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‘A Year of Birthdays’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: A Year of Birthdays

1022. A Year of Birthdays

Aired May 8, 2019

Ahead of the birth of Haley and Dylan's twins, the family looks back at their birthdays over the past year.

Quote from Manny

Jay: This is from me and the boys. Gloria got you her own gift.
Claire: Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
Manny: I did that. It's a lost art in this modern age where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet.
Gloria: Papi, just be normal.

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Quote from Dylan

Dylan: The banjo scares me ever since I saw that creepy film. Wait. What was it called, again?
Jay: "Deliverance"?
Dylan: No... "The Muppet Movie." [shudders]

Quote from Mitchell

Phil: Okay, okay, okay. Settle down. Um... It's hard to believe I'm 50. As of today, I'm middle-aged.
Cameron: What's he been the last 10 years?
Mitchell: Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial, like us.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I've thought a lot about what's next.
Luke: 51.
Phil: Thank you, buddy. And it's important that I continue to grow and that I stay mentally challenged. Which is why I am starting...piano lessons, so that by next year's birthday, I'll be good enough to perform in public.
Jay: Oh, great. Another thing to go to.
Phil: Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.
Gloria: Excelente!
Phil: Uh, I... I haven't started yet.

Quote from Phil

Gloria: [to Jay] ¿Por qué eres tan desconsiderado con este niño desesperado que ansía tu amor? [Why are you so thoughtless to this desperate man-child who craves your love?]
Phil: A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] I told my family I just wanted my birthday to be me and Dylan this year because at the time, I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret, and I knew they'd get all suspicious about why I wasn't drinking. What was I going to say? "I can't drink because I have work in the morning"? [laughs] There's no way they'd believe that.

Quote from Haley

Dylan: Here. I got you a present.
Haley: Ooh! Thank you! [gasps] Get out! Gucci baby sneakers! [laughs] They're adorable. [crying] Our baby's gonna be so hot.

Quote from Claire

Claire: What is this?
Haley: It's an aromatherapy machine. See, you put in oils that are supposed to help you with the stress of the day.
Claire: Oh! Alright, well, let's see. So far, I have gotten a spa day, three massages, a meditation class, an ocean pillow, a rage bat, and a little machine that's supposed to trick my nose into calming me down. Why does everyone think I'm so tense?
Phil: You bit through your night guard.
Joe: You're squeezing me too hard.
Alex: And last week, you made the pharmacist cry.
Claire: That's because he wouldn't sell me any more Sudafed. The entire family was sick. I was not cooking meth.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Haley's fine. She was so brave. And the babies are great!
Gloria: I can't wait to see them!
Dylan: As soon as they're done getting checked out. I'm gonna go get them now.
Gloria: Wait, wait. What about the sex?
Dylan: Doctor says not for six weeks.

Quote from Claire

Manny: Oh, what are their names?
Claire: We're gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off. Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella.
Haley: Ooh.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Hey, Dad. So, what's going on with that hat?
Jay: Gloria thinks I look grumpy in the photos that we take when we go to these things, so I'm searching for the right hat that makes me look like I'm having fun.
Mitchell: Or you could just smile more.
Jay: Eh.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Wow! "The Sommelier's Guide to the Wines of France."
Claire: Ooh!
Phil: I love it so much. Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed. [gasps] "May you continue to age as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux." "Happy Birthday, Jay. Love, Cam."
Cameron: Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?
Claire: Dad!
Jay: I didn't know he wrote in it.
Cameron: Because you didn't open it.
Jay: So now I feel like a jerk.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I got Gloria the greatest Valentine's Day gift, a box set of DVDs of all the Dean Martin Roasts.
Gloria: I was so moved by the romantic gesture that for Jay's birthday, I invited a bunch of people over to insult him.

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: So, my ex-wife and I, we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria. They're walking down the beach, and my ex-wife says, "Whoa, look at all that skin." And I said, "Baby, come on." "What's wrong with that? She's a beautiful woman in a bikini." She said, "Oh, I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp." [laughter]

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay is so not Latin that every time that he dances, people point him to the bathroom. [laughter] He has no rhythm. That's what I mean. But seriously, I love the whites.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: No, but seriously, Jay is quite the environmentalist. Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine, a wonderful book about wine. [laughs, whimpers]

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I-I don't want to say my father is old, but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.

Quote from Claire

Claire: My dad is old.
All: How old is he?
Claire: He's so old that when he started using it, it was called Preparation G.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Enough! This is terrible! I don't know why any of you people think this is funny! You may think these are jokes, but it's way too real. We need to respect Grandpa instead of cutting him down. None of us really knows how much time he has left. Do you really want these to be the last words he hears?
Jay: Well, now I feel like hell.
Alex: And that's how you roast! Bam! [laughter and applause]

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay. Just as I had hoped, Mitchell is miserable. He said he didn't want a party, but it's like when you write "No gifts" on an invitation but you secretly want everyone to bring something big and expensive, Jotham.
Jotham: I made a heartfelt toast at your party.
Cameron: Yes, and those words were just as generous as the actual physical gifts everyone else brought.

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