[flashback:]
Man: Oh, my God, you guys, let's hurry!
Cameron: Hurrying where?
Man: Uh, there's a retrospective... "Cher in the '70s: Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves."
Cameron: [gasps]
[present:]
Mitchell: You went without me? What do we always say? Every Cher experience should be a shared experience.
Cameron: Shared experience. I'm sorry, Mitchell. If I could turn back time...

Phil: The Duke... ...becomes a uke... ...becomes a Luke.
Alex: Dad, that was amazing!
Phil: Yeah! Amazing that I think a hacky parlor trick is gonna cut it at SCARB. You heard me right, Alex... SCARB!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: The Southern California Area Realtors' Banquet is the biggest event of the year for Southern California Area Realtors. The other events: SCARL, SCARD, SCARP, SCARG, SCARF; t-they're fine, but SCARB, it's... it's the show. I performed at last year's SCARB, and... and I did well. Too well.

Mitchell: Cam was actually about to tell us what he learned about Picasso.
Paul: Oh, I know so little about him.
Cameron: Well, it... it turns out he was born, um... in the wagon of a... of a traveling... show. His mother, poor thing, she was forced to dance for all...

Mitchell: Lily, how...
Lily: I set up my mirror so I could see her cards. I had to! I couldn't stand her making me feel bad about myself.
Mitchell: No, no, I get it. I'm not sure they don't enjoy making people feel inferior.
Lily: Which is something you guys could never do.
Both: Aww!
Mitchell: Wait, did she just say that we could never make people feel inferior because we're so inferior ourselves?
Cameron: But cleverly wrapped in a compliment to avoid detection?
Mitchell: In other words, the perfect gay zinger?
Cameron: Well, she may not finish high school, but she will hold her own at any Tony party the rest of her life.
Mitchell: Yeah, she will. Yeah.

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: They even pre-paid for six months.
Cameron: That means they'll be here till Christmas. [gasps] We can include them in our Secret Santa!
Mitchell: Oh, it would be nice not to get Lily again.
Cameron: Mm-hmm.

Phil: For the last year, I haven't paid for a drink in any Realtor bar in California. I've never known that kind of adulation. If I blow it tonight, it all goes away. I'm just another bum walking into Brokers paying for my own Long Escrow Iced Tea!

[aside to camera:]
Luke: I told Janice I'm 21. I'm pretty sure she'd break up with me if she found out I wasn't even legal yet. Then she asked if I'd buy wine for dinner tonight.
[cut to Luke presenting Alex's ID at a liquor store:]
Cashier: Mind moving your thumb... Alexandra?
Luke: That's what that's short for?

Jay: It's great seeing you being supportive of Sonia for...
Gloria: [softly] She's an idiot. He's obviously a gold digger, and I'm going to prove it to her.
Jay: How do you know he's a gold digger?
Gloria: He's a starving artist, she has money. Do you really think that someone young and beautiful like that is gonna fall in love with a rich, older person? Never happens.
Jay: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: I hear what I'm saying, and we're fine.

Vera: What's this?
Lily: Art project for school. I just grabbed something out of the trash and threw glitter glue on it. Got a 70.
Mitchell: She knows that's out of 100, right?
Brad: Vera went through a Found Art phase. This is, um... This is the Michelangelo's David that she made out of plastic.
Vera: Recycled plastic. We only get one planet, let's take care of it.
Lily: Mm. [quietly, to Mitchell and Cameron] Guess someone's never heard of the moon.

Gloria: You can't marry my sister.
Nestor: Why?
Gloria: Two words. Maybe one, with a hyphen. Gold digger.