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Schooled

‘Schooled’

Season 4, Episode 2 - Aired October 10, 2012

Phil and Claire are emotional as they drop Haley off at college. Meanwhile, Manny urges Jay and Gloria to take a baby parenting class, and Mitchell and Cameron get in trouble on their first day dropping Lily off at kindergarten.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think.
Cameron: Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight men. Both the same gender.
Cameron: Then you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight women. Both attracted to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? No.
Cameron: Nothing.

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Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
Phil: Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air Bud", Especially when I give her this. "Phil's-osophy." A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, such as "Always look people in the eye, even if they're blind." Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'" or "If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea." Phil's-osophy.

Quote from Phil

[montage of people reading "Phil's-osophy":]
Claire: "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."
Phil: See?
Alex: "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
Jay: "Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail."
Gloria: "You can tell a lot about a person from his biography."
Luke: "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
Manny: "If you love something, set it free, unless it's a tiger."
Mitchell: "If you're ever in jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache."
Phil: "When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, 'what?!'"

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt."

Quote from Phil

Phil: If I could just have everybody's attention, real quick. Um, on this wonderful occasion, our daughter leaving tomorrow for college. If I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers, Jefferson. George Jefferson. "I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, but here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner-"
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Not now, Weezie.

Quote from Cameron

Principal Roth: Okay, let's all take a time-out.
Mitchell: That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated.
Susan: Right? Yeah, Pam, we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You guys go to the Lumberyard, too? D- I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
Pam: Not the bar, Sally.
Susan: Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him "Sally."
Cameron: Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Peppermint Patty.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] "You only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do." [as Julia Child] "Save the giblets."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. All vegetarian, of course.
Pam: Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian?
Cameron: Well, I saw it on "The L Word." I assume they have consultants.
Pam: I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype.
Susan: Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.
Mitchell: Wow!

Quote from Luke

Cameron: And you'll be impressed to know that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64?
Lily: Eight.
Haley: Wow.
Jay: Hey!
Luke: Nice trick. Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato?
Lily: Eight.
Luke: Congratulations. You have a parrot.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Where was I?
Haley: Quoting that president.
Alex: Okay, if she's the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.
Luke: We already are.

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