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41Quotes from ‘Mother!’

Modern Family: Mother!

920. Mother!

Aired May 2, 2018

When Dede drops by unexpectedly, Mitchell and Cameron are startled to realize how she has been controlling their lives all these years. Phil, Luke, Alex and Haley have bad news to break to Claire, but they must all find a way to tell her in the window of time she's relaxed after her monthly spa day. Meanwhile, Jay and Manny edit a scary movie together.

Quote from Pam

Pam: There's a box out here marked fruit of the month. I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest.

Quote from Manny

Jay: [aside to camera] She was the perfect secret weapon. We send her upstairs to freshen up, just before the movie starts, we drop the Dede bomb. Gloria's flustered, off her game, she doesn't even pay attention to the film.
Manny: You still got it. And to think I was worried last night when you kept trying to turn on your phone flashlight and ended up taking 30 pictures of your angry face.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, Pam's moving back home after living in our upstairs unit for like three years.
Cameron: Uh, okay, it's been a year and nine days, and she chopped us all that wood. Plus, she's taking Lily back to see my parents. It's birthing season so she gets to name her first pig. Oh, and then we slaughter it on her 13th birthday. There's prayers and dancing. It's not unlike your standard bar mitzvah.
Mitchell: Except a lot more pork and a lot less Jews. Anyway, we're excited to have the house to ourselves again.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell & Cameron: Naked breakfast, naked breakfast [KNOCKING]
Mitchell: Just ignore it. [singing] Making sausages and grits, barely coverin' our bits
Cameron: Cookin' a frittata while wearin' nada
Dede: I knew you two would keep the side door unlocked. What would you do if I were a deranged psychopath?
Mitchell: I'd probably start with, "Hi, Mom, what are you doing here?"

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I recently sat for my Pritchett's Closets presidential portrait. It's a dumb tradition my dad started, but I kind of love the way mine turned out. At least it's more understated than his. The colors are muted and I am not wearing a sash and service revolver.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: So, you have wine, a self-help book, a-a pillow shaped like the platonic ideal of a male torso for cuddling and/or punching.
Cameron: And a DVD we made for you called the "Donna Summer Olympics." [Dede laughs] It's a compilation of all the sexiest male athletes accompanied by the high queen of disco.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was all so diabolical, and it went deep. She tricked us into making every decision in our lives.
Cameron: For example, 12 years ago, she sent me pictures of adorable Asian babies.
Mitchell: While hitting me with a little reverse psychology. "Mitchell, America has taken so much from the Vietnamese, do you really want to snatch one of their children?" I do if you don't want me to!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Wow, this place looks dynamite.
Gloria: I wanted to give Manny a nice premiere for his movie. He's been in such a dry spell creatively. That modern dance recital was like-
Jay: Ugh, I couldn't even look at that leotard.
Gloria: Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer, but you don't have to use that word.

Quote from Jay

Manny: [aside to camera] For my film class, I wrote and directed a short. I felt the horror genre was the best way to grapple with the struggles of our time.
Jay: When Manny first came to me with the project-
Manny: You read a script I left out and you elbowed your way in.
Jay: Semantics. I was gonna be the silent money. But it turns out I've got some natural storytelling talent, so I took on a more creative role.
Manny: In spite of that, I got my first "A."
Jay: Our first "A."

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I can't deal with my mother's marriage drama right now.
Cameron: Nobody gets the love-lorn back on their feet and out the door faster than we do. We'll just trot out our our trusty "heartbreak kit."
Mitchell: Is that in the closet next to the earthquake kit?
Cameron: And the Eartha Kitt.
Mitchell: Did you put those all in the same place just to delight me?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, okay, okay. W-What's going on here? Are you two, um, friends?
Dede: Yes. We talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange recipes.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've been eating so much quinoa?
Both: It's a super-food.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, okay. Can I talk to you for a second? Come on. Okay, no reason to lie about it, 'cause I already know. How long have you been involved with this woman?
Cameron: Can I ask a question? Is there a chance you're just kind of making this all about Mitchell?
Mitchell: [gasps] That's her. Your mouth is moving, but that is her talking. Okay, don't you see what's happening? She's manipulating you to manipulate me.
Cameron: Don't you think I'm smart enough to know if I'm being used? I also have a mom.
Mitchell: You're out of your league here, bumpkin! Okay, this is a city mother!
Cameron: Wow. What happened to the seemly man I married?
Mitchell: You can't use it like that.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Okay, how's it looking?
Luke: Not bad. Who would've thought Mom and Teddy Roosevelt were identical front-teeth twins?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, just give me a quick minute to dry the glue. Oh, can you throw that shirt on a hanger for me, actually? I need to look sharp for Manny's premiere tonight. I play the Sheriff, which is ironic because I steal every scene I'm in.
Luke: Dad, no! It's melting!
Phil: ZZ Top! I've ruined your mother.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait a second. Today's your mom's monthly spa day.
Luke: I'm not following.
Phil: Afterwards, th-there's a brief window when she's at her most relaxed and understanding. It's the best time to give her bad news. I was gonna tell her about the $500 I wired to that stranded British guy on the phone, but this seems more important.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Hi. Is Mom home?
Phil: Honey, you look nice. Why?
Haley: Did I hear Mom? Wait, you're dressed like a girl. No! You are not using the window.
Alex: You got the last one!
Luke: Did everyone know about this window?

Quote from Alex

Haley: Oh, wow. It is not easy doing something that dumb.
Alex: Yeah, this is why men are over. I hope you enjoyed the last 10,000 years.
Haley: Listen, I have to bail on our trip with Mom for Mother's Day.
Alex: No! I have to bail, you have to go! She cried when we asked her.
Haley: But my boss invited me to the Met Ball. Her therapy dog got the flu, so I get to fly first class. Well, on her lap.
Alex: But Bill wants to take me away. This is the first time I've had a boyfriend who's not spending Mother's Day watching "Driving Miss Daisy" and pulling gray hairs out of a hairbrush.

Quote from Dede

Phil: Dede.
Dede: I'm sorry to barge in. I was visiting Cam and Mitch, and there's some tension over there. Well, where's my daughter? I don't hear any cooking or cleaning sounds so I assume she's home. [laughs]

Quote from Phil

Haley: Dad, what do we do?
Phil: Mitchell must've brought her. Maybe he's still out- [tires squeal] Coward!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, before you throw a clot, please, come look at my laptop. Read the e-mails your mother and I have sent.
Mitchell: 743 e-mails!
Cameron: It's mostly from one thread.
Mitchell: Okay, look what she says in this one. "Some kitchen items you might like. The stove, the tiles"- What? the the the folksy sign on the wall, Cam! You said that these were your ideas. D-Don't you see she incepted you and and designed our whole kitchen?!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my God, 2004?! Th-That's a year into our relationship. "Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you living all alone in that tiny apartment with a broken ankle." [gasps]
Mitchell: And on the same day, she's e-mailing you, "It's too soon to move in with someone. I strongly discourage it." Which is exactly why I did it.
Cameron: And because you love me so much.
Mitchell: And because we were in love.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: No, no, no, not again! The red carpet that they sent me is orange, and they keep putting me on hold. I never thought that I could hate hearing "She Bangs" over and over.
Jay: You didn't?
Manny: Really?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, I know we've had our creative differences, but I really think we have a hit on our hands.
Manny: I'm pretty proud of it, too. And a little nervous to put it out there.
Joe: 'Cause you made the monster just like Mom?
Manny: No, we didn't.
Jay: What are you talking about?
Joe: That noise. It's what she says all the time.
Woman: [on video] She's coming! [warbling speech, monster says "I'll kill you]
Gloria: [o.s.] Stella, no! Out, out! I'll kill you!
Jay: How could this happen?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] We spent weeks perfecting the monster's trademark scream by combining a bunch of unsettling noises. Horror movies are all about the sound.
Manny: Particularly when your special effects budget has been repurposed for an on-set massage chair.
Jay: Hey, you used it just as much as I did.

Quote from Manny

Jay: So, our monster sounds like your mother screaming? But we didn't know that before we put it in, right?
Manny: No, of course not, we love her.
Jay: To the moon.
Manny: Maybe she won't notice.
Jay: We better hope not.
Both: It's your movie.

Quote from Haley

Phil: She's asleep? How lucky.
Alex: Kind of lucky. She said she was tired and Haley gave her some tea.
Phil: What was in the tea?
Haley: You want her asleep, or you want to ask questions?

Quote from Haley

Luke: Mom just pulled up! Quick, longest straw goes first with her, then medium, then shortest.
Alex: Yes!
Haley: Yes!
Phil: That's the short straw. You're last.
Haley: Oh, damn it! I'm so used to a world where the smallest size wins.

Quote from Claire

Alex: What Mom, I-I hate to have to ask you this, but would you mind if I missed out on our Mother's Day trip?
Claire: Oh, no, why?
Alex: Well, Bill only gets one weekend off a month, and he wants to take me to the Grand Canyon. On a motorcycle.
Phil: What?!
Claire: Phil, chill. Sweetie, as your mom, I know I should say no, but let's face it, those books aren't keeping you warm at night. Let's get some bugs in those teeth, huh?

Quote from Phil

Haley: Mom, I'm bailing on our trip!
Luke: I made Dad play and we flew our drone into your face!
Phil: A man named Nigel Pickles may have our bank account numbers!
Alex: I'm gonna go.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Clearly, you all have bad news to tell me. But do you have to dump it on me when I'm in a good mood? Oh, my God, you did! That's what the window is! The one hour a month when I am a human to you people.
Haley: Sometimes it's longer.
Claire: Let me tell you something. You debutantes have it easy. You wouldn't have survived one day in the house where I grew up, where an actual crazy person was running the show.
Phil: Um, Claire.
Claire: The guilting, the shaming, the number of times I heard, "Where did I go wrong with you?"
Dede: Where did I go wrong with you?

Quote from Jay

Manny: If Mom starts to think the monster sounds familiar, I say we tell her it's Stella barking.
Jay: And hurt Stella's feelings? Think!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [to Jay and Manny] There they are, my handsome movie makers. [laughs] What are you wearing? What are you wearing? [to Mitchell] What are you wearing?
Mitchell: Whatever I want. Okay, I just found out that my mother has been secretly controlling every decision we've ever made, so we are taking our lives back. She thinks this color washes me out. Well, guess what?
Jay: She was right?
Gloria: You match the carpet. Use more teeth when you talk, because I'm losing your whole face.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, pay them no never mind.
Mitchell: Uh, she also implied 15 years ago that Cam's accent was trashy, so that's also happening.
Cameron: Yep, and it came right back to me like a cheatin' husband on his rent day.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: [sighs] Sorry I'm late.
Gloria: What the hell? Does no one know what "upscale cocktail Hollywood glamour fabulous" means?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Tarnation, here comes your kin! Git! Git! [to Mitchell] Sorry, I'm still working on the balance.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Mommy?
Claire: Nope. Not cute anymore. You're 40.
Alex: You know, forgiveness creates a biochemical reaction that-
Claire: Don't care. You're up.
Haley: [fake sobs] You're gone, aren't you?

Quote from Dede

Mitchell: Is Mom still at your house?
Claire: Oh, no, she ran off all mad at me. I guess I'm not getting a recycled hemp Christmas card this year.
Mitchell: Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone to pick with her, too, for controlling our entire lives. Not that it'll matter. We all know what she's gonna say.
Both: "Well, forgive me for caring."
Dede: Well, forgive me for caring.
Claire: Are you kidding?!

Quote from Dede

Jay: Look who dropped in.
Gloria: What a surprise. Let me get you a chair.
Dede: Oh, don't bother. Sitting's the new smoking.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] Worked like a charm. I don't know what was more genius, bringing Dede in, or hooking the audience early with some teenage sex.
Manny: You were right to fight for that.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: No, you know what, that scream actually sounded somehow familiar.
Mitchell: Yeah, it did, didn't it?
Claire: Yeah.
Gloria: Stella, no! No! Out, out, out! I'll kill you!
Claire: Oh.
Gloria: What? [gasps] You made me into your monster!
Jay: Not on purpose.
Manny: It's just a bunch of awful sounds laid on top of each other.
Gloria: How is that better?

Quote from Dede

Claire: Instead of blaming Mom for helping you make the right choices, how about thanking her? You know, it's not so easy to be the one who always knows best. In fact, it can make you a little tense sometimes.
Gloria: This amazing woman runs a company, she runs a family, and you don't show her any appreciation. Just like you two. I put you two together to do this movie and you turn me into your devil creature.
Jay: What do you mean you put us together?
Gloria: I left Manny's script out so that you would see it and you would get involved. I knew that this movie was not going to be good unless I would take his artsy weirdness and balance it with your low-brow, couch-tomato sensibility.
Dede: And that's why it was so great. Gloria, I know what you put up with. I-I was married to Jay. You are a saint to stick around. Especially with that bosom, you could get any guy in town.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Dede: So, unfortunately, this is what families do they turn mothers into monsters.


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