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47Quotes from ‘A Moving Day’

Modern Family: A Moving Day

1011. A Moving Day

Aired January 9, 2019

Claire and Phil worry that Haley and Dylan aren't ready when they move into a new apartment before the baby arrives. When Pam gets out of prison, she has a bone to pick with Mitchell. Meanwhile, Gloria feels that Sherry is bossing Manny around.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Oh, can you believe it, Claire? Our little girl is growing up.
Claire: Yeah, it seems like just yesterday we were carrying all these boxes downstairs after she got arrested and kicked out of college.
Haley: [chuckles] Ah.
Dylan: Yeah, I've been through a lot, too. I've been a limo driver, a lead singer, a ranch hand, a Dapper Dan at Disneyland, a t-shirt designer, a sign spinner and now a nursing student with a baby on the way. It's all going according to plan.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Tiny-homes are very trendy these days. And, by the way, it's what I called my short, black best friend in high school.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Hey, you guys. I packed up some dishes for the new house. I even found your old sippy cup for when the little one comes along.
Haley: Aww.
Dylan: Thanks, Mr. D.
Haley: Thanks, Dad. Is, uh, Mom still in there making that judgy face?
Phil: Haley, you've known her for years. Just call it her face.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Haley's pregnancy is off to a rough start. Nausea, moodiness, trouble sleeping... Claire's got it all. Me, I'm just trying to keep the peace here in Hormone Town.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Claire, look at the positive. One of our kids is finally moving out.
Claire: After her pregnancy test, I've had enough positives.
Phil: Kind of reminds me of two other unmarried, pregnant, lovestruck kids who moved in together about... 25 years ago.
Claire: It's not the same.
Phil: I don't know. Acid-wash their jeans and put a dream catcher in Dylan's ear, and it's exactly the same.

Quote from Pam

Cal: Momma!
Pam: [gasps] There's my little chicken nugget! Ooh, my goodness! I missed you so much. How have you been?
Cal: They read to me every night.
Pam: Aw, don't worry, baby. That's all over now.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, great news. My Sausage of the Month arrived a day early. You get to be here for the un-boxing.
Gloria: I'm not gonna film it this time.
Jay: Kielbasa, yes! They took my suggestion again.
Gloria: I told you it's not a suggestion. The web page is just asking you to choose one.

Quote from Dylan

Haley: Ta-da!
Dylan: Welcome to 14 and 7/8ths Fletcher Ave.

Quote from Dylan

Phil: Hey, we got you guys a housewarming gift. It's a decorative pineapple because, uh, pineapples are a symbol of good luck.
Dylan: Thanks, Mr. D. That's way better than our giant cherry. That's just a symbol of a clean toilet.

Quote from Dylan

Claire: It's... It's not a skylight. There's a hole in your roof.
Phil: Cool, I always wanted to learn how to install a skylight. I guess today's the day.
Dylan: Have you also always wanted to move an electrical outlet that's currently in the shower?
Phil: Well, that can't be code.
Dylan: It's not. I'm telling you exactly what's going on.

Quote from Dylan

Dylan: Dr. Singh, that is some exquisite gel work, and I say that as a soon-to-be nurse and someone who wears a lot of product in his hair.

Quote from Haley

Dr. Singh: [thudding] There's the heartbeat.
Haley: Oh, it... it sounds so fast, is everything okay?
Dylan: No, that's good. That's the way a baby's heart should sound.
Dr. Singh: He's right. It's the sound of a very healthy... oh!
Both: What?
Dr. Singh: [thudding] There's a second heartbeat.
Haley: A baby with two hearts? I didn't know I was pregnant when I ate that brownie!

Quote from Phil

Jay: How's the move going?
Phil: So good. Really good. Good, good, good, good.
Jay: That's good.
Phil: No, it's not. It's a disaster. The place is too small. Everything needs fixing. I'm trying to stay calm, but... There's a hole in the ceiling, Jay... A hole in the ceiling. Rain is gonna fall on the crib. What... What happens if a... an owl picks up a-a pinecone and drops it? My grandchild's gonna get hit with a pinecone!
Jay: Don't be silly. What would an owl be doing with a pinecone? At the most, it would be a mouse or a baby gopher.

Quote from Jay

Phil: I think I see what you're saying. If I can become awesome, so can Dylan.
Jay: That's not what I'm saying. Who the hell knows what's gonna happen? Let me tell you something about life. We all have this illusion that we're in control. I wanted to play pro football, some guy takes my knee out. I graduate from school, I'm gonna drive my motorcycle across the country, and some suit pulls my draft number. I worked my ass off to send my daughter to college, some juggler knocks her up.
Phil: Again, sir, I'm very sorry about that.
Jay: I put in the years, I build my business so I don't have to answer to anyone, and I still have to jump through hoops to get a damn sausage.
Phil: You lost me there at that last part.
Jay: Look, all I'm saying is things are always gonna change, and you have to deal with it. But the good news is, five years from now while you're playing with your grandkid, you won't even remember today.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I had a dream last night that they left the baby in an Uber, and I had to shrink myself down to commandeer a hummingbird to find it.
Phil: I'm just glad it wasn't another Jake Tapper sex dream.
Claire: I'm mad. I'm scared they're in over their heads...
Phil: Claire, it's happening. They're having the baby. The train's left the station. et on board.
Claire: [sighs] Fine. You're right. You're right. I'll... I'll try to be positive.
Phil: Good. I was gonna go pick up a house-warming gift for them. Why don't you come with me?
Claire: Oh, okay, let's do that. Wait a second. How do you board a train that's already left the station?
Phil: I don't know. Maybe you could catch up to them on a hummingbird with Jake Tapper.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Well, you're off the hook. I'm flying to Branson solo, and I guess I'll be sitting next to a stranger at The Osmond Brothers: A Tribute to Hip Hop.
Mitchell: Well, I'll catch them when they come to Compton, but thank you.

Quote from Mitchell

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: My sister, Pam, is coming to pick up Cal to... to take him back to Missouri. She was supposed to be in prison another three months, but my wonderful husband, Assistant D.A. Pritchett, wrote a letter advocating for her early release.
Mitchell: It was nothing.
[separably to camera:]
Mitchell: It actually was nothing. I never wrote any letter. It just... It didn't feel right. Pam showed no remorse, and her sentence was fair. And... And then for some reason, they decided to let her out early anyway. Fortunately, uh, parole records are sealed, so Pam and Cam will never know, and I don't have to go to Branson and hear the Osmonds ask if they can get a "what-what."

Quote from Lily

Cameron: Cal, that's your mom! She's back from her, um... trip?
Lily: Up the river.

Quote from Pam

Cameron: Oh, Pam, it is so great that you're out. It must've been so lonely in there.
Pam: Well, there was some companionship.
Cameron: Good.
Pam: I dabbled in lesbianism.
Mitchell: Oh.
Pam: Didn't hate it. But there was just too much talking afterwards.

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: Again, I'm... I'm so sorry that you can't stay upstairs. We have this new renter coming in, and...
Pam: Cram it. I know you didn't send that letter.
Mitchell: What? H-How?
Pam: That don't matter. All that matters is you're gonna pay.
Mitchell: Oh...
Pam: In prison, they called me BOTOX, because even though all the ladies want me, I will wreck your face.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Sherry, I-I don't know if I like these. They're so short.
Sherry: No, that's the style, boo.
Manny: I just don't know if I have the ankles for this.
Gloria: Yeah, those pants are no good for Latin people. They make you look like you're trying to run across a river.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, we should start sending invitations for your birthday party.
Sherry: Oh, but I thought we were gonna go to the Ojai Mime and Wine Festival for your birthday?
Manny: Oh, yeah, maybe we shouldn't do the party, Mom.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: This is crazy. Manny's terrified of mimes. And he hates Central Valley wine.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Anyways, we have a problem. Sherry is bossing Manny around.
Jay: Oof, that's a lot to take in. Can you cook these up with that special sauce you do?
Gloria: You have to go and tell him that he needs to stand up for himself.
Jay: Why me? I don't think we should get involved at all, but, I mean, if it's a problem for you, then you do it, 'cause I don't care.
Gloria: I can't. If I say something bad about Manny's girlfriend, he's not gonna listen, because I am the mother who thinks that nobody's good enough for her little boy.
Jay: Just let it go.
Gloria: I can't because she's not good enough for my little boy.

Quote from Manny

Jay: Hey, kid. I need to talk to you about you and your girlfriend. It's a sensitive subject.
Manny: If this is about the sounds coming from my room last night, it wasn't what you think. We were rearranging the furniture, and then we were congratulating each other on how it turned out.
Jay: Sadly, I believe you. I thought you liked your furniture exactly like it was? We fired two cleaning women over this.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Actually, that's what I don't want to talk to you about. Is it possible Sherry pushes you around?
Manny: What are you saying?
Jay: I don't know. Be the man, you know. Show some backbone.
Manny: That is such a you thing to say.
Jay: It really isn't.
Manny: It's such an old way of looking at relationships. Gender roles don't matter anymore.
Jay: Is that why you're wearing her pants?
Manny: Let me tell you something, Jay. Just like long pants, toxic machismo has gone out of style.
Jay: Yeah. Yeah, masculinity's bad till someone has to kill a spider.

Quote from Haley

Haley: I know it's not perfect, but we've got this. We're a lot more grown up than you think.
Dylan: Haley, can I talk to you for a second in the kitchen?
Haley: Yeah.
Dylan: Uh, that was the doctor. We're supposed to be there right now.
Haley: Oh, my God. The ultrasound! I totally spaced! We can't let my mom find out.
Dylan: Um, let's just make up something responsible and get out of here.
Haley: Okay.
Dylan: Okay.
Haley: So, we need to go and get toothbrushes.
Claire: You should've put up a sheet. We heard everything. You missed your first ultrasound appointment?

Quote from Claire

Claire: Who's the doctor?
Haley: We found her on Yelp.
Dylan: She has, like, four stars.
Haley: Mm-hmm.
Claire: So does the sushi place that gave Luke worms. I'm coming with you.

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: Hey, there's my favorite sister-in-law. I, uh... I got you a Popsicle, and the stick has a joke on it. Um, "How do you fix a broken gorilla?" Mm, well, I guess we're gonna find out soon.
Pam: Sticks are good for more than joking. In prison, I learned how to fashion all manner of sticks into knives.

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: What do you want from me?
Pam: Miles.
Mitchell: Uh, what?
Pam: I know all you fancy people have rewards cards. Being all cooped up has given me the travel bug.
Mitchell: But I've been saving those. I bought groceries at a gas station for six months to get triple points. For... For Lily's birthday breakfast, we gave her something called Pop Zarts.
Pam: I want them in my account by the end of the day or I tell Cameron.
Mitchell: But I almost have enough for two off-peak flights to Paris.
Pam: Ha, "monkey wrench."
Mitchell: Yeah, that's putting it mildly.
Pam: No, that's how you fix a broken gorilla, you dummy.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Oh, there you are. How did it go?
Jay: Not well. He got all mad, called me old-fashioned. Me... the guy who bought Alex a book on successful business ladies.
Female voice: Sorry, I didn't understand that. Please try again.
Jay: Why does that coffee grinder keep talking to me?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm calling it. I'm done.
Male voice: [on phone] Calling Brian Dunn.
Jay: No. No, no. I owe him money.

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Jay, you need to talk to Sherry and tell her that it was your idea.
Jay: I've kept up my part of the bargain. Now, don't go all Colombian and tell me if I don't talk to Sherry you're not making those sausages, 'cause I already took a second statin. Sorry, for once, you're not getting your way.
[cut to:]
Jay: Hey, Sher, got a sec?

Quote from Jay

Jay: I know you're upset with Manny. That's on me. I put some ideas in his head. You know, I'm kind of a hero to him. I didn't mean to cause any trouble. You know, I'm crazy about the kid, and I just want to make sure he's in a healthy relationship.
Sherry: Gloria put you up to this, didn't she?
Jay: It's complicated.
Sherry: [scoffs] You do see the irony of this, right? She's so worried about Manny getting bossed around, yet she has no problem bossing you around?
Jay: No, no, that's crazy.
Sherry: Really? Is this how you wanted to spend your afternoon?
Jay: No, I hate this. Man, I had a whole day planned.
Sherry: Listen, I'm gonna let Manny spiral for a few hours, and then we're gonna go back upstairs and move the furniture around.
Jay: Oh, God, it was that.
Sherry: But you need to stand up for yourself. You go back in there, and you tell Gloria that you're tired of being told what to do.
Jay: Let me think about it.
Sherry: Don't think. Just do it.

Quote from Pam

[As Mitchell showers:]
Mitchell: Oh! Oh.
Pam: Relax. It's nothing I haven't seen before. I was on the boys' wrestling team.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: What do you want? I transferred the miles.
Pam: I got 'em. Decided I don't want to travel, though... Converted them all into gift cards.
Mitchell: No, no, no, they say you're not supposed to do that.
Pam: I decided I want something else. I want to move in upstairs, and I want a HEPA air filter on account of I shed.
Mitchell: I told you it's rented. I can't just cancel on them.
Pam: You sure about that? Because when I don't get what I want, I can make things real uncomfortable. [turns tap]
Mitchell: Oh, cold, cold!

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: What's going on?
Pam: Nothing. Mitchell and I's just talking.
Mitchell: No, no, we weren't. I can't... I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry. I never wrote the letter to the parole board.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: I... I tried to lie, but I just... I couldn't do it.
Cameron: Yet you had no problem lying to me. You just let my sister rot in that horrific hell hole?
Mitchell: Oh, please, they have a Taco Tuesday!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Uh, Cam, c-can we talk?
Cameron: Oh, hold up. I'm just looking through some pictures of me helping out your family. Here I am taking Jay and Gloria to the airport, and, oh, this is me, uh, helping Alex move into her dorm room, and who can forget when I helped Phil with that magic trick and let him make me disappear.
Mitchell: You're not in that picture.
Cameron: That's how good I am at helping out. Now let's take a look at some pictures of you helping out my family. Oh!

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Cam, I tried to write the letter. I... I really did, but she broke the law, and she got a fair sentence. She did not deserve to get out early. I-I couldn't bring myself to lie about it.
Cameron: Oh, give me a break. I have heard you say the words, "Nice perm, Manny." You can get there.

Quote from Pam

Mitchell: I am an officer of the law. I took an oath.
Cameron: What about our oath? To love, honor, and... and lie for each other's family.
Mitchell: Oh, that's not part of it.
Cameron: But it's implied.
Pam: Stop. Stop. Mitchell's right. I spent the day terrorizing him. I'm a horrible person. I should still be in jail. Look what I took.
Mitchell: Is that my beard trimmer?
Pam: Works on other hairs.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm sorry. I am a thief and a liar and a manipulator. I can't be trusted to rejoin society.
Cameron: Hey, don't say that. You're... You're gonna be fine.
Pam: What about little Cal? He's doing so good here. I'm just gonna ruin him. I need supervision, to be locked back up. You guys know where I can get a pickup truck and a big ol' chain? I'm gonna steal me a Redbox.

Quote from Claire

Dr. Singh: Haley, have you been taking your prenatal vitamins?
Claire: I'll make sure she does from now on.
Haley: Calm down, Mom. I can remember to take a pill every day.
Claire: Can you?

Quote from Haley

Dr. Singh: Haley, breathe. You're having twins.
Haley: [laughs] That's impossible. It's a mistake.
Dr. Singh: It's not. I'm pretty good at this.
Dylan: She's right. You can see them right here.
Haley: I can't have twins. That's twice as many babies as we were expecting.
Dylan: Yeah, they'll outnumber us.
Haley: How are they gonna fit in our place? How are they gonna fit in my body? One is always going to be awake. I'll never sleep again. And those double-strollers are so wide, I can say goodbye to ever shopping in a boutique.

Quote from Claire

Claire: I'll be here.
Haley: Yeah, but you kind of haven't been lately.
Claire: I know, I know, and I'm very sorry about that, but as you're about to find out, being a mom is very complicated. Luckily, there are these instincts that kick in, especially when your kid's in trouble. So if you're ever overwhelmed, I am right over your shoulder on the wings of a hummingbird.
Dr. Singh: Now I know where she got the brownie.
Dylan: And I'll be right behind you on that hummingbird, Mrs. D.
Claire: It's kind of a hummingbird for one.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Okay, Manny and his girlfriend are good. Let's boil and broil.
Gloria: Thank you, Jay. Two sausages coming up.
Jay: Two? What, am I in a boy band? Make 'em all.

Quote from Jay

Phil: Dylan seems like he's getting his life together, but he's still a wild card at best.
Jay: I know exactly how you feel.
Phil: I guess you do. I was your wild card, huh?
Jay: I didn't have a lot of faith. Didn't you have feathers hanging off your ear?
Phil: It was a dream catcher.
Jay: It was my nightmare.

Quote from Jay

Phil: [cellphone chimes] Huh. Haley and Dylan are gonna have to move back in with us. That's okay. I can handle that. [cellphone swooshes] She's having twins.
Jay: Let's get you a sausage.

Quote from Pam

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was a box of clothes Pam asked her mom to ship to her three days ago.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: You faked that breakdown so you could stay here.
Pam: Well done, Counselor.
Mitchell: See, this is why I couldn't write that letter for you. You have no remorse for your lying, stealing ways, but I... I am on to you, and I am going to make you pay.
Pam: [scoffs] No, you ain't. You tiny.
Mitchell: Hey, hey, are those our lamps? Pam?


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