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‘Ringmaster Keifth’ Quotes

Modern Family: Ringmaster Keifth

810. Ringmaster Keifth

Aired January 4, 2017

After his Thanksgiving culinary debacle, Cameron decides to treat the family to a New Year's Day feast with a whole roasted pig. When the meal threatens to become another disaster, Cameron convinces Mitchell to use his "concierge gift card" to requisition a replacement pig. Unfortunately, the concierge turns out to be Cameron's ex-boyfriend, Keifth, who left without saying goodbye. Meanwhile, Phil is uncomfortable when his dad, Frank, comes to town with Phil's former babysitter. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria confront the difficult question of who should raise Joe if anything were to happen to them.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is this? We don't need to put aside money for Manny's college. I already took care of it. When Manny was born, I didn't want to rely on anyone, so I started saving money from my paycheck. Eventually, I made enough money for Manny's college, so if anything happens, he'll be okay.
Jay: That's amazing. How did I not see this in the bank statements?
Gloria: Why would I put money that I might need to run away with in the middle of night in the bank? I put it in my disappear bag.

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Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, get ready to pig out!
Mitchell: In six to eight hours.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I did Thanksgiving dinner last year, and it didn't go well.
Mitchell: Cam blew up the turkey and made the goat kill itself.
Cameron: Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal, and I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig. So, you just dig a hole, you put down a bed of coals, then a layer of banana leaves, lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin foil, and bam! Six hours later, you dig it all up, put it on a platter, and bam! Dinner is served.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: The money has to be here somewhere. This is all the stuff from when we first moved in together.
Jay: Why do we have a box of doll heads?
Gloria: Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence that we have never had evil spirits in this house.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's this?
Gloria: No, that is-
Jay: "If I ever go missing or am found dead, it was my husband"? What the hell is this?!
Gloria: Ay! Calm down. It was when we had our first big fight. Of course I knew that you were not going to kill me. I was just going to run away and frame you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I knew that voice. It was Keifth. When I first moved here, I was just a young Missouri hayseed. I-I bought a ticket to the circus one day, and there in the middle of all the action, in an impeccably pressed tuxedo, was Ringmaster Keifth. I started hanging out at circus bars until we met. The attraction was immediate. He was older, always in command of a room, which makes sense because a room is just a permanent tent. We dated for six months. He transformed me into the sophisticate that we all know today. And then, he suddenly disappeared. No goodbye. No note. Just some peanut shells on the floor that must have fallen from his glorious black boot.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Help yourself to my Christmas present. Nothing like a frozen margarita in a hot tub. Lets nature know we can do anything she can.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: Guys, just because you spent Christmas in Missouri doesn't mean that we forgot about you. Open your presents.
Mitchell: Oh, okay! I'll go first. Uh, let's see. Oh, it's a gift certificate for E-Butler.
Jay: It's a concierge service. Use it for errands, tickets, things like that.
Mitchell: Oh my God. I love this! It's like staying in a hotel, but I don't have to wear gloves to use the remote.

Quote from Frank

Claire: So good to see you! How was the drive?
Frank: Fantastic. My radio broke around Tallahassee. But is there a better entertainment source than the billboards of America? Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, Cam, what are we-
Cameron: Okay. Just just be cool. Just be cool.
Mitchell: Be cool? You just jangled across the yard like a big country tambourine.
Cameron: All right, well, apparently, the fire went out and I didn't notice, and now this pig is as cold as your family is gonna be when they figure out I ruined another meal.
Mitchell: Okay, this is bad. My dad does not like to be pork teased.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What about these will questions? If something happens to us, who should raise Joe?
Gloria: No, Jay, don't say that.
Jay: All right, look. If someone other than us needs to raise Joe, I vote Mitch and Cam. Nice balance. Mitch is, uh, responsible, he knows culture, and Cam is basically a mom who played college football. Plus, Joe and Lily are close in age.
Gloria: Yeah, but isn't she a little...
Jay: Direct? You're not wrong. She did five minutes on my nose at Thanksgiving.
Gloria: I mean, it's a little big, but to say that it has its own zip code, that was too much for me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: How am I saying it wrong? His name is Keith.
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: Keef?
Cameron: It couldn't be simpler. K-E-I-F-T-H. Keifth. Fth. Fth. A remarkable name for a remarkable man.
Mitchell: Isn't ringmaster basically a ceremonial position?
Cameron: Uh, wow. I would love to live in your fantasy world where circuses run themselves.

Quote from Frank

Phil: So, uh, place looks great.
Frank: Yeah, Lorraine really spruced it up. Curtains, brass safety rails over the privy. That was really a lifesaver. She stopped short on the I-90 once. I came rolling out of there like a Chinese acrobat.

Quote from Phil

Phil: As I guess you heard, I had no reason to be worried. He didn't even notice when Lorraine was my babysitter. Plus, they're not even that serious.
Claire: I felt a ring box in his pocket.
Phil: What? No way.
Claire: Yep. There's only one thing shaped like that.
Phil: No, there isn't. There's a million things Rubik's Cube, sewing kit, souvenir tire keychain from Smokey-Top. I can't think of anything that's not shaped like that.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, C-Cam, didn't you tell me you once dated someone named Keifth?
Cameron: Oh, yes. Keifth. What was it you did again? I remember you wore white gloves and and gestured a lot. Subway mime?
Keifth Banks: I commanded a circus.
Cameron: Yes. Now I remember. How have you been? I see you're in pig delivery now?
Keifth Banks: I'm a concierge. The circus business has gotten rather difficult. People today, they don't have the patience for the more elegant pleasures of yesteryear: men putting their heads into lion's mouths, unfortunate little people being shot from cannons.

Quote from Cameron

Keifth Banks: To the matter at hand. The swap will be difficult. Fortunately, I have had a bit of experience with misdirects just tell the audience to keep your eyes on the center ring! They won't even notice the trapeze act suffering through the more vivid stages of food poisoning.
Cameron: That happened. I was there.
Mitchell: Oh.
Keifth Banks: First, I will release a live peacock, an exotic beauty of the Orient into the yard.
Cameron: Magical.
Keifth Banks: Then, I will need something to lure him inside to draw the family's attention. Do you happen to have any Andalusian filberts?
Mitchell: No.
Keifth Banks: Then Cheez-Its will do. Naturally, everyone will be transfixed. And while they're distracted, we will swap out the pigs, the dinner will be saved, and the show will go on. Just let me sneak a peek at the backyard.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: We got to lightning round these forms. You guys are overthinking this. Everybody knows in their heart what they want. They just feel bad about making the decision. So, who will be the executor of your estate? Go.
Jay: You.
Mitchell: Aww. Okay. Um, do you want to leave anything to charity?
Gloria: Yes. 10% to whatever is sexy at the time we die like, um, orphans or whatever.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: Um, who do you want as Joe's legal guardian? No, no, don't think. Just answer, okay? If something happens to both of you, who do you want to take care of Joe?
Manny: Me, obviously.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, you're too young. Besides, you're about to start your new life soon.
Jay: Yeah, you should be out sowing your oats or just sewing. That's something you like.
Manny: [scoffs] I don't see what the big deal is. I'd hire a nanny, sell the house, downsize to a condo. I'm thinking maybe a loft in an up-and-coming arts district. Sure, it'll take me a bit longer to finish college, but aren't those the best years of life, anyway? The main thing is, he's my brother. I'm not letting anybody else raise him.
Gloria: Ay, Manny. You're so sweet.
Jay: Am I the only one unsettled by how much he's thought about that already?


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