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‘Perfect Pairs’ Quotes

Modern Family: Perfect Pairs

1103. Perfect Pairs

Aired October 9, 2019

Phil, Claire, Alex and Luke love having the twins around, but taking care of them is exhausting! However, when they realize the babies might help them with a few things on their to-do lists, they offer to give Haley the day off.

Quote from Cameron

[flashback:]
Man: Oh, my God, you guys, let's hurry!
Cameron: Hurrying where?
Man: Uh, there's a retrospective... "Cher in the '70s: Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves."
Cameron: [gasps]
[present:]
Mitchell: You went without me? What do we always say? Every Cher experience should be a shared experience.
Cameron: Shared experience. I'm sorry, Mitchell. If I could turn back time...

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Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam was actually about to tell us what he learned about Picasso.
Paul: Oh, I know so little about him.
Cameron: Well, it... it turns out he was born, um... in the wagon of a... of a traveling... show. His mother, poor thing, she was forced to dance for all...

Quote from Mitchell

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: They even pre-paid for six months.
Cameron: That means they'll be here till Christmas. [gasps] We can include them in our Secret Santa!
Mitchell: Oh, it would be nice not to get Lily again.
Cameron: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Phil

Phil: The Duke... ...becomes a uke... ...becomes a Luke.
Alex: Dad, that was amazing!
Phil: Yeah! Amazing that I think a hacky parlor trick is gonna cut it at SCARB. You heard me right, Alex... SCARB!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The Southern California Area Realtors' Banquet is the biggest event of the year for Southern California Area Realtors. The other events: SCARL, SCARD, SCARP, SCARG, SCARF; t-they're fine, but SCARB, it's... it's the show. I performed at last year's SCARB, and... and I did well. Too well.

Quote from Phil

Phil: For the last year, I haven't paid for a drink in any Realtor bar in California. I've never known that kind of adulation. If I blow it tonight, it all goes away. I'm just another bum walking into Brokers paying for my own Long Escrow Iced Tea!

Quote from Luke

[aside to camera:]
Luke: I told Janice I'm 21. I'm pretty sure she'd break up with me if she found out I wasn't even legal yet. Then she asked if I'd buy wine for dinner tonight.
[cut to Luke presenting Alex's ID at a liquor store:]
Cashier: Mind moving your thumb... Alexandra?
Luke: That's what that's short for?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: It's great seeing you being supportive of Sonia for...
Gloria: [softly] She's an idiot. He's obviously a gold digger, and I'm going to prove it to her.
Jay: How do you know he's a gold digger?
Gloria: He's a starving artist, she has money. Do you really think that someone young and beautiful like that is gonna fall in love with a rich, older person? Never happens.
Jay: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: I hear what I'm saying, and we're fine.

Quote from Lily

Vera: What's this?
Lily: Art project for school. I just grabbed something out of the trash and threw glitter glue on it. Got a 70.
Mitchell: She knows that's out of 100, right?
Brad: Vera went through a Found Art phase. This is, um... This is the Michelangelo's David that she made out of plastic.
Vera: Recycled plastic. We only get one planet, let's take care of it.
Lily: Mm. [quietly, to Mitchell and Cameron] Guess someone's never heard of the moon.

Quote from Cameron

Brad: Oh, hey, speaking of art, you're so lucky to live right around the corner from the museum. Who was your favorite artist in the postimpressionist show?
Cameron: Uh... Uh, w... I mean, gun to my head? I would say...
Brad: Gauguin, perhaps?
Cameron: To the exhibit? Yes. In a heartbeat. Uh, you know, actually, I'm thinking about going today. Would you guys care to join?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: You can't marry my sister.
Nestor: Why?
Gloria: Two words. Maybe one, with a hyphen. Gold digger.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Hey, have you seen Néstor?
Gloria: I sent him off. Nobody's taking anyone's money today.
Manny: Oh, I didn't need that much from him. I just need to reshoot the end of my thesis film. The special effects are weak, and Prague was clearly faked.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What the hell are you talking about?
Manny: Néstor. His family's loaded. I looked him up.
Gloria: [gasps] He's a Berellez? They own a soccer team, 12 hotels, and five judges!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, I want them gone.
Mitchell: Even if you mean kill them, I'm in.
Cameron: I mean, what are we supposed to do? Spend the next six months with our drapes closed, like Pepper after one of his cheek implants fell? Speaking of Picasso.
Mitchell: How are we supposed to get out of this?
Cameron: Move out west. That's what those towns are for... disappearin'.
Mitchell: We live a mile from the ocean. What town?

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Lily, how...
Lily: I set up my mirror so I could see her cards. I had to! I couldn't stand her making me feel bad about myself.
Mitchell: No, no, I get it. I'm not sure they don't enjoy making people feel inferior.
Lily: Which is something you guys could never do.
Both: Aww!
Mitchell: Wait, did she just say that we could never make people feel inferior because we're so inferior ourselves?
Cameron: But cleverly wrapped in a compliment to avoid detection?
Mitchell: In other words, the perfect gay zinger?
Cameron: Well, she may not finish high school, but she will hold her own at any Tony party the rest of her life.
Mitchell: Yeah, she will. Yeah.

Quote from Alex

Phil: I feel like I got the buckles wrong. Does this straitjacket look right on me?
Alex: More and more.

Quote from Sonia

Gloria: Sonia, I have very bad news to tell you.
Sonia: Let me get Néstor. He's my rock. Néstor!
Gloria: Ay, what happened to my independent sister that I admired so much because she needed no man?
Sonia: Where... is he?
Gloria: Well, I thought he was a gold digger, so I chased him out.
Sonia: You did what?!
Gloria: But the silver lining is that you still have all your money!
Sonia: What money? I don't have any money!
Gloria: What do you mean? The money from the hot-sauce business that you're doing so well.
Sonia: No, it was all a lie. I just didn't want him to be suspicious. Look, I'm wearing aluminum earrings! They're turning my ears green! Ay! It took me two years to land that rich, beautiful moron. Where am I going to get that kind of money?! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, I tripped! Someone call a lawyer!
Gloria: You didn't trip.
Sonia: Yes, I did! Look! [pours drink] Uh, the floor is all wet.
Gloria: Sonia, that didn't work at the Princess Cruise ship, and it's not going to work here.

Quote from Sonia

Sonia: Every time I try to get my life together, you always ruin it for me. You owe me a rich husband.
Gloria: I'll find you one. There are plenty of old, rich men around here that would do anything that you say.
Jay: Some of them can still hear.
Sonia: Oh. Who's this?
Jay: Oh. He's, um... He's the best hedge guy in town. Congratulate him. He just got a new plane.
Sonia: Ohh. A hedge guy. Fascinating. And how did you get started in that business?
Vic: I bought the clippers.
Sonia: [gasps] Wow! And where are you going, dressed so nice?
Vic: A wedding.
Sonia: Ohh, I love weddings.
Vic: Would you like to accompany me?
Sonia: I would love to! And can we take your plane?
Vic: Yeah, sure.

Quote from Haley

Haley: My babies! Hey! I feel like I haven't seen you all day! Did you have fun today?
Dylan: Well, that's easy to find out. Let me just upload this baby cam footage.
Alex: The what... what was that? Hmm?
Haley: Oh, one of their buttons is actually a camera. It's not the greatest quality, but...
Dylan: Wait, you took my babies to a liquor store?!
Luke: No, it's the... it's the wine museum.
Haley: It's Ace Liquor, Luke. I've been going there since I was 15... minutes past my 21st birthday.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Wow. I was so happy you all wanted time with the babies today, because lately, it has felt like you didn't even want to be bothered with them. Turns out you only want to help when it can help you. Part of me wonders why we even stay here.
Alex: Because you eat and live here for free?
Haley: I said "part."


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