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‘A Game of Chicken’ Quotes

Modern Family: A Game of Chicken

1106. A Game of Chicken

Aired November 6, 2019

Gloria is using her alone time with the twins as an opportunity to secretly baptize them before Haley and Dylan get home. Meanwhile, Claire is still dealing with the fallout from the smart closet fiasco, and Cam is at war with his school’s mascot who is threatening his chance at securing a new college coaching job.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I'm surprised you can't see the humor in what the mascot is doing. Isn't it a lot like clowning?
Cameron: What did you just say?
Lily: Are you insane?
Cameron: Mascot-ing is nothing like clowning! Clowns are descendants of the court jester, truth-teller to the king. Mascots know nothing of veritas and beauty.
Mitchell: Don't you just make wiener dogs out of balloons?
Cameron: You are just jealous because no kid ever said, "Hey, Mom, this year for my birthday, can we get a narc?"

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, you always said you were okay with moving back to Missouri at some point, turning our little family into a "farmily."
Mitchell: You know I hate that word.
Cameron: Why? It's descriptive and fun. And you know what? Look, if I got this job, I would be the first openly gay college football coach in history, and I would think you'd support that.
Mitchell: And I would think that you would ask me before uprooting our whole farmily... Gah. Damn it, it's in there now!

Quote from Dylan

Gloria: Hello, mis niños.
Haley: Thank you so much for watching the babies for a few hours.
Dylan: If you have trouble telling them apart, just take off their diapers. I wrote George's name inside his.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Are we babysitting? Should I cancel golf?
Gloria: No, no, no, no, I know how important it is for you and your friends to complain about how young people today are slightly different than your generation.
Jay: Vin Diesel is just Telly Savalas without the lollipop and a great catchphrase.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Except for Father Ramirez, all the priests I asked were "uncomfortable" with my secret baptism. They said it was "borderline kidnapping," that they found my trickery "devilish." It's like, when did Catholics become so judgmental?

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Why is there a priest here?
Dylan: I told you, Poppy's possessed! Everybody can see it but you.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: I don't know. We've barely thought about it. Dylan did say that he was going to research some religions.
Dylan: I'm halfway through this Jim Jones documentary. So far, that religion seems pretty cool.

Quote from Gloria

Haley: Ugh. I don't even know how I can decide, but I guess it can't hurt.
Gloria: Yahoo! You're going to the kingdom of Heaven. And there, you're going to join the souls of some of our greats, like Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, Danny DeVito when he dies.

Quote from Jay

Haley: Well, I'm sorry. It just... It suddenly just got very real, and it does not feel right, and I don't know why, Grandpa, am I making too much of this? I...
Gloria: Don't ask him because he doesn't even believe in God.
Jay: I just don't think you need church, costumes, all that stuff to feel a higher power.
Haley: But you think there is one?
Jay: Yeah, I felt it when my kids were born, and, um, when I met this crazy woman here that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but, you know, it can be just a normal everyday thing, too. You know, like the way it makes me feel when I hear a baseball thump into a mitt, or the way Tom Waits' voice can somehow be ugly and beautiful at the same time. Am I making any sense?

Quote from Phil

Luke: There is no bad part. Actually, you guys are gonna make money. Because I have to drop out of school to do it.
Claire: [laughs] You're not dropping out of school.
Phil: Honey...
Claire: No.
Phil: I... I got this. But we should've seen it coming. After all, his dad is the creator of the Hey Batter, Batter. The name's a placeholder.
Claire: But probably still available.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Dad, I want you to know I love your pancake shooter.
Phil: Have you seen the updates... to... the Insta-Cold straw?
Luke: You should be on a stamp.
Claire: Has that ever not electrocuted someone?
Phil: Sometimes you have to shock a few people before you shock the world.
Luke: That should go on your stamp.
Claire: Okay, stop flattering your dad. You're not dropping out of school.

Quote from Phil

Claire: He's not dropping out of school.
Phil: You have got to listen with an open mind. After all, what kind of world would we live in if all parents forced their kids to stay in school and not pursue their dreams? No Steve Jobs, no Mark Zuckerberg, no Cindy Crawford.
Claire: Steve Jobs put a computer in everyone's pocket. Luke almost died taking off a hoodie on an escalator.
Phil: My point is, dreams need to be fostered. And if I'm being honest, I kind of love the idea of being a mentor to these two young minds. [electricity crackles, groans] Wooden spoon! Knock it away with a wooden spoon! Thank you. [falls to the ground]

Quote from Jay

Jay: There's my great-grandchildren. Do they recognize faces? Do I need to start slipping them cash to let them know who's in charge?
Haley: [laughs] Grandpa, you don't need to buy their love. Buy mine, and I'll talk you up.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, mis niños, Gloria has planned a very exciting afternoon for you. Let's see. Who is ready to reject Satan and all his empty promises?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Today, I'm having the babies secretly baptized, both into Catholicism and into the crazy things we do to each other in this family.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait. Um, you're... you're Scooter? I-I was expecting someone younger, maybe wearing Heelys and a backpack.

Quote from Claire

Margaret: Psst, Claire? Um, I have Nick on the phone from Fiji.
Phil: We're in the middle of something, Margaret.
Margaret: He says it's an emergency.
Claire: Ugh.
Margaret: He's on my phone. It's in the solarium.
Claire: It's a bay window, Margaret.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] "How gorgeous does Mitchell look in this picture?" Aww. "Proud to be married to a man who fights for justice." Aww. "Mitchell over his cold. Hope my hubby brings the love tonight." Ew, my dad liked that. Euch.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, you're back!
Jay: Why do you sound surprised? You cut my brakes or something? [Gloria laughs] What the hell's a priest doing here?
Gloria: Oh, it's just a check-up. One of the babies maybe is... possessed.
Jay: Wait, are you baptizing them behind Haley and what's-his-name's back? You can't do that to other people's kids!
Gloria: It's not a big deal. If it works, the babies are protected, their souls are safe, and they're gonna spend eternity in Heaven. If it doesn't, it's just like I gave them a little bath.

Quote from Jay

Father Ramizez: [Spanish: "Gloria, who is this grumpy old man?"]
Jay: "Viejo." I know that word. Hmm? Did Father Time here just call me old?

Quote from Jay

Haley: Why didn't you just ask us?
Gloria: I did. I did ask you. You said yes. I think you were very drunk.
Jay: Haley, New-Phil, do you really want this baptism?

Quote from Jay

Gloria: I'm sorry that I didn't ask you before. I really wanted to do this for George and Poppy. Baptism is gonna allow their souls to find eternal peace.
Haley: What's the catch?
Jay: Well, there's a lot of donations and some shame around sex, but Christmas is fun.

Quote from Haley

Haley: You know, last year, Dylan and I went to Yosemite, and we woke up really early one morning, and it was just us and those gorgeous mountains, a bunch of huge trees, and a family of deer. It was so beautiful, and it made me feel like I was connected to something bigger than myself. [chuckles] You know what, maybe one day we can get them baptized in a church, but for now, why don't we take them up to Yosemite and look up and say thank you?
Jay: That sounds like a great plan, Haley.
Gloria: Yeah. And maybe roast some marshmallows while you're there so that they get used to being around fire.

Quote from Luke

Phil: It's an amazing idea. Okay. But why didn't he come to me?
Luke: Because you love everything I do. I wanted to make sure this was actually a good idea.
Phil: That is so smart. How is someone this handsome...
Luke: Okay, this is what I'm talking about. I love inventing with you, but this is a business. And Scooter has a lot of experience. That doesn't take away from all of the things that we've made together. All of that stuff brought me here.
Phil: Really?
Luke: You can't spell FormFiller without Phil.
Claire: But you know you can, right?
Luke: The man's hurting. I'm throwing him a bone.

Quote from Claire

Margaret: Hear, hear! To our next adventure! Oh, I found this in the wine cellar.
Claire: It's a basement, Margaret.


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