Previous Episode Next Episode 

41Quotes from ‘Clean Out Your Junk Drawer’

Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

708. Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

Aired December 2, 2015

After Gloria won a bid at the school auction, the family take part in a group therapy session with a famed doctor and author Debra Radcliffe (guest star Catherine O'Hara), whose self-help book "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer" encourages people to look deep inside themselves and share long suppressed feelings with their loved ones. Elsewhere, Haley and Alex have their own help session to discuss their love lives.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I didn't feel like going to my grandpa's house that Sunday, so I pretended to have a cold. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later...
Claire: Oh, no.
Phil: Yep. I got the cold. I thought it was Karma, so I hopped on my bike and I rode straight to my grandpa's. I climbed in his lap and I hugged him so hard. We even shared an ice cream cone. It's a memory I'll always cherish, 'cause in a crazy coincidence, he got a cold, too, and was dead within a week.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Welcome, everyone. I'm Dr. Debra Radcliffe. And today I'm going to help you clean out your junk drawer. Of course, I'm talking about an emotional junk drawer where we store all the pain, fear, anger that shapes us. Who would like to share why they're here?
Jay: This one didn't have her glasses at the high-school auction. Thought she was bidding on a home organizer.
Gloria: And what a lucky mistake. In Colombia, we never get to do things like this. The only time that I ever went to a seminar was how to escape the trunk of a car when your hands are tied behind your back.

Quote from Phil

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: It's perfectly normal to resist opening your emotional junk drawer.
Cameron: Mm.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: I address that in chapter one, "Hey, get a handle on it". Why don't we start with a fun activity to loosen everyone up?
Jay: I don't care how loose we get, I'm not spilling my guts to some table lamp pretending it's my mother.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: And I won't ask you to, Jay. That kind of silliness gives therapy a bad name. We are going to play a game called Tiger, Rock Star, Bunny.
Phil: I got this. Uh, marry the tiger, kill the bunny-
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Mnh-mnh. That's not my game.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You're so tense today, my little baby. What are you worried about?
Claire: Us looking like idiots.
Phil: What? We're superstars here. Married the longest, three happy children, one with a bright future.

Quote from Cameron

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: And how are you two doing here?
Mitchell: We're very good, very healthy.
Cameron: Very happy.
Mitchell: Yes.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Cam, would you like to switch positions?
Cameron: I'm not allowed to talk about that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: The lights again. Now you've written it down?
Mitchell: I'm trying to stick to the small stuff.
Cameron: Oh, well, congratulations. You nailed it, because that's real small.
Mitchell: It- Okay, it bothers me, all right? I-I've asked you very nicely to turn off the lights.
Cameron: Constantly. It's like we're Londoners hiding from war planes.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was dad up in the stands giving me the old "be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Maryjo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 am at the kitchen table and my old man's telling me, "eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like, like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had to know, right?
Gloria: Of course he did.
Jay: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Hey. That's a cool shirt. You look nice.
Andy: I have to cut you off right there. The shirt stays on. I have to hang up on this booty call.
Haley: Wait, what?
Andy: You and me, this- This has to stop. I'm so racked with guilt. I keep giving money to different charities. I even fronted a Zach Braff movie on Kickstarter.

Quote from Mitchell

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: It's good to laugh at what makes us most uncomfortable. But the next three hours will require active participation. Let's clear a little space for ourselves.
Jay: You said this was a 45-minute talk.
Gloria: So what? I was wrong. What, is there a place that you'd rather be than connecting with your family?
Jay: You're really asking this question on football Sunday?
Gloria: All these men here gave up their football today.
Jay: Thank you, Mitchell, for your sacrifice.
Mitchell: Hey, you know what? I'm missing a farmer's market to be here, so... Yeah, I just made it gayer.

Quote from Jay

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Rock star. Looking good, Phil.
Phil: I won an air-guitar contest in high school.
Jay: Bet that got you a lot of air girlfriends.

Quote from Jay

Claire: What the hell is that, dad?
Jay: I'm playing an accordion.
Claire: Supposed to be a rock star. I think you should do, like, a guitar or something.
Jay: I only know how to play the accordion. Pick on Mitchell. He's playing a flute. At least I hope he is.

Quote from Cameron

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Shame, guilt, fear. These are just some of the things we shoved in the back of our junk drawers when we were young. This exercise comes from chapter three, "Scary Dreams, Expired Creams".
Cameron: Oh, I have both of those.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Now, tell me everything that you're thinking.
Jay: I'm thinking about all that other stuff we could've bid on at that auction instead of this nonsense. Lunch with Larry King. A ride along in a cop car. I heard they let you tase someone.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, this is important. Dr. Debra said that this is good for us. Now close your eyes.
Jay: Why should I close my eyes?
Gloria: Because I don't like you looking up at my neck like that. The other day, I took a selfie from down there and I thought that I was FaceTiming with my grandmother.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: I wemember my mom went into the store and left me all alone in the back of a twuck.
Mitchell: Okay, do you have to do the baby talk?
Cameron: I couldn't pronounce my r's when I was younger and the other children made fun of me, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: It was very twaumatic. Mom? Mommy? Where are you?

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: All right, Cam, it's been a pet peeve of mine since I was a kid, and I've asked you so many times that when you ignore me, it feels a little passive-aggressive.
Cameron: And when you nag me constantly, it feels like I'm talking to my mother.
Mitchell: When I have to nag you, it makes me feel like I am your mother, which could be why it's been a month since we played with each other's pogo sticks.
Jay: Oh.
Gloria: Ay.
Mitchell: [pained] Oh, my God!
Jay: How do you think we feel, Mitchell?!

Quote from Phil

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: I'm sorry. I'm sorry! But I have to go pick up my son because my idiot ex-husband loaned his car to his latest Tinder whore.
Jay: We paid good money for this.
Gloria: No, it was only $84.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Excuse me?
Gloria: I would've paid more, but nobody else was bidding.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: [sobbing] That's great. You know what? I deserve it. This is what you get for dumbing down 30 years of research for a trite analogy of a junk drawer. Just because my editor told me it would get me on the "Ellen" show.
Cameron: You were on "Ellen"?
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Oh, yeah, yeah. I danced my way into America's heart, and that's why I'm stuck here on a Sunday afternoon for 80 bucks.
Phil: Wait. You can't leave now. All our junk is out!

Quote from Phil

Cameron: I know what you're all thinking, and, yes, I will take over as group leader.
Jay: No one's thinking that.
Cameron: I'm the only one with improv experience.
Phil: Oh, really? Or was I the only white member of Ha Ha Blacksheep? I seem to remember bringing down the hizouse with such classic characters as a scared tourist, quarterback, and Bryant Gumbel.

Quote from Jay

Jay: "Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like 'the heart wants what the heart wants.' We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner, and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth."
Gloria: Go to sleep, Jay-Jay.
Jay: I'm telling you, the woman is a genius.

Quote from Phil

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: All right, everybody. On your feet. Okay.
Claire: You know, I-I sort of thought this was a "sit here and listen" kind of a thing.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Phil: Or as I call it, marriage. Where's my husbands at? [Jay leaves Phil's high five hanging]

Quote from Jay

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: When I call out tiger, you will become a ferocious tiger. When I call out rock star, you will be-[British accent] A major rocker. And when I call out bunny, you will be-
Jay: Halfway home. Goodbye.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, go ahead, but don't forget that we don't have a prenup.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I might need booze for this.
Claire: Oh, me likey that idea.
Mitchell: We are not cut out for this.
Cameron: You can't compare yourself to me. I was in "Cats".
Mitchell: No one's comparing themselves to you, Cam.

Quote from Haley

Alex: So, why did they need you out of the house?
Haley: Well, they said it was some sort of therapy, but part of me thinks it's an intervention for mom.

Quote from Alex

Alex: I have a high-school boy toy.
Haley: What?! Who?
Alex: It's Luke's dorky friend Reuben.
Haley: Ugh.
Alex: I feel so ashamed.
Haley: Oh, my god. You should be. Isn't he, like, 8?
Alex: No, he's 16 and 3/4, and he has to shave almost every two weeks.
Haley: How did you let this happen? You go to Caltech. You're surrounded by age-appropriate dorks.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I hooked up with Andy.
Alex: What?!
Haley: Mm-hmm.
Alex: Engaged Andy?
Haley: I know. We were all alone at this house that dad had set up to be sexy-
Alex: Dad made it sexy for you?!
Haley: No, no, for the buyer, but Andy and I were alone, a-and suddenly Bam.
Alex: Bam?
Haley: Mm-hmm.
Alex: "Bam" as in sex or "bam" as in what Reuben shouted when he unhooked my bra?
Haley: Let's just leave it at "bam."

Quote from Claire

Claire: You're right. We're gonna win this thing.
Phil: It's not a competition.
Claire: Exactly. We have this in the bag. Mitchell and Cam fall apart if they've got to pick a restaurant, and all Gloria ever does is yell at my dad.
Phil: Yeah, I'd really hate to be your dad right now.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right, we need a game plan here. My dad and sister are here. Let's keep a low profile. Light and surfacy.
Cameron: But aren't we wasting a great opportunity to learn more about me?
Mitchell: We are not gonna be the sideshow gay couple. Okay, nothing too personal. For god's sake, no bedroom stuff. We're representing a community.

Quote from Jay

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: How's it going here with you two?
Gloria: Not good. He's not even trying. Sounds like you're stuck in that drawer.
Jay: Sounds like you're stuck in that metaphor.

Quote from Cameron

Gloria: I think he's not used to feeling emotions. Maybe it was too much for him.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: No, no, this is good. Some people's junk drawers are so full, it's a struggle to open them.
Mitchell: W-was he holding his chest?
Gloria: Si.
Cameron: Something seemed "wong".

Quote from Jay

Gloria: No, Jay doesn't feel anything.
Jay: I feel lots of things. Annoyed that I'm missing my game, joy that the Steelers are winning.
Cameron: Oh, what is the score?
Gloria: We're not gonna talk about football here!
Jay: Gloria's right. We should talk about deeper things like those awkward years between 14 to 6.
Cameron: Yes!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: When do we get to talk about the dumb things that our husbands do?
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Gloria, thank you. I'm glad you said that.
Gloria: You're welcome. At least somebody's helping.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Because that kind of language is counterproductive.
Jay: Oh, snap.

Quote from Claire

Cameron: Well, I told you not to harp on me about the lights.
Mitchell: Oh, because this is the first that I'm hearing about the coasters.
Claire: Here we go.
Mitchell: Okay, I don't appreciate the smirking.
Claire: I hear you, Mitchell, and I will try to smirk when you're not looking.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I feel like if Andy weren't engaged, we'd have a chance.
Alex: And if Reuben were just a little bit older and didn't wear prescription shoes-
Haley: It'd still be gross.
Alex: I know.
Haley: What are we gonna do?
Alex: We should both just end it.
Haley: I am not killing myself.
Alex: No! Break up with them. Oh, god.

Quote from Haley

Alex: You deserve somebody that isn't engaged to somebody else.
Haley: Yeah, and you deserve to be with someone who didn't take baths with Luke.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, uh, Claire.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I love you.
Claire: I know.
Phil: But when you use that expression, it makes me feel, um... Icky.
Claire: But, I mean, I've hardly ever even used the expression-
Phil: Me likey Sushi, me likey "Game of Thrones", me likey chardonnay. It does hit my ear wrong. But you know what? Forget it. I'm sorry. I got nothing to complain about. Me lucky.

Quote from Jay

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Phil, never apologize for your feelings.
Jay: I thought we're not supposed to say "never".
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Good catch, Jay. Thank you. As the kids say, it's going to get real up in here, but trust me, after that, once I've guided you through the extremely specific steps in deciding what goes back in the drawer and what gets thrown out, you will be the best version of yourselves. It always works.
Jay: Don't say "always".
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Thank you.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: You think I'm too loud?
Jay: Shh! Shh!
Gloria: How am I loud?
Jay: Well, you take in too much air and you expel that air with large and sudden bursts. That's how.
Gloria: Oh, so you're saying that I am full of hot air?
Jay: No, I'm saying just the opposite. None of the air stays in you.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Why did you write down "teepee joke"? Debra said these are my personal and private thoughts. I love that joke. I tell it all the time. It's funny.
Phil: To you.
Claire: Okay. Listen up, guys. This guy walks into his shrink's office and he says, "Doc, what's wrong with me? I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam." And the doc says, "that's your problem. You're two tents." Do you get it? Two tents.

Quote from Cameron

Phil: It just seems a little childish.
Claire: Really? 'Cause you're the one who can't stop playing with his pogo stick.
Phil: You know what? Maybe you'd be happier if you played with my pogo stick once in a while.
Claire: Oh, my god!
Mitchell: What's sad is they're actually talking about a pogo stick.
Cameron: What's sad is you love electricity more than me.

Quote from Haley

Andy: So, what now?
Haley: I don't know. We're still gonna see each other. You work for, like, half my family.
Andy: Do I remove you from my calling circle?
Haley: I think that's between you and your wireless carrier.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'm afraid I'm not fun enough for you.
Phil: Huh?
Claire: Yeah. My sayings aren't cute, my jokes aren't funny, and- And you're gonna get sick of me once the kids leave and you realize how truly crazy I am.
Phil: Really?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: Honey, I already know how crazy you are.


 Episode 707 Episode 709