Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond

Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray Barone is a sportswriter who lives on Long Island with his wife, Debra, and their daughter and twin boys. Ray's parents, Frank and Marie, live across the street and his brother, Robert, lives with them.

Starring: Ray Romano, Patricia Heaton, Brad Garrett, Doris Roberts, Peter Boyle, Monica Horan.
Recurring Actors: Fred Willard, Georgia Engel, Chris Elliott, Katherine Helmond, Robert Culp, Andy Kindler, Jon Manfrellotti.
Original Run: 1996-2005.

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Quote from Debra in The Faux Pas

Ray: Yeah that's worse than what I did, right, George?
Debra: No, it is not worse because at least he apologized and then left it at that. You're going on to make this even more humiliating by what you're doing.
Ray: Why? What? What am I doing? What? George, what?
Debra: You say that horrible thing to poor little Chris, and then you go and say the exact same thing to the man himself! And then you invite your whole family in, the flying faux pas! Who treat him to an afternoon of insults.

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Quote from Marie in Lucky Suit

Agent Garfield: Mrs. Barone, you seem like an intelligent woman.
Marie: Thank you. Have a cookie.
Agent Garfield: Do you really think that a mother interfering to the extent that you have could possibly help a man get a job with the FBI? There's something else going on.
Marie: He was supposed to retire! He's a year away from not being a police officer. Which means I could stop worrying about him every second of the day. I want him to be safe. Now he wants to go from one dangerous job to another? How long do I have to walk around with a knot in my stomach? Forever? I can't do it anymore. It's too much. But he wants this job. It'll make him happy. And he should be happy. So, yes, he should have this job. Please, give him this job.
Agent Garfield: I can't do that.
Marie: No. No, don't blame him, you can punish me! Put one of those tracking things on my legs so I can't get out of the house. And if you met my husband, you'd know that's punishment enough.

Quote from Marie in Marie's Sculpture

Marie: Raymond, do you see what they see?
Ray: Um... I don't know.
Marie: No, tell me the truth.
Ray: Well... Maybe if I squint a little.
Marie: Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian!

Quote from Debra in The Angry Family

Debra: First of all, it's not a book. It's pieces of construction paper.
Ray: You sound a bit close-minded.
Debra: Hey. Eileen, you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married, I didn't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street. And that- That would be fine, if they stayed there. But every day... Every day, they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their 60s fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother, "I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn. Raymond has a lawn." But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this kind of sick hold on the both of them. And the father's about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped onto this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories. My life is a Gothic novel! And until you have lived in that house, with all of them in there with you day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, you are in no position to judge me!

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Quote from Ray in The Breakup Tape

Debra: Hey, where you been? What's all this stuff?
Ray: I bought some things. I thought it was time to get some new, better things.
Debra: What did you get?
Ray: What did I get? I got some great stuff. I got a cooler, a lamp, a picture frame and a pepper mill that has been "chef recommended."
[Ray places the large pepper mill down next to a much smaller pepper mill]
Ray: Some new, better things. Oh, and I almost forgot "Debra's Ears." [reads poem] "One on each side, Like a dainty cup, So gently they hold thine sunglasses up. So round and nice, with a subtle ridge, There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."

Quote from Ray in The Plan

Ray: Let's help him with it, Dad. Come on. All right. All right. The first line of this thing should be...
Frank: "Attention, idiots!"
Ray: No. No. It can't be so bad that she figures out it's on purpose.
Frank: Oh, right. You're like a genius.
Ray: Yeah. All right. Well, what's the first line of an invitation supposed to be?
Robert: I guess it should be something like, "Mr. And Mrs. Henry and Patricia MacDougall request the honor of your presence"
Ray: Okay. Wait, wait. So instead of Henry and Patricia MacDougall, we make it "Hank and Pat."
Robert: Okay. That's good. "Hank and Pat." Hey, you know what? Maybe we don't need the "and." Maybe the "and" is too fancy. Just make it an "'n" with apostrophes. "Hank 'n Pat." Like "Shake 'n Bake." Pork 'n beans." Uh, can we do that?
Ray: We just did.

Quote from Frank in Boys' Therapy

Marie: What did you think, Frank?
Frank: Well, when you were yanking me into this, I was, as you know, very skeptical. But then I got there, and I have to say... it really paid off. And I owe it all to Marie's Mouth.
Marie: I'm so happy I helped.
Ray: To Marie's Mouth!