Gloria: [aside to camera] Christmas in Colombia was always hot and loud, people arguing, betrayal, schemes. So I rented a mountain cabin for the whole family to celebrate my first Christmas as an American. I want a white Christmas, you know, like white people have.

Jay: [aside to camera] There is no Chuck Feeny. I made him up because of what happened to Don McSorley when he turned his company over to his son. Son only took the job because he felt obligated. One year later, business went bankrupt. Broke my heart to buy his entire inventory 8 cents on the dollar.

Jay: Gloria and I have been talking about this for a while. What with Joe getting older, I feel it's just the right time to start a new chapter, which is why I've decided... to retire.
Mitchell: Oh, my.
Cameron: What?!
Jay: Well, maybe "retired" is the wrong word. More of a transition. So, when people ask, "where's Jay Pritchett?" You tell them, "he's transitioning."
Mitchell: Mm.
Jay: Okay, I heard it, too. Let's go back to retiring.

Luke & Manny: [in unison] Hello, Lily.
Lily: What are you wearing?
Manny: Mom made us put on our Christmas sweaters, but look what we found.
Luke: It's a note.
Lily: "I'm hungry for the blood of a little girl. Signed, the forgotten boy." [flatly] This is terrifying.
Luke: It's getting real.
Lily: The scariest thing is that he spells like a 2-year-old.

Gloria: Joe, you're going to see your first snow. It's so exciting!
Joe: I can't wait to make a snow person!
Jay: "Person"? We got to get him out of that hippie school.
Manny: I don't know, Jay. Last report card, he got straight dolphins.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Last Christmas, Mitchell and I thought it would be fun to sing a little Christmas Carol for the family. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well because somebody had a little too much to drink. [eyes Mitchell]
Mitchell: Stop doing that. I was nervous. The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year.
Cameron: Nicknames like Screeches & Herb, Simon & God-awful, Nickelback.
Mitchell: But we're gonna redeem ourselves this year. We have been rehearsing our new number for months, and we will debut it at the cabin as a special holiday "screw you" to the family.

Claire: Hey, Marty, listen, it's your hotel, but a walnut closet is a place your guests want to hang their clothes. A particleboard closet, they want to hang themselves.
Haley: All this closet stuff is driving me nuts.
Phil: I want to get annoyed, but it's hard when I feel this comfortable.
Alex: Oh, god, he's gonna talk about his new coat again.
Phil: It's like getting a big, warm hug from a mama sheep. Nothing feels like pure sheepskin. The gal at the store said I looked like Kris Kristofferson.
Haley: We don't know who that is.

Phil: Claire, life's like a mountain road With a new adventure around every corner.
Claire: If that's the slogan for this stupid coat, I'm gonna kill you!
Phil: Shh! Get in here.

Fig: Christmas, huh? Who the hell came up with this one?
Alex: It was Emperor Constantine.
Fig: I love it! It's not easy being the smartest person in the room.
Alex: My sister thinks quantum theory is a game show, and my brother once tried to take his pants off over his head.

Lily: What do you think's in here?
Luke: No one told you the legend of the forgotten boy? Happened right here a hundred years ago.
Manny: A boy was very bad, and his parents locked him in this secret room and left him here forever.
Luke: They say at night, you can hear him trying to scratch his way out.
Manny: We got her.
Lily: Idiots.
Luke: That was you scratching, right?