Previous Episode Next Episode 


Season 11, Episode 13 -  Aired February 12, 2020

In one last family trip, the Pritchetts head to Paris so Jay can accept a lifetime achievement award for his work in the closet industry. However, his old nemesis, Earl Chambers, finds a way to haunt him. Meanwhile, Claire has a secret rendezvous in one of the most romantic cities in the world, and Cam’s lifelong dream of performing as Fizbo on the streets of Paris is about to become a reality.

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: Claire was about to meet Clive Bixby's French cousin, Claude. The plan was simple enough. All I did was create a fake work emergency and wait for Claire at her favorite café. [French accent] Welcome to France. What is the purpose of your visit? L'amour. Just answer the question, sir! [normal voice] Oh, I'm s-so sorry. Um, business... [French accent] of l'amour.


Quote from Phil

Phil: Alright, big day. Lots of plans. First thing's first, getting into character.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: [French accent] Claude Bixby, mustard magnate with a flair for...
Claire: Uh, Phil... Claude... I-I love that you're doing all of this, but doesn't some tiny part of you feel guilty for ditching Guy? I mean, he did wait for me for 30 years. We could invite him for a glass of wine.
Phil: [sighs] [normal voice] Fine. But I'm warning you, if he gets out of line, Claude knows karate. And Krav Maga. He's Jewish on his mother's side.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was easy to fit in. All I had to do was look good and have a lot of attitude. Paris was just like one big gay bar.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Happy Valentine's Day, mon cheri.
Claire: Ah, gay Paree.
Mitchell: See, I told you it would be Claire.
Cameron: I had my money on Jay.
Jay: Sorry, ladies, I'm in too good a mood.

Quote from Manny

Mitchell: Oh, I'm finally here. Oh, this has been my dream ever since I saw "An American in Paris."
Manny: For me, it was "Amélie." I made my mom give me that haircut.

Quote from Jay

[aside to camera:]
Jay: It's no big deal. I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this year's Expo Internationale du Closet.
Gloria: Why don't they translate the last word? I'm sure they have a word for closet.
Jay: They're French. Maybe they went on strike before they got to the end.

Quote from Cameron

Manny: We have an hour. We should go sightseeing. Maybe check out Notre Dame.
Jay: No, thank you. I saw it back in the day, before it was a shell of itself. Seeing it again would only depress me.
Cameron: Yeah, I know what you mean. That's why I can't shop at Sears.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, come on. You know it's always been my dream to... to bring the magic of Fizbo to the streets of Paris.
Mitchell: You're not jet-lagged. You were gonna sneak out and go clown around.
Cameron: You know that's not how we say it. It's "clown about."
Mitchell: I-I can't believe you lied to me.
Cameron: Well, I can't believe I had to. You know, most clowns have spouses that are supportive.
Mitchell: [chuckles] I'm not convinced most clowns have spouses.

Quote from Phil

Guy: It helps to add a little sugar... Claude.
Phil: Oh. Thank you, but th... this is, uh, not my real name. It's my romantic alter ego. I'm surprising my wife.
Guy: Not bad. For an American.
Phil: Oh, really? You can do better?
Guy: Many years ago, I met a woman in this very café. We had a brief but passionate affair, spending our days exploring Paris and our nights... exploring each other.
Phil: Mm. Well, I-I once took a woman to both Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. In the same day.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Ah. He's here. What do we do?
Gloria: Nothing. Tell him the truth. Jay's a grown man. He can handle it.
Manny: Okay, but if he goes for my throat, be ready to dial neuf, un, un.
Gloria: That language. It's like a bunch of horses talking.

Page 2