Pam: There's a box out here marked fruit of the month. I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest.

Jay: [aside to camera] She was the perfect secret weapon. We send her upstairs to freshen up, just before the movie starts, we drop the Dede bomb. Gloria's flustered, off her game, she doesn't even pay attention to the film.
Manny: You still got it. And to think I was worried last night when you kept trying to turn on your phone flashlight and ended up taking 30 pictures of your angry face.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, Pam's moving back home after living in our upstairs unit for like three years.
Cameron: Uh, okay, it's been a year and nine days, and she chopped us all that wood. Plus, she's taking Lily back to see my parents. It's birthing season so she gets to name her first pig. Oh, and then we slaughter it on her 13th birthday. There's prayers and dancing. It's not unlike your standard bar mitzvah.
Mitchell: Except a lot more pork and a lot less Jews. Anyway, we're excited to have the house to ourselves again.

Mitchell & Cameron: Naked breakfast, naked breakfast [KNOCKING]
Mitchell: Just ignore it. [singing] Making sausages and grits, barely coverin' our bits
Cameron: Cookin' a frittata while wearin' nada
Dede: I knew you two would keep the side door unlocked. What would you do if I were a deranged psychopath?
Mitchell: I'd probably start with, "Hi, Mom, what are you doing here?"

Claire: [aside to camera] I recently sat for my Pritchett's Closets presidential portrait. It's a dumb tradition my dad started, but I kind of love the way mine turned out. At least it's more understated than his. The colors are muted and I am not wearing a sash and service revolver.

Mitchell: So, you have wine, a self-help book, a-a pillow shaped like the platonic ideal of a male torso for cuddling and/or punching.
Cameron: And a DVD we made for you called the "Donna Summer Olympics." [Dede laughs] It's a compilation of all the sexiest male athletes accompanied by the high queen of disco.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was all so diabolical, and it went deep. She tricked us into making every decision in our lives.
Cameron: For example, 12 years ago, she sent me pictures of adorable Asian babies.
Mitchell: While hitting me with a little reverse psychology. "Mitchell, America has taken so much from the Vietnamese, do you really want to snatch one of their children?" I do if you don't want me to!

Jay: Wow, this place looks dynamite.
Gloria: I wanted to give Manny a nice premiere for his movie. He's been in such a dry spell creatively. That modern dance recital was like-
Jay: Ugh, I couldn't even look at that leotard.
Gloria: Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer, but you don't have to use that word.

Manny: [aside to camera] For my film class, I wrote and directed a short. I felt the horror genre was the best way to grapple with the struggles of our time.
Jay: When Manny first came to me with the project-
Manny: You read a script I left out and you elbowed your way in.
Jay: Semantics. I was gonna be the silent money. But it turns out I've got some natural storytelling talent, so I took on a more creative role.
Manny: In spite of that, I got my first "A."
Jay: Our first "A."

Mitchell: I can't deal with my mother's marriage drama right now.
Cameron: Nobody gets the love-lorn back on their feet and out the door faster than we do. We'll just trot out our our trusty "heartbreak kit."
Mitchell: Is that in the closet next to the earthquake kit?
Cameron: And the Eartha Kitt.
Mitchell: Did you put those all in the same place just to delight me?