Lily: Ow! [crashing sounds, beeping]
Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Oh, please. Do not blame me. We always knew there was a strong possibility she'd be a terrible driver.

Claire: He's old. She's young. It's gross.
Phil: Honey, nothing's happening. Young people seek out older mentors all the time. When I was 17, I was really close with my friend Stacy's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader, so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me. If I had the chance to go over there, I never missed an opportunity.
Claire: I think maybe you did.

Gloria: Okay, everybody. So We sing, then presents, then cake. That's a Colombian tradition. And we do not speak of what happened before. Nobody saw anything. That's another Colombian tradition.

Phil: Nice game of chicken, Claire. She's gone!
Claire: She is coming back. I am almost positive.
Phil: Almost?!
Claire: Mm-hmm!
Phil: Why do I listen to you? Why? You were wrong about the iPod being a failure. You were wrong about tomato being a vegetable. I don't even want to talk about your favorite "planet" Pluto! And unless she was lying to the good ladies of "The View," it's "De-mi," not "Dem-mi"!

Jay: There's all kinds of milestones in life, the kind you expect to live through. The first kiss. Birthdays. Graduations. If you're lucky, a wedding or two. Or even a new addition to the family. Then there's the kind you never dreamed you'd get to live through again. And that's the best kind of all.
Joe: [gargles]
Jay: Why am I spoiling it for you? You'll see for yourself.

Haley: You were going to let me go with him?!
Claire: Isn't that what you wanted, honey?
Haley: What's the matter with you?! You've been acting so weird ever since I left college!
Claire: For the record, you didn't leave college. You were asked to leave.
Haley: Oh, which you guys never let me forget, especially Dad.
Claire: Honey, your father-
Haley: Oh, you don't have to tell me what he thinks, okay? I'm a huge disappointment to him. I see it on his face every day. He acts as if he doesn't even want me around.
Phil: [emerging from the elevator] Give me the ticket for the car.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: No, I'm going after her! This little chicken game may work for you dad, but it doesn't work for me. That's my little girl. I need her to know that no guy on earth is good enough for her, let alone some slimy, middle-aged jean salesman! [Haley hugs Phil] What's this?
Claire: Just enjoy it.

Phil: So wait. He- He's my uncle?
Manny: No. He's your half-brother-in-law.
Alex: He's our uncle.
Cameron: Half-uncle or full uncle?
Haley: What's a fuluncle
Jay: Okay, so don't feel like you gotta stick around.

Jay: [aside to camera] I wasn't sorry. It was a setup.
Gloria: We're throwing him a big surprise birthday party.
Jay: And he totally fell for it, the little jerk. I mean, that's the whole point of a surprise party. You take someone who you really love and you play 'em like a fool.
Gloria: That's not the whole point of all this. Manny has been feeling a little bit neglected, and I wanted to give him the most special day. This is the last birthday that it's only going to be the three of us.
Jay: I can't wait to see the little dope's face.

Claire: Phil! That is a date. They're going on a date.
Phil: What? He's practically my age.
Claire: Okay. Uh, yeah, right, right. And what middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh, that's right! All of them.
Phil: That's not true. I wouldn't.
Claire: Really? Hermione Granger?
Phil: What?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: I'm just a "Harry Potter" fan.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Has she blossomed into a lovely young lady? Yes, but-- Luke, I'm never telling you anything!

Gloria: Oh, my God, Jay! Look how beautiful!
Jay: Look at this. But the bookstore is empty. That's why China's kicking our ass.