Pepper: [after eating and spitting out a Cheeto] And from what fromagerie...
Cameron: You're from Lubbock, Texas.
Pepper: [gasps] You son of a bitch!

Ronaldo: [eating a popsicle] I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
Lionel: You like it, too, Pepper?
Pepper: Mm, wonderful. I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on Casablanca.
Cameron: Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Pepper: I hate you.

Pepper: Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Ronaldo: Mi amor, it's okay.
Pepper: [scoffs] It's not okay. I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook. It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me. I hate sports and nature and... and sherbet. God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.

Jay: Stop the car! [tires screeching, all scream]
Gloria: Why would you do that?!
Jay: I think that's Shorty.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Shorty and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. He and his wife, Darlene, moved to Costa Rica a few years back for, uh... I don't know why. Ruin his life eating beans, fighting malaria, drinking water people bathe in?
Gloria: This. This is when you sound racist!

Gloria: Shorty, you're kidding.
Shorty: I never joke when it comes to fruit. That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot. There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.

Pepper: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass. I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
Lily: This is not great for your people.

Pepper: Anyway, we have to get to the airport. How do we say goodbye, Lionel?
Lionel: Au revoir.
Pepper: Come walk us to the door.
Cameron: What have they done to him?
Mitchell: Turned him into a little black Pepper. [both chuckle]

Gloria: Shorty, why don't you come and stay with us? You will even get your own room 'cause Manny's off to college.
Shorty: College?! How's he doing?
Gloria: I wish I knew. He needed some space.
Jay: In the meantime, she sends him a care package the size of a Fiat, which included a pack of my favorite sausage.
Gloria: I did not put the sausage...
Jay: Well, where did it go, then?! I know what I ate!

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire recently went to a bachelorette party where they gave everyone a passion painting kit.
Claire: The idea is that you and your partner cover one another in paint, get down on the canvas.
Phil: And then get down on the canvas.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Last year, Pepper and Ronaldo told us that they wanted to become parents and were on a quest to acquire Rihanna's eggs.
Cameron: And we said, "Or, you rich queens, you could provide a home for a child that needs one."
Mitchell: So they adopted, and we are a little nervous about how it's going because, um, when they first introduced us to Lionel, we could tell that it wasn't a great fit.