Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I'm hip. I surf the web, I text. LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God, WTF, Why The Face. You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so...

Claire: [aside to camera] I was out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny is very passionate, just like his father. My first husband is very handsome, but too crazy. It seemed like all what we did was fight and make love. Fight and make love. Fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.
Jay: Which one were you doing? I'm hearing this for the first time!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We have been together for, uh, five years now? And we decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate-
Cameron: Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you.

Gloria: [aside to camera] We're very different. Jay's from the city. He has big business. I come from a small village. Very poor, but very, very beautiful. It's the number one village in north Colombia for all the... What's the word?
Jay: Murders.
Gloria: Yes, the murders.

Manny: I want to go to the mall where she works. But first we need to get my white shirt, the silk one.
Jay: Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants!

Mitchell: You saw that right? Everybody fawning over Lily, and then you walk on and suddenly it's all, "Ooh, Skymall. I gotta buy a motorized tie rack." I'm gonna give a speech.
Cameron: You are not giving a speech. We're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours!
Mitchell: You're right, it's okay, I'm sorry.
Woman: Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.
Mitchell: Okay, excuse me. Excuse me, but this baby would be growing up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us creampuffs. And you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this, love knows no race, creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe-
Cameron: Mitchell?
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: She's got the creampuffs.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

Alex: Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.
Phil: I got it. Where's the babyoil?
Claire: It's on our bedside tab- I don't know, find it.

Mitchell: No, I'm calling them now, I'm cancelling.
Cameron: No, you're not! You're telling your family you've adopted a baby, tonight. And you do have avoidance issues; even Longinus said so!
Mitchell: Are you really not hearing these names?

Claire: [whispering] Phil, sweetie, honey. He is Dylan and he is a senior and you need to scare him.
Phil: Let me meet this playa. Phil Dunphy, yo!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It's like that. You just start down on him and let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying: "Hey, we cool!" But your eyes are like: "No, we not!" "Nice to meet you!" "No, it's not!" "'S all good?" "No, 'snot".