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Paris

‘Paris’

Season 11, Episode 13 -  Aired February 12, 2020

In one last family trip, the Pritchetts head to Paris so Jay can accept a lifetime achievement award for his work in the closet industry. However, his old nemesis, Earl Chambers, finds a way to haunt him. Meanwhile, Claire has a secret rendezvous in one of the most romantic cities in the world, and Cam’s lifelong dream of performing as Fizbo on the streets of Paris is about to become a reality.

Quote from Phil

[aside to camera:]
Phil: Claire was about to meet Clive Bixby's French cousin, Claude. The plan was simple enough. All I did was create a fake work emergency and wait for Claire at her favorite café. [French accent] Welcome to France. What is the purpose of your visit? L'amour. Just answer the question, sir! [normal voice] Oh, I'm s-so sorry. Um, business... [French accent] of l'amour.

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Quote from Phil

Phil: Alright, big day. Lots of plans. First thing's first, getting into character.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: [French accent] Claude Bixby, mustard magnate with a flair for...
Claire: Uh, Phil... Claude... I-I love that you're doing all of this, but doesn't some tiny part of you feel guilty for ditching Guy? I mean, he did wait for me for 30 years. We could invite him for a glass of wine.
Phil: [sighs] [normal voice] Fine. But I'm warning you, if he gets out of line, Claude knows karate. And Krav Maga. He's Jewish on his mother's side.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It was easy to fit in. All I had to do was look good and have a lot of attitude. Paris was just like one big gay bar.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Happy Valentine's Day, mon cheri.
Claire: Ah, gay Paree.
Mitchell: See, I told you it would be Claire.
Cameron: I had my money on Jay.
Jay: Sorry, ladies, I'm in too good a mood.

Quote from Jay

[aside to camera:]
Jay: It's no big deal. I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this year's Expo Internationale du Closet.
Gloria: Why don't they translate the last word? I'm sure they have a word for closet.
Jay: They're French. Maybe they went on strike before they got to the end.

Quote from Cameron

Manny: We have an hour. We should go sightseeing. Maybe check out Notre Dame.
Jay: No, thank you. I saw it back in the day, before it was a shell of itself. Seeing it again would only depress me.
Cameron: Yeah, I know what you mean. That's why I can't shop at Sears.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Oh, come on. You know it's always been my dream to... to bring the magic of Fizbo to the streets of Paris.
Mitchell: You're not jet-lagged. You were gonna sneak out and go clown around.
Cameron: You know that's not how we say it. It's "clown about."
Mitchell: I-I can't believe you lied to me.
Cameron: Well, I can't believe I had to. You know, most clowns have spouses that are supportive.
Mitchell: [chuckles] I'm not convinced most clowns have spouses.

Quote from Phil

Guy: It helps to add a little sugar... Claude.
Phil: Oh. Thank you, but th... this is, uh, not my real name. It's my romantic alter ego. I'm surprising my wife.
Guy: Not bad. For an American.
Phil: Oh, really? You can do better?
Guy: Many years ago, I met a woman in this very café. We had a brief but passionate affair, spending our days exploring Paris and our nights... exploring each other.
Phil: Mm. Well, I-I once took a woman to both Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. In the same day.

Quote from Gloria

Manny: Ah. He's here. What do we do?
Gloria: Nothing. Tell him the truth. Jay's a grown man. He can handle it.
Manny: Okay, but if he goes for my throat, be ready to dial neuf, un, un.
Gloria: That language. It's like a bunch of horses talking.

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: New plan... I'm getting him out of here, keeping him busy. You go and talk to the closet people. Make them give him an award. Any kind of award. He won't know the difference.
Manny: How?
Gloria: Bribe them. Blackmail them. Seduce them. Have I taught you nothing?

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