Mitchell: I'm surprised you can't see the humor in what the mascot is doing. Isn't it a lot like clowning?
Cameron: What did you just say?
Lily: Are you insane?
Cameron: Mascot-ing is nothing like clowning! Clowns are descendants of the court jester, truth-teller to the king. Mascots know nothing of veritas and beauty.
Mitchell: Don't you just make wiener dogs out of balloons?
Cameron: You are just jealous because no kid ever said, "Hey, Mom, this year for my birthday, can we get a narc?"

Cameron: Well, you always said you were okay with moving back to Missouri at some point, turning our little family into a "farmily."
Mitchell: You know I hate that word.
Cameron: Why? It's descriptive and fun. And you know what? Look, if I got this job, I would be the first openly gay college football coach in history, and I would think you'd support that.
Mitchell: And I would think that you would ask me before uprooting our whole farmily... Gah. Damn it, it's in there now!

Gloria: Hello, mis niños.
Haley: Thank you so much for watching the babies for a few hours.
Dylan: If you have trouble telling them apart, just take off their diapers. I wrote George's name inside his.

Jay: Are we babysitting? Should I cancel golf?
Gloria: No, no, no, no, I know how important it is for you and your friends to complain about how young people today are slightly different than your generation.
Jay: Vin Diesel is just Telly Savalas without the lollipop and a great catchphrase.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Except for Father Ramirez, all the priests I asked were "uncomfortable" with my secret baptism. They said it was "borderline kidnapping," that they found my trickery "devilish." It's like, when did Catholics become so judgmental?

Haley: Why is there a priest here?
Dylan: I told you, Poppy's possessed! Everybody can see it but you.

Haley: Ugh. I don't even know how I can decide, but I guess it can't hurt.
Gloria: Yahoo! You're going to the kingdom of Heaven. And there, you're going to join the souls of some of our greats, like Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, Danny DeVito when he dies.

Haley: Well, I'm sorry. It just... It suddenly just got very real, and it does not feel right, and I don't know why, Grandpa, am I making too much of this? I...
Gloria: Don't ask him because he doesn't even believe in God.
Jay: I just don't think you need church, costumes, all that stuff to feel a higher power.
Haley: But you think there is one?
Jay: Yeah, I felt it when my kids were born, and, um, when I met this crazy woman here that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but, you know, it can be just a normal everyday thing, too. You know, like the way it makes me feel when I hear a baseball thump into a mitt, or the way Tom Waits' voice can somehow be ugly and beautiful at the same time. Am I making any sense?

Haley: I don't know. We've barely thought about it. Dylan did say that he was going to research some religions.
Dylan: I'm halfway through this Jim Jones documentary. So far, that religion seems pretty cool.

Luke: There is no bad part. Actually, you guys are gonna make money. Because I have to drop out of school to do it.
Claire: [laughs] You're not dropping out of school.
Phil: Honey...
Claire: No.
Phil: I... I got this. But we should've seen it coming. After all, his dad is the creator of the Hey Batter, Batter. The name's a placeholder.
Claire: But probably still available.