Gloria: What is this? We don't need to put aside money for Manny's college. I already took care of it. When Manny was born, I didn't want to rely on anyone, so I started saving money from my paycheck. Eventually, I made enough money for Manny's college, so if anything happens, he'll be okay.
Jay: That's amazing. How did I not see this in the bank statements?
Gloria: Why would I put money that I might need to run away with in the middle of night in the bank? I put it in my disappear bag.

Cameron: Okay, get ready to pig out!
Mitchell: In six to eight hours.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I did Thanksgiving dinner last year, and it didn't go well.
Mitchell: Cam blew up the turkey and made the goat kill itself.
Cameron: Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal, and I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig. So, you just dig a hole, you put down a bed of coals, then a layer of banana leaves, lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin foil, and bam! Six hours later, you dig it all up, put it on a platter, and bam! Dinner is served.

Gloria: The money has to be here somewhere. This is all the stuff from when we first moved in together.
Jay: Why do we have a box of doll heads?
Gloria: Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence that we have never had evil spirits in this house.

Jay: What's this?
Gloria: No, that is-
Jay: "If I ever go missing or am found dead, it was my husband"? What the hell is this?!
Gloria: Ay! Calm down. It was when we had our first big fight. Of course I knew that you were not going to kill me. I was just going to run away and frame you.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I knew that voice. It was Keifth. When I first moved here, I was just a young Missouri hayseed. I-I bought a ticket to the circus one day, and there in the middle of all the action, in an impeccably pressed tuxedo, was Ringmaster Keifth. I started hanging out at circus bars until we met. The attraction was immediate. He was older, always in command of a room, which makes sense because a room is just a permanent tent. We dated for six months. He transformed me into the sophisticate that we all know today. And then, he suddenly disappeared. No goodbye. No note. Just some peanut shells on the floor that must have fallen from his glorious black boot.

Jay: Help yourself to my Christmas present. Nothing like a frozen margarita in a hot tub. Lets nature know we can do anything she can.

Gloria: Guys, just because you spent Christmas in Missouri doesn't mean that we forgot about you. Open your presents.
Mitchell: Oh, okay! I'll go first. Uh, let's see. Oh, it's a gift certificate for E-Butler.
Jay: It's a concierge service. Use it for errands, tickets, things like that.
Mitchell: Oh my God. I love this! It's like staying in a hotel, but I don't have to wear gloves to use the remote.

Claire: So good to see you! How was the drive?
Frank: Fantastic. My radio broke around Tallahassee. But is there a better entertainment source than the billboards of America? Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback.

Mitchell: Okay, Cam, what are we-
Cameron: Okay. Just just be cool. Just be cool.
Mitchell: Be cool? You just jangled across the yard like a big country tambourine.
Cameron: All right, well, apparently, the fire went out and I didn't notice, and now this pig is as cold as your family is gonna be when they figure out I ruined another meal.
Mitchell: Okay, this is bad. My dad does not like to be pork teased.

Jay: What about these will questions? If something happens to us, who should raise Joe?
Gloria: No, Jay, don't say that.
Jay: All right, look. If someone other than us needs to raise Joe, I vote Mitch and Cam. Nice balance. Mitch is, uh, responsible, he knows culture, and Cam is basically a mom who played college football. Plus, Joe and Lily are close in age.
Gloria: Yeah, but isn't she a little...
Jay: Direct? You're not wrong. She did five minutes on my nose at Thanksgiving.
Gloria: I mean, it's a little big, but to say that it has its own zip code, that was too much for me.