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‘Three Dinners’ Quotes

Modern Family: Three Dinners

513. Three Dinners

Aired January 22, 2014

Phil and Claire take Haley out to dinner to try strike up a conversation about her future. Jay reacts poorly when his friend Short announces he's moving to Costa Rica. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron want to reconnect over a romantic dinner, agreeing to avoid discussing Lily or their wedding plans.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] When Mitchell was born, he was a month premature. So it was touch and go there for a while. It's 2:00 AM. I walk out into the hospital waiting room to get some air, and there's Shorty. He'd been sitting there for six hours and refused to leave for the next two days. That's where we got Mitchell's middle name. Not Shorty, Vincent. "MVP". We were a little premature on that one, too.

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Quote from Phil

Brian: Hi, there. I'll be your server for tonight. My name is Brian if you guys need anything.
Phil: What's your name if we don't need anything?
Brian: Patricia.
Phil: You're quick, Patricia!

Quote from Phil

Claire: Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh?
Phil: I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me. I mean I want his lips on my mouth.
Haley: Uh, can we just cut to the chase?
Phil: He's got great lips.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Is this what you're gonna do with your life, sleep late and take a selfie?!
Haley: Why are you always criticizing me?! Is this really how you want to start the day?!
Claire: My day started 5 hours ago.
Haley: I am under a lot of pressure!
Claire: How?! How?! You take three classes a week, and you miss half of them!
Haley: The parking is tricky!
Phil: Morning, sunshine. I saved you some lunch.
Haley: I get it, okay?! I'm lazy! God! [takes another selfie]

Quote from Gloria

Shorty: You know what drives me crazy? Getting these customer-satisfaction calls during dinner. They change the oil on your car, they want a love letter!
Jay: I know. I'm waiting for a call from my doctor's office, "Please rate your prostate exam. Would you say you were satisfied?"
Gloria: I hope you weren't.
Jay: "I hope you weren't."

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell and I desperately need a romantic night out to reconnect.
Mitchell: Yeah. I don't- I don't know if it's the stress of planning a wedding, but we've been a little tense with each other lately, huh?
Cameron: Even our friend J'Marcus said how bitchy we've been.
Mitchell: What? When did he say that?
Cameron: Oh, at Pepper's party that night you wore those pants that don't fit you anymore.
Mitchell: Oh, right. And you brought that bad wine that everybody hated.
Cameron: See? We really need this.
Mitchell: We really do.

Quote from Shorty

Shorty: You're calling me a cheater? You? The guy on the golf course who can't seem to count higher than 5?
Jay: Maybe I can't keep track of my shots because somebody won't stop talking.
Shorty: It is in my nature to comment on the bizarre and unusual things I see in the world, like that convulsion you call a golf swing.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Look, I have no problem drinking. I can literally do it standing on my head. But, A, not with my parents, and plus, also, I needed to stay sharp, because they were obviously up to something, and I was in no mood. I barely got ten hours sleep last night. [sighs]

Quote from Haley

Haley: So this is what this whole night's about - the drinks, the pretending to be my friend?
Phil: We are your friend.
Claire: Honey, we care about you. And we want to make sure that you- You've got a plan, 'cause it seems like you're meandering. No. Sweetie, don't just start texting because you don't like the conversation.
Haley: Here.
Claire: What is this?
Haley: That's a blog that I've been doing. I'm really liking my photography, and people always say that they like the way that I dress, so I've been posting pictures of my outfits on this site. I know it's not a huge money-maker right now, but I do get money whenever someone clicks on a link and buys something that I wore. I'm gonna take a business class next semester, which I'm hoping will help me turn all of this into becoming a stylist. I have 1,200 followers. Most are women who want to know what to wear. Some are men who want to know what I'm wearing, but, you know, I'm trying to figure a way to block all of the pervs. So, yeah. I guess that is my plan.

Quote from Haley

Haley: No, you guys sit here acting like we're drinking buddies, judging me, when I have a better handle on my future than either one of you did at my age. You? You wanted to be a magician. And you were changing your major every three minutes, according to grandpa - who, by the way, has been drinking with me for years because he loves me, and he thinks I say funny things when I'm buzzed.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, apparently, the situation in Syria is worsening.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: In fact, now UN evidence suggests that Assad was-
Mitchell: Are you reading this off your phone?
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: You're-
Cameron: No! No! I was just making sure my facts were straight before I started a spirited conversation of current events.

Quote from Cameron

Brandon: Uh, Katie loves sharing food.
Cameron: Me, too. You know, I think it's growing up in a big family, 'cause everything at suppertime on the table was up for grabs. We didn't say grace. We said, "On your marks, get set, go."
Katie: You sound exactly like my dad. He was from this really big family in Missouri, and-
Cameron: Shut up! I'm a Missouri farm boy, myself!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: I'm Cam.
Katie: [in a rustic accent] Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam. This is Brandon.
Brandon: Hi. She doesn't really talk like that.
Mitchell: Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent like Kate Winslet in "Titanic". [chuckles] Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way.

Quote from Jay

Manny: What she's saying is, deep down, you're afraid Shorty's going to love Costa Rica, and you'll lose your best friend forever.
Gloria: That's what you do. You push people away, so when they leave, it doesn't hurt that much.
Manny: I don't get it. You're the greatest generation, but why can't you feel?
Jay: Why can't you spend your teen years locked in your bedroom like a normal kid?


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