Jay: I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. Hey, you died out and became Swedes! Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!

Phil: You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. And look, we're in Yucaipa. That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
Mitchell: I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out.
Phil: Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. They serve your rural gays, your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway.

Principal Brown: Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" and it is not okay for you, an elite white man of privilege, to bully them.
Cameron: Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.
Principal Brown: Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to. Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.
Jay: Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!
Cameron: Jay...
Jay: No, no, I've had it. I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, they're gonna ruin football? In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, captained by Knish Bronstein, took on the Lincoln Banditos, QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales. And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates at the bottom of dog piles, we shook hands like brothers and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads in Pierogi-Town. America. [voice breaking] Beautiful melting pot.
Cameron: Uh... How was that your life? You were in high school during the Summer of Love.

Haley: Oh, I don't know what to do. [sighs]
Dylan: How about this? Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you marry me?
Haley: Are you kidding me right now?
Dylan: Picture us walking down the aisle, a breathtaking vision in virginal white and you wearing whatever you want.

Haley: I'm not marrying you!
Dylan: Okay. Okay, one step at a time. We'll put you on vitamins and a healthy diet. You'll be eating for one now.

Cameron: Look at them out there. They are a mess. No focus!
Jay: You told them about not eating chicken, right? It's a nervous bird. Before the game, you eat your calm mammals, your beefs, your muttons.

Cameron: [aside to camera] We're about to play for the city championship, and Jay here has been helping out.
Jay: I've been a team booster for years. Usually that means cutting a check from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. We support athletics and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. It's a real path out.

Haley: Why aren't you freaking out?
Dylan: Because this is a good thing, isn't it?
Haley: I... I don't know. Ugh. [sighs] Oh, my God, I have to get to work. To a job that I love, which I don't even know if I can do with a baby! [chuckles ]Just... I, um... I need some space. Oh. $13, carry the three. Leave a $50.

Haley: Oh, is Nicole coming in soon?
Madison: Her sound bath ran late. Is there a special occasion? Why the party sub?
Haley: Uh, this is a normal sandwich.
Nicole: Hello, Haley.
Haley: Hi.
Nicole: Why the enormous sandwich?
Haley: This is an ordinary... doesn't matter.

Gil Thorpe: It's just... It's strange to say it out loud like that, you know? I'm a gay man. [chuckles] I'm a big gay man. [chuckles] Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me.
Mitchell: Just a weight.