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46Quotes from ‘Party Crasher’

Modern Family: Party Crasher

412. Party Crasher

Aired January 16, 2013

Jay and Gloria run around town as they try to throw a surprise party for Manny's fourteenth birthday. Meanwhile, Phil and Claire disagree over how to deal with the older guy that Haley is hanging out with, and Cameron worries that Lily is closer to Mitchell than she is with him.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Ow! [crashing sounds, beeping]
Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Oh, please. Do not blame me. We always knew there was a strong possibility she'd be a terrible driver.

Quote from Phil

Claire: He's old. She's young. It's gross.
Phil: Honey, nothing's happening. Young people seek out older mentors all the time. When I was 17, I was really close with my friend Stacy's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader, so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me. If I had the chance to go over there, I never missed an opportunity.
Claire: I think maybe you did.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, everybody. So We sing, then presents, then cake. That's a Colombian tradition. And we do not speak of what happened before. Nobody saw anything. That's another Colombian tradition.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Nice game of chicken, Claire. She's gone!
Claire: She is coming back. I am almost positive.
Phil: Almost?!
Claire: Mm-hmm!
Phil: Why do I listen to you? Why? You were wrong about the iPod being a failure. You were wrong about tomato being a vegetable. I don't even want to talk about your favorite "planet" Pluto! And unless she was lying to the good ladies of "The View," it's "De-mi," not "Dem-mi"!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I wasn't sorry. It was a setup.
Gloria: We're throwing him a big surprise birthday party.
Jay: And he totally fell for it, the little jerk. I mean, that's the whole point of a surprise party. You take someone who you really love and you play 'em like a fool.
Gloria: That's not the whole point of all this. Manny has been feeling a little bit neglected, and I wanted to give him the most special day. This is the last birthday that it's only going to be the three of us.
Jay: I can't wait to see the little dope's face.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil! That is a date. They're going on a date.
Phil: What? He's practically my age.
Claire: Okay. Uh, yeah, right, right. And what middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh, that's right! All of them.
Phil: That's not true. I wouldn't.
Claire: Really? Hermione Granger?
Phil: What?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: I'm just a "Harry Potter" fan.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Has she blossomed into a lovely young lady? Yes, but-- Luke, I'm never telling you anything!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh, my God, Jay! Look how beautiful!
Jay: Look at this. But the bookstore is empty. That's why China's kicking our ass.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, y-you got her a car?
Cameron: I can't help it that you skimped on your wedding.
Mitchell: Okay, look, I-I know what's underneath all this, all right? Right now in your life, you're feeling, you know, very...
Mitchell: No. Please do not turn me marrying my daughter into something ugly.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I need to keep my eyes on Phil.
Mitchell: Ooh, what's happening?
Claire: He's about to drop the hammer on Haley's new boyfriend. He's twice her age, and it's disgusting.
Mitchell: Yeah, reminds me of a certain manager at the Cheesecake Factory that you dated.
Claire: Oh. Todd. Mm. He had a Camaro and power.
Mitchell: Ugh! He was nasty. You just did it to get a rise out of dad.
Claire: Yeah, well, look how well that worked out. It didn't bother dad at all, and then I was stuck with a guy who smelled like potato skins and said "supposably."

Quote from Alex

Gloria: Okay, Manny is going to be here soon, so let's go over the plan. When we hear him coming, we turn off the light. Then when he comes in and turns it on, we all scream "Surprise!"
Alex: You got a pen? I wanna write this down.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny? Manny, please come out.
Manny: [o.s.] Unless you're here to cut a food slot on my door, you can leave now.
Gloria: Nobody's going to make fun of you.
Manny: Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut. I just gave them a full-blown sex scandal.
Gloria: No, everybody's so excited to celebrate with you. Ay, no.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The baby was ready, but I was not. It was bad enough that Manny had to share his mother. I couldn't let him share a birthday, too.
[back:]
Gloria: You stay in there!
Manny: [o.s.] I thought you wanted me to come out.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Every day at 2:30, I call Lily, and we dunk a cookie together. And yesterday I forgot. Forgot my own daughter. And obviously, she resents me for it. It's why she asked you to marry her, to get back at me.
Mitchell: Okay, here I- I need to point out that she's 5 and not a character from "Dynasty."
Cameron: And as much as I try to connect with her, I just keep making it worse.
Mitchell: Maybe you're just trying too hard.

Quote from Jay

Jay: We're gonna pop on over to the hospital. Pizza's on the way. You think about it, run a mop over this area?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, look. Yeah, I've felt a little neglected lately, but I've had you to myself for 14 years.
Gloria: That makes me a little sad.
Jay: Oh, please. If we had actually forgotten his birthday, he'd be out right now kissing a cute brunette. Things work out.
Gloria: You know that I love you no matter what?
Manny: You're trying to hold another person inside of you to spare my feelings. Message received.

Quote from Alex

[Jay's high-pitched scream]
Kenny: Ah, she's gettin' close. She's at, like, eight beautiful centimeters. [to Alex] Hey. I don't think we've met. I'm Kenny.
Alex: Hi. I'm disgusted.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell. When she fell in the pool, she screamed for daddy. She calls you "dad." She calls me "daddy." She got scared, and she called out for me.
Mitchell: See?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I guess daddy was worrying about nothing. But, you know, I can be silly sometimes.
Lily: You're always silly. [playfully pushing Cameron]
Cameron: No, you're silly. [pushes her back]
Lily: No, you're always silly. [pushes him back]
Cameron: No, you're always silly. [pushes Lily off the chair] Oh, my God. What's wrong with me?

Quote from Phil

Haley: You were going to let me go with him?!
Claire: Isn't that what you wanted, honey?
Haley: What's the matter with you?! You've been acting so weird ever since I left college!
Claire: For the record, you didn't leave college. You were asked to leave.
Haley: Oh, which you guys never let me forget, especially Dad.
Claire: Honey, your father-
Haley: Oh, you don't have to tell me what he thinks, okay? I'm a huge disappointment to him. I see it on his face every day. He acts as if he doesn't even want me around.
Phil: [emerging from the elevator] Give me the ticket for the car.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: No, I'm going after her! This little chicken game may work for you dad, but it doesn't work for me. That's my little girl. I need her to know that no guy on earth is good enough for her, let alone some slimy, middle-aged jean salesman! [Haley hugs Phil] What's this?
Claire: Just enjoy it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: There's all kinds of milestones in life, the kind you expect to live through. The first kiss. Birthdays. Graduations. If you're lucky, a wedding or two. Or even a new addition to the family. Then there's the kind you never dreamed you'd get to live through again. And that's the best kind of all.
Joe: [gargles]
Jay: Why am I spoiling it for you? You'll see for yourself.

Quote from Jay

Phil: So wait. He- He's my uncle?
Manny: No. He's your half-brother-in-law.
Alex: He's our uncle.
Cameron: Half-uncle or full uncle?
Haley: What's a fuluncle
Jay: Okay, so don't feel like you gotta stick around.

Quote from Luke

Phil: He's adorable!
Luke: Is he?
Lily: I don't like this one bit.
Luke: We'll talk.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: And then that smug Carol Chu was all, "You can't dig without an environment impact study." And them I was like, "Bam!" And then I slapped the study onto Charlie's desk, and Carol was like, "But... But... But..." and then I was like, "Chu on that!"
Cameron: You said that?
Mitchell: Well, not with my mouth. With my eyes and my swivel.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I'm an idiot. I know Cam's been struggling since he went back to teaching. The students, the faculty, none of it's clicking. The last thing he needed was me going on about my latest work triumph. And then it got worse.
[cut to:]
Lily: Come on, daddy. It's time for our wedding.
Cameron: What's happening?
Mitchell: Oh, Lily and I are gettin' married.

Quote from Luke

Luke: [British accent] This is very rare indeed. Geekus nerdipithicus in its natural habitat, alone as usual.
Alex: Mine!
Luke: Hey, give it back. Gloria asked me to record Manny's birthday. Mom!
Claire: Alex, give it back to your brot- Mmm, sorry. I tried to care.

Quote from Phil

Haley: This is everything I made at the boutique last week. I'm not gonna have any money left for me.
Phil: Should've thought of that before you got thrown out of school. You live here, you pay rent.
Haley: You used to be fun.
Phil: You used to be- What? Oh, yeah, at college.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Mom, this is Kenny. And, dad, you already met.
Phil: Uh, yeah. First of all, Kenny, sick ponytail.
Kenny: Oh, thanks, man.
Haley: Kenny designs jeans for our boutique.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Kenny: Oh! That reminds me. [to Phi] I got something for you. What are you, a 32-34?
Claire: What are you, 36, 38?
Phil: What are you, in my mind?

Quote from Claire

Haley: Kenny is kind of a big deal. What does that fashion web site call you again?
Kenny: A "Jean-ius." Spelled like "jeans."
Claire: Oh.
Kenny: Mortifying. And a "rack star."
Claire: Oh.
Kenny: Hey, what was the headline again? Oh, yeah. "He's denim-ite."
Claire: What an embarrassing week you've been having.
Kenny: I'm just trying to stay fresh creatively, you know? Made my bones in men's apparel, and now I'm working with these local boutiques Just trying to get into girls' jeans.
Claire: Phil!

Quote from Phil

Phil: There's no Phil here! These jeans just slipped on me so perfectly, my name must be pantsarella.
Kenny: Boom! Comfortable, right?
Phil: Like a diaper.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Excuse me. Mm. We're in a hurry. We have a birthday party.
Bakery worker: Oh, why didn't you say something? We don't see many of those around here.
Gloria: You think you can intimidate me with that attitude? What do I look like to you?
Bakery worker: 34!
Gloria: Thank you, but the point is that my son is waiting in...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, let's get your hospital band off.
Lily: I like it.
Cameron: Okay, that can be your "something blue" then.
Mitchell: Cam?
Lily: Daddy, I wanna drive my car.
Mitchell: A car? Oh. A car.
Cameron: Just a second, sweetie. Okay, does anyone know a reason why these two shouldn't be wed?
Mitchell: She's my wife.
Cameron: Okay, so by the power vested in me by the state of Candy Land-
Mitchell: And Utah.
Cameron: I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Quote from Luke

Luke: The gala celebration is only minutes away. Delectable refreshments, excited classmates, and what's this? The most beautiful sight of all?
[Luke films Lily, who in addition to her eye patch is now wearing a neck brace]
Lily: Go away!

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm gonna fight him.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: No, Claire, I'm gonna fight him up real nice.
Claire: How about you start with a threat?

Quote from Claire

Claire: I know why Haley is doing this. She's doing it to get back at you for being so hard on her. I did the same thing to my dad.
Phil: First of all, I'm not your dad. And do you think I'm just gonna let this happen?
Claire: Trust me. The more it bothers you, the longer he stays. The more we ignore it...
Kenny: Up top, dad! Yeah! Nailed it.
Claire: The sooner Willie Nelson's on the road again.
Phil: I'm so conflicted. What you're saying makes sense up here, but it's not what I wanna do here. And I just feel so damn comfortable down here.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Sweetie, I brought you a cookie.
Lily: I ate at the emergency room.
Cameron: Oh. You worked that in seamlessly.

Quote from Luke

Luke: And the surprised becomes the surpriser. This party had everything.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, kid. That was rough.
Manny: Go away!
Jay: But there's an upside. The best thing about kissing a girl is you get to tell your friends. The problem is, they never believe you. But you had witnesses.

Quote from Claire

Kenny: Ha! We're gonna be talking about this one for years to come, aren't we?
Claire: You said it, Kenny.

Quote from Haley

Kenny: Manny seems to me like a- like a real old soul.
Haley: Kenny is amazing at telling the age of a soul.
Kenny: Mm-hmm. Aw! Thanks, babe. Age is nothin' but a state of mind, you know?
Claire: Yeah.
Kenny: I mean, I'm probably more of a 14-year-old than he is, and believe me, I know 14-year-olds.
Haley: He has a 14-year-old daughter.

Quote from Phil

[As Phil lines up behind Kenny's ponytail with a pair of garden shears]
Claire: They have a gardener. Trust me on this.
Phil: I want to, but you're just so wrong about so many things.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Hey, Cam, I-I'm so sorry that I insulted you earlier. I thought that there was something going on at work, and, ugh, obviously, I was wrong.
Cameron: Well, you're wrong again. It is about work.
Mitchell: This is a fun game.
Cameron: I didn't bring it up before because I was embarrassed. But yesterday was the best day I've had at work yet. I clicked with the students, the teachers. I finally felt like I belonged.
Mitchell: I get it.
Cameron: You couldn't possibly get it. I'm in the middle of my story.
Mitchell: I'm sorry.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Here he is, the man of the hour- Ah!
Jay: Gloria, you okay?
Gloria: No, I'm fine! I'm fine. Hap- Aaah! Aah!
Luke: No way! She peed!
Alex: Her water broke!
Manny: So far, 14's not my favorite age.
Gloria: No, it's nothing! Keep singing! Keep singing! Hap- Ay!

Quote from Luke

Luke: And the birthday video becomes a nature film.
Claire: Luke, come on.

Quote from Gloria

[high-pitched scream]
Manny: Oh, my gosh! It's happening!
[in the hospital room, Jay is screaming as Gloria squeezes his hands]
Gloria: Ay. Ay, Manny, I am so sorry about today. I just wanted you to have a happy birthday.
Jay: And speaking of birth- days!
Gloria: Don't listen to him. I'm not letting this baby out before midnight. This is your day. I'm not gonna let you share it every year, okay?

Quote from Lily

Nurse: Oh! Look who's back... Again. What happened this time?
Lily: He threw me in the pool.
Mitchell: Uh- Oh, no. No, that's not what happened.
Luke: It kind of is.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: The contractions are coming a little bit closer. I think we have to call for a nurse.
Gloria: No, no, Jay! No, please! I'm sorry.
Jay: For what?
Gloria: I don't know yet, but I know that babies make mothers crazy. And I'm going to be making mistakes, and the I'm going to be blaming you. Please don't leave me.
Jay: You're a little emotional right now.
Gloria: But it's been so long for me, and a hundred years for you. Are we still going to be good at this?
Jay: It's gonna be an adventure, but that's what you and I do best. Look at today. I can't ever remember having more fun with you.
Gloria: I'm so lucky. Now get out.
Jay: But I thought you wanted me to-
Gloria: No, not you. Get out!

Quote from Claire

Haley: Hey, guys? So Kenny and I were thinking about going to this restaurant.
Claire: Oh, sure. I don't have a problem with that. Do you, Phil?
Phil: No. In fact, it has been such a pleasure getting to know Kenny, it's our treat.
Haley: Are you kidding?
Phil: No!
Claire: Give them your credit card, Phil.
Haley: Also, uh, this restaurant is pretty far away, so we might be out late.
Claire: Well, sweetheart, you are only young once.
Haley: Oh, might even make sense to just stay in a hotel.
Claire: Okay. Put it on the plastic!
Haley: Great! Okay. See you tomorrow!
Claire: Buh-bye.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, was it difficult?
Gloria: Ay, si. It was the most painful twenty minutes of my life.
Claire: Oh, well, look at that! You're skinny again.


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