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‘Caught in the Act’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Caught in the Act

213. Caught in the Act

Aired January 19, 2011

When the Dunphy kids surprise Phil and Claire with breakfast in bed on their anniversary, the kids get a shock of their own. Meanwhile, Gloria tries to keep Claire from seeing an email she sent, and Mitchell and Cameron use Lily's play date to try get reservations at a new restaurant.

Quote from Luke

Haley: [aside to camera] We thought the lock was a really good idea.
Alex: But the problem is, it makes a noise.
Luke: A loud noise. It's hard for me to look at Dad afterwards.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: Come on! Let's go. We're gonna need a little extra time at airport security 'cause I'm pretty sure they're gonna want to pat you down.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Manny's with his father for the weekend so Jay and I are flying to Vegas.
Jay: I'm a little torn because I want alone time with Gloria but I also like rubbing Manny's head for good luck.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I just need to send this e-mail to Claire why I'm not working on the bake sale next week, but I can't say the real reason.
Jay: Why not?
Gloria: Because she drive me crazy when she's in charge of these things.
Jay: Okay. We got a flight to catch, so let me help you out here. You tell me what you wanna say to her, and I'll help you find a nice way to say it.
Gloria: I want to say "I can't work on the bake sale because you're a bossy control freak that looks down on my cupcakes, even though your lemon squares were very dry."
Jay: There. Okay? How's this?
Gloria: "Dear Claire, I can't work the bake sale because you're a bossy control freak who look down..." Very funny, Jay. Ay. Ay. Why the whoosh? Where did- Where is the e-mail? It sended! Ay! Make it come back.
Jay: I don't know how to make it come back.
Gloria: Now she's gonna read it and she's gonna think it's from me!
Jay: Well, technically, it was from you. But come on. Let's hit the road.
Gloria: It sended! Please come back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Yeah. Our kids walked in on us. We were, as they say, having sex.
Claire: That's not a euphemism, Phil. It's exactly what we were doing. Having sex in front of our children.
Phil: Well, they weren't there when we started.
Claire: No.
Phil: In fact, you weren't even there when we started.

Quote from Luke

Alex: [washing eyes out] I can still see it!
Haley: I can't believe that just happened.
Luke: What were they doing?
Alex: Nothing.
Luke: Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.
Haley: "It"! They were doing "it"!
Alex: He has no idea what you're talking about.
Luke: Sex?
Alex: Yes!
Luke: I know what sex is, Alex. It's when a man and a woman take off their underpants and then get into the bed.
Alex: Stop talking!

Quote from Phil

Phil: This is only a big deal if we make it a big deal. We set the tone here. So let's just play it cool. Act like it was a big, funny mix-up. Crack a few jokes, lighten the mood.
Claire: Jokes?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: What kind of jokes?
Phil: Well, this is I'm just spitballing here, but What if I was all, "Knock, knock." And they were, like, "Who's there?" And I was all "Someone who doesn't want to see their parents doing it. That's why we knocked." Again, this is this is very rough.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Why are they still up there?
Luke: Yeah. How long does sex take?
Alex: Oh, my God. Stop talking.
Luke: Did you guys notice that Dad had the same look on his face as when he smells a new car?

Quote from Luke

Gloria: Where is your mother? - I need to talk to her.
Haley: I don't think it's a good time right now. She won't come out of her room.
Gloria: She's really upset, isn't she?
Haley: Big-time.
Alex: How'd you know?
Jay: We called.
Gloria: Tell me exactly what she said.
Luke: I don't know. There was just a lot of screaming.
Jay: Where was your father when all this was going on?
Luke: Oh. He was right behind her.
[Alex runs out screaming]

Quote from Gloria

Phil: Gloria. What are you- What are you doing here?
Claire: Wait. Where are the kids?
Gloria: They just left. They told me that you were very upset.
Claire: Oh, God.
Gloria: And you have every right to be. It was bad.
Claire: I know that.
Gloria: Claire, it was an accident. That doesn't make it any better.
Gloria: Okay, you're right. I know how you feel.
Claire: Oh, God.
Gloria: It happened to me before with another woman. And that time, I was the one getting it. And it hurt.
Phil: Wow.
Gloria: I'm sorry it had to come out like this. But you have to admit that you're only happy when you're the one cracking the whip.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Come on. We all know how you ride Phil. But maybe if you just let go a little maybe even taste my cupcakes I will join you.
Claire: No. Uh, No. No. I am so confused right now.
Phil: I may pass out.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What are you even doing here, Dad?
Jay: I don't think you should be the one doing the questioning here, missy.
Phil: Don't get mad at her. Your wife's the one who just offered up her cupcakes.

Quote from Alex

Luke: Good thing we had Mom's gas card.
Haley: Don't make me regret buying you that lighter, dude. Put it down.
Alex: Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Our parents are totally irresponsible. And I'm not just talking about us walking in on their little freak show earlier.
Haley: Just let it go.
Alex: No! We're lucky to be alive. How often do they let Luke go to school in shorts in the winter? And they let me ride in the front seat before I was 60 pounds. And they never shut the gate at the top of the stairs when we were babies. Do you know how many times you fell on your head? Do you?

Quote from Jay

Claire: So why don't you just get off your high horse, Dad? At least I am trying to handle this better than the two of you did.
Jay: What did we do?
Claire: You made gimlets and went back to your room.
Jay: What were we supposed to do?
Claire: You-You could have talked to me. You could have made sure that I was okay.
Jay: Wanna talk about it?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: Fine! Your mother and I were watching a particularly racy episode of Hart to Hart. Stefanie Powers had to go undercover as a call girl.
Claire: Mm-mmm. Dad.
Jay: Hang on. This whole story makes more sense if you know I got a thing for thigh-high boots.
Claire: Oh, gross. Gross. You are ruining sex for me. And boots.

Quote from Phil

Claire: And, uh, I'm just gonna say it. I'm really sorry about what happened.
Phil: Well, we're not sorry about what happened. We're sorry that you saw what happened.
Claire: Okay. They get that. Let's see. No one wants to see their parents Sssssss-
Phil: Your sensuality-
Claire: Not dressed- Oh.
Phil: Basically, it's two adults.
Claire: Adults.
Phil: It's like you're shaking hands-
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But you're not using your hands at all.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey. What's this?
Haley: Your anniversary present.
Phil: Aw!
Claire: That's very sweet.
Phil: My goodness.
Claire: What is it? A door lock. How embarrassing. Thank you.
Phil: We'll use it all the time.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: They can take us at 5:15.
Cameron: What are we, 80?
Mitchell: Or 10:45.
Cameron: What are we, 20?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: The most important playdate ever. So I'm really gonna need you to sparkle, sweetie.
Cameron: Oh, I'm gonna sparkle like it's the Fourth of July.
Mitchell: I was talking to Lily.
Cameron: Hmm?

Quote from Haley

Alex: It's our parents' anniversary, so we're surprising them with breakfast in bed.
Haley: They're impossible to buy for. We think. We've never really tried.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Phil: It's okay. Maybe they didn't see anything.
Claire: Sweetie, they screamed. They dropped a tray of dishes and they ran out of here like they were on fire.
Phil: You were on fire, lady.
Claire: Really? You're still going?
Phil: Forgive me for thinking your zesty performance deserves some praise.
Claire: Phil, our children are downstairs right now, and they're probably traumatized.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Hey, Shorty told me about this restaurant in Vegas. It's got a three-story wine tower right in the middle of it. Guy who gets your wine flies around on a wire.
Gloria: Like the Peter Pan?
Jay: No. Not like "the Peter Pan." This is a high-end place.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, because all the finest restaurants in the world have people flying around on wires.
Jay: You know, you used to go bananas when the Japanese guy flipped a shrimp onto your plate. Now look at you.
Gloria: Try her again!
Jay: Fine. And just so you know, it's not like Peter Pan. I mean, nobody wears tights or anything.
Gloria: Well, if they're not wearing anything, I don't want them flying over my food.

Quote from Phil

Jay: [on the phone] Phil, it's me. Can I talk to Claire?
Phil: Yeah. One second, Jay. It's your dad.
Claire: No, no. Can't. Uh-uh.
Phil: She doesn't want to talk right now.
Gloria: Ay, no.
Jay: Why not?
Claire: Uh, she's a little too upset.
Jay: Phil, put her on.
Phil: He says he wants you-
Claire: Hang up the phone.
Phil: I'm sorry, Jay. She says I have to go. [disconnects]

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