Season 2, Episode 3 - Aired October 6, 2010
When an earthquake hits, Claire gets stuck in the bathroom with a plumber, while Phil works to secure a cabinet he said he'd already fixed to the wall. Mitchell and Cameron use the quake as an excuse to get out of brunch with their friend Pepper, Meanwhile, Manny has some theological questions for Jay when they golf instead of attending church.
Quote from Pepper
Pepper: Oh, boys. Boys, I can't stand that I'm coming between you. Not that I'm surprised. I admit I have noticed the stolen glances and the yearning in your eyes.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, you'll... You'll forgive us, Pepper, if we sit out your next few brunches?
Pepper: Absolutely. I would hate to lose you two. I've always thought of you as being like my-
Pepper: Sons? I was gonna say brothers. [scoffs, crying] It's like a house of pain.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: Oh, we're gonna die! We're gonna die! We better not.
Mitchell: If they find us in these outfits, it's gonna be very bad for the gays.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Just one week. Can I go golfing with you?
Jay: I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.
Quote from Haley
Claire: I can hear the two of you scheming out there. Don't you dare leave this house.
Haley: Oh, why do you have to be such a psycho control freak?
Claire: Okay. You know what? Just for that, you are grounded one week.
Haley: Oh, that's good parenting.
Claire: Okay. Two weeks. Wanna double it? Keep talking!
Haley: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Claire: Fine! Four weeks! Four!
Haley: Double it again and make it 10 weeks!
Alex: Oh, my God! Do you not hear how much you need to study?
Quote from Luke
Luke: What are you doing?
Phil: Hey, buddy. Oh, just double-checking these straps. This is an extra. These babies saved your life. That's why this cabinet barely moved.
Luke: It fell all the way to the couch. It almost killed me.
Phil: No, it didn't. This cabinet barely moved. That's just perspective playing tricks on your mind. Like, if I hold up my thumb, it looks bigger than your head.
Luke: No, it doesn't. It looks tiny.
Phil: You have to look at it from over here.
Luke: How can I look at my head from over there?
Quote from Luke
Luke: [sliding a tray covered with liquid under the bathroom door] Hey, Mom, I brought you some soda. I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.
Claire: Oh, thank you, Luke. That's my sweetie.
Luke: I was going to bring you wine, but you finished the big bottle last night.
Claire: Okay. Off you go.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: What are you doing?
Mitchell: Well, you promised Pepper broken dishes, so I'm breaking dishes.
Cameron: No, not my frog. I know you think it's tacky but I happen to have won this at my first 4-H summer camp in a hollerin' contest.
Quote from Manny
Manny: I just don't understand this bad section of heaven. What if they send you to the wrong place? They make mistakes with paperwork sometimes. I was put in a girl's health class last year and had to watch a very disturbing movie.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Okay, here's the thing. I wasn't pushing. In fact, I was pulling a little. It dawned on me that as long as Claire was stuck in the bathroom I'd have time to anchor the cabinet to the wall. It's like they say, sometimes when God closes a door he closes it so hard that your wife can't get out.
Quote from Pepper
Pepper: I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm a joke, that's who.
Cameron: No. No. You're not a joke. You're Pepper Saltzman.
Pepper: I think I'd better just go. If anything terrible should happen don't feel an obligation to attend my memorial, New York or L.A.