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35Quotes from ‘Clean for a Day’

Modern Family: Clean for a Day

712. Clean for a Day

Aired February 10, 2016

Before she starts her new job as president of Jay's closet company, Claire decides it's time for the family to declutter their house. Unfortunately, Luke and Phil are reluctant to part with anything, while Alex finds a memento from her relationship with Sanjay. Meanwhile, Jay takes up a new hobby as his retirement begins, while Gloria takes a golf lesson so she can spend more time with him.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: Cam. Why are you calling Jay?
Cameron: Am I? I-I thought I was calling the gardener. I forgot to leave the gate open, so I should probably go let him in. It'd be cruel to make Caesar climb another big fence.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Stay with us, Gus. Oh, my god. Those cheekbones. You look like J.F.K. Jr. He looks like J.F.K. Jr.!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Where the hell is Clutterworth?
Luke: On skid row giving our memories to hobos.
Haley: She threw out all my old Vogues. If I don't know the past, I'm doomed to re-wear it.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Have you gotten rid of anything today?
Phil: Yeah, all that.
Claire: That's one sock.
Phil: Oh, my goodness. What in the world were we thinking? [with sock puppet] Hey, gorgeous! Gimme a kiss!
Claire: I do not want Luke's dirty sock anywhere near my mouth.
Luke: It's seen worse.
Phil: No. Oh, no.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Look, everybody learns in different ways. My intellectual approach just wasn't right for Gloria, and it probably wasn't right for Lily. It- It's humbling to admit, but I'm just too smart to teach.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Why do I still have to come to these family meetings? I'm an adult.
Alex: She said, emerging from the basement in her pajamas at noon.
Haley: Get off my back. It's Saturday. Right?
Phil: Yeah.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [aside to camera] I created Mrs. Clutterworth when the kids were little as a way to make home organizing fun.
Phil: So fun. Super fun. Maybe a little confusing.
Claire: Why?
Phil: Well, the name is clearly inspired by Mrs. Butterworth, right?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: Yeah. But somehow she has a British accent.
Claire: Yeah, well, the kids were super into Mary Poppins back then.
Phil: Still missing a step.

Quote from Claire

Claire: We're doing this. [singing in a British accent] Or, more to the point, if there's something that you have and you never, ever use it put it in the bin lose it, lose it, lose it
Haley: Oh, I think you've lost it, lost it, lost it.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: I'm not going golfing. I'm taking my first flying lessons today. I always dreamed of being a pilot.
Cameron: Oh, Jay, that's fantastic, and I- I totally get it. I had a crush on the pilot who flew the crop duster back home. He had big, broad shoulders and a deep, husky voice that, in retrospect, could have been pesticide-related.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I don't know if Gloria's dreams can predict the future like mine can, but I do know that if something happened to Jay I couldn't live with myself. Of course, I wouldn't have to, because Gloria would kill me.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: You're not gonna want to get in that plane. Gloria had a terrible dream where you fell from a great height and died.
Jay: All right, Gus. Up, up, and away.
Cameron: No, Jay, she seemed pretty upset, and if something were to happen-
Jay: She's always dreaming about me dying. Dede did the same thing. It's typical wife stuff.

Quote from Manny

Joe: Mommy, it sounds like those raccoons are fighting again.
Lily: Fine, I'll stop.
Manny: Hey, what does he know about art? You've seen his drawings. He thinks Jay is shorter than a flower.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Honey, we don't want to give this stuff away. We like it. It's important to us.
Claire: How can it be important to you? You didn't even know it existed until I told you to go through the closet and find it.
Phil: That is beside the point! All of this stuff is packed with meaning!
Claire: Really, Phil? What does this cheap snow globe mean to you?
Phil: We got that at a gas station in Florida.
Claire: The snowman's melted.
Phil: It used to just be funny, but now it's also a poignant statement on global warming.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I don't know what I'm doing.
Cameron: Well, put it on autopilot. Put it on autopilot!
Jay: There is no autopilot. This is a lawnmower with wings.

Quote from Alex

Sanjay: If I could go back in time, which the laws of physics don't disallow, I never would have hurt you.
Alex: Well, if you believe in the multi-verse, there currently exists a bubble of space-time where you didn't.
I wish we were there.
Haley: Oh, my god. Is this geek foreplay? 'Cause I don't understand any of this.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Oh, my god. It's all our old stuff.
Alex: Ah! My first bike!
Luke: My Van Gogh project!
Haley: My first phone! Yes, I'll hold for Lizzie McGuire.

Quote from Luke

Luke: What is this meeting about? Are the ducks back? 'Cause that was weird.
Phil: They saved us.
Luke: From people thinking we're normal.

Quote from Claire

Phil: Your mom starts her new job running grandpa's closet company on Monday, and you know how she gets when there are big changes.
Claire: [o.s., British accent] Knockity-knock!
Luke: Oh, no. Not-
Phil: Mrs. Clutterworth.
Claire: Who's ready to take everything we don't want and toss it in the bin?
Haley: I am! You get her arms, I'll get her legs.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Take one of these things up to your rooms. Put everything in it you don't use.
Haley: Can't we just do this next weekend, or, like, never?
Claire: No. I am starting my new job and I want to leave things as organized as possible.
Luke: Most people just throw stuff into a closet. As president of a closet company, you should know that.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: I'd like to toast my dad on his first day of retirement. Congratulations on 42 years in the closet... business.
Gloria: I think what I'm going to miss the most is all the closet jokes.
Manny: Traditionally on an occasion this emotionally significant, the man of the hour delivers a few well-chosen words.
Jay: I would just like to say... I'm going golfing.
Mitchell: Dad, don't forget Lily's first flute recital is on Thursday at 3:30.
Jay: I would love to be there, but I'm really swamped at wo- Hell, that snuck up on me.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wait a minute. What is Chickie doing in there?
Claire: It's broken.
Phil: But every year when the kids were little he was the star of Easter! I mean, besides Jesus.

Quote from Claire

Luke: When you squeeze it, it says, "Happy Easter!"
Claire: Now when you squeeze him, he says, "battery acid is leaking inside of me. Let me die!" Later.

Quote from Phil

Luke: She just took my favorite stick. You need to control your woman.
Phil: That is your mother you're talking about... So that's not happening.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Manny, as requested, a few of my favorite clown props.
Mitchell: What's wrong, Manny, you have too many friends?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm more worried about dying from boredom in retirement than from a fiery crash. Now, thanks for your concern. Take your purse and go.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Anyway, bye, Cam.
Cameron: No, you know what? I'm not going anywhere, because in Gloria's dream, I was alive. So if I'm with you, this plane can't go down.
Jay: You think you being on this small plane makes it less likely to crash?
Cameron: Please don't do this to me in front of Gus, okay?

Quote from Haley

Alex: God, I was really into trolls.
Haley: Yeah, especially your junior prom date with the baby teeth.

Quote from Alex

Haley: He cheated on you. You need to get over this guy and move on with your life.
Alex: I am so over him.
Haley: So why are you sniffing that?
Alex: I'm just smelling how stupid he smells. Oh, my god. Okay, fine. You're right. I need closure. I saw on Instagram he's home for the weekend.
Haley: So you take his stupid hoodie and his clunky shoes and you go over there and throw them in his dumb face.
Alex: Those are my shoes.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: I don't know what is happening. I keep coaching her and coaching her, and she's just getting worse.
Manny: You know what? I'll give her a few tips. My flute of choice has always been the pan, but I suppose I could dumb it down.

Quote from Gloria

Mitchell: This is a nightmare.
Gloria: Yes. She's terrible. But the nightmare is seeing your husband plunging to his death and having people think that you did it for the life insurance payout.
Mitchell: That's a new detail.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Gloria, dreams don't predict the future. They're windows into the subconscious. Maybe falling from a great height is about my dad retiring.
Gloria: You think?
Mitchell: Yeah, it could be. He's no longer a big shot in the closet industry, which is apparently a thing. Maybe you're afraid that the two of you are growing apart.
Gloria: It's happening already. Today we could have done all sorts of fun things together and he decided to go golfing! We could have gone to dance classes, the arboretum, the art gallery!
Mitchell: You're kind of swimming upstream with those. Look. If- If you want him to do the things that you love, you may have to learn to do the things that he loves.
Gloria: Like what? Golf?
Mitchell: Yeah. Or marry Cam. He loves all that gay stuff you want to do.

Quote from Claire

Chickie: Happy Easter! Happy Easter!
Claire: Chickie?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: The minute I heard that voice, all the memories came flooding back: hiding eggs in the backyard, the girls in their dresses, Luke in his little blazer, Phil in his bunny suit.

Quote from Haley

Haley: Be strong. I'm proud of you.
Alex: Thanks.
Haley: You know, a lot of girls would have tried to look sexy to show him what he's missing.
Alex: Is there more to that?
Haley: No, just trying to figure you out.

Quote from Haley

Alex: Hey, party people.
Haley: Why are you so happy?
Alex: Went over to Sanjay's, got a little closure.
Haley: Yeah? Well, some of your clothes are on inside out.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I couldn't save Chickie. And think about all the others I didn't save: Malibu Barbie, Pink Bunny Pillow, Stretch Armstrong.
Phil: Wait. You threw away my Stretch Armstrong?
Claire: Yes. It's gone. They are all gone. Years of stress cleaning has eradicated a lifetime of precious memories.
Phil: Well, what if it hasn't?
Alex: Are you suggesting an alternate universe that parallels reality?
Phil: I'm suggesting a storage unit that parallels the freeway.


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