Mitchell: Oh, let's see here. Uh, yeah. Oh, the Tooth Fairy. "1 Tooth Fairy Lane. Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."
Lily: I hope it's another $100.
Cameron: Ooh! Well, lookie there. Glitter!
Mitchell: I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to worry about vacuuming.
Cameron: See, "Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made a mistake and gave you too much money. Please leave the $100 under your pillow tonight, and I'll give you a dollar. Sorry if that bites."
Lily: Let me see that. [takes letter] I can't read.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Lily lost her first tooth today. And she's very excited about a visit from the tooth fairy.
Cameron: When I had my first loose tooth, my mama tied one end of the string to it, and the other to the tail of a Guernsey cow, fired off a 12-gauge shotgun, and the cow went running out of the room.
Mitchell: That never happened.
Cameron: Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall.

Phil: Guess what? I've been in your house when you weren't home. And yours. And yours. No, I'm not a burglar. I'm a realtor.
Gil Thorpe: Ho! Hey, sorry I'm late! I just sold another mansion. How you doin', honey?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: History is full of great rivalries: Athens and Sparta, Kerrigan and Harding, Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe. In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy.

Jay: "Chuck Stone, 6-foot, 3-inches of steely eyed determination sat at the interrogation table." "His mind was a blank..." "A complete blank." "He literally could not think of one single, solitary thing. Then he noticed a spot." "It looked like syrup left over from breakfast." "Which made him realize it was lunchtime." "A bacon, lettuce, and tomato, sandwich or B.L.T, as Chuck Stone called it, would really hit the spot." "The secret, Chuck realized, was real mayonnaise. Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying for their son." Damn it! "I mean, what's the point of t-t-t-t-t-t-t? Tea for two. Two for tea." It only gets worse from here.

Cameron: Look what just came in the mail. A letter addressed to you, Lily.
Lily: Really? I don't get much mail.

Phil: You can't be serious! Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!
Claire: I hate to break it to you, Phil, but you're not Batman.

Lily: Gotcha! What are you doing here? You're not the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: N-no. But we just wanted to see if she'd come yet.
Lily: No. She sure is taking her sweet time.
Cameron: Maybe you should just go back to sleep, sweetie, 'cause it could take a while.
Lily: [sighs] I've got nowhere to be.

Alex: Mom, I can't be late today. Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.
Haley: So sad what passes for a date in your life.
Claire: Haley.
Alex: He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments. He wants me to act like a nurse.
Luke: Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.

Phil: [aside to camera] Today I get to talk about the love of my life Residential real estate.
Claire: He really doesn't hear it.
Phil: I wanna make Luke proud. I wanna be his hero like my dad was when he talked to my class about running a grocery store. He came in with two price guns in holsters and marked our teacher at $1.29 before she knew what hit her.
Claire: I bet that produced a lot of laughs.
Phil: Claire, please.

Gloria: Jay, I've been with you for five years, and I've never heard you mention anything about writing.
Jay: Hey, I bought a typewriter.
Gloria: A typewriter? When is your book signing? 1975?