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49Quotes from ‘Schooled’

Modern Family: Schooled

402. Schooled

Aired October 10, 2012

Phil and Claire are emotional as they drop Haley off at college. Meanwhile, Manny urges Jay and Gloria to take a baby parenting class, and Mitchell and Cameron get in trouble on their first day dropping Lily off at kindergarten.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think.
Cameron: Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight men. Both the same gender.
Cameron: Then you have gay men...
Mitchell: And straight women. Both attracted to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? No.
Cameron: Nothing.

Quote from Phil

[montage of people reading "Phil's-osophy":]
Claire: "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."
Phil: See?
Alex: "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
Jay: "Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail."
Gloria: "You can tell a lot about a person from his biography."
Luke: "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
Manny: "If you love something, set it free, unless it's a tiger."
Mitchell: "If you're ever in jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache."
Phil: "When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, 'what?!'"

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
Phil: Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air Bud", Especially when I give her this. "Phil's-osophy." A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, such as "Always look people in the eye, even if they're blind." Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'" or "If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea." Phil's-osophy.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt."

Quote from Phil

Phil: If I could just have everybody's attention, real quick. Um, on this wonderful occasion, our daughter leaving tomorrow for college. If I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers, Jefferson. George Jefferson. "I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, but here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner-"
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Not now, Weezie.

Quote from Cameron

Principal Roth: Okay, let's all take a time-out.
Mitchell: That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated.
Susan: Right? Yeah, Pam, we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You guys go to the Lumberyard, too? D- I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
Pam: Not the bar, Sally.
Susan: Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him "Sally."
Cameron: Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Peppermint Patty.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] "You only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do." [as Julia Child] "Save the giblets."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. All vegetarian, of course.
Pam: Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian?
Cameron: Well, I saw it on "The L Word." I assume they have consultants.
Pam: I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype.
Susan: Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.
Mitchell: Wow!

Quote from Luke

Phil: Where was I?
Haley: Quoting that president.
Alex: Okay, if she's the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.
Luke: We already are.

Quote from Mitchell

Principal Roth: Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.
Cameron: I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The Hunger Games"?
Principal Roth: I'm speaking of your behavior. We've never had an incident like this, and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time. What the fudge were you thinking? Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, they're mad as Hello Kitty.
Mitchell: Oh, you told his parents on us? That is- That is so not cool.
Cameron: Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding.
Pam: All right, whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms.
Mitchell & Cameron: Lesbians.

Quote from Phil

Haley: I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.
Jorie: Are those your My Little Pony Sheets?
Haley: What? No!
Claire: Oh. I ordered them online. They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.
Phil: That's what was in the box.
[Phil knocks over the box, dumping the condoms on the floor]
Phil: Oh. Okay. Uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor. Those are not my condoms. She bought 'em.
Haley: Oh, my God.
Phil: Apparently, that's what people do these days. Buy condoms for their kids. When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms.
Claire: Mm, not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. Am I right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: "The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations."

Quote from Mitchell

Pam: What if something happened to them? What kind of hazards do you keep in there?
Mitchell: Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, our abandoned refrigerator, and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.
Susan: Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
Mitchell: It's my coping mechanism!

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] If you ask me, sometimes we get so hung up on our differences, we forget the one thing we have in common. When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, we're all a little bit nuts.
Pam: You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter.
Cameron: You have boots like my dad.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep or brushed my teeth. It just stayed outside my bedroom window and scared all the strangers away.
Jay: Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: If the baby's different, we'll be different.
Jay: Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. Okay?
Manny: Okay. That is a load off. Although you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.
Gloria: We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late.
Manny: Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.
Jay: Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [v.o.] "Take a lesson from parakeets. If you're ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror." "Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. TM."

Quote from Luke

Cameron: And you'll be impressed to know that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64?
Lily: Eight.
Haley: Wow.
Jay: Hey!
Luke: Nice trick. Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato?
Lily: Eight.
Luke: Congratulations. You have a parrot.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Wow. We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily.
Mitchell: Oh, come on. It's- It's a big day for both of them.
Claire: Huh? Haley going to college is a miracle. Lily going to kindergarten is the law.

Quote from Haley

Claire: Okay, we gotta hit the road. Give your sister a hug good-bye.
Haley: Don't dork up our room.
Alex: Don't slut up your college.
Haley: Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?
Alex: I'm totally going to have fun. I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
Haley: Mom, we're gonna lose her.

Quote from Luke

Claire: Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
Luke: [muffled voice] I'm right here. Bye, Haley. Have fun. Don't drink too much beer and shots of Tequila.
Haley: Why are you wearing that mask?
Luke: Uh, I like it.
Claire: He doesn't want you to see him cry.
Alex: He's literally masking his emotions.
Luke: No!
Haley: That's so sweet. Come here.
Luke: It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily. So many great toys to play with, and you're gonna make so many new friends. Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
Cameron: Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me "Cam the Ham."
Mitchell: Okay, Lily's day.
Cameron: Yeah, you're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day. I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with "ham."
Mitchell: Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch. Bitch. Elaine Stritch.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Not all bullies are straight.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Where'd she go?
Lily: Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
Mitchell: Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
Cameron: [to the boy] If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole, and let the birds peck out your eyes. You understand?

Quote from Cameron

Principal Roth: Enough. I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment. I want you and your kids to have a family playdate. Maybe if the four of you can get along, you can set a better example for your children.
Susan: I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?
Phil: Fine.
Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: Fine. We'll host, obviously.
Pam: "Obviously"?
Cameron: Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.
Pam: You've got a lot of nerve.
Susan: Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room.
Pam: I look forward to your frittata.
Cameron: Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?

Quote from Gloria

Teacher: Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round, and tuck it in nice and snug like a burrito.
Gloria: Done! I win.
Teacher: It's not a race.
Jay: You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
Teacher: Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight.
Gloria: It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.
Teacher: Here. And try like this. And see? Now your baby can breathe.
Gloria: I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I think I know how to keep a baby safe.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Man, I love being back in the dorms. It's like I never left. Throw up a David Copperfield poster, this could be my room.

Quote from Cameron

Susan: So, tell us about yourselves.
Mitchell: I'm an environmental lawyer.
Cameron: Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
Pam: Hmm.
Mitchell: And- And, uh, and what do you do?
Susan: I'm a financial consultant.
Pam: I'm a contractor.
Cameron: Hmm.
Pam: You thought I was a P.E. teacher?
Cameron: Well, figured. Hey, I have a question real quick. How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle?

Quote from Cameron

Susan: Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week. Maybe Lily would like to come.
Mitchell: Oh, she would love that.
Cameron: Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
Pam: Oh, God, no. I hate clowns they're so creepy.
Cameron: Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat.
Jay: What?
Gloria: Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
Jay: You never said she was a goat.

Quote from Jay

Teacher: You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class. Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.
Jay: Absolutely. It's not rocket science. It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
Teacher: Scotch?!

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] So we left.
Gloria: I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
Jay: And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. Honey, turn around and show him your- your butt. It- It's uncanny.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Jay, mom, how was class?
Gloria: It was great. It was very educating and- And now we know everything about the baby, no?
Manny: Uh-huh. Interesting, because your teacher called, and you forgot your sunglasses when you left, three hours early.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
Manny: I'm not mad. Just disappointed.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know.
Manny: We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified?
Gloria: But why? Why are you so terrified?
Manny: What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? You were pretty lax, mom. I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them.
Gloria: Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you worried for the both of us.
Manny: What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay.
Jay: No offense taken.

Quote from Haley

Claire: [answering phone] Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
Haley: Yeah. Where are you guys?
Phil: Almost home, honey.
Haley: Dad, I really like that book.
Phil: You do?
Claire: Sweetheart, is everything okay?
Haley: Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for everything, you know, today and stuff.
Claire: O-of course.
Phil: Sure.
Claire: Of course. If--if you need anything at all, you just call us.
Haley: I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
Phil: Not funny. I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [on the phone] Anyway, I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.
Claire: G-good luck with that, sweetie.
Haley: I love you, guys.
Phil: We love you, too, honey.
Claire: So, so much.
Haley: Bye.
Phil: Bye, Haley.
Haley: I'll miss you.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. My mom and Jay are going to parenting class.
Jay: We're doing it for the baby. Not this baby. That baby.
Gloria: Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
Manny: I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I don't know why I have to go to this thing. In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
Mitchell: Ow!
Claire: Ow! Stop pulling my hair.
Mitchell: Stop twisting my nipple. Ow!
Claire: Shut up. Shut up.
Jay: Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. I was barely around.

Quote from Haley

Phil: Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
Haley: Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute. Don't say a word.
Alex: No. No. I agree with that premise.
Haley: Thank you. Wait. Yeah, thank you.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire.
Claire: Mm-hmm?
Phil: In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
Claire: Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
Phil: What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
Phil: 24 times? What are you, buying her a 4-year supply?
Claire: Please. Phil, that would've lasted me and my college boyfriend, like, a long-
Phil: La, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I am so sorry we have to meet like this, but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, the instinct to protect your child.
Pam: Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now.
Cameron: Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression.

Quote from Gloria

[After Gloria is handed a black baby doll in the parenting class]
Jay: You have some explaining to do.
Gloria: I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [offering the black baby doll to an African-American couple] I think they made a mistake at the hospital. Tough room.

Quote from Phil

Haley: Oh, my God. What is that shirt?!
Phil: Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy Moving Co. " 'Cause we're moving you here and here. And also here.
Claire: Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that.
Claire: I bet we could still do it.
Phil: Yeah!

Quote from Haley

Haley: Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off.
Phil: What? Why?
Claire: It's cute! It's not cute!
Haley: Do you see what's happening out there? People are walking around and judging each other.
Phil: No, they're not.
Haley: Oh, really? You didn't see the way muffin top across the hall was looking at me? People can be cruel.

Quote from Phil

Haley: So take it off.
Phil: Fine.
Haley: Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!
Phil: I don't know what you want from me!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: You don't understand. Cam used to be a clown.
Cameron: "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown.
Mitchell: God! Not now! Not now!

Quote from Jay

Man: Wow, you two are really far along. We're, uh, we're still in our first trimester.
Gloria: Ay, that's nice.
Man: Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages.
Jay: She's Latina. You just gotta look at her funny.


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