Alex: I want you to go to Europe with me.
Claire: What?
Alex: Yeah. We'll have a great time cafes, museums. Plus, Europe is not safe for teenage girls. You've seen Taken. Could you imagine Dad getting that phone call?
Claire: What is his particular set of skills? Juggling?

Cameron: So you admit it. You are having an affair.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: It's the braces, isn't it? I've driven you to stray. I'm hideous.
Mitchell: Cam, you're acting crazy.
Cameron: Am I? Mitchell, I found the receipt to the Avian [ah-vian] Hotel.
Mitchell: That's pronounced "avian."
Cameron: Well, it sounds seedy.
Mitchell: It is. It's a kennel for birds. It's where I picked up George.
Cameron: Oh, there's a George too?
Mitchell: Calm down. I'm talking about a cockatoo.
Cameron: Oh! One or two. Is that all? How blase.

Claire: I'm desperate. Just teach me the song.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back.
Claire: Just teach it to me.
Phil: Okay. It's called "Go Ask Alex." [strumming, singing] "When you don't know what a word means, go ask Alex If you need someone to hem your jeans, go ask Alex-
Claire: I can't believe I'm even saying this but instead of "hem your jeans," could it be "steam your greens"?
Phil: No, it can't. The jeans come back at the four-minute mark.

Claire: You know your dad wishes he could be here.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] What are you talking about?
Jay: What the-
Phil: I'm right here! [laughs] I had Andy set me up so I could be here with you all.
Andy: I just had to plug him in. It was a nice reversal from when I had to pull the plug on my dad in the hospital.

Haley: Gloria, tell her she can stay.
Gloria: Of course you can stay. We love having you here. Especially Joe. You're his new favorite.
Andy: I used to be his favorite until I told him I get paid to hang with him. I just felt he had a right to know.

Haley: [aside to camera] If I'm being honest I thought I was into Andy. Then his girlfriend, Beth came into town and she's really sweet and they're great together. So, in the spirit of graduation I'm officially moving on. And, unlike my actual graduation there's no pregnancy scare.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I thought Mitchell would be more excited about the unit upstairs. Something is going on with him. He's been more distant lately. For the last two weeks, he hasn't been that interested in the unit downstairs, either.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We had some budget cuts at the office, and a bunch of us got laid off. Now Now, I didn't tell Cam because I was embarrassed but also because I knew- I knew I would get another job like that. It's been a month and-and now it's just weird that I didn't tell him in the first place so every morning, I leave for work. I send out my resume. And then, like most unemployed people hiding the truth from their spouses I go to the park. And then one day, I met Spencer. And now I play checkers with Spencer. And his best friend, George who helped me get over my lifelong fear of birds.

Phil: [on virtual presence device] H- Hey! Hey!
Jay: Calm down. Gloria needs napkin rings. I'm gonna hold you up. You can check the high shelves.
Phil: Lift with your legs. I had a big lunch. [chuckles]

Phil: [on the virtual presence device] Crockett and Tubbs. That's heroin!
Jay: What?
Phil: You know, horse, smack, hell dust.
Jay: I know the nicknames. I've watched Kojak.