Previous Episode Next Episode 

43Quotes from ‘Ringmaster Keifth’

Modern Family: Ringmaster Keifth

810. Ringmaster Keifth

Aired January 4, 2017

After his Thanksgiving culinary debacle, Cameron decides to treat the family to a New Year's Day feast with a whole roasted pig. When the meal threatens to become another disaster, Cameron convinces Mitchell to use his "concierge gift card" to requisition a replacement pig. Unfortunately, the concierge turns out to be Cameron's ex-boyfriend, Keifth, who left without saying goodbye. Meanwhile, Phil is uncomfortable when his dad, Frank, comes to town with Phil's former babysitter. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria confront the difficult question of who should raise Joe if anything were to happen to them.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: What is this? We don't need to put aside money for Manny's college. I already took care of it. When Manny was born, I didn't want to rely on anyone, so I started saving money from my paycheck. Eventually, I made enough money for Manny's college, so if anything happens, he'll be okay.
Jay: That's amazing. How did I not see this in the bank statements?
Gloria: Why would I put money that I might need to run away with in the middle of night in the bank? I put it in my disappear bag.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, get ready to pig out!
Mitchell: In six to eight hours.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I did Thanksgiving dinner last year, and it didn't go well.
Mitchell: Cam blew up the turkey and made the goat kill itself.
Cameron: Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal, and I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig. So, you just dig a hole, you put down a bed of coals, then a layer of banana leaves, lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin foil, and bam! Six hours later, you dig it all up, put it on a platter, and bam! Dinner is served.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: The money has to be here somewhere. This is all the stuff from when we first moved in together.
Jay: Why do we have a box of doll heads?
Gloria: Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence that we have never had evil spirits in this house.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What's this?
Gloria: No, that is-
Jay: "If I ever go missing or am found dead, it was my husband"? What the hell is this?!
Gloria: Ay! Calm down. It was when we had our first big fight. Of course I knew that you were not going to kill me. I was just going to run away and frame you.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I knew that voice. It was Keifth. When I first moved here, I was just a young Missouri hayseed. I-I bought a ticket to the circus one day, and there in the middle of all the action, in an impeccably pressed tuxedo, was Ringmaster Keifth. I started hanging out at circus bars until we met. The attraction was immediate. He was older, always in command of a room, which makes sense because a room is just a permanent tent. We dated for six months. He transformed me into the sophisticate that we all know today. And then, he suddenly disappeared. No goodbye. No note. Just some peanut shells on the floor that must have fallen from his glorious black boot.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Help yourself to my Christmas present. Nothing like a frozen margarita in a hot tub. Lets nature know we can do anything she can.

Quote from Mitchell

Gloria: Guys, just because you spent Christmas in Missouri doesn't mean that we forgot about you. Open your presents.
Mitchell: Oh, okay! I'll go first. Uh, let's see. Oh, it's a gift certificate for E-Butler.
Jay: It's a concierge service. Use it for errands, tickets, things like that.
Mitchell: Oh my God. I love this! It's like staying in a hotel, but I don't have to wear gloves to use the remote.

Quote from Frank

Claire: So good to see you! How was the drive?
Frank: Fantastic. My radio broke around Tallahassee. But is there a better entertainment source than the billboards of America? Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Okay, Cam, what are we-
Cameron: Okay. Just just be cool. Just be cool.
Mitchell: Be cool? You just jangled across the yard like a big country tambourine.
Cameron: All right, well, apparently, the fire went out and I didn't notice, and now this pig is as cold as your family is gonna be when they figure out I ruined another meal.
Mitchell: Okay, this is bad. My dad does not like to be pork teased.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What about these will questions? If something happens to us, who should raise Joe?
Gloria: No, Jay, don't say that.
Jay: All right, look. If someone other than us needs to raise Joe, I vote Mitch and Cam. Nice balance. Mitch is, uh, responsible, he knows culture, and Cam is basically a mom who played college football. Plus, Joe and Lily are close in age.
Gloria: Yeah, but isn't she a little...
Jay: Direct? You're not wrong. She did five minutes on my nose at Thanksgiving.
Gloria: I mean, it's a little big, but to say that it has its own zip code, that was too much for me.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: How am I saying it wrong? His name is Keith.
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: Keef?
Cameron: It couldn't be simpler. K-E-I-F-T-H. Keifth. Fth. Fth. A remarkable name for a remarkable man.
Mitchell: Isn't ringmaster basically a ceremonial position?
Cameron: Uh, wow. I would love to live in your fantasy world where circuses run themselves.

Quote from Frank

Phil: So, uh, place looks great.
Frank: Yeah, Lorraine really spruced it up. Curtains, brass safety rails over the privy. That was really a lifesaver. She stopped short on the I-90 once. I came rolling out of there like a Chinese acrobat.

Quote from Phil

Phil: As I guess you heard, I had no reason to be worried. He didn't even notice when Lorraine was my babysitter. Plus, they're not even that serious.
Claire: I felt a ring box in his pocket.
Phil: What? No way.
Claire: Yep. There's only one thing shaped like that.
Phil: No, there isn't. There's a million things Rubik's Cube, sewing kit, souvenir tire keychain from Smokey-Top. I can't think of anything that's not shaped like that.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: No, C-Cam, didn't you tell me you once dated someone named Keifth?
Cameron: Oh, yes. Keifth. What was it you did again? I remember you wore white gloves and and gestured a lot. Subway mime?
Keifth Banks: I commanded a circus.
Cameron: Yes. Now I remember. How have you been? I see you're in pig delivery now?
Keifth Banks: I'm a concierge. The circus business has gotten rather difficult. People today, they don't have the patience for the more elegant pleasures of yesteryear: men putting their heads into lion's mouths, unfortunate little people being shot from cannons.

Quote from Cameron

Keifth Banks: To the matter at hand. The swap will be difficult. Fortunately, I have had a bit of experience with misdirects just tell the audience to keep your eyes on the center ring! They won't even notice the trapeze act suffering through the more vivid stages of food poisoning.
Cameron: That happened. I was there.
Mitchell: Oh.
Keifth Banks: First, I will release a live peacock, an exotic beauty of the Orient into the yard.
Cameron: Magical.
Keifth Banks: Then, I will need something to lure him inside to draw the family's attention. Do you happen to have any Andalusian filberts?
Mitchell: No.
Keifth Banks: Then Cheez-Its will do. Naturally, everyone will be transfixed. And while they're distracted, we will swap out the pigs, the dinner will be saved, and the show will go on. Just let me sneak a peek at the backyard.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: We got to lightning round these forms. You guys are overthinking this. Everybody knows in their heart what they want. They just feel bad about making the decision. So, who will be the executor of your estate? Go.
Jay: You.
Mitchell: Aww. Okay. Um, do you want to leave anything to charity?
Gloria: Yes. 10% to whatever is sexy at the time we die like, um, orphans or whatever.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: Um, who do you want as Joe's legal guardian? No, no, don't think. Just answer, okay? If something happens to both of you, who do you want to take care of Joe?
Manny: Me, obviously.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, you're too young. Besides, you're about to start your new life soon.
Jay: Yeah, you should be out sowing your oats or just sewing. That's something you like.
Manny: [scoffs] I don't see what the big deal is. I'd hire a nanny, sell the house, downsize to a condo. I'm thinking maybe a loft in an up-and-coming arts district. Sure, it'll take me a bit longer to finish college, but aren't those the best years of life, anyway? The main thing is, he's my brother. I'm not letting anybody else raise him.
Gloria: Ay, Manny. You're so sweet.
Jay: Am I the only one unsettled by how much he's thought about that already?

Quote from Alex

Haley: Alex and I are just here to raid your guys' closet for some vintage clothing.
Alex: Yeah, we're going to a '90s music festival called Fo-shizzle-fest.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Okay, me next. Me next. Oh it's an apron with with bells on it.
Gloria: And it says, "Cam and get it!"
Cameron: Oh, so that's not a mistake?
Jay: We spent extra cash to get that custom made. Came to me in a dream.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Well, that was a scare.
Jay: Nothing happened. I know where you're going with this.
Mitchell: This is why I've been hounding you about your estate planning.
Gloria: No, Mitch. Don't put that horrible thing out in the universe! [spits, exhales forcefully]
Claire: Dad, you still haven't done that?
Mitchell: They haven't updated their paperwork since Joe was born. Uh, God forbid something bad should happen to them we don't even know who'd they want to raise Joe.
Gloria: Shh! [spits]
Jay: Will you stop scaring her? I spend more money on eyelashes than most of you do on health care. Fine, we'll do it today. What better way to start the new year than by preparing for the worst?

Quote from Phil

Lorraine: Plus, he had me to keep him company.
Phil: Lorraine?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Lorraine was my babysitter growing up. She was also my first crush and also the star of my first, um "funny dream."

Quote from Frank

Frank: Yeah, Lorraine used to bring out the holy terror in Phil. It seemed like he wanted to be spanked by her.
Phil: No, I did not.
Claire: How long has this been going on?
Frank: Well, we reconnected earlier this year on jury duty. I was the lone holdout on a triple homicide case. You can just feel when someone is innocent, you know?
Claire: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Frank: But Lorraine said she'd go out to lunch with me if I changed my vote, so here we are.

Quote from Mitchell

Keifth: [on the phone] Thank you for calling E-Butler, Mr. Pritchett. How may I make your day more E-fficient?
Mitchell: Okay, um, well, this is a weird request.
Keifth: Keep in mind, erotic tasks are billed at twice the normal rate.
Mitchell: Uh, no, I-I need you to secretly deliver a whole roasted pig.
Keifth: With extreme pleasure. Requests like these remind me why I E-buttle.

Quote from Mitchell

Keifth: [on the phone] I found a trattoria in Little Polynesia that can spare a fully roasted pig.
Cameron: Mitchell.
Keifth: Sorry for the delay.
Mitchell: It w- It was a minute and a half.
Keifth: You can't know my shame. I'll deliver the porcine parcel within the hour.
Mitchell: Okay, that that is great. I will- I will see you then.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: What is wrong with you?
Cameron: Okay, my circus boyfriend who left me in the middle of the night that was him. And now he's coming here?! This is no way to ring in a new year. [bells jingle]

Quote from Frank

Lorraine: Is it weird we've barely seen Phil since we've been here?
Frank: He was always a wanderer. It's the curse of being a genius.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Phil.
Phil: Trinidad and Tobago!
Claire: Why are you avoiding Frank?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, there's something you don't know.
Claire: She used to be your babysitter, and you had the hots for her.
Phil: How?
Claire: What is the plan, honey? Are you just gonna avoid them?
Phil: I just need a minute to get comfortable with this, okay? I mean, did he always have a crush on her, even when my mom was around? It's one thing for a 13-year-old to position his babysitter in front of an open refrigerator so that he can enjoy the backlit contours of her beautiful body in the silk blouse he stole from Randall's mother. But what if he was doing the same thing?

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know we don't talk in my family. We riff. We do bits. You know how my dad told me my grandmother died? In a knock-knock joke.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Call and cancel.
Mitchell: Then who's gonna save your dinner? Besides, we don't even know if the concierge is actually Keifth.
Cameron: I'm gonna forget the velvety baritone that abandoned me in the middle of the night? And plus, he walks in here, I lose it, I don't want Lily to see that.
Mitchell: Oh, she's not here. She has that sleepover, and she already leffffth.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Then it hit me. It could be therapeutic for Cam to see this ridiculously named circus person who deserted him because that incident could be the very root of his pretty intense abandonment issues, which are not unchallenging.
[flashback to Mitchell getting out of bed in the middle of the night:]
Cameron: Where are you going?
Mitchell: To the bathroom.
Cameron: Well, have a nice life.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What about Phil and Claire to take care of Joe?
Jay: I don't know. Isn't Phil kind of silly?
Gloria: What are you talking about? Phil is a great father. He's kind. He's fun. Even Lily likes him.
Jay: But is he too likeable? Where's the gravitas?
Gloria: He's full of energy. He's sensitive, and he never, ever gets grumpy.
Jay: Fine. Why don't you give Joe to Super Dad right now, then?

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Oh, my God, are you really jealous because Phil might be a better father than you?
Jay: I know it's stupid. Not to mention the fact that Joe gets Claire in the deal. She's a fantastic mother. Runs a company, hell of a role model. He could never do better than that for a mother.
Gloria: You know what, Phil and Claire have already raised their kids. I think it's time for them to travel.

Quote from Haley

Haley: There must be a bus stop nearby. Until then, just act normal like we don't have [whispering] $40,000 on us.
Alex: Okay, why are you whispering only part of a sentence? That's going to attract attention.
Haley: Really? More than you being covered in sweat? Because you look like a sauna wall.
Alex: You're right. How do I make myself stop sweating?
Haley: [crying] I don't know!
Alex: Oh, don't cry. Crying's worse than sweating. [crying] Oh look, now I'm crying too!
Haley: Maybe we can smile our way out of this. [both sobbing]

Quote from Frank

Claire: Well, Frank, I'm really sorry about that hose thing.
Frank: Oh, no hard feelings. Shirt needed freshening anyway. I haven't washed it since we stopped to take pictures at Smokey-Top, Utah's longest, continuously burning tire fire.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, sorry to interrupt. I didn't know you were with a common worker.
Keifth Banks: Can it be?
Cameron: Hmm?
Keifth Banks: Cameron Tucker.
Cameron: Yes. I'm sorry. You are?
Keifth Banks: Keifth.
Cameron: Keifth. I-I don't believe I know...

Quote from Frank

Frank: It's like I said in my wedding toast that bride of yours is fearless.
Phil: Yeah. Funny thing is, we went to an amusement park earlier today and she was too scared to get on this one ride. Or she pretended to be so that I wouldn't have to admit how scared I was. I have a hunch that she's not the only one who's trying to protect my feelings today.
Frank: You seem to be rambling, son.
Phil: When you hugged Claire earlier, she felt a ring box in your pocket.
Frank: What? That wasn't a ring box. It was... Where am I? I'm so old and confused.

Quote from Phil

Frank: Son, can we please not do this?
Phil: Fine. Knock, knock.
Frank: That's more like it. Who's there?
Phil: Your son.
Frank: Your son, who?
Phil: Your son who'd hate to think you threw away a shot at happiness just to protect his feelings.

Quote from Alex

Haley: Here it is. All here. Just take it from me.
Alex: That's the most stress I've ever felt, and I spent two weeks underground as part of an isolation study.

Quote from Phil

[Peacock squawks]
Haley: Oh, my God! Look!
Gloria: What?
Keifth Banks: Cast your spell, nature's kaleidoscope!
Haley: Why is there a blue turkey going into the house?
Alex: It's a peacock.
Phil: It's really plowing through the Cheez-Its.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, we forgot to put the apple the new pig's mouth.
Keifth Banks: Oh, just leave it.
Cameron: Now that's your answer to everything, isn't it?
Keifth Banks: I deserve that. I was a fool to think I could get through this without you bringing up the way I left.
Cameron: Well, you broke my heart.
Keifth Banks: I didn't mean to hurt you, Cameron. I just had to protect myself. When we first met, you were just pure, raw potential. Your Missouri twang. The innocent way your shirt cuffs were no different than your sleeves. Once you emerged from your country cocoon, I knew it was just a matter of time before you realized you could do better and moved on.
Cameron: But you never even said goodbye. For all these years, I-I thought it was my fault.
Keifth Banks: Oh, no. No. I was a coward. I just ran away to join another circus.
Mitchell: I suppose you could say the the one ring you never mastered was the ring of life.
Keifth Banks: Well, that's kind of mean, but sure.

Quote from Cameron

Keifth Banks: And look at your beautiful home. Oh, it's- You've blossomed into the success I always knew you'd be.
Cameron: Correct.
Keifth Banks: I did so enjoy our time together, Cameron. Remember that split week between Lansing and Kalamazoo?
Cameron: Oh, my gosh, how could I forget? The rain dripping on the canvas. Me sneaking into your wagon after curfew.
Keifth Banks: I believe that was the first time you saw me without my top hat.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, wounds healed, whole new perspective, off you go.
Keifth Banks: Goodbye, Cameron.
Cameron: Goodbye, Keifth.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [to Alex] I'm just gonna need you to spit into this napkin. [to Mitchell] EpiPen is on the way.
Mitchell: Just keep the card.


 Episode 809 Episode 811