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38Quotes from ‘Sex, Lies & Kickball’

Modern Family: Sex, Lies & Kickball

904. Sex, Lies & Kickball

Aired October 18, 2017

When Jay's best friend, Shorty, stays at the house after coming back from Costa Rica, Jay is upset as his friend spends more time with Gloria and seems to be avoiding him. Alex is fed up of Claire not taking her boyfriend Ben seriously. Meanwhile, Pepper and Ronaldo's boy, Lionel, stays with Cameron and Mitchell, who take issue with their friends parenting style.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: [after eating and spitting out a Cheeto] And from what fromagerie...
Cameron: You're from Lubbock, Texas.
Pepper: [gasps] You son of a bitch!

Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: [eating a popsicle] I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
Lionel: You like it, too, Pepper?
Pepper: Mm, wonderful. I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca."
Cameron: Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Pepper: I hate you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Stop the car! [tires screeching, all scream]
Gloria: Why would you do that?!
Jay: I think that's Shorty.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Shorty and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. He and his wife, Darlene, moved to Costa Rica a few years back for, uh... I don't know why. Ruin his life eating beans, fighting malaria, drinking water people bathe in?
Gloria: This. This is when you sound racist!

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass. I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
Lily: This is not great for your people.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Ronaldo: Mi amor, it's okay.
Pepper: [scoffs] It's not okay. I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook. It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me. I hate sports and nature and... and sherbet. God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.

Quote from Shorty

Gloria: Shorty, you're kidding.
Shorty: I never joke when it comes to fruit. That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot. There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.

Quote from Mitchell

Pepper: Anyway, we have to get to the airport. How do we say goodbye, Lionel?
Lionel: Au revoir.
Pepper: Come walk us to the door.
Cameron: What have they done to him?
Mitchell: Turned him into a little black Pepper. [both chuckle]

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Shorty, why don't you come and stay with us? You will even get your own room 'cause Manny's off to college.
Shorty: College?! How's he doing?
Gloria: I wish I knew. He needed some space.
Jay: In the meantime, she sends him a care package the size of a Fiat, which included a pack of my favorite sausage.
Gloria: I did not put the sausage...
Jay: Well, where did it go, then?! I know what I ate!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire recently went to a bachelorette party where they gave everyone a passion painting kit.
Claire: The idea is that you and your partner cover one another in paint, get down on the canvas.
Phil: And then get down on the canvas.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Last year, Pepper and Ronaldo told us that they wanted to become parents and were on a quest to acquire Rihanna's eggs.
Cameron: And we said, "Or, you rich queens, you could provide a home for a child that needs one."
Mitchell: So they adopted, and we are a little nervous about how it's going because, um, when they first introduced us to Lionel, we could tell that it wasn't a great fit.

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Lily: Hey. Cool shirt.
Ronaldo: It's a basketball costume.
Lionel: Jersey.
Ronaldo: Jersey. Right. Like "Jersey Boys."
Pepper: Okay, somebody fix me a drink. We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car. Do we have to disclose that when we sell it?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, let's have breakfast at my club today. We do a thing on Friday called "Yesterday's Potatoes." They take last night's French fries and make 'em into today's home fries, and last night's fries were fantastic.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: You're terrible parents. [Pepper gasps]
Mitchell: Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
Cameron: All right. Time for some tough love, boys.
Pepper: Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Mitchell: Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: All right, who's up next?
Mitchell: Pepper!
Pepper: Oh. How many scenes does kickball have?

Quote from Jay

Jay: You come to town and you don't tell me? I ought to punch you in the neck, you son of a bitch.
Shorty: Jay!
Gloria: I want to kick you in the knee, you stupid idiot!
Jay: That might not be a thing.

Quote from Joe

Jay: You're a terrible best friend.
Shorty: Don't yell at me. I'm only here a couple of days. It was last-minute. I was gonna call. This Joe? You're huge.
Joe: Eh, I can be bigger.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Stop squirming, Phil. I'm never gonna get this paint on you.
Phil: Okay, I'll do you. You're gonna be so gold, you'll like an Oscar. So many people to thank.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [answering phone] Hi, honey. Everything okay?
Alex: Yeah, I'm just, uh, letting you know I'm sleeping at home tonight.
Claire: Uh, h-how far away are you?
Alex: About 20 minutes.
Phil: Oh, that leaves 10 minutes for cleanup.

Quote from Mitchell

Lily: What's been going on with you lately? You look so handsome.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, sweetie. You know what, I added a serum step to my skin-care regimen. W-Wait a minute. You're just angling for horseback-riding lessons, aren't you?
Lily: Come on!
Mitchell: No. You're not gonna become one of those over-scheduled kids that burns out at thirteen and wears combat boots to the beach.
Lily: I'm the least-busy Asian kid in my school.
Cameron: Great. Take the other end of this sheet and help me make up the bed for Lionel.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] It seemed like a bit of a rocky start, but Pepper said it's going well. Parenting does change you. You know, before Lily, I could be so dramatic.
Mitchell: Oh, and I used to be so uptight.
Cameron: But look at us now. [flails hands about] Oh, sorry.
Mitchell: Okay, your hand almost went in my mouth.

Quote from Pepper

Pepper: Ohh! I like this! It's a lot better than what was here before.
Mitchell: Uh, our kitchen was there before.
Pepper: [chuckles] Am I being unclear?

Quote from Pepper

Cameron: Okay, well, Lionel, don't you look sharp?
Lionel: It's Burberry from Harrods in London. Right?
Pepper: Ohh, you wonderful child. You won't need those flashcards much longer.

Quote from Pepper

Ronaldo: Here, for Lionel's stay: some snacks, toiletries, a design magazine you two could also flip through.
Mitchell: Okay, so, Lionel, uh, we have you set up here in the den. That's where the TV is, and Cam tells me that we have a sports package.
Lionel: That's okay. I should practice my cursive. Pepper says penmanship is a lost art.
Pepper: Yes. As are thank-you notes, which is why we can only assume you enjoyed our anniversary gift.

Quote from Alex

Alex: It's so infuriating. She treats you like you're not even a man. Doesn't that bother you?
Ben: You know, if you please everyone, you're not making enough progress. Sheryl Sandberg.

Quote from Alex

Alex: You know what? If she wants to belittle you like you're some child, we are going to use this to show her what kind of man you are.
Ben: I don't want to get paint on my T-shirt and socks.
Alex: Well, maybe you'll just have to take them off for this one.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Your friend has a very successful juice business in Costa Rica.
Shorty: They call me the Fruit King.
Jay: They must have seen the outfit. I'll tell you what. I got a little thing this morning at the office. Why don't we meet back here at 1:00 for a little best-friend catch-up? Deal?
Shorty: Deal. Sounds good.
Gloria: You know what doesn't sound good? One grown man calling another grown man his best friend.
Jay: She doesn't get us. See you, buddy.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: No, you know what, this is upsetting me. He dresses the way they tell him to dress. He eats what they tell him to eat.
Mitchell: I know. They control his every move, and he clearly feels pressured to go along with it.
Lily: That's probably why he keeps telling me how lucky I am to live here.
Cameron: He said that? Wh... Why didn't you tell us?
Lily: You guys don't leave a lot of space to jump into your conversat...
Mitchell: You know what this is, Cam? He's obviously jealous of Lily because we allow her to be a kid and have fun.
Lily: Imagine how jealous he'll be when he finds out about my horseback-riding lessons.
Cameron: Let it go.
Mitchell: We're not doing that.

Quote from Luke

Luke: Hey, guys. Cool painting. Who did it?
Phil: Alex and Ben.
Luke: Oh, I think I heard them making it last night. She kept saying he was doing it wrong, but it looks good to me. I mean, I don't know anything about art, but... I know what I like. [bites apple]

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: Oh, sorry, I kind of lost track of time.
Jay: Hey, no worries. Who among us hasn't blown off his best friend he hasn't seen in four years to go fruit shopping?
Shorty: Sounds like somebody could use a Pomegrapefruit Blast.
Gloria: Blast means "yogurt."

Quote from Jay

Jay: Um, you're taking Shorty to the theater?
Gloria: Ah, yes. I got the tickets for me and Manny, but he can't go and Shorty loves "Wicked." He thinks he's a Galinda and his brother an Elphaba.
Jay: You know what you're doing, don't you? You're turning Shorty into Manny. Stop hogging my best friend!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Look, if he said Lily's lucky to be here, then he's clearly unhappy at Pepper and Ronaldo's.
Mitchell: I mean, w-what kid wouldn't be? I mean, that house is so sterile. Do you remember when Pepper got made at me and he laid down plastic before throwing a drink in my face?

Quote from Cameron

Pepper: No, I'm deflecting! I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
Cameron: Okay, well, here goes. We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but... [Pepper and Ronaldo gasp] Okay, a little early for that reaction. I haven't even gotten to say, I haven't even gotten to say, "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child." And hit it. [both gasp]

Quote from Pepper

Mitchell: Anyway, um, part of parenting is exposing your children to things that you value. You know, art and culture and good food.
Ronaldo: That's exactly what we're doing.
Cameron: But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, doing things that they want to do even though you don't like 'em.
Mitchell: Yeah, he's a kid. He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs. He... He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
Pepper: Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.

Quote from Pepper

Lionel: Just so you know, I don't care about kickball or Popsicles or any of that stuff. I like how we live.
Pepper: You do?
Ronaldo: Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
Lionel: I mean it. Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, not a cheetah in sunglasses.
Pepper: Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Ronaldo: Mine, too, you perfect boy.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us. Remember?
Lionel: I was trying to make her feel better. I got so much, and she got... They give her haircuts at home.
[Pepper gasps]
Cameron: Okay, I took a class.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head. [wagging her finger] And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. I don't know where that came from.

Quote from Shorty

Jay: Hey, fella. What happened in there?
Shorty: I'm a fraud, Jay. I'm a damn fraud.
Jay: Come on. We all cry at weird stuff. For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
Shorty: It's not the crying I'm worried about. You were right. You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, and I did.
Jay: What are you talking about? I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
Shorty: Lies! It's all lies, Jay! I'm not no juice magnate. I had a juice stand, and things were okay... until these monkeys got a hold of my knives. The lawyer says I can't talk about it. Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines and leaves me. That's why I've been avoiding you. I'm a disgusting loser!
Jay: Who are you talking to? You don't need to be embarrassed.
Shorty: But you said, "Don't come crying to me when it all turns to hell and I have to pick up the pieces." You said that!
Jay: It's just what you say. Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces. What else would I do? You're my best friend.
Shorty: And you're my best friend, damn it.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, open the door. I know you're in there.
Manny: Mom, what are you doing here?
Gloria: I know that you said that you wanted your space, but it's so hard on me, okay? So I want a text message at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, and three times a week, a picture of your face so that I can look into your eyes and see if you're lying to me.
Manny: Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
Gloria: No, we didn't. That was days ago.
Manny: Yesterday, at 8:37A.M., you asked if I got your care package and said, "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," then you accidentally hit voice memo and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
Gloria: I'm sorry. I just miss you.
Manny: I guess it's not so terrible if you stop on by every now and then.


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