Cameron: Well, you better start feeling it soon. We need to win so I can stick it to that smug Martin Sherman.
Gloria: Who's Martin Sherman?
Cameron: Only my archrival.
Jay: I thought your rival was that blond Christmas caroler.
Gloria: No, it's the Spanish teacher at his school.
Mitchell: Cam has lots of rivals especially if you count that bag boy-
Cameron: I told you never say his name.
Mitchell: I didn't say his name. I don't know his name.
Cameron: It's Todd. Always putting my canned goods on top of my produce. I'd like to squash his squash.

Jay: No one's gonna believe I'm gay.
Cameron: Oh, why, because you're not flouncy enough? Jay, that's offensive. There's all kinds of gays. You've got your Broadway gays, your gym gays, your twinks, your bears, your otters, your "Hey, girl" gays. You've got your pups, your cubs, your chubs. And most prominently, you've got your "Average Joes who you would never know are gay" gays.
Jay: What the hell is an otter?
Cameron: Lane 20. White pants. Look, you don't have to do anything differently. Just be yourself. You're gay enough.

Cameron: We won! We won! This is the fifth-happiest moment of my life!
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Adopting Lily, marrying Mitchell, high school football championship and sitting behind Sarah Jessica Parker at Wicked.

Phil: [aside to camera] The ride home, while less than a mile long, was interminable.
Claire: Whatever bridges had been built were burned like my fish was, which is why red wine was a-
Phil: Hey, honey, you don't have to defend yourself. When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color. She'll drink whatever's put in front of her.

Haley: Hey! I am in the best mood. My Uber driver looked just like Adam Driver.

Jay: [aside to camera] I look at this, and I'm like, "What the hell? Where's the sparkle? Where's the guy that scored the winning touchdown and was carried off by his team?" This guy looks like he was carried off by the current.

Cameron: [aside to camera] It's my league finals and Jay agreed to fill in for our star bowler, Maurice who's recovering from a groin pull. An actual groin pull not the party on Fire Island.

Cameron: Ten dollars says you guys will be home in bed before we are.
Mitchell: No, no, no, no, no. You two will be sleeping and Gloria and Haley and I will still be dancing.
Jay: This one? Joe tucks her in.
Gloria: How would you know? You go to bed right after you get mad at the news.

Phil: [aside to camera] I've had this listing for two months and I can't move it because of the statue across the street. It's called Marble with Wood and let's just say it's made entirely of marble.

Haley: It's 8:30. The doors don't even open for another hour.
Mitchell: Well, then, what are you doing here?
Haley: Pregame! Mojitos and cosmos the drinks of your peoples.