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‘Sex, Lies & Kickball’ Quotes

Modern Family: Sex, Lies & Kickball

904. Sex, Lies & Kickball

Aired October 18, 2017

When Jay's best friend, Shorty, stays at the house after coming back from Costa Rica, Jay is upset as his friend spends more time with Gloria and seems to be avoiding him. Alex is fed up of Claire not taking her boyfriend Ben seriously. Meanwhile, Pepper and Ronaldo's boy, Lionel, stays with Cameron and Mitchell, who take issue with their friends parenting style.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: [after eating and spitting out a Cheeto] And from what fromagerie...
Cameron: You're from Lubbock, Texas.
Pepper: [gasps] You son of a bitch!

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Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: [eating a popsicle] I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
Lionel: You like it, too, Pepper?
Pepper: Mm, wonderful. I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca."
Cameron: Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Pepper: I hate you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Stop the car! [tires screeching, all scream]
Gloria: Why would you do that?!
Jay: I think that's Shorty.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Shorty and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. He and his wife, Darlene, moved to Costa Rica a few years back for, uh... I don't know why. Ruin his life eating beans, fighting malaria, drinking water people bathe in?
Gloria: This. This is when you sound racist!

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass. I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
Lily: This is not great for your people.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Ronaldo: Mi amor, it's okay.
Pepper: [scoffs] It's not okay. I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook. It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me. I hate sports and nature and... and sherbet. God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.

Quote from Shorty

Gloria: Shorty, you're kidding.
Shorty: I never joke when it comes to fruit. That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot. There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.

Quote from Mitchell

Pepper: Anyway, we have to get to the airport. How do we say goodbye, Lionel?
Lionel: Au revoir.
Pepper: Come walk us to the door.
Cameron: What have they done to him?
Mitchell: Turned him into a little black Pepper. [both chuckle]

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Shorty, why don't you come and stay with us? You will even get your own room 'cause Manny's off to college.
Shorty: College?! How's he doing?
Gloria: I wish I knew. He needed some space.
Jay: In the meantime, she sends him a care package the size of a Fiat, which included a pack of my favorite sausage.
Gloria: I did not put the sausage...
Jay: Well, where did it go, then?! I know what I ate!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire recently went to a bachelorette party where they gave everyone a passion painting kit.
Claire: The idea is that you and your partner cover one another in paint, get down on the canvas.
Phil: And then get down on the canvas.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Last year, Pepper and Ronaldo told us that they wanted to become parents and were on a quest to acquire Rihanna's eggs.
Cameron: And we said, "Or, you rich queens, you could provide a home for a child that needs one."
Mitchell: So they adopted, and we are a little nervous about how it's going because, um, when they first introduced us to Lionel, we could tell that it wasn't a great fit.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Lily: Hey. Cool shirt.
Ronaldo: It's a basketball costume.
Lionel: Jersey.
Ronaldo: Jersey. Right. Like "Jersey Boys."
Pepper: Okay, somebody fix me a drink. We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car. Do we have to disclose that when we sell it?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, let's have breakfast at my club today. We do a thing on Friday called "Yesterday's Potatoes." They take last night's French fries and make 'em into today's home fries, and last night's fries were fantastic.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: You're terrible parents. [Pepper gasps]
Mitchell: Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
Cameron: All right. Time for some tough love, boys.
Pepper: Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Mitchell: Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: All right, who's up next?
Mitchell: Pepper!
Pepper: Oh. How many scenes does kickball have?


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