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‘Sex, Lies & Kickball’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Modern Family: Sex, Lies & Kickball

904. Sex, Lies & Kickball

Aired October 18, 2017

When Jay's best friend, Shorty, stays at the house after coming back from Costa Rica, Jay is upset as his friend spends more time with Gloria and seems to be avoiding him. Alex is fed up of Claire not taking her boyfriend Ben seriously. Meanwhile, Pepper and Ronaldo's boy, Lionel, stays with Cameron and Mitchell, who take issue with their friends parenting style.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: [after eating and spitting out a Cheeto] And from what fromagerie...
Cameron: You're from Lubbock, Texas.
Pepper: [gasps] You son of a bitch!

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Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: [eating a popsicle] I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
Lionel: You like it, too, Pepper?
Pepper: Mm, wonderful. I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca."
Cameron: Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Pepper: I hate you.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Ronaldo: Mi amor, it's okay.
Pepper: [scoffs] It's not okay. I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook. It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me. I hate sports and nature and... and sherbet. God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Stop the car! [tires screeching, all scream]
Gloria: Why would you do that?!
Jay: I think that's Shorty.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Shorty and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. He and his wife, Darlene, moved to Costa Rica a few years back for, uh... I don't know why. Ruin his life eating beans, fighting malaria, drinking water people bathe in?
Gloria: This. This is when you sound racist!

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass. I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
Lily: This is not great for your people.

Quote from Shorty

Gloria: Shorty, you're kidding.
Shorty: I never joke when it comes to fruit. That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot. There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.

Quote from Mitchell

Pepper: Anyway, we have to get to the airport. How do we say goodbye, Lionel?
Lionel: Au revoir.
Pepper: Come walk us to the door.
Cameron: What have they done to him?
Mitchell: Turned him into a little black Pepper. [both chuckle]

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Shorty, why don't you come and stay with us? You will even get your own room 'cause Manny's off to college.
Shorty: College?! How's he doing?
Gloria: I wish I knew. He needed some space.
Jay: In the meantime, she sends him a care package the size of a Fiat, which included a pack of my favorite sausage.
Gloria: I did not put the sausage...
Jay: Well, where did it go, then?! I know what I ate!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire recently went to a bachelorette party where they gave everyone a passion painting kit.
Claire: The idea is that you and your partner cover one another in paint, get down on the canvas.
Phil: And then get down on the canvas.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Last year, Pepper and Ronaldo told us that they wanted to become parents and were on a quest to acquire Rihanna's eggs.
Cameron: And we said, "Or, you rich queens, you could provide a home for a child that needs one."
Mitchell: So they adopted, and we are a little nervous about how it's going because, um, when they first introduced us to Lionel, we could tell that it wasn't a great fit.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Lily: Hey. Cool shirt.
Ronaldo: It's a basketball costume.
Lionel: Jersey.
Ronaldo: Jersey. Right. Like "Jersey Boys."
Pepper: Okay, somebody fix me a drink. We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car. Do we have to disclose that when we sell it?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, let's have breakfast at my club today. We do a thing on Friday called "Yesterday's Potatoes." They take last night's French fries and make 'em into today's home fries, and last night's fries were fantastic.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: You're terrible parents. [Pepper gasps]
Mitchell: Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
Cameron: All right. Time for some tough love, boys.
Pepper: Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Mitchell: Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: All right, who's up next?
Mitchell: Pepper!
Pepper: Oh. How many scenes does kickball have?

Quote from Jay

Jay: You come to town and you don't tell me? I ought to punch you in the neck, you son of a bitch.
Shorty: Jay!
Gloria: I want to kick you in the knee, you stupid idiot!
Jay: That might not be a thing.

Quote from Joe

Jay: You're a terrible best friend.
Shorty: Don't yell at me. I'm only here a couple of days. It was last-minute. I was gonna call. This Joe? You're huge.
Joe: Eh, I can be bigger.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Stop squirming, Phil. I'm never gonna get this paint on you.
Phil: Okay, I'll do you. You're gonna be so gold, you'll like an Oscar. So many people to thank.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [answering phone] Hi, honey. Everything okay?
Alex: Yeah, I'm just, uh, letting you know I'm sleeping at home tonight.
Claire: Uh, h-how far away are you?
Alex: About 20 minutes.
Phil: Oh, that leaves 10 minutes for cleanup.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: What's been going on with you lately? You look so handsome.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, sweetie. You know what, I added a serum step to my skin-care regimen. W-Wait a minute. You're just angling for horseback-riding lessons, aren't you?
Lily: Come on!
Mitchell: No. You're not gonna become one of those over-scheduled kids that burns out at thirteen and wears combat boots to the beach.
Lily: I'm the least-busy Asian kid in my school.
Cameron: Great. Take the other end of this sheet and help me make up the bed for Lionel.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] It seemed like a bit of a rocky start, but Pepper said it's going well. Parenting does change you. You know, before Lily, I could be so dramatic.
Mitchell: Oh, and I used to be so uptight.
Cameron: But look at us now. [flails hands about] Oh, sorry.
Mitchell: Okay, your hand almost went in my mouth.

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