that logic, I love Denny's.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, I'm in the Jay camp. When you meet the right person, bang! That's what happened with- How long?
Claire: Uh, six months?
Mitchell: Six months. Yikes.
Phil: But you were preg-- tically engaged to me by then.
Alex: Mm, nice save, Dad.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Aww, how cute! He wants cake!
Jay: No, no, listen, listen, listen! What's he saying?
Joe: Jay.
Jay: Jay! He's saying, "Jay"! He knows me! And that "J" word, that's harder to say than "dada"! He's a genius. Come here.

Quote from Lily

Manny: So, it took you six months, huh, Phil? I can do six months.
Lily: I'll be here!
Cameron: I'm not loving this.

Quote from Luke

Claire: His door is still closed. What is he doing in there?
Phil: I think we both know what he's doing in there.
Claire: He's been at it for hours.
Phil: That's how I was at his age.
Claire: He's gonna wear himself out. You should talk to him.
Phil: I don't want to embarrass him.
Claire: So, knock first.
Phil: Maybe you're right. I don't want him doing it wrong and getting hurt. Luke? [knocks] I'm coming in. Hey, man. Buddy!
[Luke is wearing headphones and is practicing ballroom dancing]
Luke: Dad?! Get out of here!
Phil: Don't be embarrassed, son. It's perfectly natural!
Luke: Get out!


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