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43Quotes from ‘The Old Wagon’

Modern Family: The Old Wagon

201. The Old Wagon

Aired September 22, 2010

Claire finds it harder than she expected to say good bye to their decrepit old station agon. Gloria feels Manny's new study buddy is turning him against her. Meanwhile, Cameron tries to keep Mitchell away from the action when they build a princess castle for Lily.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Oh, remember how much fun we had when we built that bookshelf together?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: That was my Vietnam. And I was in Vietnam.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My great-great-grandfather helped build the Brooklyn Bridge. I heard that until the day he died, every time he passed it he was filled with such pride. He'd say, "There's a little bit of me in that bridge." I know that I'm not the handiest guy, but I'm still a man. And I want to be able to look out into my yard and say "There's a little bit of me in that princess castle."

Quote from Gloria

Manny: What's wrong?
Gloria: No, nothing.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Okay, sue me. I am a Colombian mother. I'm not gonna let him make a mistake that is gonna affect him for the rest of my life. His life.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Well, you can't be in sales and not remember people's names. That's why I like to use what they call "menimonic" devices or little tricks to help you remember. Um, like the other day, I met this guy named Carl. Now I might forget that name, but he was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt. What's a band like the Grateful Dead? Phish. Where do fish live? The ocean. What else lives in the ocean? Coral. Hello, Carl.
Claire: I think it's "mnemonic."
Phil: I- I think I'd remember.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: My hair, my voice, my balance board exercises. But don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Wow, this place has really changed. Time marches on, huh? See that Starbucks down there? You know what that used to be?
Alex: An orange grove?
Phil: No, a Burger King. You can still see some of the architecture.

Quote from Claire

Claire: Honey, why do we keep this car?
Phil: It's a classic.
Claire: No, it just sits here. And the seat belts don't work, the doors stick, it leaks fluids. We haven't put fluids in it in 10 years.
Phil: Well, I'm gonna fix all that. You wait. And then, uh, it's gonna be Haley's car.
Claire: Oh, we're not giving this car to Haley. It's way too easy to fit a mattress in the back.
Phil: Remember?
Claire: Oh, no. We're selling it.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: "While the spray-tanned starlet claims to be six weeks sober sources down under say she has been barhopping like a coked-up kangaroo."
Mitchell: Ah, what's Daddy reading to you?
Cameron: If I have to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one more time, I will snap.
Mitchell: Oh, it's not that bad-
Cameron: I will snap!

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: So, um, I laid the toolbox outside and all the supplies are ready. And I think we are good to go.
Cameron: Terrific.
Mitchell: Aren't you gonna change into a workingman's outfit?
Cameron: No, I'm good, and I don't think workmen really call 'em "outfits."

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: [aside to camera] I am petrified to do this with Mitchell. He built a couple of theater sets in college or something and now he thinks he knows everything about building. Well, he doesn't. Every home improvement project that we've undertaken has been a near-death experience. If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: [aside to camera] In my culture, mothers are very clingy to their sons. In fact, the leading cause of death among Colombian woman is when their sons get married. But I'm not like that. I just want my Manny to be happy.

Quote from Phil

Luke: Hey, Mom, when was this from?
Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose Bowl.
Phil: Incredible game.
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.
Claire: Thank you, sweetheart.
Luke: So what happened?
Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?
Phil: We got our butts kicked by Penn State. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. Good time, she wrote.

Quote from Phil

Luke: You can do it, Dad.
Phil: Okay. He looked like the drummer from Foreigner. A foreigner's from France. France rhymes with ants. Ants ruin a picnic. [answering phone] What's up, Nick?

Quote from Phil

Phil: Guess what? You said I couldn't sell this? Well, you're gonna be eating humble pie stuffed with crow and a big side of sorry, 'cause I just did. In your face, girl with the negative tattoo.

Quote from Phil

Claire: When I woke up this morning, I hated that car. And even thinking about it made me mad. But then when we were going through it Blankety, all that stuff I just- The thought of that whole part of our life driving away...
Phil: We can keep Blankety.
Claire: No. Look at them. Come on, a minute ago, they were babies. And now they're driving, and soon we'll all be dead.
Phil: Whoa. You're leaving out a few great minutes there. Retirement, old age cool chair that goes up the stairs.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: I'm just sayin' the kid's gotta learn to let things go.
Cameron: Well, this is a touchy subject for Mitchell. He wants to feel like a regular Joe, like you and I. Oh, pardonnez-moi! I prefer the champagne Dijon to the standard yellow. You know, there are a few areas that define us as men like sports and construction. Mitchell just wants to feel like he's part of the man club.
Jay: Isn't that where you guys met?
Cameron: I know you're making a joke because you're uncomfortable, so I'll let it slide. And we met at an orgy.
Jay: Ohh!
Cameron: Come on.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: I just think it's crazy, that's all. So what if he can't swing a hammer? Look at all he has done: law school, great career, providing for his family. That's manly too, isn't it? I mean, the classical sense.
Cameron: Well, yes. I mean, I think it also takes a big man to quit his career as a music teacher and raise a child.
Jay: You're a man too, Cam.
Cameron: Thank you, Jay. Wait! Garnish. We're men, not cavemen.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Besides, I think there's a girl I'd rather spend time with.
Gloria: Oh, that's so sweet. I'm the luckiest mother in the world.
Manny: [on cell phone] Hey, this is Manny. Is Alicia there?
Gloria: Who's Alicia?
Manny: She's a girl in my history class. We like to play Six Degrees of Sir Francis Bacon.
Gloria: You just tossed a woman aside then immediately you go to the next one?
Manny: No, I just-
Gloria: "I j-j-j-just," what? This is not the way you treat woman! Men are all the same! They break woman's hearts and they don't care! Men are all animals!
Jay: [entering] Hey, honey.
Gloria: Animal!

Quote from Jay

Gloria: Manny, relax. She's not here yet.
Jay: You might wanna play it a little cooler. You don't want to scare off your girlfriend.
Manny: She's not my girlfriend! She's just coming over to study the life cycle of silkworms. [doorbell rings] Oh, she's here. She's here! Okay, how's my hair?
Jay: I thought it was just a friend.
Manny: I heard that.
Jay: I wasn't whispering.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Manny, why don't you give your friend Kelly an empanada?
Kelly: Oh, no, thank you. I try to stay away from trans fats.
Gloria: I'm sure one won't make a difference. They're Manny's favorite.
Manny: I think I'm going to stop eating trans fats too.

Quote from Luke

Haley: Ew. Mom, which one is the garbage can?
Claire: Um, it- Honey, you can't throw that away. It's Blankety.
Haley: It's disgusting.
Claire: No, sweetie. You loved Blankety. You wouldn't go anywhere without him.
Phil: Yeah, until Luke threw up on it.
Luke: Yeah. I used to throw up all the time. Remember Buckety?

Quote from Alex

Haley: What is that?
Claire: We went to the beach one day and Luke had such a good time that he wanted to bring home a jar of sunshine so he could always remember. Do you remember, sweetie?
Luke: Oh, no, no, don't don't open it.
Alex: You really think you trapped sunshine in there? I'm just letting you know now, I'm not taking care of him when you guys die.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Well, what can I do to make you feel better?
Claire: Nothing. Unless you can build me a time machine.
Phil: Honey, until someone can figure out how to keep a wormhole from collapsing in on itself that's just a pipe dream. [stares off into the distance]
Claire: Phil. Come on back, Phil.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Oh! Look at us. Three construction dudes. Dad, I'm gonna get you some workman gloves. I have, uh, blue and camel. What's your preference?
Jay: Surprise me.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Who wants chocolate milk?
Manny: Sure, Mom.
Gloria: So how is it going?
Manny: Great! Kelly's moving her stuff into my notebook.
Gloria: This is sudden.
Manny: It just felt right.

Quote from Gloria

Kelly: Oh, you know what you should do? Put a pinch of salt in the chocolate milk. It really brings out the flavor.
Gloria: Salt is for the popcorn.
Manny: That sounds good.
Gloria: You wouldn't like it.
Kelly: Maybe we should let Manny decide.
Gloria: Okay. Here's the salt. We'll see what he likes.
Manny: Wow! That's really good. Try it, Mom.
Gloria: I don't care for it.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: It was delicious.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: I finally got Lily down for a nap. Where is Mitchell? He's not supposed to be unsupervised.
Jay: Don't worry. I got him in the garage, putting flags on the spires.
Cameron: Okay, perfect.
Jay: It works better that way. Nobody gets hurt, we don't have to put flags on the spires.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: What's going on with you two? Are you Are you trying to get rid of me?
Jay: Uh, Mitch-
Cameron: Shh!
Mitchell: Oh, my God, you are. You're, like, in cahoots.
Cameron: Mitchell, I get scared. When you're around tools, honey, it's dangerous. For me, for you, for our roses.
Jay: Works better this way, kid. I mean, castle goes right up, nobody gets sliced in half.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: Do you know how insulting this is? I was- [tool whirs] I was an intern at the Songbird Summer Playhouse. Do you think that the town of Brigadoon just magically appeared? Well, in the play, it did. But the set the set was built with these two hands.
Cameron: Mitchell. Mitchell-
Mitchell: The von Trapp mansion. Evita's balcony.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I'm going on a walk. Oh, yeah, I can still do that by myself. Watch. Oh, I hope I don't get hurt. Oh, God.
Who put that doorjamb there? I didn't see it. I ran right into it. Oh, no, I tripped. Walking is so hard.
Cameron: That one didn't look like it was on purpose.
Mitchell: It was!

Quote from Phil

Phil: Tonight, Claire Dunphy, we are turning back the clock to a simpler time when families piled into their station wagons picked up some burgers and went on a picnic up to Granger Point.
Claire: Honey, we don't have to do this.
Alex: Listen to her.
Phil: No. It's gonna be great. I talked to, uh... France, ants, picnic Nick and he's not picking up the car till tomorrow. We have one more night of family fun.
Luke: What's gonna be fun about it?
Alex: Listen to him.
Phil: Only everything.
Haley: Only nothing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny, I think we should talk about this Kelly girl.
Manny: Isn't she great? I think she really likes me.
Gloria: Why wouldn't she like you, baby? Of course. Go. Have fun.
Manny: I'm gonna wear my burgundy dinner jacket.
Gloria: Of course you are.

Quote from Mitchell

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. It's finished.
Jay: What the hell? Mitchell did that?
Mitchell: Yes. Yes. Mitchell did it. Who's the bitch now, bitches?
Cameron: Honey, it looks beautiful.
Mitchell: Well, yeah because when you two were inside enjoying a little tea party I was out here out here getting stuff done.
Cameron: I'm sorry. We shouldn't have underestimated you.
Jay: You know he's stuck in there, right?
Cameron: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Cameron

Jay: Uh, hey, kid, Cam and I are gonna crack a couple cold ones. You wanna join us?
Mitchell: [opening a different window] No, no, you know what? I'm just gonna stay here and get some stuff done. But you two ladies enjoy your light beers.
Jay: How do you know we're having light beers?
Cameron: We only have light beers.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: You sure we shouldn't get him out of there?
Cameron: No, he would never forgive us. He's a very proud man, your son.
Mitchell: Bird! Bird! Bird! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Jay: Yeah, I'm pretty proud myself right now.
Mitchell: Oh, my God!

Quote from Claire

Claire: Luke, honey, slow down. No one's gonna take your food away.

Quote from Phil

Luke: My stomach hurts.
Claire: Luke, honey, I told you not to eat so fast. Just sit back, relax, you're gonna be fine.
Haley: Ew! A spider!
Phil: Haley!
Claire: Haley, honey, you're standing on the back of Daddy's seat belt.
Phil: Oh, soft cheeses, I can breathe again.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Okay, everybody get out of the car!
Alex: Our doors don't open!
Phil: We got ya. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
Claire: Get out. Get out.
Phil: Slow is smooth and smooth is fast, Dunphys. Nice and easy. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
Claire: Don't look at him! He's just gonna make you feel sick.

Quote from Phil

Phil: I'm just- I'm just being realistic, but we're gonna need to lower the asking price.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Hi, papi. You're here so soon.
Manny: Yeah. I decided to skip the movie.
Gloria: Are you okay?
Manny: Yeah. Kelly didn't like my jacket. Plus, she ordered for me.
Gloria: Mmm. Did she let you hear the specials at least?
Manny: No. I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't get me. Do we have any trans fats left?

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] The art of the sale is all about what you leave out. "'83 classic wagon" Tough to find parts. "They don't make 'em like this anymore" For legal reasons. "Enjoyed for many years by one happy family" Of raccoons. I'm kidding. Actually... Actually, it did make us happy for a long time. It's gonna be tough to say good-bye. It always is. Nobody loves change. But part of life is learning to let things go.

Quote from Haley

Haley: How about when Dad jumped on the hood of the car?
Kids: "What's the plan, Phil?"

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Need me to get you out of there?
Mitchell: This thing is not safe, Cam.
Cameron: Move to the back of the castle.
Mitchell: Yeah. No. I know the drill. Don't carry me out this time. I think it sends the wrong message to Lily.
Cameron: Well, the neighbors enjoy it.


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