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‘The Last Thanksgiving’ Quotes

Modern Family: The Last Thanksgiving

1107. The Last Thanksgiving

Aired November 20, 2019

Cameron and Mitchell’s friends mistakenly assume they have split up and have definitely chosen a side, and Haley attempts to cook Thanksgiving dinner as a thank you for Claire and Phil’s support with the twins. Meanwhile, Jay invites Phil and Dylan out to fly his model plane, and Phil thinks this is his chance to reclaim his dignity after their first outing 10 years ago went so wrong.

Quote from Joe

Claire: Oh, Joe! You're doing place cards? Doesn't Manny usually take care of seating?
Joe: He's "going through something."
Claire: Ah.
Joe: I'm sure we'll hear a spoken word about it soon enough.
Claire: You really are turning into a 4-foot version of my dad.
Joe: Our dad.
Claire: That will never not be weird.

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Quote from Longinus

Longinus: Well, girl, come on in. Let's get you two drinks... one for each empty hand you showed up to the party with.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Okay, we still need wine, cheese, flowers... Oh, we have to stop by the bakery.
Cameron: Yeah, and we need a hostess gift for Longinus' Friendsgiving party. You know, she does not look kindly on an empty-handed guest.
Mitchell: [sighs] It's too much.
Cameron: I know. But what do you expect from somebody who changed their name from Larry Jones to Longinus St. Germaine?
Mitchell: No, I mean this list. Okay, we're only making it to my dad's by 4:00 if we blow off the hostess formerly known as Larry.
Cameron: No! His party's my favorite thing about Thanksgiving! Like, when we all go around the table and say one thing we're thankful for not wearing this year.

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: Oh! Hi, Ronaldo. What... Let me guess. Those are for Longinus?
Ronaldo: Oh, I would never get something this shabby for that judgy queen. No, my mom is in the hospital.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Mom and Dad have been incredible... letting me, Dylan, and the twins live with them, helping with midnight feedings, bedtime stories. Dylan loves it when my dad does the voices. So, I'm giving my mom a break from cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to do something special to thank them for being there for me. [voice breaking] I'm sorry. I've just, um... I've become such a beautiful person.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Happy Thanksgiving, Jay. Oh, I can slide over if you want to watch this with me.
Jay: Nah. I never saw the point of a parade without tanks.

Quote from Phil

Jay: I'm gonna take the plane out for a spin. You want to come with?
Phil: Me? Go... fly?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I played it cool, but I was pretty jazzed. [laughs] It's been 10 years since Jay asked me to go model-plane flying with him, and I was, uh... I was eager to replace that memory with a... a be... a better one.

Quote from Phil

Dylan: Where are you guys going?
Phil: Oh, nowhere special. Let's just say that Jay's asked me to join his mile high club.
Jay: Let's not say that.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Cool! You know, years ago, I almost joined the female-dominated world of flight attendants. My fellow nurses still needle me about it. [chuckles] Can I come?
Phil: Uh, actually, Jay's pretty particular about...
Jay: Sure, why not?
Dylan: Looks like we're having a threesome!
Phil: You're embarrassing yourself.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, what kind of pie did you get, pun'kin, pee-can, sweet pataytuh?
Mitchell: Flourless chocolate cake. Let's see you try and country that up.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh. My phone's in my pocket. Here, would you grab it? I can't get it.
Mitchell: Yep. Alright.
Cameron: Who is it?
Mitchell: Oh, it's from Jotham. "Just heard. I'm so sorry. How are you doing?" What's that about?
Cameron: I have no idea.
Mitchell: Oh, L'Michael. "Sending all my love, Camembert. Call me."
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Artemis. "Ronaldo told me about you and Mitchell. Broken-heart emoji, tear emoji, Tammy Faye Bakker crying GIF."
Cameron: What did Ronaldo tell him?
Mitchell: No clue. I-I just saw him here, and he asked where you were, and I told him that we split up to shop and that... Oh, my God. He thinks we actually split up.
Cameron: Oh, and it's gone viral. Well, there are two things a gay can't sit on... a plastic patio chair and a juicy bit of gossip.

Quote from Phil

Jay: Listen, i-is it possible that you're angry at Dylan for something more than today?
Phil: Well, he did take the last waffle this morning.
Jay: I think it's more about... he took your firstborn. Now, I've been there. It's only natural, you know. Us dads, we're very protective of our daughters, but, uh... In fact, you may get a very strong impulse to fly that plane right into the guy, but don't do it.
Phil: What? I-I would... I would never hurt Dylan. Why would you even think I'd have that impulse?
Jay: I don't know. I thought... you know, the way you were looking at him...
Phil: Wait. Is that what you were thinking 10 years ago? A-All this time, I thought it was my fault! I-I moved my head at the last second. But you hit me on purpose!
Jay: Don't be ridiculous! I just...
Phil: You just what, Jay? Thought it'd be fun to fly a plane into my face? What kind of monster does that to another human be... [Phil flies the plane into his own face]
Jay: Aw, no. [sighs] Look at this. [Jay picks up his plane]

Quote from Ronaldo

Mitchell: I mean, even though it's... it's not true about the divorce, it could be... you know, someday. And that just... that just makes me so, so... [breathes shakily]
Ptolemy: Confused?
Longinus: Angry?
Jotham: Furious.
Ronaldo: "The Fast and the Furious"!
Mitchell: Okay, this isn't charades.

Quote from Longinus

Mitchell: I'm sad.
Longinus: That's your sad?
Mitchell: Yes.
Longinus: That's your sad?
Mitchell: Yeah. And I-I really need your support right now. [feigns holding back tears]
Ronaldo: Wait, something new is happening.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! How can you not see how emotionally raw I am right now? Huh? Nothing lasts forever. What happens when it's over?
Jotham: Poor Cam. He is so fragile.
Ptolemy: He's gonna need us.
Ronaldo: We'll be there for him.
Mitchell: Who will be there to dry these tears?
Longinus: What tears? Where they at?

Quote from Joe

Mitchell: Oh, hey. Seen Cam?
Joe: And a Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Mitchell: Oh, that's a lot of attitude. You sound like my dad.
Joe: Our dad!
Mitchell: Uch.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Looks like a good place to hide from the drama.
Claire: Dad, I am so mad at your wife right now.
Jay: I need a guest house.
Claire: No, no, no. She... She has completely taken advantage of my restlessness and basically turned me into her housekeeper.
Jay: How? By doing something the wrong way, knowing you'll jump in and do it the right way? [holds wine glass] What's wrong with me? Why can't I get these clean?
Claire: Not gonna happen. am partly to blame. I'm not good at doing nothing. How did they get fingerprints on the inside of the glass? It's crazy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know, I had a similar experience when I turned the company over to you. It wasn't the activity that I missed. I missed being the boss.
Claire: Oh! Yeah. I hear you there.
Jay: Giving orders, people scared of you.
Claire: Yeah.
Jay: I like day drinking, but nothing beats being drunk with power.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Alright. Dylan is on twin duty, so I'm gonna make sure you don't fall asleep.
Phil: I've been asleep for the last 10 years. Imagine finding out the plane crash you were in was no accident.
Cameron: Well, you're not alone. Jay did something very similar to me when Mitchell and I first got together. He "accidentally" bumped me with his car... a real car, not a... not a toy. [sprays Phil with water to keep him awake] I was pretty bruised up. I just... I just assumed it was because he didn't want his son with a boyfriend, but he thought Mitchell could do better. It was a-a bit of a shock. [sprays Phil again] Uhp... But then, once I became a father, I realized how protective you can be over your kid. There was a little boy on Lily's soccer team always teasing her, so at the end-of-the-season party, I may have nudged him face-first into a freshly fried funnel cake. [chuckles]

Quote from Phil

Neil: [to Alex] Disgusting! If this was the first Thanksgiving, your gravy would be the worst thing this country has done to Native Americans!
Jay: Hey, buddy.
Neil: Yeah? [Phil flies the plane into Neil's face] Ohh.
Phil: Oops.
Jay: What a senseless accident.
Neil: What the hell?!
Phil: It's not the end of the world. Chefs don't need to smell things.
Neil: You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here.
Phil: What a splendid idea.
Neil: [opens and slams the oven] Enjoy the soufflé.

Quote from Dylan

Manny: [to the twins] Oh, you guys are so cute!
Luke: Well, George is. Poppy's gonna need a personality.
[Dylan hits Luke in the stomach with the back end of his pool cue]
Dylan: Sorry, dude. Total accident.
Phil: [to Jay] Oh. He's gonna be a good dad.


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