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‘Party Crasher’ Quotes

Modern Family: Party Crasher

412. Party Crasher

Aired January 16, 2013

Jay and Gloria run around town as they try to throw a surprise party for Manny's fourteenth birthday. Meanwhile, Phil and Claire disagree over how to deal with the older guy that Haley is hanging out with, and Cameron worries that Lily is closer to Mitchell than she is with him.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Ow! [crashing sounds, beeping]
Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Oh, please. Do not blame me. We always knew there was a strong possibility she'd be a terrible driver.

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Quote from Phil

Claire: He's old. She's young. It's gross.
Phil: Honey, nothing's happening. Young people seek out older mentors all the time. When I was 17, I was really close with my friend Stacy's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader, so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me. If I had the chance to go over there, I never missed an opportunity.
Claire: I think maybe you did.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Okay, everybody. So We sing, then presents, then cake. That's a Colombian tradition. And we do not speak of what happened before. Nobody saw anything. That's another Colombian tradition.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Nice game of chicken, Claire. She's gone!
Claire: She is coming back. I am almost positive.
Phil: Almost?!
Claire: Mm-hmm!
Phil: Why do I listen to you? Why? You were wrong about the iPod being a failure. You were wrong about tomato being a vegetable. I don't even want to talk about your favorite "planet" Pluto! And unless she was lying to the good ladies of "The View," it's "De-mi," not "Dem-mi"!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I wasn't sorry. It was a setup.
Gloria: We're throwing him a big surprise birthday party.
Jay: And he totally fell for it, the little jerk. I mean, that's the whole point of a surprise party. You take someone who you really love and you play 'em like a fool.
Gloria: That's not the whole point of all this. Manny has been feeling a little bit neglected, and I wanted to give him the most special day. This is the last birthday that it's only going to be the three of us.
Jay: I can't wait to see the little dope's face.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil! That is a date. They're going on a date.
Phil: What? He's practically my age.
Claire: Okay. Uh, yeah, right, right. And what middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh, that's right! All of them.
Phil: That's not true. I wouldn't.
Claire: Really? Hermione Granger?
Phil: What?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: I'm just a "Harry Potter" fan.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Has she blossomed into a lovely young lady? Yes, but-- Luke, I'm never telling you anything!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh, my God, Jay! Look how beautiful!
Jay: Look at this. But the bookstore is empty. That's why China's kicking our ass.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Cam, y-you got her a car?
Cameron: I can't help it that you skimped on your wedding.
Mitchell: Okay, look, I-I know what's underneath all this, all right? Right now in your life, you're feeling, you know, very...
Mitchell: No. Please do not turn me marrying my daughter into something ugly.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I need to keep my eyes on Phil.
Mitchell: Ooh, what's happening?
Claire: He's about to drop the hammer on Haley's new boyfriend. He's twice her age, and it's disgusting.
Mitchell: Yeah, reminds me of a certain manager at the Cheesecake Factory that you dated.
Claire: Oh. Todd. Mm. He had a Camaro and power.
Mitchell: Ugh! He was nasty. You just did it to get a rise out of dad.
Claire: Yeah, well, look how well that worked out. It didn't bother dad at all, and then I was stuck with a guy who smelled like potato skins and said "supposably."

Quote from Alex

Gloria: Okay, Manny is going to be here soon, so let's go over the plan. When we hear him coming, we turn off the light. Then when he comes in and turns it on, we all scream "Surprise!"
Alex: You got a pen? I wanna write this down.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny? Manny, please come out.
Manny: [o.s.] Unless you're here to cut a food slot on my door, you can leave now.
Gloria: Nobody's going to make fun of you.
Manny: Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut. I just gave them a full-blown sex scandal.
Gloria: No, everybody's so excited to celebrate with you. Ay, no.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The baby was ready, but I was not. It was bad enough that Manny had to share his mother. I couldn't let him share a birthday, too.
[back:]
Gloria: You stay in there!
Manny: [o.s.] I thought you wanted me to come out.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Every day at 2:30, I call Lily, and we dunk a cookie together. And yesterday I forgot. Forgot my own daughter. And obviously, she resents me for it. It's why she asked you to marry her, to get back at me.
Mitchell: Okay, here I- I need to point out that she's 5 and not a character from "Dynasty."
Cameron: And as much as I try to connect with her, I just keep making it worse.
Mitchell: Maybe you're just trying too hard.

Quote from Jay

Jay: We're gonna pop on over to the hospital. Pizza's on the way. You think about it, run a mop over this area?

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, look. Yeah, I've felt a little neglected lately, but I've had you to myself for 14 years.
Gloria: That makes me a little sad.
Jay: Oh, please. If we had actually forgotten his birthday, he'd be out right now kissing a cute brunette. Things work out.
Gloria: You know that I love you no matter what?
Manny: You're trying to hold another person inside of you to spare my feelings. Message received.

Quote from Alex

[Jay's high-pitched scream]
Kenny: Ah, she's gettin' close. She's at, like, eight beautiful centimeters. [to Alex] Hey. I don't think we've met. I'm Kenny.
Alex: Hi. I'm disgusted.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell. When she fell in the pool, she screamed for daddy. She calls you "dad." She calls me "daddy." She got scared, and she called out for me.
Mitchell: See?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I guess daddy was worrying about nothing. But, you know, I can be silly sometimes.
Lily: You're always silly. [playfully pushing Cameron]
Cameron: No, you're silly. [pushes her back]
Lily: No, you're always silly. [pushes him back]
Cameron: No, you're always silly. [pushes Lily off the chair] Oh, my God. What's wrong with me?

Quote from Phil

Haley: You were going to let me go with him?!
Claire: Isn't that what you wanted, honey?
Haley: What's the matter with you?! You've been acting so weird ever since I left college!
Claire: For the record, you didn't leave college. You were asked to leave.
Haley: Oh, which you guys never let me forget, especially Dad.
Claire: Honey, your father-
Haley: Oh, you don't have to tell me what he thinks, okay? I'm a huge disappointment to him. I see it on his face every day. He acts as if he doesn't even want me around.
Phil: [emerging from the elevator] Give me the ticket for the car.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: No, I'm going after her! This little chicken game may work for you dad, but it doesn't work for me. That's my little girl. I need her to know that no guy on earth is good enough for her, let alone some slimy, middle-aged jean salesman! [Haley hugs Phil] What's this?
Claire: Just enjoy it.

Quote from Jay

Jay: There's all kinds of milestones in life, the kind you expect to live through. The first kiss. Birthdays. Graduations. If you're lucky, a wedding or two. Or even a new addition to the family. Then there's the kind you never dreamed you'd get to live through again. And that's the best kind of all.
Joe: [gargles]
Jay: Why am I spoiling it for you? You'll see for yourself.

Quote from Jay

Phil: So wait. He- He's my uncle?
Manny: No. He's your half-brother-in-law.
Alex: He's our uncle.
Cameron: Half-uncle or full uncle?
Haley: What's a fuluncle
Jay: Okay, so don't feel like you gotta stick around.

Quote from Luke

Phil: He's adorable!
Luke: Is he?
Lily: I don't like this one bit.
Luke: We'll talk.


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