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47Quotes from ‘Did the Chicken Cross the Road?’

Modern Family: Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

1007. Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Aired November 7, 2018

After Cameron worries he has lost touch with his country roots, he decides the house needs a barnyard animal. Alex is up for a government job and is nervous about her family being interviewed for clearance. Meanwhile, Haley and Dylan wonder whether it's time to act more like adults.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Was Alex right? Had I been an unwitting... an unwitting spy? I even dug out an old article they'd done on me in a Russian newspaper during my trip. Sergei told me the headline said, "Young Tumbler's Mission of Friendship." A quick scan into Google Translate revealed the truth, "Famous Tumbler Denounces the West." I needed some fresh air to clear my head. Had I been that big a dupe in high school? And if so, what was stopping them from trying to use me again today?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, she does come by her wanderlust honestly. The kids here all know about my high school trip to the Soviet Union.
Alex: Yeah, but she doesn't need to hear about that.
Florence: No, please. Continue.
Phil: In the depths of the Cold War, my tumbling team was part of a cultural exchange. I became friends with a Russian tumbler named Sergei who wanted to hear all about the U.S. He asked me to... to send pictures when I got home, and not just touristy stuff. Sergei was interested in ordinary things. Uh, airports, um, power plants, train stations. His family was in the fence business. He said our military had the best fencing [chuckling] in the world. I must have sent him 100 pictures of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: "Dead-end alcoholics... broken lives, and broken dreams..." Nope, nothing about Spider-Man. Must be a different Iceman that cometh.
Haley: That's okay. It could still be good. But, Dylan, you have to stop looking at the carnival over there.
Dylan: I'm sorry, but it just might be easier to enjoy this unsparing look at life's castoffs if I knew that afterwards, we were gonna walketh over there and goeth to the bumper cars.

Quote from Phil

Claire: If you really want to impress the interviewer, why don't you try casually leaving out this completed New York Times crossword that I found at the gym?
Phil: Why bring a knife to a gun fight? How about I lay out the family heirloom?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: 1931. Great-grandpa Ted Dunphy is driving south from Modesto one foggy evening. He picks up a stranded motorist and drives him to a gas station. The man has no money, so Ted pays for his gas. The man thanks him with a quick drawing on a cocktail napkin. For you see, that man... was Walt Disney. And this familiar fellow is Mickey Mouse.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, Alex. Quick tip. Smile during the interview. I've been learning a lot about different personality types in my psych course, and you're kind of textbook borderline. All brains, no empathy.
Claire: You know, Luke, we are so very proud of all the hard work you're doing, and I look forward to hearing your insights when you finish chapter two. But for now, maybe you could just put that book away.
Luke: No surprise you'd say that. Controlling, obsessive... classic Commandant personality type.
Haley: Ooh, burn.
Claire: Oh, grow up, Haley.
Luke: Sadly, she can't. Such is the plight of the Peter Pan personality.
Phil: You're saying Haley refuses to grow up? I don't believe that.
Luke: Which brings us to another type, the Dreamer... head in the clouds, tends to be naive, gullible.
Phil: I love that you're smart now.

Quote from Claire

Luke: Makes you crazy, doesn't it, Commandant?
Claire: No.
Luke: So you weren't about to straighten that chair? Because if the whole world isn't completely ordered, it feels like your skin is on fire?
Claire: This is literally armchair psychology.

Quote from Joe

Jay: Okay. So we both like to be in charge. But when it comes to Joe, can we both be on the same page? Like this morning when I was trying to get him to eat his vegetables? Back me up.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I knew I should have thrown away those beets! Stupid. What am I, 4?

Quote from Haley

Florence: So, Haley, you tell us about Alex.
Haley: Well, it was not easy sharing a room with a genius. [Alex chuckles] She was always up reading and calculating, but she also inspired me. When I turned 21, I said, "Haley, time to be your own woman," and I moved into the basement.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Howdy, Bobby.
Bobby: Hey.
Mitchell: Smells like rain.
Bobby: What are you doing back so soon? Yeah, I told you you got to buy more than one bag of feed at a time.
Mitchell: No, it's no bother. No, it's nice to get out of the field, away from the chicken... s. [on the way out] Evenin'!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: The problem is I can't let Cam know that I'm enjoying my new life as a gentleman farmer. I-I've spent our whole relationship trying to tamp down his farm-ness. Ugh, it's all the encouragement he'd need to... to move us to Missouri and go full Old MacDonald. E-I-E-I-no.

Quote from Haley

Dylan: [answering phone] Oh, hey, Haley. What's up?
Haley: I'm kind of mad at my family, actually. They keep saying I have one of those Peter Pan personalities, so, um, change of plans. We're going to a play, not the circus.
Dylan: Wait, what?
Haley: Dylan, don't make a thing out of this. The elephant's not going to remember you promised to see him next year.

Quote from Phil

Dylan: Hey, guys.
Luke: Hey, Dylan. Sweet lid. What did it cost you?
Dylan: Zilch. Someone threw a bunch of them in the trash across the street.
Claire: So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs. Off you go.
Phil: Hang on. I used to have a Panama that looked a little like... [Dylan removes one hat, revealing another] And my fedora! You duped me into believing we were donating them to ISSBA, and you were just gonna throw them in the trash. But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire. What about the poor people at the Institute for Sun-Sensitive Bald... Americans?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: The security camera. We can... We can find out exactly what happened.
Cameron: Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that. Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait. You're not used to the harsh realities of farm life. All these animals, they seem so sweet, but it's a bloodbath at the first sign of weakness, like dinner with our friends when one person gets up from the table.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, well, nothing happening yet.
Mitchell: Okay, you know, I want to see.
Cameron: No. No, no, no. Don't. [gasps] Oh, no. Oh, no. Something's come into the backyard.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: I think it's a raccoon. Oh! Oh, the... Oh, the horror!
Mitchell: Oh, my God!
Cameron: No, no. No, she's fighting. She's fighting, Mitchell, with every fiber of her indomitable chicken-y spirit. And it's over. Oh, gosh. Well, that's the worst farm calamity I've seen since a dinner theater production of "Oklahoma!" starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Delete.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Look. I know you want to prove that we're mature adults, but look at this line. We are the young people here. Whereas...
Haley: At the carnival, we'd be, like, the oldest people there?
Dylan: May I remind you what they said to us last time when they escorted us out of the ball pit?
Haley: "Excuse me, but this attraction isn't really for..."
Dylan: "Adults."
Haley: Aha.
Dylan: M'lady.
Haley: M'Dylan.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, we need to talk.
Gloria: You bet we need to talk.
Jay: I was out of bounds throwing you out of that game.
Gloria: You bet you were out of bounds throwing me out of that game.
Jay: But it was all my fault, Jay.
Gloria: You bet it was all my fault, Jay, don't Bugs Bunny me.

Quote from Alex

Phil: I need to know the truth. Alex, real or unreal?
Alex: Real. Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say he had to draw it in the back of a truck? And what hitchhiker would be carrying around a drafting pencil if he wasn't some sort of an animator? And who would run out of gas on the side of the road but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning the happiest place on earth? So... real.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I don't see her anywhere. All right, let's maybe turn around and look over there?
Cameron: Okay, Mitchell, why would the chicken cross the road?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: We were never finding that chicken. After an unpleasant struggle that I only won after sustaining multiple scratches, I put it in the back seat of my car, drove it to the egg farm, and lobbed it over the fence. They can fly a little.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You got rid of Hennifer.
Cameron: [sighs] Okay, I admit it. I hated that chicken, and I was too ashamed to say anything cause I... I made such a big stink out of you shaming the country out of me. I'm sorry.
Mitchell: I have a confession. I love that chicken.
Cameron: Really?
Mitchell: I-I didn't want to admit it because I like to see myself as a sort of, you know, sophisticated urbanite. [Cam chuckles] But I guess you, you countrified me a little.
Cameron: Well, you citified me.
Mitchell: Aww, that's kind of sweet.
Cameron: It is. You know, now we just need to find an activity that satisfies the straw-chewing country boy in you and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me.
Mitchell: Drive up the road a piece.

Quote from Joe

Gloria: Mi amor, can I get some wine? [to Joe] That was Estefan's father. The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him. I need to stop by the ATM and then go to his house. When your daddy's not looking, let's split the beets, okay?
Joe: Fine. I'm ready to eat these, but can we turn off the lights so I don't have to see how gross they are?
Jay: Makes sense.
Gloria: Good idea. [silverware clatters]
Gloria: Bravo, papi!
Jay: That's my guy!
[When the lights come back on, Jay and Gloria see they both have beet-stained teeth]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [high-pitched scream] Oh, Mitchell. Are you awake?
Mitchell: Yeah, I think the lady upstairs just screamed. Should we check on her?
Cameron: No, that was me. Something terrible just happened in the shower.
Mitchell: Oh, God. What did you try to shave?
Cameron: No, I forgot the words to "Thank God I'm A Country Boy."
Mitchell: Okay, two minutes ago, I was on the back of a snowmobile with Daniel Craig.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: You know what I have to do.
Mitchell: Relearn the lyrics to...
Cameron: Get a chicken.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: So, apparently, there's no legal reason why we can't have a chicken in our backyard, and... and I did a real deep dive.

Quote from Phil

Alex: Mom, can you please stop managing everything?
Phil: You mean like when she cleaned my hat collection out of the front closet in case the interviewer looked in there?
Claire: Honey, you never wore those hats, and the charity was glad to get them.
Phil: Maybe you should have also donated my dream of one day going to the Kentucky Derby or Easter at a black church.

Quote from Joe

Jay: That's your classic game-day breakfast: your carbs, fiber, your protein. You throw a shot of brandy in there, you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl.
Joe: I don't eat beets. Never have, never will.
Jay: When you were two, you ate a dime and a butterfly. Now your body is a temple?

Quote from Alex

Alex: Anyway, we don't want to take up your whole day. You wouldn't have time to write up your report, which you could title "Alex Dunphy: The Apple that fell very far from the Tree."

Quote from Alex

Phil: You know what? We Dunphys clean up pretty well when we want to, don't we?
Alex: Are you kidding me? Mom, did you really have to OCD all over her notebook? And you, bragging about still living at home at, like, what, 30? And Dad, well done. There's nothing that cinches a government job like finding out your dad was a Russian spy! Luke was right about all of you. Commandant, Peter Pan, Dreamer.
Luke: Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.
Alex: Don't compare us! Your last English paper came back with a Garfield sticker on it that said "Way to go!"
Luke: That's the second highest sticker she gives out!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I know having a chicken isn't your dream. But if it makes you feel any better, I think I know who I am again.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: A person who hates chickens! They are filthy and beyond stupid. The moment I can find the receipt, I am returning that chicken. But I'm not gonna let Mitchell know because, like that vile bird, I made a big stink.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh. We're out of chicken feed again? I have a meeting at the school today with the homecoming committee. If polling is correct, the new queen is gonna be in a wheelchair, and we already blew our ramp budget on a balloon drop, so could you maybe...

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I've never really felt a connection to animals, but there's just something about that chicken. The soulful eyes, the nervous movements, the cute little splash of red on top. She's just likeable. Plus, I love going to that feed store. T-The second I walk through the door, I'm one of them.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Did I leave that unlatched? Oh, God. Hennifer? Hennifer?!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Okay, purple, let's go! Joe, Finn, Clyde up front! Lucas, Dylan, Chad in the back! Estefan, in goal!
Jay: I'm guessing that Estefan is the kid who lives out of the district? His legs are hairier than mine, and I think he was wearing a wedding ring.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Luke, your label for me was spot on. I am a Dreamer. No, worse, I'm a... I'm a patsy, a mark, a full-on sucker!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Save it, Claire. You think of me what everyone thinks of me. I'm a rube, a pigeon, a greenhorn.

Quote from Claire

Haley: Okay, Dylan. Let's get you changed and lose the hat. It's rude to block people's views where we'll be spending our afternoon... at an adult theater.
Claire: Huh.
[Haley removes Dylan's hat]
Claire: I mean, we all knew there was gonna be a third one, right?
Phil: I didn't!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Where's the body?
Cameron: Um, dragged off.
Mitchell: Well, then she could still be alive! W-We have to look for her. Okay. G-Grab her favorite squeak toy.
Cameron: Okay, well, which... which one? Squirrely Temple or Lionardo DiCaprio?
Mitchell: It's like you don't even know her.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Phil, look. I'm really sorry I lied to you about the hats. But in all fairness, you do have a tendency to...
Phil: This again? How I can't throw anything away?
Claire: We have 100 episodes of "Hoarders" on DVR in case you want to watch them again.

Quote from Phil

Phil: That's not what this is about. This is about me blindly believing whatever anybody tells me.
Claire: You're being too hard on yourself. You want to see the best in people. It doesn't mean you're gonna believe just anything.
Phil: Really? What about our beloved family heirloom? Claire? Is this real, or am I just a fourth-generation Dunphy dummy?
Claire: Well, uh, Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular. But, perhaps, Walt customized it for your great-grandfather because he was, uh... He was a longshoreman?
Phil: He sold ladies' bonnets.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Do you believe that this was drawn by Walt Disney?
Luke: Uh...
Phil: Alex, get in here. Alex!
Claire: No, honey, you know what she's gonna say. Her optometrist won't even let her wear contacts 'cause of all the excessive eye rolling.

Quote from Alex

Phil: Alex, that's amazing. I knew you could do it.
Alex: You say that about everything.
Phil: Well, I know, but...
Alex: No, thank you. Riding a bike, my first cello concert, freshman chemistry, this job. Every time I was sure I couldn't do something, you convinced me I could. It's nice to have a believer in the house.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Now, will this horse shampoo harm a cat? Because I just... I love the scent.
Cameron: Collar up or down?
Mitchell: Uh, down.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Timeout, timeout! I just saw my reflection! I told you that churro was going to drink up my lipstick.
Dylan: Time in! [bumper car crashes]
Haley: Oh, my God! Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose! It's really jammed up there!
Dylan: Oh, okay. Stay still, Haley. I'll... I'll hit you from the other side.

Quote from Haley

Nurse: Just want to let you know, the x-ray shows no broken nose.
Dylan: I guess you figured out we were acting kind of childish.
Nurse: Enjoy it while you can, right?
Haley: Yeah. Who says we have to race into being adults? Why wouldn't you want to enjoy a carefree life as long as you could?
Nurse: At least until the baby comes.
Haley: Oh, that's years away. Trust me. [chuckles]
Nurse: Actually, we always run a blood test before anesthesia. You're pregnant.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: We can be here all night.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I couldn't. I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's. By the time I got there, the Polish sausage was gonna be down to those puckered end pieces.
[back:]
Gloria: [cellphone buzzes, gets up]
Jay: Listen, I'll meet you halfway. When your mother's not looking, you eat a beet, I eat a beet. Deal? [Joe nods]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, I sang that song my entire childhood. If I can't remember the lyrics, that means I've lost complete touch with my roots. How could I let this happen?
Mitchell: Don't be so hard on yourself.
Cameron: I'm not. This is mostly your doing.
Mitchell: Should have seen that coming.
Cameron: You have shamed the country boy out of me. You roll your eyes when I say "y'all" or "fixin'". You made me take down our clothesline.
Mitchell: I just asked that we put it in the backyard.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Alex is up for a very prestigious government job that requires a family interview.
Phil: In case they bring one of those memory zappers, I've Sharpied all the pertinent information on my arm... PIN numbers, et cetera.
Claire: Oh, honey, you don't think that they're really going to...
Phil: Oh, do not worry, little lady. I got you covered. [uncovers right arm, with "Claire = Wife"]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: He can eat a protein bar in the car. We still have to pick up some players that live far away.
Jay: Gloria, this is not okay.
Gloria: It's legal. They have P.O. boxes in the district. And besides, everybody bends the rules. I swear the goalie from the other team has been my Uber driver.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm sorry. I don't- I don't mean to interrupt, but I just keep replaying my answer to you about my parenting style.
Florence: Oh, don't give it a second thought.
Claire: But when I said I wanted to run away and never come back, that was a joke.
Florence: Yeah, absolutely.
Claire: I know. It's just that you wrote it down like...

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Another fresh one, courtesy of Princess Layer.
Mitchell: Another new name? She's already been Egg Ryan and Chicky Minaj.


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