Previous Episode Next Episode 

34Quotes from ‘American Skyper’

Modern Family: American Skyper

624. American Skyper

Aired May 20, 2015

When the family gathers at Jay and Gloria's for Alex's graduation party, Phil is stuck in a hotel room in Seattle and must share the experience with a virtual presence device. Jay is fed up with Gloria's cousin being an imposition, but Gloria thinks he treats her family shabbily. Meanwhile, Claire is trying to come up with the perfect gift for Alex, Mitchell is hiding some personal news from Cameron, and Haley gets the sense that Andy's girlfriend, Beth, has it in for her.

Quote from Claire

Alex: I want you to go to Europe with me.
Claire: What?
Alex: Yeah. We'll have a great time cafes, museums. Plus, Europe is not safe for teenage girls. You've seen Taken. Could you imagine Dad getting that phone call?
Claire: What is his particular set of skills? Juggling?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: So you admit it. You are having an affair.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: It's the braces, isn't it? I've driven you to stray. I'm hideous.
Mitchell: Cam, you're acting crazy.
Cameron: Am I? Mitchell, I found the receipt to the Avian [ah-vian] Hotel.
Mitchell: That's pronounced "avian."
Cameron: Well, it sounds seedy.
Mitchell: It is. It's a kennel for birds. It's where I picked up George.
Cameron: Oh, there's a George too?
Mitchell: Calm down. I'm talking about a cockatoo.
Cameron: Oh! One or two. Is that all? How blase.

Quote from Andy

Claire: You know your dad wishes he could be here.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] What are you talking about?
Jay: What the-
Phil: I'm right here! [laughs] I had Andy set me up so I could be here with you all.
Andy: I just had to plug him in. It was a nice reversal from when I had to pull the plug on my dad in the hospital.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Gloria, tell her she can stay.
Gloria: Of course you can stay. We love having you here. Especially Joe. You're his new favorite.
Andy: I used to be his favorite until I told him I get paid to hang with him. I just felt he had a right to know.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] If I'm being honest I thought I was into Andy. Then his girlfriend, Beth came into town and she's really sweet and they're great together. So, in the spirit of graduation I'm officially moving on. And, unlike my actual graduation there's no pregnancy scare.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I thought Mitchell would be more excited about the unit upstairs. Something is going on with him. He's been more distant lately. For the last two weeks, he hasn't been that interested in the unit downstairs, either.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We had some budget cuts at the office, and a bunch of us got laid off. Now Now, I didn't tell Cam because I was embarrassed but also because I knew- I knew I would get another job like that. It's been a month and-and now it's just weird that I didn't tell him in the first place so every morning, I leave for work. I send out my resume. And then, like most unemployed people hiding the truth from their spouses I go to the park. And then one day, I met Spencer. And now I play checkers with Spencer. And his best friend, George who helped me get over my lifelong fear of birds.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on virtual presence device] H- Hey! Hey!
Jay: Calm down. Gloria needs napkin rings. I'm gonna hold you up. You can check the high shelves.
Phil: Lift with your legs. I had a big lunch. [chuckles]

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on the virtual presence device] Crockett and Tubbs. That's heroin!
Jay: What?
Phil: You know, horse, smack, hell dust.
Jay: I know the nicknames. I've watched Kojak.

Quote from Alex

Mitchell: This is a report card that you made for me when you were four and you gave me a B-minus as an uncle.
Alex: Okay. I was mad because you wasted your vote on Ralph Nader.

Quote from Claire

Haley: So no one thinks that Beth has maybe, like, a slightly psychotic side?
Claire: Oh. I see what's going on here. Somebody's jealous 'cause she's not the only pretty girl around here anymore, hmm?
Alex: Wow! Thanks, Mom.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on virtual presence device] Andy, back when I was dating Claire, I used to think what if I'm in the Laundromat one day, and Robin Givens walks in? She asks me for a quarter. I hand her one. Our fingers linger. She wonders if maybe after Iron Mike what she's really yearning for is the touch of a gentler man.

Quote from Claire

[As Andy hugs Phil's virtual presence device]
Claire: Oh, come on. Get a Roomba.

Quote from Phil

Claire: You're never gonna believe what my dad did.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Lock you in the bathroom?
Claire: No. He gave Alex a trip to Europe for her graduation present. There's no way I can now give her a weekend of Dutch pancake balls after that.
Phil: Can you open the door? I'm feeling claustrophobic.
Claire: Phil, you're in a hotel room in Seattle.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I'm desperate. Just teach me the song.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back.
Claire: Just teach it to me.
Phil: Okay. It's called "Go Ask Alex." [strumming, singing] "When you don't know what a word means, go ask Alex If you need someone to hem your jeans, go ask Alex-
Claire: I can't believe I'm even saying this but instead of "hem your jeans," could it be "steam your greens"?
Phil: No, it can't. The jeans come back at the four-minute mark.

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Phil and I have prepared something very special for our brilliant graduate, Alex. Okay. You ready? - When you - [no audio] Why is that not- Okay, there's no sound. Phil, honey? There's no sound.
Gloria: Okay, so, while Claire fixes robot Phil, I make toast.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Hey, Dad, can we talk?
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Sure, honey.
Haley: In private?
Phil: Oh, not so hard. I can't breathe. [chuckles] Little robot humor.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello? Oh, thank God! You've got to help me. I've been in an accident.
I- I need you to find my daughter! Oh, great. Thank you. Wh- What are you doing? Where are you going? Wh-Where are you taking me? Put me down! Help! I'm being taken!

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] While he was away on a business trip Phil got a terrible ear infection and the doctor said he could burst an eardrum if he flew.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] I was devastated to miss Alex's graduation until I realized I didn't have to!
Claire: I got to hold up my phone for two hours so Phil could see the graduation live.
Phil: Bet I was the only dad there not wearing pants.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey Gloria, would you tell your cousin to stop leaving his trash everywhere? It's been five days of this nonsense. He comes in here eats all my food, drinks all my booze and never so much as does a dish.
Gloria: Yes, so different from what all those white people over there are doing.
Jay: You got a blind spot for the deadbeat yahoos in your family.
Gloria: He's not a yahoo, and don't say that in front of him!
Jay: He doesn't speak English!
Gloria: He understands it.
Jay: Oh, really? Fire! Run! Fire!

Quote from Haley

[Andy and Joe are wearing similar clothes]
Haley: Uh, are you sure about that outfit?
Andy: Why does this keep happening?
Haley: It's not because Joe dresses like an adult.
Andy: I dress like an adult.
Haley: You wore light-up sneakers to a Radiohead concert.
Andy: Yes. And did we ever get separated?
Haley: Not for lack of trying.

Quote from Haley

Beth: Goldilocks. My mom read this to me a thousand times. I just never understood how that little girl got away with it.
Haley: What do you mean?
Beth: Well, if I were a bear somebody broke into my house, laid in my bed and ate my food I'd rip her skinny little arms off.
Haley: Oh. Uh, it's just porridge, right?
Beth: It's my porridge.
Haley: Um...

Quote from Phil

Phil: [on virtual presence device] Hey, guys! Guess what? They accepted your offer.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic!
Manny: What offer?
Cameron: We're buying the apartment upstairs from us. We're gonna expand put in a proper guest room, a home office. So much space.
Phil: Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again.

Quote from Phil

Claire: It's just a little gift I got Alex.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] We already gave her our present. That 16-piece luggage set was a real winner.
Claire: This is more of a mother-daughter thing. It's just a key chain with a picture of me and Alex on her first day of school. I wanted her to have something that reminded her of how much I love her.
Phil: Why don't we just sing that song I wrote her?
Claire: Uh, because I don't want to sing that lame song.
Phil: Oh. Lame. Okay.
Claire: Phil, really? Come on.
Phil: Only you could hurt a robot!

Quote from Haley

Haley: So, um, I was wondering. Um... Has Beth said anything to you about me about not liking me?
Andy: Are you kidding? Beth's obsessed with you. She's always like, "Rrr! Haley's so cute. I just want to bite her face."
Haley: Oh, my God.
Andy: She asked me where you work where you go at night, whether you hike alone.
Haley: [whimpers]
Andy: She's actually very concerned about you.
Haley: Or is it possible-
Beth: What are you guys talking about?
Haley: [gasps] How I'm only into Korean dudes.

Quote from Phil

Cameron: What was that about? What did Mitchell say?
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Ooh! Do I smell Jay's famous ribs? [wheels off]

Quote from Gloria

Jay: That's yours?
Gloria: Yes, I brought it back from Colombia.
Jay: My God. I married into a drug cartel?
Gloria: These are the ashes of my dead horse, Gaucho. I had him when I was a little girl. You thought that these were drugs and that they belong to my cousin?
Jay: Well, what was I supposed to think?
Gloria: I am sick of this, Jay. You treat my family like they're criminals. Like he would bring $150,000 worth of heroin into this house!
Phil: [on the virtual presence device] How do you know how much-
Gloria: What? I can't know street value?

Quote from Mitchell

Haley: Hey, guys. So, uh, random question but, um, do any of you get kind of a weird vibe from Beth? You know, like maybe something's a little off?
Claire: Beth? No. She's an angel.
Cameron: [lisping] She seems super sweet.
Mitchell: You're really not shying away from those "S" words, are ya?

Quote from Luke

Luke: Beth's super hot. If everyone in the Coast Guard looks like that, sign me up. It's just on the weekends, right?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Lily spilled some juice on the counter. Should I frisk her for guns?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: When I first came into this family I didn't think I was ever going to be accepted. Then, one day, Alex needed to write a report about a family member and she picked me. That was the first time I really felt part of the family. Ay, Alex, you were the first one to reach out to me and I will never forget that. They all call you the smart one, but to me, you're the kind one. I'm so lucky to have you in my life, baby.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I just I don't think that we can get that apartment right now.
Cameron: Of course we can. We already have the down payment.And you know what? We could get renters.
We could turn it into an Airbnb.
Mitchell: Uh, really? Different people every week?
Cameron: How exciting and new. It'd be like The Love Boat.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I wanted to give you a present.
Claire: Me? No. Honey, I want to give you a present. That's what I've been trying to do all day.
Alex: You're the last person who should give me anything. You got me here. You got me to graduation, to Caltech. You did it. You're done.
Claire: Thank you, sweetie. Thank you. I love you.

Quote from Haley

Phil: [on virtual presence device] I noticed you didn't laugh at my robot joke. What's going on?
Haley: Everyone thinks Beth is so great, but I think she's crazy. She's been after me all day.
Phil: Why would she be after you?
Haley: She thinks I'm in love with Andy.
Phil: Are you?
Haley: No! I mean, I care about him. He makes me laugh. I like spending time with him.
Phil: Well, do you think about him when he's not around?
Haley: I guess. Sometimes I see something funny and I think, "Oh, Andy would love that. I wish he were here so I could share it with him." But-
Phil: Honey, I know I'm just a robot, but that sounds like love to me.


 Episode 623 Episode 701