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‘Pilot’ Quotes

Modern Family: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 23, 2009

Jay is upset when somebody confuses him for Gloria's father, while Manny intends to declare his love for an older girl. Phil is forced to be the tough parent when Luke accidentally shoots Alex with a BB gun, while Claire tries to keep Hayley from going too far with her new friend Dylan. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron arrive home from Vietnam with an adopted baby girl.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I'm hip. I surf the web, I text. LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God, WTF, Why The Face. You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so...

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Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I was out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny is very passionate, just like his father. My first husband is very handsome, but too crazy. It seemed like all what we did was fight and make love. Fight and make love. Fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.
Jay: Which one were you doing? I'm hearing this for the first time!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] We're very different. Jay's from the city. He has big business. I come from a small village. Very poor, but very, very beautiful. It's the number one village in north Columbia for all the... What's the word?
Jay: Murders.
Gloria: Yes, the murders.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We have been together for, uh, five years now? And we decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate-
Cameron: Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you.

Quote from Claire

Alex: Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.
Phil: I got it. Where's the babyoil?
Claire: It's on our bedside tab- I don't know, find it.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You saw that right? Everybody fawning over Lily, and then you walk on and suddenly it's all, "Ooh, Skymall. I gotta buy a motorized tie rack." I'm gonna give a speech.
Cameron: You are not giving a speech. We're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours!
Mitchell: You're right, it's okay, I'm sorry.
Woman: Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.
Mitchell: Okay, excuse me. Excuse me, but this baby would be growing up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us creampuffs. And you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this, love knows no race, creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe-
Cameron: Mitchell?
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: She's got the creampuffs.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I want to go to the mall where she works. But first we need to get my white shirt, the silk one.
Jay: Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: No, I'm calling them now, I'm cancelling.
Cameron: No, you're not! You're telling your family you've adopted a baby, tonight. And you do have avoidance issues; even Longinus said so!
Mitchell: Are you really not hearing these names?

Quote from Phil

Claire: [whispering] Phil, sweetie, honey. He is Dylan and he is a senior and you need to scare him.
Phil: Let me meet this playa. Phil Dunphy, yo!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It's like that. You just start down on him and let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying: "Hey, we cool!" But your eyes are like: "No, we not!" "Nice to meet you!" "No, it's not!" "'S all good?" "No, 'snot".

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What is that?
Manny: A poem I've written for Brenda Feldman.
Jay: Of course it is.
Manny: I put my thoughts into words, and now my words into action!
Jay: 'Ey, I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this.
Manny: I'm eleven years old, what am I gonna do with money?
Jay: What are you gonna do with a sixteen year old?

Quote from Cameron

Alex: Hey, where's uncle Cameron?
Mitchell: Finally, thank you, someone who's not insulting me noticed he's not here.
Jay: So, that's the big announcement. You two broke up. Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that, anyway! And you know, let me tell you, you'll be better off, because he was a bit of a drama queen.
Mitchell: No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend, who is, by the way, not that dramatic!
["Circle of Life" from The Lion King begins to play as the lights dim. Cameron walks out cradling Lily in his arms. He holds up her up as a spotlight shines.]
Mitchell: We've adopted a baby. Her name is Lily.
Cameron: Exciting!
Mitchell: Just turn it off.
Cameron: I can't turn it off, it's who I am!
Mitchell: The music!

Quote from Gloria

Jay: The only reason I'm hard on Manny is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself. And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.
Gloria: Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there but you're his family now. And that means only one thing. You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face!
Jay: What?
Gloria: Something my mom always says. It's gorgeous in Spanish.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [voiceover, turning into aside to camera] "We're from different worlds. Yet we somehow fit together. Love is what binds us. Through fair or stormy weather. I stand before you now with only one agenda. To let you know my heart is yours, Feldman comma Brenda." I mean seriously!

Quote from Alex

Phil: Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?
Luke: I thought I could get out this time.
Alex: I'm just gonna say it he needs to be checked by a specialist.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What did I tell you what happened if you got him a gun? Deal with this!
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No, no, no, no, no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go!
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards, he'll be home at two.
Phil: I can't shoot him at two, showing our house at two.
Alex: What about three?
Claire: No, he's at a soccer game at three, and then- Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing in five.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me.
Claire: [writing] Shoot Luke.
Phil: Sorry dude, it's on the calendar.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Manny, you're with me on this, right?
Manny: I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.
Jay: Oh, for God's sake.
Gloria: Honey, she's 16.
Manny: Oh, it's okay for you to take an older lover?
Jay: Hey, watch it!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we expecting the baby. Which has been very difficult. But, apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal primal thing, were it retains nutrients. Some sort of molecular physiology thing. But that's science, you can't- You can't fight it. So...
Mitchell: I'm not saying anything.
Cameron: You're saying everything.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What the hell is that?
Cameron: I had Andre do it when we we were gone.
Mitchell: Is that us? With wings?
Cameron: We're floating above her, always there to protect her.
Mitchell: Well, that's reassuring, right Lily? Yeah, we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry, things are normal here. Your fathers are floating fairies! Can you call Andre? Have him paint something a little less... gay? By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre.
Cameron: Redheaded dad is angry daddy.
Mitchell: No I'm not.
Cameron: Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.
Mitchell: Okay, that's another one, Pepper!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] "Ooh, where you from originally?" "I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation!"

Quote from Manny

Manny: She has a boyfriend.
Gloria: I'm sorry mi niño.
Manny: I gave her my heart. She gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

Quote from Alex

Claire: What are they doing up there?
Alex: Nothing, lying in her bed, watching a movie.
Claire: Okay. Okay I'm making a cake for tonight, you wanna help me with the frosting?
Alex: Sure. So, you know if Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?
Claire: What?
Alex: This senior at school was "out sick" for, like, four months, but Jenna Resnick swore she saw her out breastfeeding in an coin-op carwash.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Can you shut the door, please?
Claire: Actually, we're just go ahead and leave that open.
Haley: Why?
Claire: Because I have, uh, seen this little show before: Lying on the bed with a tall senior. One minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest, and the next you're lying underneath the air-hockey table with your bra in your pocket!
Haley: Mom!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My dad. My dad still isn't completely comfortable with... this. Um, he, he still does this thing. It's been five years now. And he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room were in. Just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss.
Cameron: Wish my mother had that system. Remember?
Mitchell: Not now.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Knock, knock, we're here! Coming in!
Mitchell: Don't worry, dad, nothing gay going on here. May I take your multicolored coat and your bejeweled cap?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hi, Gloria, how are you? What a beautiful dress!
Gloria: Thank you, Phil!
Phil: Oh, okay. [reaches out to touch Gloria's dress, Claire slaps his hand away]
Claire: Phil! That's how she says "Phil," not "feel!"

Quote from Jay

Jay: So how was your trip?
Mitchell: It was good. It was good, actually, but about that, I have something that I need to tell you guys. We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kinda have some big news.
Jay: Oh, God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving!
Claire: Dad!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Anyway, so about a year ago, Cam and I sort have feeling this longing for something more like, maybe a baby.
Jay: Whoa, that's a bad idea.
Mitchell: What do you mean, bad idea?
Jay: Well, kids need a mother! I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog!
Mitchell: Okay. We're not bored, Dad!
Gloria: I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son.
Claire: I think what Dad is trying to say is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos and you don't handle well.
Mitchell: That's not what's Dad's saying, that's what you're saying. And it's insulting in a whole different way.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Excuse me. Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. But, uh, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I've been trying all my life to get it right, I'm still screwing up. Right, Manny?
Manny: I wrote a song about you in the car.
Jay: Of course you did. Uh, anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh, I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back. [confused murmurs] It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.
Gloria: Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien to escupa en la frente. [I will be the breeze on your back, not who spits in the forehead.]

Quote from Gloria

Woman: Come on, coach! You've gotta take that kid out!
Gloria: You wanna take him out? How about I take you out!?
Jay: Honey, honey.
Gloria: Why don't you worry about your son! He spent the first half with his hands in his pants!


Episode 102 
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