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‘Earthquake’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Modern Family: Earthquake

203. Earthquake

Aired October 6, 2010

When an earthquake hits, Claire gets stuck in the bathroom with a plumber, while Phil works to secure a cabinet he said he'd already fixed to the wall. Mitchell and Cameron use the quake as an excuse to get out of brunch with their friend Pepper, Meanwhile, Manny has some theological questions for Jay when they golf instead of attending church.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, boys. Boys, I can't stand that I'm coming between you. Not that I'm surprised. I admit I have noticed the stolen glances and the yearning in your eyes.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, you'll... You'll forgive us, Pepper, if we sit out your next few brunches?
Pepper: Absolutely. I would hate to lose you two. I've always thought of you as being like my-
Cameron: Sons?
Mitchell: Sons?
Pepper: Sons? I was gonna say brothers. [scoffs, crying] It's like a house of pain.

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Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, we're gonna die! We're gonna die! We better not.
Mitchell: If they find us in these outfits, it's gonna be very bad for the gays.

Quote from Haley

Claire: I can hear the two of you scheming out there. Don't you dare leave this house.
Haley: Oh, why do you have to be such a psycho control freak?
Claire: Okay. You know what? Just for that, you are grounded one week.
Haley: Oh, that's good parenting.
Claire: Okay. Two weeks. Wanna double it? Keep talking!
Haley: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Claire: Fine! Four weeks! Four!
Haley: Double it again and make it 10 weeks!
Alex: Oh, my God! Do you not hear how much you need to study?

Quote from Jay

Manny: Just one week. Can I go golfing with you?
Jay: I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Quote from Luke

Luke: What are you doing?
Phil: Hey, buddy. Oh, just double-checking these straps. This is an extra. These babies saved your life. That's why this cabinet barely moved.
Luke: It fell all the way to the couch. It almost killed me.
Phil: No, it didn't. This cabinet barely moved. That's just perspective playing tricks on your mind. Like, if I hold up my thumb, it looks bigger than your head.
Luke: No, it doesn't. It looks tiny.
Phil: You have to look at it from over here.
Luke: How can I look at my head from over there?

Quote from Luke

Luke: [sliding a tray covered with liquid under the bathroom door] Hey, Mom, I brought you some soda. I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.
Claire: Oh, thank you, Luke. That's my sweetie.
Luke: I was going to bring you wine, but you finished the big bottle last night.
Claire: Okay. Off you go.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: What are you doing?
Mitchell: Well, you promised Pepper broken dishes, so I'm breaking dishes.
Cameron: No, not my frog. I know you think it's tacky but I happen to have won this at my first 4-H summer camp in a hollerin' contest.

Quote from Manny

Manny: I just don't understand this bad section of heaven. What if they send you to the wrong place? They make mistakes with paperwork sometimes. I was put in a girl's health class last year and had to watch a very disturbing movie.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm a joke, that's who.
Cameron: No. No. You're not a joke. You're Pepper Saltzman.
Pepper: I think I'd better just go. If anything terrible should happen don't feel an obligation to attend my memorial, New York or L.A.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Okay, here's the thing. I wasn't pushing. In fact, I was pulling a little. It dawned on me that as long as Claire was stuck in the bathroom I'd have time to anchor the cabinet to the wall. It's like they say, sometimes when God closes a door he closes it so hard that your wife can't get out.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Oh, my God! Mom, the party is around the block. I'll be gone for two hours.
Claire: Yeah, that is two hours you could spend studying.
Haley: I have been studying all weekend. No friends, no phone. Just me alone with books. I feel like Alex.
Alex: You're never alone when you have books.
Haley: Really? Is that what you want me to turn into?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, good. You're back. I need you to help settle a spat between our blacksmith and that chimney sweep.
Cameron: Be nice. It took me 20 minutes to find my opera cloak.
Mitchell: I still can't believe you didn't have to rent any of that.
Cameron: Oh, please. Do you know how many times this has paid for itself?
Mitchell: Has it?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] Our friend Pepper loves to throw theme parties.
Mitchell: Yes, he does. And this weekend is his first annual Oscar Wilde and Crazy brunch.
Cameron: We're still recovering from his Studio 54th of July barbecue. They were fun at first.
Mitchell: Uh...
Cameron: But they have become a lot of work. You have to dress in costume.
Mitchell: You have to assume a character. I I can't believe you ever dated him.
Cameron: One date. It was the '90s. We'd just lost Princess Di. I was at sea.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Uh, Cam, can we just- Can we please cancel?
Cameron: I wish we could, but you know he's still mad at us for missing Passover.
Mitchell: Oh, right. Seder Day Night Fever.
Cameron: Just go get dressed and powdered.
Mitchell: Oh. Pepper has done the impossible. He's made two gay men hate brunch.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: It might be easier just to pour the espresso right in the sugar.
Manny: [fake chuckle] Every morning.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, are you guys okay?
Phil: Yeah, we're fine. You?
Mitchell: We're fine. That was really- Oh, wait. Hold on. [switching lines] Hello?
Gloria: Mitch, are you okay?
Mitchell: We're okay. We're okay.
Gloria: And Phil and Claire?
Mitchell: I'm on the other line with them right now. One second. [switch lines] Hello? Oh, shoot. We lost Phil.
Gloria: We lost Phil?
Cameron: We lost Phil? [Mitchell switches line]
Gloria: Hello?
Mitchell: Great. Now Gloria's gone.
Cameron: Gloria's gone too? Oh!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [on the phone] Well, the earthquake. Yeah, it was huge here. So, obviously, we're not we're not gonna be able to make it.
Pepper: Why not?
Cameron: Well, some dishes broke.
Pepper: You can sweep them up later.
Cameron: And, um... Well, yeah, I guess I guess we could sweep those up, um, later. Our, uh... Our Our hat rack... Our hat rack fell through the window.
Pepper: Hat rack?
Cameron: Well Yeah, we do have a hat rack. We thought it would force us to wear our hats more. And it did. And there's water damage. There's water everywhere. A bookshelf fell on Mitchell's leg. Mitchell's hurt, Pepper. Mitchell's hurt real bad.
Pepper: I'm coming right over.
Cameron: No, you don't need to come over.
Pepper: I'm coming.
Cameron: Pepper, no! [hangs up] He's coming over.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Oh, don't talk back, Dad. She'll just ground you!
Claire: [throwing her shoe at the bathroom door] That's 32 weeks, young lady! I was at 16 before, right? What?
Plumber: Nothin'.
Claire: Don't judge me until you've had a teenage girl.
Plumber: I've had four of 'em.
Claire: God. How did you survive that?
Plumber: Girls were a piece of cake. It was the boy. Every look on his face. Every stupid decision he made. The way he sat there chewing his food like an idiot. Then it hit me why this kid drove me so crazy, he's me.
Claire: Well, all the more reason she should listen to me. I can stop her from making the same mistakes.
Plumber: Did you listen to your mother?
Claire: No. God, no. But, you know, I had a reason. That woman was a psycho control... freak.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hold this, will you, kid? You know, Mitchell used to caddie for me. Of course, he spent most of his time chasing butterflies.
Manny: You won't catch me doing that.
Jay: Good for you.
Manny: I'm terrified of them.

Quote from Jay

Manny: I'm thinking about this heaven of yours that's full of bad people.
Jay: Not full. The tiniest fraction. They're walled in.
Manny: What if they break out?
Jay: They're surrounded by a lake of fire.
Manny: There are fiery lakes in heaven? This is turning into hell.
Jay: Tell me about it.

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