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‘Career Day’ Quotes

Modern Family: Career Day

421. Career Day

Aired May 1, 2013

Phil is excited to showcase the wonders of residential real estate to Luke's class, until his nemesis Gil Thorpe interrupts his presentation. Meanwhile, Gloria encourages Jay to follow his dream of being a novelist, and Mitchell and Cameron make an expensive mistake when Lily is visited by the Tooth Fairy.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Oh, let's see here. Uh, yeah. Oh, the Tooth Fairy. "1 Tooth Fairy Lane. Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."
Lily: I hope it's another $100.
Cameron: Ooh! Well, lookie there. Glitter!
Mitchell: I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to worry about vacuuming.
Cameron: See, "Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made a mistake and gave you too much money. Please leave the $100 under your pillow tonight, and I'll give you a dollar. Sorry if that bites."
Lily: Let me see that. [takes letter] I can't read.

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Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Lily lost her first tooth today. And she's very excited about a visit from the tooth fairy.
Cameron: When I had my first loose tooth, my mama tied one end of the string to it, and the other to the tail of a Guernsey cow, fired off a 12-gauge shotgun, and the cow went running out of the room.
Mitchell: That never happened.
Cameron: Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Guess what? I've been in your house when you weren't home. And yours. And yours. No, I'm not a burglar. I'm a realtor.
Gil Thorpe: Ho! Hey, sorry I'm late! I just sold another mansion. How you doin', honey?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: History is full of great rivalries: Athens and Sparta, Kerrigan and Harding, Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe. In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: "Chuck Stone, 6-foot, 3-inches of steely eyed determination sat at the interrogation table." "His mind was a blank..." "A complete blank." "He literally could not think of one single, solitary thing. Then he noticed a spot." "It looked like syrup left over from breakfast." "Which made him realize it was lunchtime." "A bacon, lettuce, and tomato, sandwich or B.L.T, as Chuck Stone called it, would really hit the spot." "The secret, Chuck realized, was real mayonnaise. Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying for their son." Damn it! "I mean, what's the point of t-t-t-t-t-t-t? Tea for two. Two for tea." It only gets worse from here.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Look what just came in the mail. A letter addressed to you, Lily.
Lily: Really? I don't get much mail.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Gotcha! What are you doing here? You're not the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: N-no. But we just wanted to see if she'd come yet.
Lily: No. She sure is taking her sweet time.
Cameron: Maybe you should just go back to sleep, sweetie, 'cause it could take a while.
Lily: [sighs] I've got nowhere to be.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Mom, I can't be late today. Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.
Haley: So sad what passes for a date in your life.
Claire: Haley.
Alex: He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments. He wants me to act like a nurse.
Luke: Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Today I get to talk about the love of my life Residential real estate.
Claire: He really doesn't hear it.
Phil: I wanna make Luke proud. I wanna be his hero like my dad was when he talked to my class about running a grocery store. He came in with two price guns in holsters and marked our teacher at $1.29 before she knew what hit her.
Claire: I bet that produced a lot of laughs.
Phil: Claire, please.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, I've been with you for five years, and I've never heard you mention anything about writing.
Jay: Hey, I bought a typewriter.
Gloria: A typewriter? When is your book signing? 1975?

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I'm gonna put this in my clutch. I can't wait to tell everyone at school! [exits]
Cameron: Okay, we cannot be the parents of a 6-year-old who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: It's bad enough we're the parents of a 6-year-old with a clutch.
Cameron: You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly, and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket.
Mitchell: Can't have this argument again!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Gil pickles. Genius. So much better than my Phil-low cases. Claire wasn't a fan.
Claire: One of him in bed is more than enough.
Phil: Do you hear that, ladies?

Quote from Claire

Phil: You can't be serious! Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!
Claire: I hate to break it to you, Phil, but you're not Batman.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry, Claire. I-I hate to do this, but I have to use my veto.
Claire: Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes.
Phil: You veto me all the time.
Claire: 'Cause you have dumb ideas.
Phil: Name one.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That went on for a while.
[back:]
Claire: And let's not forget shower snacks.
Phil: I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!

Quote from Haley

Cameron: Lily, look who came to say hi!
Haley: It's me, the Tooth Fairy. And I've come to ask you for a favor!
Lily: Are you really the tooth fairy?
Haley: Oh, yes, I am. Look at my wings!
Lily: Can you fly? I wanna see you fly.
Haley: Well, I can't right now because... Um...
Cameron: Well, because- Because the tooth fairy's too sad to fly because she made a mistake that only you can make better.
Lily: Is this about the money again?
Haley: Well, yes, it is. I need enough for all the other children's tooths. Teeth.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Wait a minute. You're not the tooth fairy. You're Haley.
Haley: No! I am the tooth fairy! Look! Fairy dust!
Mitchell: And there's that glitter.
Lily: Why did you lie? You said lying was wrong.
Mitchell: We also said that when someone is in trouble, you help them.
Lily: How do I know you weren't lying?
Haley: She is good.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: All right, Lily, this is ridiculous. All right, the Tooth Fairy has made a mistake. You need to put the $100 under the pillow, and that is the end of the story.
Cameron: Because you believe it's the right thing to do. Don't you?
Lily: But I wanna buy a scooter.
Haley: Oh. That's what I'd do. I mean who cares what Santa thinks, right?
Lily: Santa?
Haley: Well, he sees everything, and this'll probably put you on the "Naughty" list. But who needs presents every year? You've got a hundred dollars. You can ride around that empty Christmas tree until you're an old lady.
Lily: Can I have some time to think about it?

Quote from Manny

Manny: What now?
Gloria: Just there were no cell phones in 1965.
Jay: That's a mistake. I'm changing that.
Manny: You can't change that. It comes back in the end I-I presume.
Jay: The point is, I can write. I probably won't pursue it, but it's a viable career option.
Manny: The CIA had all sorts of top-secret technology. Who's to say they didn't have cell phones?
Jay: Manny, let it go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I retract my veto.
Claire: You never had a veto.
Phil: Yes, I did.
Claire: No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And that went on for a while.
[back:]
Claire: And lastly, this whole conversation would be happening in a yurt.
Phil: It's the perfect structure.

Quote from Manny

Manny: "We all weave a web of lies." "Some we tell to try to help the ones we love." "Some we tell to try to fool ourselves." "And some we tell because, when you're out of bullets and staring down the barrel of a kalashnikov, the only weapon you've got left is guile."
Jay: She's nuts. That's fantastic.


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