Jay: Ta-da! [all gasp] He's an old-time barkeep. Now, check it out. He's a big guy, like Cam, and he's got red hair, like you!
Mitchell: Dad! This is exactly what we needed... a little whimsy! I love it!
Gloria: No, you don't. Other gays, tell him. [all speak supportively]
Jay: We're gonna have so much fun with this guy. We can throw a-an Uncle Sam hat on him for the 4th of July, a pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving.
Mitchell: Or a rainbow wig for... for Pride.
Jay: Well, it's a piece of art. I don't think you want to make it silly.
Mitchell: So, does this, uh, big fella have a name?
Jay: Sure does. Since he's a combo of Cam and Mitch, he's Kitsch.

Gloria: How are you feeling?
Jay: Uh, it's gonna be weird without them being here all the time. Plus, they got the new kid. Poor guy's gonna grow up with those Missouri closets, thinking that's normal.

Ronaldo: Mitchell! I love this house! Do you love it? Say you love it.
Mitchell: I do. I love it. I love the flow. I love the lights. I love the location. There... There's even a karaoke room in the basement.
Ronaldo: [gasps] So fun! The last time I had a hot Mike in my basement... You know what? I'm gonna wait till there are more people here.
Mitchell: Oh, oh, the baby's awake. Do... Do you want to meet him?
Ronaldo: I do. I can ask him if he liked our gift. We never heard.

Dylan: Now that they don't test on animals, I've made extra money doing clinical trials at work. The hours are long, but the mazes are fun.

Phil: Yep! Gonna lose a toenail. There goes sandal season!

Sal: I do not like being the first person at a party.
Mitchell: Uh, oh, actually, you're the last one.
Cameron: Yeah, Sal, everybody's gone.
Sal: What?! Boo! Gays used to be so fun, before kids. Come on! Let's do shots! You know this house is only a block from my new place. Well, it's not "mine," but I get to stay there for free 'cause I let the guy who owns it watch me on webcams. Aah! I'm gonna be coming over all the time! Yay! And, um, Happy Face Emoji here can babysit my dogs and kid. And you guys cook, right? Ahh, 'cause my gummy's kicking in.
Mitchell: Actually, I'm feeling better about the move already.

Claire: Who made macaroni and cheese and left it out?
Dylan: Sorry, Mrs. D. That was me and Luke. But in our defense, we were high and got spooked by your German dishwasher.

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It's been a weird and wonderful month.
Cameron: We adopted a baby boy.
Mitchell: Yeah, and we moved into a new home, which we love so much, we named our son after our street. Rexford.
Cameron: Rex Tucker-Pritchett. With a name like that, he can be anything he wants... a quarterback, a running back, a middle linebacker.
Mitchell: Oh, he... he's got big feet. Maybe he could be a kicker.
Cameron: Why don't you believe in him, Mitchell?

Alex: Eh. Arvin doesn't see me that way. I mean, d-does he, do you think?
Haley: Yes! He gets all nervous and yammery when he's around you. How do you still not know you're a babe?
Alex: Well, I mean, you did call me a frumpy nerd for 20 years.
Haley: Well, I didn't stop because I got nicer.

Manny: It's not my fault. I tried to stop him.
Gloria: Stop who? What happened? [gasps] Ay, your hair! Where is it?!
Joe: Dad took me to his barber. It was so cool! Have you heard of Playboy?