How I Met Your Mother Quotes

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother

In 2030, a father tells his children the story of his time in New York City before he met their mother.

Starring: Josh Radnor, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan, Bob Saget.
Recurring Actors: Cristin Milioti, Marshall Manesh, Wayne Brady, Frances Conroy, Chris Elliot, Kyle MacLachlan.
Original Run: 2005-2014.

Quote of the Day

Quote from Marshall in Murtaugh

Ted: It's sad to admit, but as you get older, there's things you can't do anymore. That's why I have this list, so I never make the mistake of thinking that I can still pull an all-nighter.
Marshall: Oh, I'm too old for that stuff.
Ted: Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
Marshall: I'm too old for that stuff.
Ted: Or hang posters on your wall without frames.
Marshall: "Riggs." "Riggs!" I'm too old for that stuff.

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Popular Quotes

Quote from Lily in Unfinished

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Quote from Barney in How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote from Robin in Glitter

Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.
Barney: Yeah!
Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious.
[on Space Teens:]
Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
[in the apartment, Ted and Barney spit take]
Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver?
Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever!
[Ted and Barney stifle laughter]
Robin: Our characters had pet beavers.
Ted: [giggles] Sure.
Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot.
Barney: It's a noble creature.

Quote Collections

  • Barney Stinson: Suit Up

    “Barney Stinson: Suit Up”

    Suit up is Barney's catchphrase to implore his friends to step up their sartorial game to match his.

    16 quotes

  • Have you met... Ted?

    “Have you met... Ted?”

    Have you met... is a line the gang use to start conversations with potential mates for their friends. It's most commonly used by wingman Barney to introduce Ted to women.

    21 quotes

  • Robin and Patrice

    “Robin and Patrice”

    All the times Robin got angry at her colleague Patrice. "Sisters fight, Ted!"

    12 quotes

  • Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid

    “Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid”

    Barney Stinson is the only one awesome enough to see that the true hero of the Karate Kid movie is Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) from the Cobra Kai dojo.

    8 quotes

  • Robin Sparkles

    “Robin Sparkles”

    The story of Robin's time as a teen pop star and actress in Canada. As Robin Sparkles, she was known for songs including "Let's Go to the Mall", "Sandcastles in the Sand", and "P.S. I Love You". She also starred in a children's show, "Space Teens", with Alan Thicke.

    21 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Wait for It

    “Barney Stinson: Wait for It”

    Wait for it is one of Barney's many catchphrases, often interjected into "Legendary". At Barney's suggestion, Marshall and Lily's son, Marvin, has the middle name "Wait-for-it".

    16 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Legendary

    “Barney Stinson: Legendary”

    A collection of quotes featuring Barney Stinson's most notable catchphrase, "Legendary!"

    27 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted

    “Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted”

    All the times Barney Stinson accepted a ridiculous challenge, usually one which he himself proposed.

    18 quotes

  • Songs of How I Met Your Mother

    “Songs of How I Met Your Mother”

    A collection of quotes featuring musical moments from How I Met Your Mother.

    17 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: True Story

    “Barney Stinson: True Story”

    The totally true stories of Barney Stinson.

    14 quotes

Trending Quotes

Quote from Barney in Twelve Horny Women

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Quote from Barney in Stuff

Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Barney: Moist.
Future Ted: And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
[Barney shoots a squirt gun at Lily]
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment. Play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.
Future Ted: And then it just got weird.
Barney: [in a robot costume] Feelings. Inside. Oh, no! [robot noises]
Future Ted: And when that didn't work...
[Barney plays the recorder]
Lily: Okay! Stop! You win. Fine. Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.

Quote from Barney in The Goat

Marshall: This is not a legal documet. This is just something you wrote.
Barney: You think I wrote that? Oh, Marshall, don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code?
[historical flashback:]
Barney: [v.o.] The year was 1776. The place: Philadelphia. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were having a drink.
Benjamin Franklin: But, bro, seriously, I called the dibs on that wench. You codpiece blocked me.
George Washington: So what if I did? There's no rule against it.
Benjamin Franklin: Well, there should be. There should be a set of rules that govern the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
George Washington: But who shall write such a document? I have to go to Me, D.C., and pose for the dollar bill.
Benjamin Franklin: And I have to do some kite-flying or something.
Barnabus Stinson: I shall write this set of rules. And I shall inscribe it on the back of the Constitution. To save paper.
George Washington: It's resolved! Barnabus Stinson shall write... the Bro Code.
Barnabus Stinson: And I shall l include a provision that stateth "No eye contact in a devil's three-way."
Benjamin Franklin: Seconded.
George Washington: Seconded.