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‘Clean Out Your Junk Drawer’ Quotes

Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

708. Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

Aired December 2, 2015

After Gloria wins a bid at a school auction, the family take part in a group therapy session with famed doctor and author Debra Radcliffe (guest star Catherine O'Hara), whose self-help book "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer" encourages people to look deep inside themselves and share long suppressed feelings with their loved ones. Elsewhere, Haley and Alex have their own help session to discuss their love lives.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I didn't feel like going to my grandpa's house that Sunday, so I pretended to have a cold. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later...
Claire: Oh, no.
Phil: Yep. I got the cold. I thought it was Karma, so I hopped on my bike and I rode straight to my grandpa's. I climbed in his lap and I hugged him so hard. We even shared an ice cream cone. It's a memory I'll always cherish, 'cause in a crazy coincidence, he got a cold too, and was dead within a week.

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Quote from Phil

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Why don't we start with a fun activity to loosen everyone up?
Jay: I don't care how loose we get, I'm not spilling my guts to some table lamp pretending it's my mother.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: And I won't ask you to, Jay. That kind of silliness gives therapy a bad name. We are going to play a game called Tiger, Rock Star, Bunny.
Phil: I got this. Uh, marry the tiger, kill the bunny-
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Mnh-mnh. That's not my game.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Welcome, everyone. I'm Dr. Debra Radcliffe. And today I'm going to help you clean out your junk drawer. Of course, I'm talking about an emotional junk drawer where we store all the pain, fear, anger that shapes us. Who would like to share why they're here?
Jay: This one didn't have her glasses at the high-school auction. Thought she was bidding on a home organizer.
Gloria: And what a lucky mistake. In Colombia, we never get to do things like this. The only time that I ever went to a seminar was how to escape the trunk of a car when your hands are tied behind your back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You're so tense today, my little baby. What are you worried about?
Claire: Us looking like idiots.
Phil: What? We're superstars here. Married the longest, three happy children, one with a bright future.

Quote from Cameron

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: And how are you two doing here?
Mitchell: We're very good, very healthy.
Cameron: Very happy.
Mitchell: Yes.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Cam, would you like to switch positions?
Cameron: I'm not allowed to talk about that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: The lights again. Now you've written it down?
Mitchell: I'm trying to stick to the small stuff.
Cameron: Oh, well, congratulations. You nailed it, because that's real small.
Mitchell: It- Okay, it bothers me, all right? I-I've asked you very nicely to turn off the lights.
Cameron: Constantly. It's like we're Londoners hiding from war planes.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was dad up in the stands giving me the old "be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Maryjo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 am at the kitchen table and my old man's telling me, "eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like, like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had to know, right?
Gloria: Of course he did.
Jay: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Hey. That's a cool shirt. You look nice.
Andy: I have to cut you off right there. The shirt stays on. I have to hang up on this booty call.
Haley: Wait, what?
Andy: You and me, this- This has to stop. I'm so racked with guilt. I keep giving money to different charities. I even fronted a Zach Braff movie on Kickstarter.

Quote from Mitchell

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: It's good to laugh at what makes us most uncomfortable. But the next three hours will require active participation. Let's clear a little space for ourselves.
Jay: You said this was a 45-minute talk.
Gloria: So what? I was wrong. What, is there a place that you'd rather be than connecting with your family?
Jay: You're really asking this question on football Sunday?
Gloria: All these men here gave up their football today.
Jay: Thank you, Mitchell, for your sacrifice.
Mitchell: Hey, you know what? I'm missing a farmer's market to be here, so... Yeah, I just made it gayer.

Quote from Jay

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Rock star. Looking good, Phil.
Phil: I won an air-guitar contest in high school.
Jay: Bet that got you a lot of air girlfriends.

Quote from Jay

Claire: What the hell is that, dad?
Jay: I'm playing an accordion.
Claire: Supposed to be a rock star. I think you should do, like, a guitar or something.
Jay: I only know how to play the accordion. Pick on Mitchell. He's playing a flute. At least I hope he is.

Quote from Cameron

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Shame, guilt, fear. These are just some of the things we shoved in the back of our junk drawers when we were young. This exercise comes from chapter three, "Scary Dreams, Expired Creams".
Cameron: Oh, I have both of those.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Now, tell me everything that you're thinking.
Jay: I'm thinking about all that other stuff we could've bid on at that auction instead of this nonsense. Lunch with Larry King. A ride along in a cop car. I heard they let you tase someone.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, this is important. Dr. Debra said that this is good for us. Now close your eyes.
Jay: Why should I close my eyes?
Gloria: Because I don't like you looking up at my neck like that. The other day, I took a selfie from down there and I thought that I was FaceTiming with my grandmother.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I wemember my mom went into the store and left me all alone in the back of a twuck.
Mitchell: Okay, do you have to do the baby talk?
Cameron: I couldn't pronounce my r's when I was younger and the other children made fun of me, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: It was very twaumatic. Mom? Mommy? Where are you?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: All right, Cam, it's been a pet peeve of mine since I was a kid, and I've asked you so many times that when you ignore me, it feels a little passive-aggressive.
Cameron: And when you nag me constantly, it feels like I'm talking to my mother.
Mitchell: When I have to nag you, it makes me feel like I am your mother, which could be why it's been a month since we played with each other's pogo sticks.
Jay: Oh.
Gloria: Ay.
Mitchell: [pained] Oh, my God!
Jay: How do you think we feel, Mitchell?!

Quote from Phil

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: I'm sorry. I'm sorry! But I have to go pick up my son because my idiot ex-husband loaned his car to his latest Tinder whore.
Jay: We paid good money for this.
Gloria: No, it was only $84.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Excuse me?
Gloria: I would've paid more, but nobody else was bidding.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: [sobbing] That's great. You know what? I deserve it. This is what you get for dumbing down 30 years of research for a trite analogy of a junk drawer. Just because my editor told me it would get me on the "Ellen" show.
Cameron: You were on "Ellen"?
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Oh, yeah, yeah. I danced my way into America's heart, and that's why I'm stuck here on a Sunday afternoon for 80 bucks.
Phil: Wait. You can't leave now. All our junk is out!

Quote from Phil

Cameron: I know what you're all thinking, and, yes, I will take over as group leader.
Jay: No one's thinking that.
Cameron: I'm the only one with improv experience.
Phil: Oh, really? Or was I the only white member of Ha Ha Blacksheep? I seem to remember bringing down the hizouse with such classic characters as a scared tourist, quarterback, and Bryant Gumbel.

Quote from Jay

Jay: "Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like 'the heart wants what the heart wants.' We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner, and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth."
Gloria: Go to sleep, Jay-Jay.
Jay: I'm telling you, the woman is a genius.


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