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43Quotes from ‘Kids These Days’

Modern Family: Kids These Days

1008. Kids These Days

Aired November 28, 2018

When Jay volunteers to help Cameron coach the football team, they both get a lesson in political correctness. Phil and Mitchell run into Gil Thorpe in an unlikely place. After Claire runs into Alex out shopping with Gloria, things take an award turn as the mother and daughter shop for lingerie. Meanwhile, Haley isn't sure how to deal with the news that she's pregnant.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. Hey! You died out and became Swedes! Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Oh, I don't know what to do. [sighs]
Dylan: How about this? Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you marry me?
Haley: Are you kidding me right now?
Dylan: Picture us walking down the aisle, a breathtaking vision in virginal white and you wearing whatever you want.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. And look, we're in Yucaipa. That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
Mitchell: I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out.
Phil: Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. They serve your rural gays, your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway.

Quote from Jay

Principal Brown: Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" and it is not okay for you, an elite white man of privilege, to bully them.
Cameron: Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.
Principal Brown: Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to. Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.
Jay: Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!
Cameron: Jay...
Jay: No, no, I've had it. I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, they're gonna ruin football? In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, captained by Knish Bronstein, took on the Lincoln Banditos, QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales. And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates at the bottom of dog piles, we shook hands like brothers and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads in Pierogi-Town. America. [voice breaking] Beautiful melting pot.
Cameron: Uh... How was that your life? You were in high school during the Summer of Love.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: I'm not marrying you!
Dylan: Okay. Okay, one step at a time. We'll put you on vitamins and a healthy diet. You'll be eating for one now.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Look at them out there. They are a mess. No focus!
Jay: You told them about not eating chicken, right? It's a nervous bird. Before the game, you eat your calm mammals, your beefs, your muttons.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: [aside to camera] We're about to play for the city championship, and Jay here has been helping out.
Jay: I've been a team booster for years. Usually that means cutting a check from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. We support athletics and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. It's a real path out.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Why aren't you talking, are you mad at me?
Haley: No! I'm freaked because I just found out that I'm pregnant. And yes, I am a little mad at you, because this is serious, and the only thing that you can think about is combining our names into the perfect baby name.
Dylan: Well, now we know it's either Hayden or Dyley.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Look, this is a beautiful thing. A product of our love. It is a product of our love, right?
Haley: Yes, Dylan. I did the math.
Dylan: Last time you did the math we accidentally left a $300 tip.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: How am I gonna tell my mom? This is the one thing she always told me not to do, and you're the person she told me not to do it with.
Dylan: Yeah, she really nailed that one. I hope our baby gets her brain.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Why aren't you freaking out?
Dylan: Because this is a good thing, isn't it?
Haley: I... I don't know. Ugh. [sighs] Oh, my God, I have to get to work. To a job that I love, which I don't even know if I can do with a baby! [chuckles ]Just... I, um... I need some space. Oh. $13, carry the three. Leave a $50.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I got tickets for me and Mitchell to a screening in Palm Springs of The Empire Strikes Back. Q&A to follow with the biggest star of all, George Lucas. I'm super stoked because I kind of think of Mitch as the brother I never had. I don't know why we don't spend more time alone together. It's nobody's fault. Except for... for Cam and Claire.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] I needed some sexy clothes, so I asked Gloria to help me shop. No offense to my mom, but she dresses kind of conservative while Gloria knows how to pick out clothes that will help... take this baby for a spin. Ugh, Alex, come on, sell it if you're gonna talk like that.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, is Nicole coming in soon?
Madison: Her sound bath ran late. Is there a special occasion? Why the party sub?
Haley: Uh, this is a normal sandwich.
Nicole: Hello, Haley.
Haley: Hi.
Nicole: Why the enormous sandwich?
Haley: This is an ordinary... doesn't matter.

Quote from Jay

Principal Brown: Coach Tucker, I don't know why this man is here, but he's a member of the "elderly protected class," and legally we can't contradict him. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to find a gentler way to motivate your players.
Cameron: I don't know any other way to coach.
Jay: What we need is advice from someone who played football but also is a namby-pamby Millennial weirdo.
[cut to:]
Manny: Thank you for coming.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Dunphy?
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, I was just making a pitstop on the way to the Bunny Ranch. I accidentally walked in here 'cause some local said they had great wings. Didn't realize there were no breasts! Am I right?!

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Mitchell: Oh, hey. You don't have to do this. I'm... I'm Mitch, I'm Phil's brother-in-law, and it's okay that you're gay.
Gil Thorpe: Whoa! What? Hold on a second now. That's crazy! You're gay!
Mitchell: Yes, I know. It's not the insult you think it is.
Phil: Charming as ever. Off you go. Best of luck.
Mitchell: I got this, okay? It's gonna take him some time to... to accept who he really is.
Gil Thorpe: I'm totally gay.
Mitchell: Wow, you're off to a strong start.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: It's just... It's strange to say it out loud like that, you know? I'm a gay man. [chuckles] I'm a big gay man. [chuckles] Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me.
Mitchell: Just a weight.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: God, I have so many questions for you, though.
Mitchell: Hey, hey, first time I walked into this bar, I did, too.
Gil Thorpe: Fire away. Okay. [stammering] I'm just not comfortable opening up in front of the breeder here, okay?
Phil: You have more kids than I do!
Gil Thorpe: That's homophobic, man!

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Mitchell: Twenty years ago, I was in this bar, feeling just like you do. And this really nice guy came up to talk to me. I-I think he could see how lost and alone I was. And, I don't know, it felt like my whole world opened up that day. [chuckles]
Gil Thorpe: Wow, that's a touching story. So when are we gonna start touching?
Mitchell: I'm sorry, what?
Gil Thorpe: I say we head out to the parking lot, get a little crazy in my ex-wife's minivan, huh?
Mitchell: No! No, gross!
Gil Thorpe: Fine, Prince Harry. I'll pop for a hotel room. But that means we're doing everything.
Mitchell: Okay. Y-You're awful! Well, at least I'm not a tease. What a waste of an afternoon. [to another guy] Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out. Feeling kind of lost and alone.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Um, can I just say, I am so comfortable with your sexuality.
Alex: Can I just say that your comfort with my sexuality has made me more comfortable with my sexuality.
Gloria: Can I just say that if I had my gun in my purse, I would shoot myself.

Quote from Haley

Claire: What brings you to the floor?
Haley: Well...it seems I've gone and gotten myself... promoted.
Claire: Haley, that's fantastic!
Haley: Yeah. Yeah, I, uh... I get my own parking spot and an "IRA." I guess that's my assistant's name or something?

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Men, this is the biggest moment of your life and I don't know how to fire you up! My original plan was to come in here, single out the under-performers and throw diapers at them! Now I realize that could beinterpreted as insensitive or, perhaps, anti-baby! I'm sorry, but the football field was always my safe space, okay?! It's where, in high school, I first gained the respect of my peers, and if I'm being honest, where I'd hoped I'd finally gain the admiration of my father-in-law. Now I feel like I've just... [voice breaking] let you all down.
Jay: You want to know how I feel? Hurt that Coach Tucker doesn't know how much we appreciate him. Triggered because he's got to apologize for a few words after all he's done to prove himself as a man and a coach. I've admired you for a long time and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me. And I'm "cissy-gendered" enough to admit it. And from now on, I'm gonna make sure that Coach Tucker knows he's a person of value I admire and respect.

Quote from Jay

Jay: That's right, guys, high knees, high knees. Commie to your left! Commie to your right! Stop dragging, Pitkowski, they're coming after your sweetheart! You know what they did to Poland!
Principal Brown: Well, I want to stop this, but there's nothing in the guidelines about Communists.
Jay: Now, we're high like a hippie! We're bending over like a...
Cameron: Okay! Shut it down, Jay!
Jay: All right, boys, hydrate like I taught you. Attaboy. There you go. [boys coughing]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, this is the biggest day of your lives and you're looking like a bunch of little girls out there! What's wrong, Pitkowski, did you forget your Barbies?!
Pitkowski: Coach, we've been talking, and the language you've been using lately feels, well, hurtful. And sexist.
Thompson: And a little gender reductive.
Jay: What the hell is happening?
Pitkowski: We'd just like you to consider adopting a more empowering style.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? This is football! What's wrong, are your training bras too tight?!

Quote from Gloria

Alex: Ooh! Do you think I could rock this? Do people still say rock?
Gloria: It makes me sad when you have to ask me what young people say.

Quote from Alex

Claire: So, what did you buy?
Alex: Oh, no, no, no. It's... It's not mine. It's hers. Could you hold it for a minute? My arms are tired! [scoffs] This one, the Queen of Sheba. We all work for her. [laughter] We have fun.

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Mmm! Burger's amazing. This place is great. These small town gays have it made.
Mitchell: Yeah, I mean, they're forced to live in the shadows, but they do get to eat fries, so...

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Oh, my God! Is that Gil Thorpe?
Mitchell: We don't all know each other, Phil.
Phil: With the beard.
Mitchell: There are no women in here.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Right there, he's my nemesis. What could he possibly be doing here?
Mitchell: Hmm, I might have a theory.
Phil: Oh, my God! He's pretending to be gay.
Mitchell: No.
Phil: What is your game, Gil?

Quote from Haley

Haley: Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute?
Nicole: Of course.
Haley: Uh... Look, a situation has come up and it's pretty confusing. I'm still trying to process it, but I...
Nicole: Preggo?
Haley: What?!
Nicole: Oh, God, I knew it!
Haley: What?!
Nicole: I mean, Prego, you know, however you pronounce that pretentious Italian fashion website.
Haley: Oh.
Nicole: Someone told me that they're trying to poach one of my employees, and I am not having it.

Quote from Haley

Nicole: So, what do you need?
Haley: I, uh, well...
Nicole: Title bump, money bump? You are getting a promotion. You are gonna be the new Head of Activewear and Zeitgeist.
Haley: Oh, my God, this is my dream job. [laughs] I told my guidance counselor that I wanted to do this and she laughed in my face.
Nicole: All right, everyone. Come in, we're celebrating! And bring a knife so we can cut this into pieces!

Quote from Manny

Manny: We're here to teach these gentlemen how to communicate in the st century. Let's go around and each say the gender pronoun we prefer. I'll start... I'm cisgender, he-slash-him.
Friend #1: She-slash-her.
Friend #2: They-slash-them.
Friend #3: Oh, I'm not here to bust chops, Bob is fine.
Jay: This is your rugby team?

Quote from Gloria

Claire: I am fascinated by this mall story of yours... So, you say you were shopping?
Gloria: Yes. [laughs] You know me and shoes.
Claire: Oh! Well, let's take a look, why don't we? [gasps] Ooh! I had no idea your foot was so tiny.
Gloria: Yes, I am so big in the top and small in the bottom, like South America herself.

Quote from Gloria

Alex: Okay, I can't watch this anymore! Mom, please don't take this personally, but I was shopping with Gloria today because I wanted to find something sexy for my weekend away with Bill, and that's more her thing.
Claire: I get it, fine. I don't always dress like a... steering wheel cover.
Gloria: You're lashing out. I understand.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Mitchell: But doesn't it feel great to... to finally own who you really are?
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it does.
Phil: I remember admitting to my dad I was into magic.
Gil Thorpe: It's not the same, Dunphy. [chuckles] It's just not...

Quote from Phil

Vic: Wow, hi. It's my lucky day.
Phil: Thank you for that. But I'm afraid I'm taken.
Vic: That's too bad. Why is it so hard for me to meet someone?
Phil: I, um... I have the perfect guy for you. He has got a great sense of humor, big heart.
Vic: I have a thing for red heads.
Phil: He's with me. Uh, the other one.
Vic: Him? Pass. He's been lurking around here for weeks. Like I'm impressed he's "Southern California's number one Realtor."
Phil: No, he's not!

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: Phil, I can't leave him this way.
Phil: What?! He's a monster! And not one of the cool ones created by Industrial Light and Magic!

Quote from Phil

Mitchell: This is a lot to take in, but I think that there's a really good guy in there and... and he needs me. I'm sorry, you go, have fun.
Phil: You're... You're picking him over me?!
Mitchell: No. I just need to make sure he's okay. Look, I-I'll try and get there if I can.
Phil: Do, or do not. There is no try.
Mitchell: Please don't Yoda me.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I don't know about this.
Claire: Come on, honey, I picked it out. I'm not gonna judge you. I swear.
Gloria: [gasps] You look beautiful.
Claire: I love it.
Alex: Really? It's not too much?
Claire: Let the prudes leave something to the imagination. Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get a piece of that," huh? [laughs]
Gloria: Uch.

Quote from Claire

Claire: How about lingerie?
Alex: Mm. Yes, um, I would love your input on my lingerie.
Claire: What would Bill like?
Alex: Oh, something with snaps. He doesn't like complicated garments. He's easily frustrated. [chuckles]
Claire: That is so fun to know.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Did you ever regret having me when you did? Like how it kinda derailed your career?
Claire: Hmm. [sighs] I didn't love it at first. But then I saw this face.
Haley: And you were lucky enough to have Dad. He was born to be a parent.
Claire: This is gonna come as a surprise to you, but your dad was a different guy than you think.
Haley: What?! Who?! Is that why I'm so short?!

Quote from Haley

Claire: Bye!
Alex: Okay.
Haley: Why is Alex leaving the house dressed like a flasher?
Claire: She and I agreed not to discuss it.
Haley: Her sexual awakening has been tough on all of us.
Claire: Yes.


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