Mitchell: Oh, remember how much fun we had when we built that bookshelf together?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: That was my Vietnam. And I was in Vietnam.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My great-great-grandfather helped build the Brooklyn Bridge. I heard that until the day he died, every time he passed it he was filled with such pride. He'd say, "There's a little bit of me in that bridge." I know that I'm not the handiest guy, but I'm still a man. And I want to be able to look out into my yard and say "There's a little bit of me in that princess castle."

Manny: What's wrong?
Gloria: No, nothing.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Okay, sue me. I am a Colombian mother. I'm not gonna let him make a mistake that is gonna affect him for the rest of my life. His life.

Phil: [aside to camera] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: My hair, my voice, my balance board exercises. But don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Phil: [aside to camera] Well, you can't be in sales and not remember people's names. That's why I like to use what they call "menimonic" devices or little tricks to help you remember. Um, like the other day, I met this guy named Carl. Now I might forget that name, but he was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt. What's a band like the Grateful Dead? Phish. Where do fish live? The ocean. What else lives in the ocean? Coral. Hello, Carl.
Claire: I think it's "mnemonic."
Phil: I- I think I'd remember.

Phil: Wow, this place has really changed. Time marches on, huh? See that Starbucks down there? You know what that used to be?
Alex: An orange grove?
Phil: No, a Burger King. You can still see some of the architecture.

Mitchell: So, um, I laid the toolbox outside and all the supplies are ready. And I think we are good to go.
Cameron: Terrific.
Mitchell: Aren't you gonna change into a workingman's outfit?
Cameron: No, I'm good, and I don't think workmen really call 'em "outfits."

Claire: Honey, why do we keep this car?
Phil: It's a classic.
Claire: No, it just sits here. And the seat belts don't work, the doors stick, it leaks fluids. We haven't put fluids in it in 10 years.
Phil: Well, I'm gonna fix all that. You wait. And then, uh, it's gonna be Haley's car.
Claire: Oh, we're not giving this car to Haley. It's way too easy to fit a mattress in the back.
Phil: Remember?
Claire: Oh, no. We're selling it.

Cameron: "While the spray-tanned starlet claims to be six weeks sober sources down under say she has been barhopping like a coked-up kangaroo."
Mitchell: Ah, what's Daddy reading to you?
Cameron: If I have to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one more time, I will snap.
Mitchell: Oh, it's not that bad-
Cameron: I will snap!

Cameron: [aside to camera] I am petrified to do this with Mitchell. He built a couple of theater sets in college or something and now he thinks he knows everything about building. Well, he doesn't. Every home improvement project that we've undertaken has been a near-death experience. If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.