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30Quotes from ‘Whanex?’

Modern Family: Whanex?

1013. Whanex?

Aired January 23, 2019

Jay laments the loss of the old way of doing business. Cameron is hoping for a promotion at work, but will be take the noble path to get it? Meanwhile, Gloria tricks Phil and Joe into auditioning for a ad campaign.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, yeah, but college isn't necessarily the right path for every-
Principal Brown: Tucker, are you familiar with the term "Golden Apple"?
Cameron: I am. I'm a little surprised it's made its way into the straight vernacular. It's still illegal in Alabama.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Can't we have this meeting in the conference room? You know, where we all sit around a table, there's a nice breakfast spread? I am tired of having to keep cream cheese in my desk.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: All right. We heard from our college-going sheep. Now, Luke, you wisely took a gap year, got a job, made mad stacks, and invested a little, correct?
Luke: Totally. I own 300 microrubels, a Russian cryptocurrency I heard about on Facebook, which currently, you can only use to buy a Chechen party drug called Frankenstein.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Dad, we can bail on the whole thing.
Jay: You know what I need to bail on? Being such a little peach.
Claire: Hmm?
Jay: What? They bruise easily. It could be an expression. I don't know.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hey, Dad, our video conference is about to start.
Jay: Can we make it fast? I have that sales meeting offsite. Hence the power threads and box of cigars.
Claire: Whoa! Dad, it's 10:00 in the morning. Mm.Ohh!
Jay: I don't swallow it. He smells it on my breath, he lets his guard down. In minutes, I'm taking him in a way that would make a prison guard blush. It's the way gentlemen do business.
Claire: Well, I am sorry to ruin your Glengarry, Glenlivet fun, but that meeting got canceled.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Dad, you know why we do it this way. We have people working here. We've got people working from home. We've got people working all over the world. Tiffany is in Berlin at KlausetSchvarg.
Jay: They still have that conference? I thought they shut that down in the '80s after we used that sweater hutch to smuggle that dissident out during East KlausetSchvarg.

Quote from Manny

Cameron: Now, Manny, no one can doubt the real-world value of an art degree, but talk a little bit about the exciting social scene.
Manny: It's funny you ask. I went to a wine and cheese mixer at the Dean's house the other night. He collects instruments of indigenous people. And by the time we killed the last bit of a chewy Zinfandel, our jam sesh started to sound like a didgeri-don't. [chuckles] Thank you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] After fighting with everybody all day, I was starting to think maybe I was the jerk. So I ended up back at the old office, you know, trying to figure out what it was about going to work there that I loved so much.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on video] Congratulations. You've been hired at Pritchett's Closets, Blinds, and Waterbeds. I'm Jay Pritchett. Welcome to the team. [cheers and applause] You hear that? They're cheering for you already. That's something we value here... teamwork. And whether you're in sales or shipping or one of those cute tomatoes in the steno pool, you're important, 'cause we're family here. Wait a minute! Who's this new employee?
Claire: It's me. Claire, Daddy.
Jay: Oh, right! It's Claire!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [on video] Are you feeling shy, Claire?
Claire: [in real life] Uh... Yeah, I guess I am a little. Um...
Jay: How old are you?
Claire: You're right. Just come out and say it. Um... I'm worried that you're unhappy we sold the company and you're blaming it on me.
Jay: You're making that face like you have to go potty.
Claire: [exhales sharply] I'm anxious and... How can you even see my face?
Jay: She's my daughter. She thinks she runs the place.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I think maybe I need to try to be a little bit more like you and give this new thing a chance.
Claire: You know, they're not so bad when you get past the... the hipster beards and the sweaty handshakes.
Jay: Tell me about that printer guy, Eduardo. What the hell is 3-D printing anyway?
Claire: Look at you trying. Oh, Dad! Okay, -D printing is when you take three lasers and you can scan any object you want. You... You want to 3-D print your butt, don't you?
Jay: We want them to like me, don't we?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: That was me years ago.
Phil: [laughs] That's amazing. But what are you so upset about? You're just as beautiful now as you were then.
Gloria: Aww. I know. It's just that it was a time in my life where I was out there hustling, modeling, driving a taxi, selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside a nightclub. Seeing them taking it down made me feel like that version of me is gone forever.
Phil: So that's why you wanted to start modeling again.
Gloria: I just miss being passionate about something again. The way that you feel passionate about real estate.
Phil: Mm.
Gloria: You always seem, like, so alive, making new deals, meeting new people.
Phil: Have you ever thought about becoming a Realtor?
Gloria: Who hasn't?

Quote from Phil

Gloria: I bought a book one time to learn how to do it, but you know how it is. Sometimes in life, you just get stuck.
Phil: I think you'd be great at it. Really. I'd buy anything from you. I'm thinking about getting my chompers bleached, and there's only half of you up there.

Quote from Phil

Virtual Claire: May I help you with your clothes?
Phil: Ooh. I guess we are the only ones here.
Virtual Claire: Perhaps we'll start with the pants.
Phil: Wow. [belt rustles] Normally, you like a little slow shirt unbuttoning, but I guess we... are cutting to the chase.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Welcome. Most of you know me as Acting Vice Principal Tucker, but today, I am your guide to the future... [quieter] the future... the future.
Mitchell: Okay, so you didn't take my note on the echo.
Cameron: Mitchell, I can't take another negative voice in my head. I'm already freaking out about Principal Brown.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I kind of have a bully at school.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hey, world, there's a new power couple on the horizon.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Cam and Mitch. Citch... No, that sounds weird. Mam...
Mitchell: We'll find it.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Thank you so much for helping out with Joe.
Joe: You don't think it's too flashy?
Phil: What are you talking about? You're taking a magic class. You want to show them you're serious. It's abracadabra, not abraca-drab-ra.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] I saw that poster last week. It kind of reminded me of a long time ago when I used to do a little modeling. I guess I miss it. I tricked Phil into going to the mall because I knew that Jay wouldn't do it with me.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Oh, come on, guys. This is gonna be so much fun.
Joe: I don't know. This kid in my class did a cough syrup commercial. Now he's always going to the teachers' lounge to call his manager. He's the worst.

Quote from Cameron

Principal Brown: Well, looks like you're gonna get a pretty solid turnout, Tucker. Now close the deal. Hey, what is, uh, "whanex"?
Cameron: It's the way the kids say "What's next?" You know, if you want to reach them, you have to learn to speak their language.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Massive screw-up at the print shop. I-I have no idea how it happened!
[flashback:]
Cameron: [on the phone] Yeah, that's right. The banner should read... [eating a protein bar] whanex. Okay. Yeah, whanex. Uh-huh.

Quote from Luke

Cameron: Welcome, students, to the first annual "whanex" seminar. Let's, uh, just jump right into it and meet our panelists. We have two bright, young people who chose the college path and two wayward souls whose mistakes we can only hope to learn from.
Luke: 'Sup, Dolphins?

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] Within half an hour, I had recorded all the voice prompts for the new smart-closet, and they installed it in the prototype right in the office. Everyone seemed really happy, but I don't get it. I mean... [sultry voice] a voice is just a voice.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, good. Dad, you're back. Please step into our new smart-closet prototype.
Jay: So you can yell at me for bailing on the meeting this morning?
Claire: Just... You'll see.
Virtual Claire: May I help choose an outfit for you?
Jay: 'Cause I'm some old fossil that still puts on a suit to go to work?
Virtual Claire: Let's start over.
Jay: Why don't we?!
Virtual Claire: What level of comfort are you looking for?
Jay: Same thing I've had for the last years. A workplace where you interact with actual people every once in a while, like we're doing right now. I used to love sales calls. Now we don't even do them anymore. I mean, put yourself in my shoes.
Virtual Claire: Dress or casual?
Jay: Why do you sound like Lauren Bacall?!
Virtual Claire: [laughing] I don't understand.
Jay: Right, because now, like everything, my references are old and out of step.
Claire: Why are you yelling?
Jay: If you don't get it by now, you're never gonna get it!
Claire: Well, somebody's panties are in a bunch.
Virtual Claire: May I offer you a different pair?
Claire: That's just weird.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Two sisters, two paths. Graduation, procreation. The world on a string, a baby and no ring.
Haley: Uh, you... you said you were happy for me. You said a baby would bring me limitless joy.
Cameron: And a limited bank account.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Could I please pipe in here?
Cameron: Yes, please. Alex.
Alex: I genuinely appreciate the opportunity to come back here, where I had the pleasure of serving as co-valedictorian, to offer a message of hope to those oft-marginalized overachievers out there. I... see... you. Well, I can't be the only one with goose bumps in here.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] Um, I just got a text from work. My boss gave that big case to someone else! Meanwhile, I'm still on the hook for these stupid cupcakes! [exhales sharply] M- My heart is racing, my... my hands are numb. Plus, I-I think I have a case of airborne diabetes!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: All right, thank you, Manny. And for those of you still awake, I think what we've learned here today is... college, a dead end.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Haley, uh... hot boyfriend, job, baby on the way... You seem to have it all, yet you took a very different path than your older sister, Alex.
Alex: I'm younger!
Cameron: Oh, wow. Okay. I guess that's why they call studying "the new smoking." [Haley laughs]
Manny: No one says that.
Alex: Can I add...
Cameron: I'm sure you can, but it won't help in the real world.

Quote from Cameron

Principal Brown: You thought you could bury me by killing college applications, didn't you? Hmm?
Cameron: I will clean out my half of the desk that I share.
Mitchell: Oh, no, it's... I'm so sorry. T-This is... This is my fault. I tried to play ball at work. There was a lot of unnecessary baking. The point is, I-I put these ideas into his head, so...
Principal Brown: Oh. So you're so weak and without conviction that somebody suggests some stupid idea to you and without even thinking, you just abandon all your values and fold like a cheap Chinese fan, huh?
Cameron: Yes, sir. I am a worm.
Principal Brown: That is exactly what I'm looking for. No threat to me at all. [chuckles] Well, congratulations, permanent Vice Principal Tucker.

Quote from Cameron

Principal Brown: Now, first order of business: fix what you did here. You are gonna give me a Golden Apple.
Mitchell: Hey, hey! We are in a committed relationship!
Cameron: No, no, no. It's not the same thing we saw at Pepper's bachelor party.
Mitchell: It's not?
Cameron: No.


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