Jay: This is from me and the boys. Gloria got you her own gift.
Claire: Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
Manny: I did that. It's a lost art in this modern age where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet.
Gloria: Papi, just be normal.

Phil: I've thought a lot about what's next.
Luke: 51.
Phil: Thank you, buddy. And it's important that I continue to grow and that I stay mentally challenged. Which is why I am starting...piano lessons, so that by next year's birthday, I'll be good enough to perform in public.
Jay: Oh, great. Another thing to go to.
Phil: Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.
Gloria: Excelente!
Phil: Uh, I... I haven't started yet.

Dylan: The banjo scares me ever since I saw that creepy film. Wait. What was it called, again?
Jay: "Deliverance"?
Dylan: No... "The Muppet Movie." [shudders]

Phil: Okay, okay, okay. Settle down. Um... It's hard to believe I'm 50. As of today, I'm middle-aged.
Cameron: What's he been the last 10 years?
Mitchell: Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial, like us.

Gloria: [to Jay] ¿Por qué eres tan desconsiderado con este niño desesperado que ansía tu amor? [Why are you so thoughtless to this desperate man-child who craves your love?]
Phil: A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means.

Claire: What is this?
Haley: It's an aromatherapy machine. See, you put in oils that are supposed to help you with the stress of the day.
Claire: Oh! Alright, well, let's see. So far, I have gotten a spa day, three massages, a meditation class, an ocean pillow, a rage bat, and a little machine that's supposed to trick my nose into calming me down. Why does everyone think I'm so tense?
Phil: You bit through your night guard.
Joe: You're squeezing me too hard.
Alex: And last week, you made the pharmacist cry.
Claire: That's because he wouldn't sell me any more Sudafed. The entire family was sick. I was not cooking meth.

Haley: [aside to camera] I told my family I just wanted my birthday to be me and Dylan this year because at the time, I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret, and I knew they'd get all suspicious about why I wasn't drinking. What was I going to say? "I can't drink because I have work in the morning"? [laughs] There's no way they'd believe that.

Dylan: Here. I got you a present.
Haley: Ooh! Thank you! [gasps] Get out! Gucci baby sneakers! [laughs] They're adorable. [crying] Our baby's gonna be so hot.

Dylan: Haley's fine. She was so brave. And the babies are great!
Gloria: I can't wait to see them!
Dylan: As soon as they're done getting checked out. I'm gonna go get them now.
Gloria: Wait, wait. What about the sex?
Dylan: Doctor says not for six weeks.

Manny: Oh, what are their names?
Claire: We're gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off. Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella.
Haley: Ooh.