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‘Kids These Days’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

Modern Family: Kids These Days

1008. Kids These Days

Aired November 28, 2018

When Jay volunteers to help Cameron coach the football team, they both get a lesson in political correctness. Phil and Mitchell run into Gil Thorpe in an unlikely place. After Claire runs into Alex out shopping with Gloria, things take an award turn as the mother and daughter shop for lingerie. Meanwhile, Haley isn't sure how to deal with the news that she's pregnant.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. Hey, you died out and became Swedes! Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!

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Quote from Mitchell

Phil: You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. And look, we're in Yucaipa. That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
Mitchell: I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out.
Phil: Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. They serve your rural gays, your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway.

Quote from Jay

Principal Brown: Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" and it is not okay for you, an elite white man of privilege, to bully them.
Cameron: Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.
Principal Brown: Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to. Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.
Jay: Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!
Cameron: Jay...
Jay: No, no, I've had it. I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, they're gonna ruin football? In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, captained by Knish Bronstein, took on the Lincoln Banditos, QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales. And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates at the bottom of dog piles, we shook hands like brothers and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads in Pierogi-Town. America. [voice breaking] Beautiful melting pot.
Cameron: Uh... How was that your life? You were in high school during the Summer of Love.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Oh, I don't know what to do. [sighs]
Dylan: How about this? Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you marry me?
Haley: Are you kidding me right now?
Dylan: Picture us walking down the aisle, a breathtaking vision in virginal white and you wearing whatever you want.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: I'm not marrying you!
Dylan: Okay. Okay, one step at a time. We'll put you on vitamins and a healthy diet. You'll be eating for one now.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Look at them out there. They are a mess. No focus!
Jay: You told them about not eating chicken, right? It's a nervous bird. Before the game, you eat your calm mammals, your beefs, your muttons.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: [aside to camera] We're about to play for the city championship, and Jay here has been helping out.
Jay: I've been a team booster for years. Usually that means cutting a check from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. We support athletics and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. It's a real path out.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: It's just... It's strange to say it out loud like that, you know? I'm a gay man. [chuckles] I'm a big gay man. [chuckles] Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me.
Mitchell: Just a weight.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Why aren't you talking, are you mad at me?
Haley: No! I'm freaked because I just found out that I'm pregnant. And yes, I am a little mad at you, because this is serious, and the only thing that you can think about is combining our names into the perfect baby name.
Dylan: Well, now we know it's either Hayden or Dyley.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Look, this is a beautiful thing. A product of our love. It is a product of our love, right?
Haley: Yes, Dylan. I did the math.
Dylan: Last time you did the math we accidentally left a $300 tip.

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