Claire: [aside to camera] Thirty years ago, my dad was in a local ad for Pritchett's Closets and he has always been really proud of the slogan he came up with. ... I've never understood what it means.
[flashback:]
Announcer: Pritchett's Closets. Choose one of our nine luxurious models like the Monte Carlo. Or how about a custom design using our state of the art technology? Come visit Pritchett's and go home with the closet of your dreams.
Jay: Closet? You'll love it!

Claire: All right, Dad, we're ready for you. Just give us five minutes.
Jay: Seems like a waste of time, but go ahead.
[montage:]
Claire: Closet, but no cigar.
Haley: Why? Because we closet.
Cameron: I'll have what she's closet.
Luke: [as Forrest Gump] Mama always said "Life is like a box of closets."
Manny: On your mark, get set, closet.
Phil: Let's get ready to closet!
Gloria: [imitating Scarface] Say hello to my little closet.
Jay: Damn it. They're all good.

Jay: What are you doing?
Gloria: I am gathering every Binky that is in this house because from today on Joe is going cold turkey. Okay, Joe. Have your last puff if you want.
Jay: I'm trying to watch something.
Gloria: Okay, you can keep crying all you want. I can't hear anything. Try growing up in Colombia. My Binky was a spark plug.

Jay: So if I get "Grumpa," what do they call Phil's dad?
Claire: You know, just "Funpa."
Jay: That mound of human Silly String gets "Funpa"?

Cameron: Okay, Lily. Ballet at 11:00, then a playdate then karate class at 3:00, so why don't you go get your uniform? Chop-chop!
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What? She's in karate. It's not offensive.

Cameron: Okay, are you accusing me of over scheduling our tone-deaf daughter so she's so tired she misses the talent show and doesn't humiliate herself?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Lily has no talent.
Mitchell: Because she's seven. No one has talent at seven.
Cameron: I did. Tons of it. Sheepshearing, cornhusking, hay baling. It was hard for me to pick just one to showcase at my first Little Prince Pageant. In the end, I went with waltzing.
Mitchell: You waltzed at seven?
Cameron: Barely. My partner had two left hooves.

Claire: Luke, how could you forget your bathing suit? You came over here to swim.
Phil: It's all right, honey. He can wear mine. I'll borrow from Jay. You have a favorite I should keep my hands off of, Jay?
Jay: That ship sailed about 20 years ago.
Phil: Ha, ha! Zinger!

Jay: The entire town went nuts for that ad. People stopped me in the street, asking me to say the slogan.
Claire: Are you sure they weren't asking you to explain it?
Jay: What's to explain? Instead of, "Like it? You'll love it," you use the word "closet."
Claire: Then why not, "Like it? You'll closet!"?
Jay: That makes no sense.

Jay: Look, I know it was rough on you and Mitch having a famous dad you know, getting your picture taken in restaurants.
Claire: That happened one time, Dad, only because we were eating with Ralph Berman, Garage Door Opener King.
Jay: Hey, he was eating with us!

Gloria: Ay, no! The plane! The plane! It's always spying on me! Go away, or I'm gonna call the policeman!
Phil: Wow. Don't even waste your time, Gloria. Johnny Law's got no chance with that baby. You're looking at a Freeling Cloudgazer with aftermarket frequency scrambler. Untraceable. As you can guess, I'm a droner myself.
Gloria: Yes, you're droning right now.