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37Quotes from ‘White Christmas’

Modern Family: White Christmas

709. White Christmas

Aired December 9, 2015

Gloria wants a traditional, white Christmas now she's an American citizen, so she rents a cabin in the mountains for the whole family. Mitchell and Cameron are determined to make up for a bad caroling performance, Haley and Andy can't keep their hands off each other, and Claire is stunned when Jay makes a major announcement.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] Christmas in Colombia was always hot and loud, people arguing, betrayal, schemes. So I rented a mountain cabin for the whole family to celebrate my first Christmas as an American. I want a white Christmas, you know, like white people have.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Gloria and I have been talking about this for a while. What with Joe getting older, I feel it's just the right time to start a new chapter, which is why I've decided... to retire.
Mitchell: Oh, my.
Cameron: What?!
Jay: Well, maybe "retired" is the wrong word. More of a transition. So, when people ask, "where's Jay Pritchett?" You tell them, "he's transitioning."
Mitchell: Mm.
Jay: Okay, I heard it, too. Let's go back to retiring.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire, life's like a mountain road With a new adventure around every corner.
Claire: If that's the slogan for this stupid coat, I'm gonna kill you!
Phil: Shh! Get in here.

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] There is no Chuck Feeny. I made him up because of what happened to Don McSorley when he turned his company over to his son. Son only took the job because he felt obligated. One year later, business went bankrupt. Broke my heart to buy his entire inventory 8 cents on the dollar.

Quote from Lily

Luke & Manny: [in unison] Hello, Lily.
Lily: What are you wearing?
Manny: Mom made us put on our Christmas sweaters, but look what we found.
Luke: It's a note.
Lily: "I'm hungry for the blood of a little girl. Signed, the forgotten boy." [flatly] This is terrifying.
Luke: It's getting real.
Lily: The scariest thing is that he spells like a 2-year-old.

Quote from Alex

Fig: Christmas, huh? Who the hell came up with this one?
Alex: It was Emperor Constantine.
Fig: I love it! It's not easy being the smartest person in the room.
Alex: My sister thinks quantum theory is a game show, and my brother once tried to take his pants off over his head.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Joe, you're going to see your first snow. It's so exciting!
Joe: I can't wait to make a snow person!
Jay: "Person"? We got to get him out of that hippie school.
Manny: I don't know, Jay. Last report card, he got straight dolphins.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: [aside to camera] Last Christmas, Mitchell and I thought it would be fun to sing a little Christmas Carol for the family. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well because somebody had a little too much to drink. [eyes Mitchell]
Mitchell: Stop doing that. I was nervous. The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year.
Cameron: Nicknames like Screeches & Herb, Simon & God-awful, Nickelback.
Mitchell: But we're gonna redeem ourselves this year. We have been rehearsing our new number for months, and we will debut it at the cabin as a special holiday "screw you" to the family.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Hey, Marty, listen, it's your hotel, but a walnut closet is a place your guests want to hang their clothes. A particleboard closet, they want to hang themselves.
Haley: All this closet stuff is driving me nuts.
Phil: I want to get annoyed, but it's hard when I feel this comfortable.
Alex: Oh, god, he's gonna talk about his new coat again.
Phil: It's like getting a big, warm hug from a mama sheep. Nothing feels like pure sheepskin. The gal at the store said I looked like Kris Kristofferson.
Haley: We don't know who that is.

Quote from Andy

Haley: My family cannot find out about us.
Andy: I'm certainly not gonna tell them. I still have their respect.
Jay: Andy, chop-chop. Joe's making his bathroom face.

Quote from Mitchell

Fig: Oh, thank god you made it! I thought you'd gotten into a horrible car accident! Wait a second. You're not Trip, Tad, Lois, Darcy, and Marlene.
Mitchell: No, we're other names. Who are you?

Quote from Jay

Fig: Fig Wilson. My family's been coming here for the holidays for years.
Gloria: We rented this cabin from the Wilsons. They are in Hawaii.
Fig: Nobody told me that.
Gloria: Okay, well, bye-bye.
Fig: How could they abandon me? Uh, I'm the most caring one in the family. I warn them about cancer. I buy their fat kids clothes in aspirational sizes. I invite them all to my dogs' funerals. Last one ran straight into traffic.
Jay: I can see that.

Quote from Cameron

Fig: Well, I guess I'll just get my bags and walk down the hill. Hopefully, I'll get to the bus station before nightfall. It's wolf season.
Cameron: Why don't you stay here with us? It's Christmas.
Fig: Oh. First time I saw you, I thought you were gonna be a pain in the ass, but it turns out you're my favorite.

Quote from Luke

Lily: What do you think's in here?
Luke: No one told you the legend of the forgotten boy? Happened right here a hundred years ago.
Manny: A boy was very bad, and his parents locked him in this secret room and left him here forever.
Luke: They say at night, you can hear him trying to scratch his way out.
Manny: We got her.
Lily: Idiots.
Luke: That was you scratching, right?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Listen, when I first got into real estate, I worked at one of those big firms with the blazers. I'd rather not say their name, but it rhymed with "century not very fun." Anyway, I saved this. I'd like for you to have it.
Andy: Wow.
Phil: When you wear it, remember the values of our profession: trust, honor, integrity, fidelity, and purity. Are you worthy of the blazer, Andy?
Andy: I want to be.
Phil: I didn't expect it to hit this hard.
Andy: Me either.

Quote from Alex

Fig: Hey, Specks, I'm dying over there. What are you reading?
Alex: Science stuff. I'm sure it'll bore you.
Fig: I teach astrophysics at M.I.T.
Alex: Wait a minute. Are you F.N. Wilson?
Fig: F-N right, I am!
Alex: We just read your essay on how solar flares will wipe out life on earth!
Fig: Hopefully before closet lady corners me again.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Hey, we can finally rent that R.V. and visit all of the major league ballparks.
Jay: You can probably go ahead and do that alone.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Okay, hey, hey, I have a fun idea! Why don't we give Lily one of her presents right now?
Cameron: Ooh, that is a fun idea, daddy. Then she can go play with a toy rather than being with us boring, old adults. How's that sound, Lily?
Lily: I feel like you're up to something, but I don't care. I want a present. I'll take the bike-shaped one. Nice wrapping job, by the way.
Mitchell: Uh, wasn't that for Joe?
Cameron: Well, Joe's getting a doll now.

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] I'm not big on mysticism, but, clearly, this woman was my ghost of Christmas future. So, I decided to turn things around and jump in on the holiday spirit. Jump aboard the fun train! Whoo, whoo! That was a train.

Quote from Alex

Alex: Something smells good!
Gloria: What? What doesn't smell good?
Alex: No, I-I said it did.
Gloria: I am confused! What is it that you don't like?!
Alex: I'm just excited for dinner. I love you guys.
Haley: Oh, don't be nasty. We're trying our best.
Gloria: Yes!

Quote from Jay

Jay: There she is. Haven't seen you since my big announcement. What do you think?
Claire: I think that I gave my all to this company and that if you were gonna hand over the reins to somebody, it should be me and not some hump from Chicago!
Jay: Well, it just so happens-
Claire: I'm not finished, Dad! Thank you for saving me from wasting the next 20 years of my life talking about slats, rods, and hinges; from becoming the most boring person in the most boring industry on earth!
Jay: "Boring"?!
Claire: Boring!
Jay: Closets bring order to a chaotic world!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: What happened?
Jay: I'll tell you what happened. I raised a mean, ungrateful daughter, and I'm glad I gave the business to Chuck Feeny!
Gloria: There is no Chuck Feeny!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Andy? Take off the blazer.

Quote from Phil

Andy: We were just looking for dinner napkins.
Luke: Where? In her shirt?
Lily: I have so many questions.
Phil: Boys, Lily, go play where snow would be.

Quote from Alex

Andy: I'm sick of the lies. We've been having improper relations.
Jay: Aren't you engaged?
Claire: Oh, suddenly, you're concerned about loyalty.
Jay: Oh, you're talking to me. Won't that bore you? Apparently, I'm boring!
Alex: Listen, everyone, let's not let this ruin our beautiful holiday.
Claire: Alex, nobody needs your sarcasm right now!
Phil: It's ugly, honey.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Want to talk about betrayal? How about when somebody steals a song and takes it for themselveses?
Alex: I had no idea that you guys were gonna sing that song.
Fig: I did. I heard them rehearsing. I thought there was an animal stuck in the wall.
Cameron: And to think we invited you into our home. We should've left you out in the warm.

Quote from Phil

Claire: I gave up a three-day trip to Cabo to close that Best Western deal.
Phil: That's right. You owe her 25 margaritas!
Claire: Phil!
Phil: 21!
Claire: 21!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Enough, enough, enough! All I wanted was a white Christmas, and instead, I'm back in Colombia. The heat, the betrayal, people stealing songs! This ends now! Andy, stop whining and be grateful that Haley likes you! She's a stone-cold 10, and you're a Utah 7! Jay, it's time for you and Claire to kiss and make up!
Claire: Why doesn't he kiss Chuck Feeny?!
Gloria: Because there's no Chuck Feeny! He made it up to test you! And if she didn't care, she wouldn't be this upset!

Quote from Jay

Claire: There is no Chuck Feeny?
Jay: It was a dumb idea, but I saw what happened to Don McSorley!
Claire: The crackerjack blinds guy. You got his whole company for 8 cents on the dollar.
Jay: I bought his photocopier for 7 bucks.

Quote from Phil

Joe: Snow!
Phil: Good King Wenceslas, there is snow!

Quote from Gloria

Fig: What are we looking at?
Gloria: Snow! Our miracle for Christmas.
Fig: That's not snow. That's ashes from a forest fire. If you're quiet, you can hear screaming.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Jay: Mitch and Cam, always pushing their agenda.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I have so much lab homework to get done during this break. If it were up to me, Christmas wouldn't even come this year.
Luke: Any chance you could sound more like a cartoon villain?

Quote from Gloria

Claire: Gloria, in your little daily e-mails, you said it was gonna be cold.
Gloria: That's what my phone said.
Jay: You're on Celsius.
Gloria: Oh. It's going to be hot, guys!

Quote from Claire

Cameron: Oh, is the furnace on?!
Gloria: Phil, take off that jacket. You're making me hot just looking at you. Saleslady said that would happen. Trust me, I'm cool as cucumber. Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.
Claire: You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Oh, hey. Look, a piano. Maybe we can get a little song from The Crapenters.

Quote from Haley

Haley: [aside to camera] Andy's fiancee, Beth, has to work, so Gloria invited him for Christmas, which is complicated because we've been having sex and nobody knows about it. I mean, we know.


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