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41Quotes from ‘Three Dinners’

Modern Family: Three Dinners

513. Three Dinners

Aired January 22, 2014

Phil and Claire take Haley out to dinner to try strike up a conversation about her future. Jay reacts poorly when his friend Short announces he's moving to Costa Rica. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron want to reconnect over a romantic dinner, agreeing to avoid discussing Lily or their wedding plans.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] When Mitchell was born, he was a month premature. So it was touch and go there for a while. It's 2:00 AM. I walk out into the hospital waiting room to get some air, and there's Shorty. He'd been sitting there for six hours and refused to leave for the next two days. That's where we got Mitchell's middle name. Not Shorty, Vincent. "MVP". We were a little premature on that one, too.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell and I desperately need a romantic night out to reconnect.
Mitchell: Yeah. I don't- I don't know if it's the stress of planning a wedding, but we've been a little tense with each other lately, huh?
Cameron: Even our friend J'Marcus said how bitchy we've been.
Mitchell: What? When did he say that?
Cameron: Oh, at Pepper's party that night you wore those pants that don't fit you anymore.
Mitchell: Oh, right. And you brought that bad wine that everybody hated.
Cameron: See? We really need this.
Mitchell: We really do.

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: You're calling me a cheater? You? The guy on the golf course who can't seem to count higher than 5?
Jay: Maybe I can't keep track of my shots because somebody won't stop talking.
Shorty: It is in my nature to comment on the bizarre and unusual things I see in the world, like that convulsion you call a golf swing.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Look, I have no problem drinking. I can literally do it standing on my head. But, A, not with my parents, and plus, also, I needed to stay sharp, because they were obviously up to something, and I was in no mood. I barely got ten hours sleep last night. [sighs]

Quote from Haley

Haley: So this is what this whole night's about - the drinks, the pretending to be my friend?
Phil: We are your friend.
Claire: Honey, we care about you. And we want to make sure that you- You've got a plan, 'cause it seems like you're meandering. No. Sweetie, don't just start texting because you don't like the conversation.
Haley: Here.
Claire: What is this?
Haley: That's a blog that I've been doing. I'm really liking my photography, and people always say that they like the way that I dress, so I've been posting pictures of my outfits on this site. I know it's not a huge money-maker right now, but I do get money whenever someone clicks on a link and buys something that I wore. I'm gonna take a business class next semester, which I'm hoping will help me turn all of this into becoming a stylist. I have 1,200 followers. Most are women who want to know what to wear. Some are men who want to know what I'm wearing, but, you know, I'm trying to figure a way to block all of the pervs. So, yeah. I guess that is my plan.

Quote from Haley

Haley: No, you guys sit here acting like we're drinking buddies, judging me, when I have a better handle on my future than either one of you did at my age. You? You wanted to be a magician. And you were changing your major every three minutes, according to grandpa - who, by the way, has been drinking with me for years because he loves me, and he thinks I say funny things when I'm buzzed.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, apparently, the situation in Syria is worsening.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: In fact, now UN evidence suggests that Assad was-
Mitchell: Are you reading this off your phone?
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: You're-
Cameron: No! No! I was just making sure my facts were straight before I started a spirited conversation of current events.

Quote from Cameron

Brandon: Uh, Katie loves sharing food.
Cameron: Me, too. You know, I think it's growing up in a big family, 'cause everything at suppertime on the table was up for grabs. We didn't say grace. We said, "On your marks, get set, go."
Katie: You sound exactly like my dad. He was from this really big family in Missouri, and-
Cameron: Shut up! I'm a Missouri farm boy, myself!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'm Cam.
Katie: [in a rustic accent] Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam. This is Brandon.
Brandon: Hi. She doesn't really talk like that.
Mitchell: Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent like Kate Winslet in "Titanic". [chuckles] Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way.

Quote from Jay

Manny: What she's saying is, deep down, you're afraid Shorty's going to love Costa Rica, and you'll lose your best friend forever.
Gloria: That's what you do. You push people away, so when they leave, it doesn't hurt that much.
Manny: I don't get it. You're the greatest generation, but why can't you feel?
Jay: Why can't you spend your teen years locked in your bedroom like a normal kid?

Quote from Phil

Brian: Hi, there. I'll be your server for tonight. My name is Brian if you guys need anything.
Phil: What's your name if we don't need anything?
Brian: Patricia.
Phil: You're quick, Patricia!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh?
Phil: I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me. I mean I want his lips on my mouth.
Haley: Uh, can we just cut to the chase?
Phil: He's got great lips.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Is this what you're gonna do with your life, sleep late and take a selfie?!
Haley: Why are you always criticizing me?! Is this really how you want to start the day?!
Claire: My day started 5 hours ago.
Haley: I am under a lot of pressure!
Claire: How?! How?! You take three classes a week, and you miss half of them!
Haley: The parking is tricky!
Phil: Morning, sunshine. I saved you some lunch.
Haley: I get it, okay?! I'm lazy! God! [takes another selfie]

Quote from Gloria

Shorty: You know what drives me crazy? Getting these customer-satisfaction calls during dinner. They change the oil on your car, they want a love letter!
Jay: I know. I'm waiting for a call from my doctor's office, "Please rate your prostate exam. Would you say you were satisfied?"
Gloria: I hope you weren't.
Jay: "I hope you weren't."

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Jay: I think it's great. No, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm surprised, that's all. Let's toast this amazing new chapter of your lives. To mosquitoes the size of your fist.
Gloria: This is why all your friends move away.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: To us, alone at last.
Cameron: We both look very handsome tonight.
Mitchell: You know, if you- Iif you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Cameron: I couldn't take that chance. I wanted to get off on the right foot.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Remember our rules: no wedding talk, no Lily talk.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. No, you're right.
Cameron: So, just gonna... [silence] Should we hear the specials again?
Mitchell: We can't ask him a third time.

Quote from Jay

Shorty: You know what I might try when I'm down there? Surfing.
Jay: So it's gonna be a closed casket. My turn.
Shorty: What are you talking about? I just sunk the 3 ball.
Jay: Then you moved the cue ball with your stick while you were telling me how you were gonna move away from Southern California to try surfing.

Quote from Jay

Jay: You know what? I'm done here.
Shorty: No, I'm done. I will not have my integrity questioned here. I was a Marine. I served with guys who died.
Jay: Of old age! You never left the States!
Shorty: Are you saying I didn't serve my country?
Jay: Which one, America or Costa Rica?

Quote from Jay

Shorty: What's with you and Costa Rica?!
Jay: It's a terrible idea! You get into things without thinking, and you need to be rescued, like that time you bought that car that was supposed to turn into a boat! It turned into a reef!
Shorty: Yeah? That's 'cause you left your door cracked open!
Jay: Yes, it was my fault. Mark my words, Costa Rica is another amphibicar at the bottom of a lake.

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: Thank you, Gloria. That was a lovely dinner. And you are an incredible woman for putting up with this gringo!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, Brian, you're a young guy. Wha- wha- What do you want to do after this? What's your plan?
Brian: Yeah. Uh, to be perfectly honest, I'm probably gonna go home, watch a movie, and get high.
Phil: Oh.
Brian: You guys looking for something to do?
Claire: No. No.
Phil: No.
Brian: I mean, I think I got extra.

Quote from Jay

Manny: See? Now he's doing it to me. Uh, you have to face it, Jay. One day, I'll be moving out of this house.
Jay: Can I get that in writing? 'Cause I just can't shake this image of a 30-year-old you eating my food and cuddling with my wife.
Gloria: Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers.
Jay: I'm gonna have nightmares!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You pretend to be so tough. But you know what I think? I think that deep down, you're the most sensitive person in this house.
Jay: Pbht.
Gloria: Hmph. See? You did it again. I say something that strikes a nerve, and immediately, you cannot handle it. That's why you "Pbht" in my face!
Jay: We just found the one thing you can't make sexy.
Manny: There it is again.
Jay: I need a drink.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, you have to make this right with Shorty. You have to tell him how you feel! He has been a great compadre with you for many years. Besides, who else is going to laugh at your jokes?
Jay: Lots of people laugh at my jokes.
Manny: Name one person that doesn't work for you.
Jay: Hey, you know what? Why don't you two just go cuddle?

Quote from Claire

Claire: Do you remember how cute she was when she was little and she couldn't say her P's?
Phil: "Bake a-tatoes."
Claire: "Bake a-tatoes." And "Attlesauce."
Phil: "Attlesauce"!
Claire: "Can I have attlesauce?"
Haley: First of all, you're screaming. Can we just get the check, please?

Quote from Pepper

Phil: You guys are gone. We get an RV. Bam! Me, mama and our dog, Merlin, hit the open road.
Claire: No. I am not spending my golden years driving around an RV park, looking for a place to plug my house in. No. I am gonna go see the world.
Phil: Where do you wanna go?
Claire: I don't know, Phil. India. Africa.
Phil: Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Wow. It sounds like you guys really need to start thinking about your future.
Phil: Are you just gonna put Merlin in a kennel when we're gone?
Claire: Okay, Phil, Merlin doesn't exist. And why do you want to get a dog to take care of so soon after the kids leave?
Phil: Well, I'm gonna need someone to love me, Claire.

Quote from Haley

Haley: And in the meantime, Mom, grandpa wants you to take over the business, but do you want that?
Claire: I-I guess I hadn't thought this far into the future.
Haley: And, Dad, are you just gonna keep selling houses? I mean, I don't want to blow your mind here, but you could still be a magician.
Phil: I could.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Oh, no. I left my wallet in the other coat.
Claire: I did not bring my purse.
Haley: It's fine, guys. I got this.
Phil: Honey, thank you.
Claire: Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Haley: I should probably drive, too, huh?

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Y-you know, for the record, we do have a lot to talk about.
Mitchell: Yeah, we just took a couple of topics off the table because we wanted to have a romantic date night.
Cameron: And it probably put too much pressure on it to be special, but the truth is, every day I spend with this man is special.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam! Oh, no, I'm the lucky one.

Quote from Cameron

Katie: Are you guys married?
Mitchell: Oh, this May. But, basically, we've been married for years.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: I-I mean, is Cam everything that I dreamed of?
Cameron: Tread lightly, counselor.
Mitchell: Yes. Yes, he is. Because through all the compromises and negotiations and arguments and sometimes even boredom, I cannot picture my life without him.
Cameron: That's very sweet. I would've scooted past the boredom, but...

Quote from Cameron

Brandon: This is the worst night of my life.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. But, I mean, um, a-at least now it's over. You can start to move on.
Katie: [on Cam's phone] I've been trying to picture my life without you. And you know what?
Cameron: S-stupid phone. It's a devil phone.

Quote from Sal

Jay: I was just coming to see you.
Shorty: Um, I left my jacket.
Jay: Oh! There it is! Come on in. Uh, Shorty, you know that stuff I said, uh-
Shorty: Yeah, I get it.
Jay: We're good, huh?
Shorty: Under the bridge. All right. I'll see you.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Shorty, wait. I need to say something to you.
Shorty: Yeah.
Jay: I want to thank you for all the great times we've had.
Shorty: Yeah. We, um... We had a lot of laughs.
Jay: Yeah. And you should know that, uh, you're my best friend. You know? Probably the best friend I'm ever gonna have.
Shorty: Jay, I mean, what are you doing to me?
Jay: This is hard for me. I'm just- I'm just trying to tell you how I feel.
Shorty: Well, I'm gonna tell you how I feel. I admire the hell out of you, Jay. I always tell Darlene, "That's a real guy." Self-made, stand-up, the kind of guy you want to be in a foxhole with.
Jay: Well, I'm not all that.
Shorty: Well, it's not like I've been in a foxhole.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm gonna miss you, Vincent.
Shorty: I'm gonna miss you, too.
Jay: I love you.
Shorty: I love you, too, Jay Bird.
Jay: I really, really do.
Shorty: You call me, okay?
Jay: Every day. Every damn day.
Gloria: If I'm being honest, this is a little girlier than I thought.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: You know what? She did you a favor.
Cameron: Absolutely.
Mitchell: You can do so much better.
Cameron: Oh, my God. Insanely better.
Mitchell: No, he's not kidding. Brandon, you are seriously gorge! If you ask me, she got the better end of the deal.
Brandon: You really think so?
Both: Yes!
Mitchell: And the whole fake blond thing? I don't know. It was kind of trampy.
Cameron: And truth be told, she didn't seem that bright.
Mitchell: And is she older than you? Because she looked significantly older than you.
Cameron: Trust us.
Both: This is the best thing that's ever happened to you.
Katie: Oh! Thank God you're still here! I was on my way home and all of a sudden, I started crying. And I realized I was just scared. And I love you and I'm so, so sorry. And yes, Brandon, if you'll still have me, yes, I will marry you!
Cameron: Okay. Well, good luck. Yeah.
Mitchell: So nice meeting you.

Quote from Claire

Haley: No, no, no, no, no. What are we doing here? What is this about?
Claire: Nothing! We just wanted to have a fun night out with our daughter.
Phil: Yeah! Just think of us as your friends.
Claire: Yeah!
Haley: I don't have 45-year-old friends.
Claire: Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents yet, either, honey, so calm down.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Haley has no plan for her future whatsoever. She's living in our basement, taking community-college classes, and, well, meandering.
Phil: So we're gonna take her out. We'll have some fun.
Claire: And then gently ease her into a friendly conversation about her future.
Phil: As opposed to the approach that we've taken in the past.

Quote from Shorty

Darlene: We're moving to Costa Rica!
Shorty: Yeah!
Jay: What?!
Gloria: When?
Shorty: In a couple of weeks. The cost of living is so low down there, you know? We found this beautiful place on the water. It's got its own private beach. Bathing suits are optional.
Darlene: But encouraged. [points to Shorty]

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Ay, I'm going to miss you guys.
Jay: Don't worry about it. I give it three months, tops. You hate the beach. And you know how humid it is down there?
Shorty: I love the steam room at the club. It's the same thing, except I don't have to see you sitting there like a pile of melted ice cream.
Jay: 'Cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel.
Shorty: I'm just ready for an adventure. I want to try something new.
Jay: Stick around here. Pick up a check every now and then.


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