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52Quotes from ‘Career Day’

Modern Family: Career Day

421. Career Day

Aired May 1, 2013

Phil is excited to showcase the wonders of residential real estate to Luke's class, until his nemesis Gil Thorpe interrupts his presentation. Meanwhile, Gloria encourages Jay to follow his dream of being a novelist, and Mitchell and Cameron make an expensive mistake when Lily is visited by the Tooth Fairy.

Quote from Lily

Mitchell: Oh, let's see here. Uh, yeah. Oh, the Tooth Fairy. "1 Tooth Fairy Lane. Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."
Lily: I hope it's another $100.
Cameron: Ooh! Well, lookie there. Glitter!
Mitchell: I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to worry about vacuuming.
Cameron: See, "Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made a mistake and gave you too much money. Please leave the $100 under your pillow tonight, and I'll give you a dollar. Sorry if that bites."
Lily: Let me see that. [takes letter] I can't read.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Lily lost her first tooth today. And she's very excited about a visit from the tooth fairy.
Cameron: When I had my first loose tooth, my mama tied one end of the string to it, and the other to the tail of a Guernsey cow, fired off a 12-gauge shotgun, and the cow went running out of the room.
Mitchell: That never happened.
Cameron: Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Guess what? I've been in your house when you weren't home. And yours. And yours. No, I'm not a burglar. I'm a realtor.
Gil Thorpe: Ho! Hey, sorry I'm late! I just sold another mansion. How you doin', honey?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: History is full of great rivalries: Athens and Sparta, Kerrigan and Harding, Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe. In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy.

Quote from Jay

Jay: "Chuck Stone, 6-foot, 3-inches of steely eyed determination sat at the interrogation table." "His mind was a blank..." "A complete blank." "He literally could not think of one single, solitary thing. Then he noticed a spot." "It looked like syrup left over from breakfast." "Which made him realize it was lunchtime." "A bacon, lettuce, and tomato, sandwich or B.L.T, as Chuck Stone called it, would really hit the spot." "The secret, Chuck realized, was real mayonnaise. Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying for their son." Damn it! "I mean, what's the point of t-t-t-t-t-t-t? Tea for two. Two for tea." It only gets worse from here.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Look what just came in the mail. A letter addressed to you, Lily.
Lily: Really? I don't get much mail.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Gotcha! What are you doing here? You're not the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: N-no. But we just wanted to see if she'd come yet.
Lily: No. She sure is taking her sweet time.
Cameron: Maybe you should just go back to sleep, sweetie, 'cause it could take a while.
Lily: [sighs] I've got nowhere to be.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Mom, I can't be late today. Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.
Haley: So sad what passes for a date in your life.
Claire: Haley.
Alex: He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments. He wants me to act like a nurse.
Luke: Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Today I get to talk about the love of my life Residential real estate.
Claire: He really doesn't hear it.
Phil: I wanna make Luke proud. I wanna be his hero like my dad was when he talked to my class about running a grocery store. He came in with two price guns in holsters and marked our teacher at $1.29 before she knew what hit her.
Claire: I bet that produced a lot of laughs.
Phil: Claire, please.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Jay, I've been with you for five years, and I've never heard you mention anything about writing.
Jay: Hey, I bought a typewriter.
Gloria: A typewriter? When is your book signing? 1975?

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I'm gonna put this in my clutch. I can't wait to tell everyone at school! [exits]
Cameron: Okay, we cannot be the parents of a 6-year-old who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: It's bad enough we're the parents of a 6-year-old with a clutch.
Cameron: You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly, and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket.
Mitchell: Can't have this argument again!

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Gil pickles. Genius. So much better than my Phil-low cases. Claire wasn't a fan.
Claire: One of him in bed is more than enough.
Phil: Do you hear that, ladies?

Quote from Claire

Phil: You can't be serious! Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!
Claire: I hate to break it to you, Phil, but you're not Batman.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm sorry, Claire. I-I hate to do this, but I have to use my veto.
Claire: Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes.
Phil: You veto me all the time.
Claire: 'Cause you have dumb ideas.
Phil: Name one.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That went on for a while.
[back:]
Claire: And let's not forget shower snacks.
Phil: I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!

Quote from Haley

Cameron: Lily, look who came to say hi!
Haley: It's me, the Tooth Fairy. And I've come to ask you for a favor!
Lily: Are you really the tooth fairy?
Haley: Oh, yes, I am. Look at my wings!
Lily: Can you fly? I wanna see you fly.
Haley: Well, I can't right now because... Um...
Cameron: Well, because- Because the tooth fairy's too sad to fly because she made a mistake that only you can make better.
Lily: Is this about the money again?
Haley: Well, yes, it is. I need enough for all the other children's tooths. Teeth.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Wait a minute. You're not the tooth fairy. You're Haley.
Haley: No! I am the tooth fairy! Look! Fairy dust!
Mitchell: And there's that glitter.
Lily: Why did you lie? You said lying was wrong.
Mitchell: We also said that when someone is in trouble, you help them.
Lily: How do I know you weren't lying?
Haley: She is good.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: All right, Lily, this is ridiculous. All right, the Tooth Fairy has made a mistake. You need to put the $100 under the pillow, and that is the end of the story.
Cameron: Because you believe it's the right thing to do. Don't you?
Lily: But I wanna buy a scooter.
Haley: Oh. That's what I'd do. I mean who cares what Santa thinks, right?
Lily: Santa?
Haley: Well, he sees everything, and this'll probably put you on the "Naughty" list. But who needs presents every year? You've got a hundred dollars. You can ride around that empty Christmas tree until you're an old lady.
Lily: Can I have some time to think about it?

Quote from Manny

Manny: What now?
Gloria: Just there were no cell phones in 1965.
Jay: That's a mistake. I'm changing that.
Manny: You can't change that. It comes back in the end I-I presume.
Jay: The point is, I can write. I probably won't pursue it, but it's a viable career option.
Manny: The CIA had all sorts of top-secret technology. Who's to say they didn't have cell phones?
Jay: Manny, let it go.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I retract my veto.
Claire: You never had a veto.
Phil: Yes, I did.
Claire: No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And that went on for a while.
[back:]
Claire: And lastly, this whole conversation would be happening in a yurt.
Phil: It's the perfect structure.

Quote from Manny

Manny: "We all weave a web of lies." "Some we tell to try to help the ones we love." "Some we tell to try to fool ourselves." "And some we tell because, when you're out of bullets and staring down the barrel of a kalashnikov, the only weapon you've got left is guile."
Jay: She's nuts. That's fantastic.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, before you say no-
Claire: No.
Phil: You haven't even seen it yet.
Claire: Mm, I'm sticking with "no."
Phil: It's for Luke's career day. I thought I'd offer the kids a chance to put their face on my body.
Kids: Ew.
Phil: I just heard it, too.

Quote from Alex

Phil: How come you guys never had a career day?
Haley: Cutbacks.
Alex: Nor'Easter.

Quote from Jay

Manny: And Olivia Berman's mom works in the rare books department at the library. Hope I get a chance to pick that brain.
Jay: Looks like you got quite the career day lineup. So I guess they already got a closet guy coming in, huh?
Manny: No. I didn't think you'd wanna do it.
Jay: I don't, but you know, I just feel bad for the kids. A lot of interesting stories in the closet biz.
Gloria: Oh. Why have you never told us any?

Quote from Gloria

Jay: All right. Maybe it's not the most exciting career in the world, but it pays the bills.
Gloria: No one is complaining.
Jay: Were there other things I'd rather do? Yes. But I had to make ends meet.
Manny: What other things?
Jay: Well, I always wanted to write thrillers.
Gloria: Like that hat story?

Quote from Jay

Jay: Spy thrillers. I've been kicking around this character, CIA Agent Chuck Stone, who doesn't care how much his antics annoy the brass in Arlington.
Manny: Why didn't you ever try it?
Jay: I was busy with work and family. I was gonna start writing after my divorce, but you know life got in the way.
Gloria: Why do you point at me when you say "life"? Am I "life"?
Jay: I meant you keep my busy.
Gloria: You had a 3-hour nap on Sunday.
Jay: I was tired.
Gloria: From what? Your 2-hour nap on Saturday?

Quote from Jay

Jay: It's a hell of a character. They taught him how to kill, but he never learned to love!

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I love the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: The tooth fairy gave our daughter $100? Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is $5 at the most?
Cameron: Well, obviously, the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Mitchell: Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.
Cameron: I think the tooth fairy can handle the chardonnay. What I don't think she can handle is criticizing someone who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Pay attention, kids. You're about to hear from the number four realtor in town. [mouths "I'm number one"]

Quote from Phil

Phil: Anyway, uh, I'm not gonna bore you guys with a lecture. Instead, I'd like you to watch as I converse with a young man who's wondering what to do with his life. [to TV] Hey, kid. Hey, kid, up here! Up here!
Phil: [on TV] Yo, dude! Whassup?
Phil: I'll tell you what's up. I'm interested in helping you by telling you all about a career in real estate.
Phil: [on TV] Real estate? Isn't that just buying and selling houses? I don't have time for that. Epic fail.
Phil: [laughs] Sounds like we need to start at the beginning. You see, real estate is about people. [pauses]
Phil: [on TV] Pfft. People?

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [on TV] Aw! You sold a house to the channel 7 weatherman?
Gil Thorpe: No. No. But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant.
Phil: Guess what? He's not talking to you.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Come on, kids, come on. Give it up! Give it up! He tried. I think we all know what you were going for, Phil. But I'm lookin' out here, and I'm seeing some hungry kids. Am I right? That's why I brought plenty of Gil pickles! Who wants a Gil pickle? Come on. Let me see 'em. All right. Come on. Grab one.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gloria: I wanna thank you kids for having me here today. And remember the three rules of real estate: Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!

Quote from Luke

Claire: Um, stay-at-home mom. Uh, what that means is I actually have a whole bunch of different jobs. I am a chauffeur, a chef, uh, a house manager, a nurse.
Maureen: Is it what you always wanted to do?
Claire: No. Not exactly. Uh, I went to college, uh, to study marketing and worked at one of those big hotel companies. But when my kids came along, I just wanted to be there. You know, wipe their noses and change their diapers and tuck 'em in at night.
Luke: Mom! For the record, I do all my own wiping.

Quote from Claire

Maureen: So why haven't you gone back to work?
Claire: I've done a few things lately. I just redid a house, and I ran for city council last year.
Maureen: You're on the City Council?
Claire: No. I-I didn't win.
Maureen: You lost?
Claire: That's what "didn't win" means. I I thought I would be going back to work when the kids got older, but it- It's not as easy as you might think. You know, people aren't exactly lining up to hire a woman who's almost 40 and has been out of the job market for 15 years.
Luke: I thought you were 42.
Claire: That's almost 40, Luke.
Maureen: My mom went back to work when I was 4.
Claire: Oh, so there was no one at home to teach you not to interrupt?

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Okay. Hey, hey, hey! Let me tell you something. Stay-at-home moms are heroes.
Claire: Yeah.
Gil Thorpe: They're the backbone of this country.
Claire: Thanks, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: I mean, if I had to do that job, I'd probably drink myself to death, honestly.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: All right, let's give her a round of applause, everybody. Come on. Oh, come on, you can do better than that. Let me hear ya! All right! All right! All right, class dismissed. Get out of here!
Teacher: No! No, no, no. We have guys, we have three more hours.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Here.
Jay: My old typewriter.
Gloria: You said you want to write. Write.
Jay: Now? I've got a busy day.
Gloria: I already called your office and told them that you can't come in to walk around for 20 minutes saying to everyone, "What's up, sport?"

Quote from Gloria

Jay: I know this is your subtle little way of saying you don't think I can do it.
Gloria: No. It's life getting out of the way.
Jay: Fine. I'm gonna take you up on your little challenge, but you should know this- This behavior of yours is not gonna fly when you lose your looks.
Gloria: Mm! You're gonna be long gone by then.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Uh, well, it sounds like she's really in a jam. And I think we're gonna have to give the tooth fairy her $100 back.
Lily: No! I wanna keep it.
Mitchell: I'm scared that she's gonna be the one taking care of us when we're older.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Enough chitchat. I've gotta get a character out of a bind.
Manny: Ooh. What did he do?
Jay: He told his wife he could write a book.
Manny: Don't give up, Jay. Self-doubt is part of the process. You can't be a good writer without being critical of your own work. [reading Jay's work] ... Huh.
Jay: What?
Manny: I'm racking my brain for a compliment here.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Okay. Why is Chuck Stone interrogating this guy?
Jay: He needs the codes. If he doesn't get 'em, the International Space Station's gonna crash into Times Square on New Year's Eve.
Manny: So he's short of time.
Jay: He's got about two minutes. He's desperate.
Manny: How about this? "Chuck Stone smiled and lit a cigarette, as if he had all the time in the world, when in fact, the world was about to end."
Jay: Holy crap. What happens next?
Manny: Move over. I'll type. Some coffee would be great. Thanks.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: I'm sorry. I don't understand why we don't just go in there, we tell her we're taking the money, and that's that.
Cameron: Because this is a teaching moment, and we want her to want to give the money back.
Mitchell: I'm just really worried we're becoming those overindulgent parents right now.
Cameron: Don't be silly. Okay, you ready, tooth fairy?
Haley: [in a tooth fairy costume] Let's do this.

Quote from Haley

Mitchell: Haley? Okay, that was brilliant.
Haley: [in Tooth Fairy costume] Thanks. Oh, also, can I borrow this?
Mitchell: Why?
Haley: I'd rather not say.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [answering phone] Yell-o?
Gil Thorpe: Quick question. Am I talking to live Phil or video Phil?
Phil: What do you want, Gil?
Gil Thorpe: I just wanna make it's okay that your wife calls me "boss."
Phil: Good-bye.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, hold on! Hold on! I'm just messing with ya. Although I do think your wife's gonna enjoy being under me.
Phil: My son is in the car.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, superstar! What's up? Listen, any time you wanna swing by the beach house, I'll be glad to show you how to throw a tight spiral like I did at Texas Tech. Booyah!
Phil: He already knows how to throw.
Luke: Yeah, my gay Uncle Cam taught me.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [on the phone] This was between us. You don't bring family into it. Low blow getting Claire's hopes up.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, I'm not getting her hopes up. This is a real job with real bennies. One of which is I get to tell you what I'm thinking whenever she leans over my desk! Ha ha ha! Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with this! Uhh! Later, dunph-bags!

Quote from Phil

Phil: You know what? We're gonna tell your mom before she goes into business with this guy. He's gil-ty of being a thorpe in my side.
Luke: Trying too hard.
Phil: Yeah.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: So you actually wrote something?
Jay: Well, it was slow going at first, but then the juices started flowing.
Gloria: May I?
Jay: Sure. Uh, if it helps, picture Tom Berenger.
Gloria: I always do.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Well, it's just this this first sentence is a bit long.
Manny: Long or dynamic?
Gloria: No, long and confusing. I can't tell who's talking.
Manny: Maybe that's just to mimic the fog of battle.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: And this Chuck Stone, he doesn't seem very good at his job.
Manny: He's flawed. That's what makes the character interesting. If you want someone perfect, put in a robot.
Gloria: [gasps] A robot! I like a robot.
Manny: No! You're not putting a robot in my story! That's right, my story.
Jay: You must be very happy.
Gloria: I would be, but life got in the way.

Quote from Claire

Phil: What are you doing?
Claire: Oh, I just got out my old briefcase. It's still capable of doing the job, just like me.
Phil: Claire, you have to understand something.
Claire: You have to understand something. I walked around all day on cloud nine because somebody valued me.
Phil: I value you. We all value you.
Claire: No, of course you do, because I cook and I clean and I pick up dirty underwear. No, honey, it's different than that. I have been on the sidelines for so long, I didn't know if anybody would ever think I have what it takes again. I know Gil's not the greatest guy, but this is important. And I think-
Phil: I think you should take the job.
Luke: But, dad-
Phil: No, Luke. She's right. Your mom's gonna be amazing at this.

Quote from Phil

Luke: You know he's gonna keep teasing you.
Phil: If it makes your mom happy, I can handle a few phone calls. [phone beeps] And texts. Wow.
Luke: What does it say?
Phil: [sobbing] Nothing I can't handle.

Quote from Luke

Phil: Okay, guys, bring it in! Let's get this place shipshape before she gets home. I'm sure she had a big first day. Haley, I'm putting you on laundry. Alex, kitchen and vacuum. Luke, you're cleaning the bathroom.
Luke: Why me?
Alex: Because you always mess it up.
Haley: Yeah, why can't you pee straight?
Luke: Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Okay, guys, team Dunphy on three. One, two... That's right, we got a lot to do! Honey, what are you doing home so early?
Claire: I quit. That man is a complete pig. He treated me like a servant and showed me absolutely no respect.
Phil: I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that.
Claire: I do.
Phil: So what's for dinner? I feel like you heard me wrong. I said, what's for dinner?
Claire: I heard you!


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