Previous Episode Next Episode 

33Quotes from ‘Closet? You'll Love It!’

Modern Family: Closet? You'll Love It!

617. Closet? You'll Love It!

Aired March 4, 2015

Jay and Claire have creative differences when they shoot a commercial for Pritchett Closets. Phil, Luke and Manny try to protect Gloria from an aerial peeping-Tom. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchell disagree over whether Lily should perform in the school talent show.

Quote from Jay

Claire: [aside to camera] Thirty years ago, my dad was in a local ad for Pritchett's Closets and he has always been really proud of the slogan he came up with. ... I've never understood what it means.
[flashback:]
Announcer: Pritchett's Closets. Choose one of our nine luxurious models like the Monte Carlo. Or how about a custom design using our state of the art technology? Come visit Pritchett's and go home with the closet of your dreams.
Jay: Closet? You'll love it!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, Lily. Ballet at 11:00, then a playdate then karate class at 3:00, so why don't you go get your uniform? Chop-chop!
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: What? She's in karate. It's not offensive.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, are you accusing me of over scheduling our tone-deaf daughter so she's so tired she misses the talent show and doesn't humiliate herself?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Lily has no talent.
Mitchell: Because she's seven. No one has talent at seven.
Cameron: I did. Tons of it. Sheepshearing, cornhusking, hay baling. It was hard for me to pick just one to showcase at my first Little Prince Pageant. In the end, I went with waltzing.
Mitchell: You waltzed at seven?
Cameron: Barely. My partner had two left hooves.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: What are you doing?
Gloria: I am gathering every Binky that is in this house because from today on Joe is going cold turkey. Okay, Joe. Have your last puff if you want.
Jay: I'm trying to watch something.
Gloria: Okay, you can keep crying all you want. I can't hear anything. Try growing up in Colombia. My Binky was a spark plug.

Quote from Jay

Claire: Luke, how could you forget your bathing suit? You came over here to swim.
Phil: It's all right, honey. He can wear mine. I'll borrow from Jay. You have a favorite I should keep my hands off of, Jay?
Jay: That ship sailed about 20 years ago.
Phil: Ha, ha! Zinger!

Quote from Jay

Jay: The entire town went nuts for that ad. People stopped me in the street, asking me to say the slogan.
Claire: Are you sure they weren't asking you to explain it?
Jay: What's to explain? Instead of, "Like it? You'll love it," you use the word "closet."
Claire: Then why not, "Like it? You'll closet!"?
Jay: That makes no sense.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Look, I know it was rough on you and Mitch having a famous dad you know, getting your picture taken in restaurants.
Claire: That happened one time, Dad, only because we were eating with Ralph Berman, Garage Door Opener King.
Jay: Hey, he was eating with us!

Quote from Phil

Gloria: Ay, no! The plane! The plane! It's always spying on me! Go away, or I'm gonna call the policeman!
Phil: Wow. Don't even waste your time, Gloria. Johnny Law's got no chance with that baby. You're looking at a Freeling Cloudgazer with aftermarket frequency scrambler. Untraceable. As you can guess, I'm a droner myself.
Gloria: Yes, you're droning right now.

Quote from Luke

Manny: And just like that, it disappears.
Luke: In his defense, the water's really cold.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh! You're still rehearsing.
Cameron: We sure are, and we found a more appropriate song for Lily's singing voice.
Mitchell: Really? Well, I'd love to hear it.
Cameron: Okay. [playing keyboard and singing] Everybody was kung fu fighting-
Lily: Hyah! Hyah!
Cameron: Those kicks were fast as lightning
Lily: Hyah! Hyah!
Cameron: In fact, it was a little bit frightening-
Mitchell: Okay, stop, stop, stop.

Quote from Haley

Haley: What is his deal?
Gloria: I took his pacifier hours ago, and he's still crying. He's being such a baby.
Haley: Maybe he's not ready to give them up.
Gloria: No, I promised my mother that he wouldn't use it anymore. Her uncle used it until he was four, and now he's in jail.
Haley: I feel like a lot of your family stories end that way. I'm gonna put on a bathing suit.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Dad, you might want to see this.
Phil: He put us on YouTube?
Luke: He called it "Drone One, Idiots Zero." It has 32,000 views.
Phil: We have to strike back. That drone just messed with the wrong idiot.

Quote from Claire

Jay: What do you mean, how I am? Is that what people think of me, that I'm some big grump?
Claire: Dad, that cannot be a big shock. The kids call you "Grumpa."
Jay: Since when?
Claire: Not to your face? Cowards.

Quote from Jay

Jay: So if I get "Grumpa," what do they call Phil's dad?
Cameron: You know, just "Funpa."
Jay: That mound of human Silly String gets "Funpa"?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Get the hell off the space above my lawn!

Quote from Jay

Claire: All right, Dad, we're ready for you. Just give us five minutes.
Jay: Seems like a waste of time, but go ahead.
[montage:]
Claire: Closet, but no cigar.
Haley: Why? Because we closet.
Cameron: I'll have what she's closet.
Luke: [as Forrest Gump] Mama always said "Life is like a box of closets."
Manny: On your mark, get set, closet.
Phil: Let's get ready to closet!
Gloria: [imitating Scarface] Say hello to my little closet.
Jay: Damn it. They're all good.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: [all singing] No, that's not even a note I feel like you're doing it on purpose.
Mitchell: That seems a little bit sharp.
Cameron: I'm never sharp I'm pitch-perfect.
Mitchell: I'm talking about your tone toward our daughter.
Lily: I can understand you even when you're singing.

Quote from Haley

Chase: Sorry. I had to check in at the job. Always something going down at the Hut.
Andy: You work at the Hut? I would guess pizza, but based on your ripply stomach I saw when you helped me get down off the gondola ride, I'm gonna guess Sunglass Hut.
Haley: Yep, Chase picked out these vintagey sunglasses that look like I could've been murdered at a cool house party in the '70s.

Quote from Phil

Manny: Mom, that perv is ogling you again.
Phil: No! I was reading my horoscope. "You will borrow a huge swimsuit today."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Mitchell, I just don't want her to embarrass herself in front of her friends, not to mention the parents.
I can already hear Andrew's condescending "Hmm."
Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. You're still competing with Andrew.
Cameron: He staged a coup, Mitchell. He forced me out of the group I founded. I founded it. The Greensleevers were Southern California's premier holiday chorus and "just the nutmeg we want our Yuletide eggnog dusted with." LA Times, December 23-
Mitchell: I remember.
Cameron: 199-
Mitchell: Oh, I remember. I remember.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Lily is gonna sing whatever she wants - and you're gonna get over this thing with Andrew because a grown man should not have a nemesis. It's ridiculous.
Cameron: You know what's ridiculous? Is being forced to turn in your jingle bells to a man with less vocal range than a teakettle.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Hi, Manny. Please stick Joe in front of the TV. He always calms down when he listens to Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets...

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Andy's in the hospital.
Haley: What? Why?
Gloria: Appendicitis.
Haley: Oh. Is he okay? Maybe I should go down there.
Gloria: This is not good. My second cousin got appendicitis, and now he's in jail. Hmm.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Oh, God. I can't fire my dad.
Ben: I know. It must be hard, but you realize it's the best thing for the company.
Claire: Yes, I do. Okay. Can I count on you to back me up?
Ben: Totally. Come on. We both know your dad is incredible. Did you see him today? He's like George Clooney but older, but better. I - [inhales deeply] thought that was Jay. I'm sorry. Oh, man. I almost fainted. [chuckles] Just gonna put my head between my legs.
Claire: Plenty of room down there.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Turns out recently, Andrew married Simon.
Mitchell: My bitter rival from law school.
Cameron: Or nemesis?

Quote from Mitchell

Simon: So how's work? I'm sure you heard I made partner at Gotshal, Manges, Flom, Arps and LeBoeuf.
Mitchell: Mm-hmm. And I'm actually at the Justice Institute now. So rewarding.
Simon: Oh, I think our firm donated one of our old fax machines to you guys. We better go. We're moving closer because our daughter's about to perform. Yours is from Vietnam, right? We were able to adopt one from Korea. So...
Mitchell: Did he really just end a conversation on "so"?

Quote from Luke

Manny: Hey! That's my bike!
Luke: We're all making sacrifices! I'm wearing a monokini!

Quote from Phil

Luke: He's heading for the river to try and lose us.
Phil: Damn you, Denise at the patent office, for stalling my Aquabike!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Okay, let's just grab her and go. She's up after the next act.
Mitchell: Hey, we're doing the right thing. You can develop deep emotional scars at age seven. I still can't eat-
Cameron: Salt and vinegar chips. Yes, I know. I can't relive this with you right now.

Quote from Claire

Jay: Hey-o! How's my beautiful wife?
Gloria: What happened? Why do you look like that?
Jay: I'm just happy to see you.
Gloria: You look like a crazy person.
Claire: Dad, what are you doing with your face?

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Back from the talent show early. Don't ask why.
Jay: I love it when children have talent.
Mitchell: Why are you smiling like that? Did something happen to Mom?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I watched what we shot today. Yeah, I'm not that cheery, likable celebrity I was 30 years ago. I am an old grump now. When did I turn that corner?
Claire: You haven't. You haven't. I mean, you're creeping up to it. You got your blinker on, but you haven't yet.
Jay: I saw it happen to my dad, you know? One day, a happy-go-lucky rotary drill operator the next he's throwing his Schlitz at the TV 'cause some lady sportscaster came on. I swore I'd never be like that.
Claire: You're not that bad. If you were, why would we all spend all our time over here?
Jay: You just come here for the pool.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Dad, you are a long way from turning into Grandpa. You know, I was with him the first time he saw sushi in the grocery store. He grabbed the price check mike and treated us all to a little lecture on Pearl Harbor. You just have to fight it a little.


 Episode 616 Episode 618