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44Quotes from ‘Caught in the Act’

Modern Family: Caught in the Act

213. Caught in the Act

Aired January 19, 2011

When the Dunphy kids surprise Phil and Claire with breakfast in bed on their anniversary, the kids get a shock of their own. Meanwhile, Gloria tries to keep Claire from seeing an email she sent, and Mitchell and Cameron use Lily's play date to try get reservations at a new restaurant.

Quote from Luke

Haley: [aside to camera] We thought the lock was a really good idea.
Alex: But the problem is, it makes a noise.
Luke: A loud noise. It's hard for me to look at Dad afterwards.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Come on! Let's go. We're gonna need a little extra time at airport security 'cause I'm pretty sure they're gonna want to pat you down.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Manny's with his father for the weekend so Jay and I are flying to Vegas.
Jay: I'm a little torn because I want alone time with Gloria but I also like rubbing Manny's head for good luck.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I just need to send this e-mail to Claire why I'm not working on the bake sale next week, but I can't say the real reason.
Jay: Why not?
Gloria: Because she drive me crazy when she's in charge of these things.
Jay: Okay. We got a flight to catch, so let me help you out here. You tell me what you wanna say to her, and I'll help you find a nice way to say it.
Gloria: I want to say "I can't work on the bake sale because you're a bossy control freak that looks down on my cupcakes, even though your lemon squares were very dry."
Jay: There. Okay? How's this?
Gloria: "Dear Claire, I can't work the bake sale because you're a bossy control freak who look down..." Very funny, Jay. Ay. Ay. Why the whoosh? Where did- Where is the e-mail? It sended! Ay! Make it come back.
Jay: I don't know how to make it come back.
Gloria: Now she's gonna read it and she's gonna think it's from me!
Jay: Well, technically, it was from you. But come on. Let's hit the road.
Gloria: It sended! Please come back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Yeah. Our kids walked in on us. We were, as they say, having sex.
Claire: That's not a euphemism, Phil. It's exactly what we were doing. Having sex in front of our children.
Phil: Well, they weren't there when we started.
Claire: No.
Phil: In fact, you weren't even there when we started.

Quote from Luke

Alex: [washing eyes out] I can still see it!
Haley: I can't believe that just happened.
Luke: What were they doing?
Alex: Nothing.
Luke: Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.
Haley: "It"! They were doing "it"!
Alex: He has no idea what you're talking about.
Luke: Sex?
Alex: Yes!
Luke: I know what sex is, Alex. It's when a man and a woman take off their underpants and then get into the bed.
Alex: Stop talking!

Quote from Phil

Phil: This is only a big deal if we make it a big deal. We set the tone here. So let's just play it cool. Act like it was a big, funny mix-up. Crack a few jokes, lighten the mood.
Claire: Jokes?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: What kind of jokes?
Phil: Well, this is I'm just spitballing here, but What if I was all, "Knock, knock." And they were, like, "Who's there?" And I was all "Someone who doesn't want to see their parents doing it. That's why we knocked." Again, this is this is very rough.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Why are they still up there?
Luke: Yeah. How long does sex take?
Alex: Oh, my God. Stop talking.
Luke: Did you guys notice that Dad had the same look on his face as when he smells a new car?

Quote from Luke

Gloria: Where is your mother? - I need to talk to her.
Haley: I don't think it's a good time right now. She won't come out of her room.
Gloria: She's really upset, isn't she?
Haley: Big-time.
Alex: How'd you know?
Jay: We called.
Gloria: Tell me exactly what she said.
Luke: I don't know. There was just a lot of screaming.
Jay: Where was your father when all this was going on?
Luke: Oh. He was right behind her.
[Alex runs out screaming]

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Gloria. What are you- What are you doing here?
Claire: Wait. Where are the kids?
Gloria: They just left. They told me that you were very upset.
Claire: Oh, God.
Gloria: And you have every right to be. It was bad.
Claire: I know that.
Gloria: Claire, it was an accident. That doesn't make it any better.
Gloria: Okay, you're right. I know how you feel.
Claire: Oh, God.
Gloria: It happened to me before with another woman. And that time, I was the one getting it. And it hurt.
Phil: Wow.
Gloria: I'm sorry it had to come out like this. But you have to admit that you're only happy when you're the one cracking the whip.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Come on. We all know how you ride Phil. But maybe if you just let go a little maybe even taste my cupcakes I will join you.
Claire: No. Uh, No. No. I am so confused right now.
Phil: I may pass out.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you even doing here, Dad?
Jay: I don't think you should be the one doing the questioning here, missy.
Phil: Don't get mad at her. Your wife's the one who just offered up her cupcakes.

Quote from Alex

Luke: Good thing we had Mom's gas card.
Haley: Don't make me regret buying you that lighter, dude. Put it down.
Alex: Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Our parents are totally irresponsible. And I'm not just talking about us walking in on their little freak show earlier.
Haley: Just let it go.
Alex: No! We're lucky to be alive. How often do they let Luke go to school in shorts in the winter? And they let me ride in the front seat before I was 60 pounds. And they never shut the gate at the top of the stairs when we were babies. Do you know how many times you fell on your head? Do you?

Quote from Jay

Claire: So why don't you just get off your high horse, Dad? At least I am trying to handle this better than the two of you did.
Jay: What did we do?
Claire: You made gimlets and went back to your room.
Jay: What were we supposed to do?
Claire: You-You could have talked to me. You could have made sure that I was okay.
Jay: Wanna talk about it?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: Fine! Your mother and I were watching a particularly racy episode of Hart to Hart. Stefanie Powers had to go undercover as a call girl.
Claire: Mm-mmm. Dad.
Jay: Hang on. This whole story makes more sense if you know I got a thing for thigh-high boots.
Claire: Oh, gross. Gross. You are ruining sex for me. And boots.

Quote from Phil

Claire: And, uh, I'm just gonna say it. I'm really sorry about what happened.
Phil: Well, we're not sorry about what happened. We're sorry that you saw what happened.
Claire: Okay. They get that. Let's see. No one wants to see their parents Sssssss-
Phil: Your sensuality-
Claire: Not dressed- Oh.
Phil: Basically, it's two adults.
Claire: Adults.
Phil: It's like you're shaking hands-
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But you're not using your hands at all.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey. What's this?
Haley: Your anniversary present.
Phil: Aw!
Claire: That's very sweet.
Phil: My goodness.
Claire: What is it? A door lock. How embarrassing. Thank you.
Phil: We'll use it all the time.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: They can take us at 5:15.
Cameron: What are we, 80?
Mitchell: Or 10:45.
Cameron: What are we, 20?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: The most important playdate ever. So I'm really gonna need you to sparkle, sweetie.
Cameron: Oh, I'm gonna sparkle like it's the Fourth of July.
Mitchell: I was talking to Lily.
Cameron: Hmm?

Quote from Haley

Alex: It's our parents' anniversary, so we're surprising them with breakfast in bed.
Haley: They're impossible to buy for. We think. We've never really tried.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Phil: It's okay. Maybe they didn't see anything.
Claire: Sweetie, they screamed. They dropped a tray of dishes and they ran out of here like they were on fire.
Phil: You were on fire, lady.
Claire: Really? You're still going?
Phil: Forgive me for thinking your zesty performance deserves some praise.
Claire: Phil, our children are downstairs right now, and they're probably traumatized.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Hey, Shorty told me about this restaurant in Vegas. It's got a three-story wine tower right in the middle of it. Guy who gets your wine flies around on a wire.
Gloria: Like the Peter Pan?
Jay: No. Not like "the Peter Pan." This is a high-end place.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, because all the finest restaurants in the world have people flying around on wires.
Jay: You know, you used to go bananas when the Japanese guy flipped a shrimp onto your plate. Now look at you.
Gloria: Try her again!
Jay: Fine. And just so you know, it's not like Peter Pan. I mean, nobody wears tights or anything.
Gloria: Well, if they're not wearing anything, I don't want them flying over my food.

Quote from Phil

Jay: [on the phone] Phil, it's me. Can I talk to Claire?
Phil: Yeah. One second, Jay. It's your dad.
Claire: No, no. Can't. Uh-uh.
Phil: She doesn't want to talk right now.
Gloria: Ay, no.
Jay: Why not?
Claire: Uh, she's a little too upset.
Jay: Phil, put her on.
Phil: He says he wants you-
Claire: Hang up the phone.
Phil: I'm sorry, Jay. She says I have to go. [disconnects]

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, she's my daughter and everything but that guy seriously needs to grow a pair. Well, we tried. Vegas, here we come.
Gloria: Turn around the car.
Jay: Only 'cause I want to.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: This is a beautiful home. I love the throwback to the '60s.
Mitchell: Although if this was the '60s, we'd be a couple of "confirmed bachelors" and Lily would be a Yorkie.
Amelia: And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.
Mitchell: Oh, Amelia.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Did you hear that? When we know what to say, we're in.
Mitchell: Oh, this is very exciting. I've never had an in at a restaurant before. They'll probably greet us at the door by our names, show us to our favorite table.
Cameron: Let us play fast and loose with the menu order lunch things for dinner, dinner things for lunch.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Act like you weren't listening.
Cameron: What does that look like?
Mitchell: Like this.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay. We need a game plan. We need to rehearse exactly what we're gonna say 'cause that is the only way I'm gonna hold it together when my babies are looking at me with judgment and disgust.
Phil: First of all, that's how they always look at us. [eating on the floor]
Claire: Oh, Phil.
Phil: Secondly, this isn't as traumatic as you think.
Claire: Honey, I walked in on my parents having sex once. It was- Oh, awful. I can't even get the image out of my mind.
Phil: Claire, we're not your parents. We're in much better shape.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It's not coming out! It's not coming out!
Mitchell: Blot! Don't rub, blot!
Cameron: We are beyond blotting and rubbing. We've moved on to sweating and crying.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay. Let's not panic. We'll tell Amelia what happened, and then we'll pay to have it cleaned.
Cameron: What if it can't be cleaned, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Okay, okay. Then we'll pay for a new rug.
Cameron: Are you insane? This is a limited edition alpaca handmade Stark rug. I saw it in Architectural Digest. It costs $50,000. It was in Diane Keaton's house. Oh, no. It was in- Oh, what's-her-name's house. Um, from Prizzi's Honor. From, uh... Oh, she was in Addams Family.
Mitchell: Anjelica Huston!
Cameron: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh, my God. $50,000? For a rug? Cam, we don't have that kind of money.
Cameron: Maybe she won't make us pay. I mean, we wouldn't make someone pay if this happened to us.
Mitchell: Did you not hear her on the phone? "Fix it! Replace it! Write me a check!" She probably has that embroidered on a pillow right next to a jar of human tears.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Maybe we can turn this around.
Mitchell: How? It looks like someone bled out over here.
Cameron: No. I mean the rug. Maybe we can turn the whole rug around. Put it under the couch. See? No one would ever know it's there.
Mitchell: Well, we would know.
Cameron: Well...
Mitchell: What are you thinking?
Cameron: You don't wanna know.
Mitchell: No, tell me, 'cause I think I'm thinking the same thing.
Cameron: I seriously doubt that, because now I'm thinking it was Joan Collins's house.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: What are you talking about?
Gloria: What are you talking about?
Claire: The kids just walked in on me and Phil... in bed. We've just spent the last hour holed up in our room, trying to figure out what to say to them.
Gloria: Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Can I use your computer? I just need to check one e-mail.
Claire: Yeah, the kitchen.
Jay: Gloria, I just switched us to the next flight. Did you guys get everything straightened out?
Gloria: Claire is very upset because the kids just walk in on them having sex.
Jay: Oh, geez.
Claire: Now that we're all up to speed-
Gloria: She's so upset that she hasn't even had time to apply her makeup or use her computer.

Quote from Alex

Haley: We get it. It was bad. But, you know I guess it's better than having parents who fight all the time. Maybe.
Luke: My friend Jacob's parents are getting divorced. He has to move out of his house. They told him last week.
Alex: That sucks.
Haley: He'll get used to it. Half of my friends' parents are divorced.
Alex: Mine too.
Haley: It's insane.
Luke: So it's a good thing Mom and Dad still do sex.
Alex: Better than Mom leaving the stove on, which she's done twice this month.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I just realized we haven't even gotten to the worst part of it yet.
Alex: Which is?
Haley: They're gonna want to talk about it.
Luke: Maybe not.
Alex: Are you kidding? Their parents never talked about anything so they want to talk about everything.
Haley: Yeah. They called a family meeting when we switched to one percent milk.

Quote from Jay

Claire: I don't know where those kids are.
Jay: What is more important than putting a working lock on a bedroom door?
Claire: You are one to talk.
Jay: What is that supposed to mean?
Claire: You don't remember when I walked in on you and Mom that time?
Jay: Gloria, could we please go now?

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Working okay for you?
Gloria: Yes. I was sending an e-mail to my brother in Colombia.
Phil: Oh.
Gloria: I was telling him about Claire. You know, I realized there's so much I don't know about her. Like, for example, what is her favorite word? Or what was her first pet's name?
Phil: Gloria, I'm not an idiot. Are you trying to get Claire's password?
Gloria: Okay, fine. I sent her something by mistake. I need to get into Claire's e-mail to erase it before she sees it.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Hi, Gloria. Before I see what?
Gloria: It's so embarrassing. You see, Jay and I-
Jay: It's a naked picture of Gloria.
Phil: Whoa.
Gloria: Yes. Naked.
Claire: Mmm.
Gloria: I was gonna send it to Jay. You see everything the whole body.
Phil: I need to sit.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Wow, Dad. So you just got done giving me a lecture on the importance of locking my bedroom door while in my house to retrieve naked pictures that your wife accidentally sent me.
Jay: The irony is just occurring to me.
Claire: Mmm. Mmm.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Let's go to Vegas!
Gloria: Ciao!
Claire: Do us a favor. No pictures. Oh, Gloria. Listen. We do need to talk about the bake sale at some point. I have some concerns.
Gloria: Of course you do.
Jay: Bye-bye! [pulling Gloria out of the room]

Quote from Phil

Claire: What do we do now?
Phil: Okay, I'm really afraid of reading this situation the wrong way but I'm 80% sure you're coming on to me. Okay, now 40.

Quote from Mitchell

Amelia: Oh, my God. What happened here?
Mitchell: Jackson did it.
Cameron: He grabbed Lily's strawberry juice and started drinking it.
Mitchell: Before we could stop him, it was all over everything.
Amelia: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Mitchell: We are horrible people.
Cameron: I'm only following your lead.
Mitchell: Yeah, so close that you stepped on the back of my shoe.

Quote from Mitchell

Amelia: He really hates this so I'm gonna need you to help me pin down his arms and his legs, okay? Jackson, Mommy's so sorry to have to do this, but it's only gonna hurt for a second. His arms!
Mitchell: Oh! Okay.
Amelia: All right, here we go. One. Two.
Mitchell: Wait!
Cameron: Wait!
Mitchell: Jackson didn't drink the juice.
Cameron: I stepped on Lily's bag. The juice box fell and we panicked because we heard you on the phone and we can't afford Joan Collins's rug!
Mitchell: We are so, so sorry. We could not feel any worse. [knocks over vase]
Jackson: Oh, no. That's bad.

Quote from Cameron

Waiter: Number 19!
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah.
Waiter: Number 19!
Mitchell: Oh, could we have some napkins please?
Waiter: All out of napkins. Paper towels in bathroom, Mitchell.
Cameron: He knows your name!

Quote from Haley

Alex: I can't handle a big family talk about this.
Haley: We're not gonna have a choice. So when they start talking, just smile and nod and think about something else.
Luke: Yeah, it's easy. Just like at school.
Haley: Yeah.

Quote from Claire

Claire: So I guess what I'm saying here is that as you get older and explore your sexuality you will discover that as long as you are in a committed relationship with consenting adults, there's really nothing to be embarrassed about.
Phil: And let's face it. Your mom can't keep her hands off me whenever the gun show comes to town.
Luke: Good one, Dad.
Alex: Humor makes difficult situations easier.
Claire: Wow. Really?
Haley: Totally. You talked to us on our level but without being condescending.
Claire: We did.
Phil: All right. I guess we did.
Claire: Huh! Yay us! I think we really handled that well.

Quote from Haley

Claire: This is such a weird day.
Phil: I know it.
Claire: By the way, happy anniversary.
Phil: It always is. Mmm. [Phil and Claire kiss]
Haley: Hey, Mom, can I get- Oh, my God! Enough!


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