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Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

‘Clean Out Your Junk Drawer’

Season 7, Episode 8 -  Aired December 2, 2015

After Gloria wins a bid at a school auction, the family take part in a group therapy session with famed doctor and author Debra Radcliffe (guest star Catherine O'Hara), whose self-help book "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer" encourages people to look deep inside themselves and share long suppressed feelings with their loved ones. Elsewhere, Haley and Alex have their own help session to discuss their love lives.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I didn't feel like going to my grandpa's house that Sunday, so I pretended to have a cold. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later...
Claire: Oh, no.
Phil: Yep. I got the cold. I thought it was Karma, so I hopped on my bike and I rode straight to my grandpa's. I climbed in his lap and I hugged him so hard. We even shared an ice cream cone. It's a memory I'll always cherish, 'cause in a crazy coincidence, he got a cold too, and was dead within a week.


Quote from Phil

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Why don't we start with a fun activity to loosen everyone up?
Jay: I don't care how loose we get, I'm not spilling my guts to some table lamp pretending it's my mother.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: And I won't ask you to, Jay. That kind of silliness gives therapy a bad name. We are going to play a game called Tiger, Rock Star, Bunny.
Phil: I got this. Uh, marry the tiger, kill the bunny-
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Mnh-mnh. That's not my game.

Quote from Jay

Jay: What the hell are we doing? Dancing around, telling secrets like girls at a slumber party. I can just imagine my old man with his buddies sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing their asses off that I missed a whole day of football 'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my emotions. These guys didn't do that crap. These were men! His best friend Tommy Ryan lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. Waited until his shift ended to go to the hospital. I broke my collar bone in a football game. There was Dad up in the stands giving me the old "be tough." So I played two more downs before I passed out. My date, Mary-Jo Klumsky, left the senior dance with another guy. Broke my heart. 2 am at the kitchen table and my old man's telling me, "Eat the sandwich and forget about her." Feelings! I didn't even cry at his funeral. You believe that? The guy was my whole world. Not a tear. Everybody looking at me like, like I didn't love him. But he knew. He had to know, right?
Gloria: Of course he did.
Jay: Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that out.

Quote from Gloria

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Welcome, everyone. I'm Dr. Debra Radcliffe. And today I'm going to help you clean out your junk drawer. Of course, I'm talking about an emotional junk drawer where we store all the pain, fear, anger that shapes us. Who would like to share why they're here?
Jay: This one didn't have her glasses at the high-school auction. Thought she was bidding on a home organizer.
Gloria: And what a lucky mistake. In Colombia, we never get to do things like this. The only time that I ever went to a seminar was how to escape the trunk of a car when your hands are tied behind your back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: You're so tense today, my little baby. What are you worried about?
Claire: Us looking like idiots.
Phil: What? We're superstars here. Married the longest, three happy children, one with a bright future.

Quote from Cameron

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: And how are you two doing here?
Mitchell: We're very good, very healthy.
Cameron: Very happy.
Mitchell: Yes.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Cam, would you like to switch positions?
Cameron: I'm not allowed to talk about that.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: The lights again. Now you've written it down?
Mitchell: I'm trying to stick to the small stuff.
Cameron: Oh, well, congratulations. You nailed it, because that's real small.
Mitchell: It- Okay, it bothers me, all right? I-I've asked you very nicely to turn off the lights.
Cameron: Constantly. It's like we're Londoners hiding from war planes.

Quote from Andy

Haley: Hey. That's a cool shirt. You look nice.
Andy: I have to cut you off right there. The shirt stays on. I have to hang up on this booty call.
Haley: Wait, what?
Andy: You and me, this- This has to stop. I'm so racked with guilt. I keep giving money to different charities. I even fronted a Zach Braff movie on Kickstarter.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: All right, Cam, it's been a pet peeve of mine since I was a kid, and I've asked you so many times that when you ignore me, it feels a little passive-aggressive.
Cameron: And when you nag me constantly, it feels like I'm talking to my mother.
Mitchell: When I have to nag you, it makes me feel like I am your mother, which could be why it's been a month since we played with each other's pogo sticks.
Jay: Oh.
Gloria: Ay.
Mitchell: [pained] Oh, my God!
Jay: How do you think we feel, Mitchell?!

Quote from Mitchell

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: It's good to laugh at what makes us most uncomfortable. But the next three hours will require active participation. Let's clear a little space for ourselves.
Jay: You said this was a 45-minute talk.
Gloria: So what? I was wrong. What, is there a place that you'd rather be than connecting with your family?
Jay: You're really asking this question on football Sunday?
Gloria: All these men here gave up their football today.
Jay: Thank you, Mitchell, for your sacrifice.
Mitchell: Hey, you know what? I'm missing a farmer's market to be here, so... Yeah, I just made it gayer.

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