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35Quotes from ‘Knock 'Em Down’

Modern Family: Knock 'Em Down

620. Knock 'Em Down

Aired April 22, 2015

Jay agrees to be a substitute on Cameron's bowling team, unaware it's an all gay league. Phil and Claire bond with their neighbors Ronnie and Amber over a shared distaste for a neighbor's phallic statue. Meanwhile, Gloria and Mitch try to hold onto their youth when they join Haley on a night out.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, you better start feeling it soon. We need to win so I can stick it to that smug Martin Sherman.
Gloria: Who's Martin Sherman?
Cameron: Only my archrival.
Jay: I thought your rival was that blond Christmas caroler.
Gloria: No, it's the Spanish teacher at his school.
Mitchell: Cam has lots of rivals especially if you count that bag boy-
Cameron: I told you never say his name.
Mitchell: I didn't say his name. I don't know his name.
Cameron: It's Todd. Always putting my canned goods on top of my produce. I'd like to squash his squash.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: No one's gonna believe I'm gay.
Cameron: Oh, why, because you're not flouncy enough? Jay, that's offensive. There's all kinds of gays. You've got your Broadway gays, your gym gays, your twinks, your bears, your otters, your "Hey, girl" gays. You've got your pups, your cubs, your chubs. And most prominently, you've got your "Average Joes who you would never know are gay" gays.
Jay: What the hell is an otter?
Cameron: Lane 20. White pants. Look, you don't have to do anything differently. Just be yourself. You're gay enough.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: We won! We won! This is the fifth-happiest moment of my life!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Adopting Lily, marrying Mitchell, high school football championship and sitting behind Sarah Jessica Parker at Wicked.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The ride home, while less than a mile long, was interminable.
Claire: Whatever bridges had been built were burned like my fish was, which is why red wine was a-
Phil: Hey, honey, you don't have to defend yourself. When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color. She'll drink whatever's put in front of her.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I look at this, and I'm like, "What the hell? Where's the sparkle? Where's the guy that scored the winning touchdown and was carried off by his team?" This guy looks like he was carried off by the current.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] It's my league finals and Jay agreed to fill in for our star bowler, Maurice who's recovering from a groin pull. An actual groin pull not the party on Fire Island.

Quote from Gloria

Cameron: Ten dollars says you guys will be home in bed before we are.
Mitchell: No, no, no, no, no. You two will be sleeping and Gloria and Haley and I will still be dancing.
Jay: This one? Joe tucks her in.
Gloria: How would you know? You go to bed right after you get mad at the news.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] I've had this listing for two months and I can't move it because of the statue across the street. It's called Marble with Wood and let's just say it's made entirely of marble.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Hey! I am in the best mood. My Uber driver looked just like Adam Driver.

Quote from Haley

Haley: It's 8:30. The doors don't even open for another hour.
Mitchell: Well, then, what are you doing here?
Haley: Pregame! Mojitos and cosmos the drinks of your peoples.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Gloria: Does she think we're 50?
Mitchell: No, no. She's just really bad at math.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Jay.
Jay: Don't worry. I'll pick up the spare.
Cameron: No, no, no. We got bigger problems. Um, Martin's onto us. You need to flounce it up a little bit.
Jay: But you said that was offensive, remember? The otters and weasels and stuff.
Cameron: You know what's more offensive? Martin winning. So we need to get you lighter in those rental loafers.
Jay: What gave me away? I'm not handsome enough, is that it?
Cameron: Perfect. Insecure and superficial. It's a great start.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That's a $500 bottle of wine. That's like a hundred bottles of your wine.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: I told him you have a crush on him.
Jay: Why would you do that?
Cameron: I had no choice.
Jay: So you tricked me into coming here. You made me gay. Now I have a boyfriend. All these lies just to win a trophy?
Cameron: Yes.
Jay: I respect that.

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: Oh, those are my friends. They're out front dropping off our wristbands.
Mitchell: Oh. What comes before part "B"?
Haley: Hmm?
Mitchell: Partay!

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: No, Gloria, come on. Get up. Get up. Come on. Staying up all night it's in your blood. You come from the land of coffee and cocaine.
Gloria: You too. Nobody likes to dance more than the gays. Pretend you're on a float.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Availability of rope isn't really the issue here. It's-It's destruction of property. It's against the law.
Phil: Yeah.
Ronnie: So?
Claire: Ronnie, we live in a civilized society. We're not those kinds of people, you know?
Ronnie: Says the lady who, uh, paired my Cabernet with fish.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm not getting good rotation tonight.
Martin: Certainly made my head spin.
Jay: Oh, what can I say to that? Hey, can I ask you something? What do you think of that picture?
Martin: Doesn't look a thing like you.
Jay: Exactly what I've been saying.
Martin: Not the man sitting next to me. Rugged good looks. [Jay chuckles] Broad shoulders. Piercing blue eyes. Hell, you're you're somewhere between Kevin Costner and Channing Tatum.
Jay: Who wouldn't want to be between them, huh?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Our team had really found its groove. We quickly eliminated the Pinafores and Alley of the Dolls, putting us in the finals against my archrival. In the tradition of Red Sox/Yankees, Ali/Frazier it all came down to the Britney Spares versus Martin and his Merry Men.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I can't allow this to happen! I'm a respected member of the community! I'm on bus benches!

Quote from Jay

Jay: Well, listen, I wasn't feeling great about myself tonight and you helped get me out of that funk. And it wouldn't be right for me to let you leave feeling bad.
Martin: Oh.
Jay: You're a great guy and the reason I turned you down is because... [chuckles] It's much harder to say out loud than I thought. I'm- I'm not gay.
Martin: You're straight?
Cameron: Who's what? What's happening?
Jay: Whoa, it feels good to finally tell someone. For four hours, I've been living in fear that I'd be found out. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Right.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, Dad.
Jay: What do you think of the picture on my new Costco card?
Mitchell: You've never put your actual face that close to mine.
Gloria: Jay thinks that-
Jay: Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup. Let him answer.
Mitchell: Uh... Okay, you look good.
Jay: This looks nothing like me!
Mitchell: Maybe 'cause you're not yelling in it.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I have half a mind to cut this up and never go back there.
Gloria: Maybe you can use one of the scissors from the eight-pack that we bought.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Tonight, we are going out big. [humming]
Cameron: Oh, yeah! Yes, you're very hip. That's the theme song to the Antiques Roadshow.
Mitchell: He's right. That's embarrassing.

Quote from Alex

Claire: We've got to do something about this. It's obscene.
Alex: That's what they said about The Catcher in the Rye when it first came out.
Claire: You're not helping.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, don't you just love it the crash of the pins the smell of the rental shoe spray?
Jay: Yeah, it does kind of get the blood going.
Cameron: Oh, one small detail. This is an all-gay bowling league, so I told everyone you're all gay.

Quote from Jay

Martin: Hello, Cameron. I thought I smelled failure and cheap hair spray.
Cameron: Oh, hello, Martin. You're looking unwell.
Martin: Could you do that thing you did last year where you lose and then you try and throw a chair but not realize it's bolted down and wrench your back and then curse at me while I wave a trophy in your big red face? Could you?
Cameron: [laughs] Boy, look at you. You're all worked up. It must have been a tough day assistant managing that Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Martin: It's a Michaels and you know it, you son of a bitch!
Jay: [to Cameron] Fine. I'll do it. I don't like that guy. But what happens if somebody I know comes in here and thinks I'm living a secret life?
Cameron: Jay, trust me, if someone you know comes in here tonight, they're living a secret life.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: All right. Let's get crazy. I'll uncover the cheese.
Haley: So we'll meet my friends outside the club at, like, 10:30.
Mitchell: 10:30?
Haley: Yeah, the band doesn't go on until midnight.
Gloria: Midnight?
Haley: Okay, if you guys can't hear me now we're gonna have some real problems at the club.

Quote from Cameron

Martin: Who's your new guy?
Cameron: He's my husband's uncle. Oh, you look confused. A husband is somebody who loves you that you don't have to pay.

Quote from Cameron

Martin: Oh, come on, Cam. Admit it. Uncle Jay not gay.
Cameron: Oh, my God. You could not be more wrong. Look, okay. If he's acting a little weird, it's just because... he totally likes you.
Martin: No, he doesn't. [chuckling] What did he say?
Cameron: Okay, look, h-h-he didn't want me to say anything because he's shy. That's why he's being so awkward.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Hey, when did you get back?
Haley: Like an hour ago.
Mitchell: Oh, really? I must have grabbed a little disco nap.
Haley: I don't know what that means.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: Let's do this! Let's do this! Let's do this! ... I can't do this.
Gloria: Me either. We're almost 50!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Guess what, Jay. You're my new archrival.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, Buddy.
Amber: Oh, don't call a cop "buddy." They hate that.
Phil: No, that's his name. I sold him a condo.
Buddy: Phil?
Phil: Yeah, Buddy. The four of us were at dinner. I can vouch for it. If you're looking to solve a crime, this one here had red wine with fish.

Quote from Luke

Alex: It's unbelievable.
Mom and Dad are sitting outside with the neighbors they used to hate yukking it up like they're all best friends.
And why?
Luke: Because there's wine?
Alex: No. Because of art. That statue that was so offensive provoked a conversation. That's what art does. It brings people together.
Luke: Even if it's gross?
Alex: One person's gross is another person's beautiful.
Luke: Wow. That's really powerful. Do you think this could bring people together? It's a self-portrait of my junk.
Alex: Never speak to me again.
Luke: Hypocrite!


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